Dying:

Remember: I've been there-done that!

I let my FWH come back 2 or 3 times. I bet I can top you on anything you have done. Of course this is no competition. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I called myself the PLAN B FAILURE!! I just kept getting back up on the horse. I will be glad to share with you how to do that.

I am not disappointed in you.

I want to hear what's going on.

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 02:00 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

update

Met with WH last thursday after parents eve of D13. Which by the way she is doing great at school.

Anyway we talk for the first 40 mins he tells me how bad he felt that not only i asked himto leave but that i took the keys off of him kept saying did i think he was going to steal something. How nice it was of his friend to take hime in. They have known each other about 25 years!!

He tells me he loves me and how he is going to extradite himself from OW. Well he said all the right things or so i thought but as soon as i indicated that i wanted him to come home his attitude changed.

So then he wants space to get his head around everything. My gut feeling comes into play as i feel this is him trying to be able to tell OW he is not at home. So in a nutshell i make him come home. He does for a while and then leaves to supposidly go and get his things from his friend.

Actually he goes to her place. He does come back about 2.5 hours later.

He calls her the next morning and texted her that evening. Then on Sat i assume she has left for her holiday no phone ot text contact to date. I dont know why maybe her cell does not work abroad??

While he was at his friends he told his parents that we were having problems and he was staying at his friends. His dad went balistic and had a funny turn. His mum is not to well also.

I give him space for 5 days then yesterday i asked him to come home for lunch.
In a nut shell he tells me he loves me, i am the mother of his children and does really care for me. He does not want to loose his family so he is going to extraite himself from this relationship but wait for it it could take 2 months. Dont ask me where he gat that figure. He has to help her finish her course etc etc. I think maybe his dads response made an impact?

Oh yes he also tells one other friend/collegue who is chasing him last week re a conference that he is not staying at home as we are having problems he tells him dont get me wrong i love my wife but i also love someone else. Well this FRIEND tells him i totally understand and has been keeping a check on him each day in case he does something stupid ( like try to hurt himself i dont think so he is looking for the sympathy vote)

He tells me he does not want anymore stunts ie me or him having to leave the house.

I believe i unfortunately have asuper cake eater.

As OW away i and trying to continue Plan A and i am writing him a letter to tell him how i feel about the whole situation and how he must end it now if he really loves me and wants to save our marriage. The reaon i am writing it down is that this method seems to actually get into his mind as he was always very good at twisting what i say. Also he told me last thurs that he had read my Plan B letter at least 20 times.

So really you were right i should have stuck in the B plan but at the time i felt with her out of the pictur i could work better on a plan if he was at home. By the way yesterday has SF with WH???!!!.

Sometimes i see him through the fog but he seems to be so insistant on maintaining contact and he still does not see that he has done anything wrong.

I am glad you are still talking to me mimi.

OH, DYIN:

This is all scripted. Your WH is exactly like mine was.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He does not want to loose his family so he is going to extraite himself from this relationship but wait for it it could take 2 months </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I fell for exactly this same thing to be completely honest with you. During that time period, I got off of the forum. What happened? MY WH GOT EVEN CLOSER TO THE OW!!! I became like the OW. This will actually prolong the A, DYING because you are enabling him. He will be able to enjoy himself with her with your approval. He will be placating you so you will stay in place in case he needs you. He does not have to feel pain for what he is doing. He still has you, he still has the children, he still has the picture of a happy family. However, DYING, SHE WILL HAVE HIS HEART AND SOUL!!!

I am not kicking you. I am not disappointed in you. I feel for you. I don't want you to make the BIG MISTAKE that I did.

If you want to reconcile with your WH, if you really want to go into recovery, the answer is immediately PLAN B AGAIN. Come on here and get the support that you need.

The Harleys will tell you, just like Steve Harley told my FWH and myself, the only way to stop an addictive A is COLD TURKEY. That stuff about weaning himself from her is BULL. As soon as he sees her again, the addiction starts again. Remember, it is an ADDICTION..

