I'm a BxP and I agree with redhat. There is not one thing that my ex could do.

It's over and done with.

Do I still miss her? Yes, some days I do.

Is there still love there? Yes, there is.

Would I take her back? No, I really don't think so.

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: Just J ]</small>

First, NC, MC, all that. Not to trivialize...

Then... allow me a voice, try to listen to and understand my pain.

Make defending our M her first priority in life, the same way it has been mine.

Learn why she had the A, and tell me the whole story of it, saving no detail for herself (though only she would know if she'd done that).

Ask my friends and my family to forgive her for the pain she has caused them, and do what it takes to earn that forgiveness.

One thing I've thought about that I don't remember seeing discussions about - I would want to protect myself financially. I'm not sure how.

GC

... and if wishes were horses we'd all be eatin' steak.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ace said:
Yeah, sometimes I want the begging and I'm not too proud to admit that.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><smirk> Boy wouldn't that feel good, like scratching your poison ivy. But I don't know if it would be a healthy requirement. But dang wouldn't it be nice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GC wrote:
I would want to protect myself financially. I'm not sure how.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GC that is a real valid concern. If you ever get an answer let me know.

RacerFish ... thanks for the thread.

.

TJ...grin...I KNOW it's not a healthy requirement and if it REALLY happened I would probably be ashamed of myself and lose a little respect for the beggar...But in my fantasy world, no way the man could over-supplicate!

Never lie, minimise, color facts, evade, or attempt to decieve me in any way ever again.

Aside from abuse of our son or me, I can't think of much that we couldn't discuss as long as we did it honestly.

Mistakes, moments of weakness, bad thoughts..these things are just part of being human. Lying about them is not only useless but also insulting and way too disrespectful for me to tolerate anymore.

So far so good on this for us, btw...

-OAK

Let's my best case scenerio would be:

My husband dumps the slut, comes over tells me he wants to work it out, goes to MC, writes a NC letter to OW, get's his Hot Rod out of her garage, get's a different job, either changes cell number or I'm running over the phone with my car, gives me password to his phone/voicemail, get's his butt back on his anti-depressants, is COMPLETELY honest with me.

I want him home, but not without all these assurances....I will not go through this ever again.

-Caren

Okay, the 5 Os a week thing might convince me. Then again.... I can do that myself.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

lol, yeah, me too, Just J, but someone how it's just better if it's someone else forming the vowel, or making me form the vowel--however you choose to look at it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Justj & Maddy: Stop bragging! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Good information posted about this question by many. I will post summary soon!

FR

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I've gotta have SOMETHING to enjoy whilst my neuveau virginity is in place!

All right, all right, I'll behave now.

An interesting topic.... before we got into the "hot and sweaty" stuff <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So what would it take for WW to be allowed back?

I'll preface this by saying that the likelihood of any of this happening is uhhhhh.....not good.

Anyway, since we're playing the what if game.....

We're going to assume that she will have broken up with OM3, by this point.

1. Apology. To me, and her parents and my mom. Not initiated by me. But from her. True remorse for the hell she has put me through. "I'm sorry, but" is NOT on the approved list of answers.

2. True no contact letters to OM3, and OM1, the two she still has contact with. Initiated by her.

3. Change of jobs. She works for the same company as OM1. Initiated by her.

4. Review of friends. Although, they may not have even known we were married to support it, but you get the picture.

5. Commitment to counseling. IC at first, then MC for both of us. Initiated by her.

6. Complete accountability. New phone numbers. New email addresses. Considering moving away from here. Initiated by her.

Once we get all that out of the way, then we can rebuild our M, using the POJA, RH and the 4 gifts.

Do you see a common thread in all of this?

I think it's acheivable.

I'm going to hold my breath until it happens.


::::klunk::::

(Ethan's carcass hits the floor)

Here's mine:

1) Full honesty, every detail of her affair.
2) Work thru HNHN, including all questionaires, with full, enthusiastic discussion of eah point
3) An appology to me, the kids, her parents, and her friends for ruining my chance to have them as friends
4)Absolutely no contact with OM, EVER, not even if both end up as trial lawyers and hit the same courtroom
5) Full, true desire to meet my ENs
6) Cessation of LBs
7) Go back to church with me
8) Give me control of our finances
9) Allow me to be the man I can be, instead of always finding fault with every action (see #5)

With keeping in mind that the past cannot be changed; what could/should your WS do to "get you back" and you two become "the best that you can be"?

Well he has and we are, but here is what he did right or could have done better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NC letter that we write together and *I* mail.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Become an open book - email, voice mail passwds, access to financial and cellphone records, accountable for time, calling in frequently when we're apart.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Answer my questions completely and honestly without getting defensive or lying/sugar-coating/omitting parts to "protect me". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /></font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me tell him when something triggers me and just comfort me and hold me. No "fixing" needed, just understanding.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tell me about any contact as soon as it happens.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
That's a pretty good summary, I think.