IT IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY FOR YOU TO DO PLAN B IF YOU WANT TO DEFEAT THAT SLIME BALL! OTHERWISE HE WILL FALLL DEEPER AND DEEPER INTO THE FOG!!

Do you understand me, DYING? You may be feeling some short-term relief from your own withdrawal from him but in the longrun this will really hurt you to sit there and be party to this.

You were doing great. You have a good chance of RECOVERY if you follow the MB PLAN.

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 07:31 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Dying, I think you should listen to Mimi. I know I will. It is very hard, extremely hard, but I´m convinced it´s the only logical and acceptable way to get out of the situation.

I will be here for you too

PLEASE listen to Mimi.

Let her mentor you.

Mimi drove most of us crazy for awhile (sorry Mimi, you know it's true girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ...) BUT then Mimi GOT IT one day ... and her PLAN moved like a race horse ... graceful, fast, and with knowledge that she was a winner no matter what the outcome of that race might be.

LISTEN to Mimi ... she's a winner!

Pep

Okay, I'll add to chorus of voices' singing Mimi's praise.

She will keep you focused and centered on your "plan" so you can maintain your own sanity. She's saved my skin many times, trust her.

Georgia

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dyinghere:

While he was at his friends he told his parents that we were having problems and he was staying at his friends. His dad went balistic and had a funny turn. His mum is not to well also.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do his parents know he is cheating on his marriage?
If not, this needs exposure RIGHT AWAY.

Pep

okay

I agre with everyone.

He made contact today by phone.

Going to give him my letter of no contact and boundaries tonight.

We the family are going out to dinner.

I will see how he takes the letter and then if required go to the next stage.

Thanks for all the support.

Yes, Dying:

It took me awhile to get it. You don't get it yet.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Going to give him my letter of no contact and boundaries tonight.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is this? Is it a PLAN B LETTER in which you state you will have NC with him until he immediately ceases all contact with the OW FOREVER, FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE!! I would recommend that you, in no way, settle for any less than this.

It was hard for be to believe and accept too, DYING. The truth of the matter is that until there is NO OW, you have NO REAL FAMILY OF YOUR OWN. What you have is a THREESOME. Your H is honest with you about wanting you to settle for that. For 2 MONTHS. Tell yourself, "How can he dare to let those words come out of his mouth?" There is no excuse for him wanting you to agree to that. Given that he does, I would recommend that the letter that you give to him be another PLAN B LETTER.

If it were me, I wouldn't go out to dinner. I would be so sick to my stomach that I couldn't eat.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He tells me he does not want anymore stunts ie me or him having to leave the house.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You really think he got it, DYING? Why is he making this demand of you? He is the one that is being disrespectful of you. It is important and essential for you to GAIN HIS RESPECT. My FWH states that made me more loveable to him, when I made it clear to him that I did not want him until he wanted ME, just ME. He became afraid that I would find someone to love me because I realized that I was lovable. It is true that you have to learn to love yourself in order to be loved by others. That will be valuable for you personally through all of this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i felt with her out of the pictur i could work better on a plan if he was at home. By the way yesterday has SF with WH???!!!.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DYING, what makes you think she is out of the picture? READ MY LIPS: HE WANTS THE BOTH OF YOU! HE WILL KEEP IT THAT WAY AS LONG AS YOU LET HIM. I hate to tell you this but he is saying the exact same thing to her. He is asking her to give him two months, etc. Let her have him all to herself, Dying. He will try to make her into you. He will try to get her to fulfill all of his needs. Let her try to run the office and help him with his business affairs. SHE WILL FAIL MISERABLY.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> will see how he takes the letter and then if required go to the next stage.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can I get you to stop putting the ball in his court? Make your own decision, not based on what he does or what he says.

[QUOTESometimes i see him through the fog but he seems to be so insistant on maintaining contact and he still does not see that he has done anything wrong.
] [/QUOTE]

Listen very carefully. He will not be out of the fog until he has no contact with her whatsoever for 3 to 6 months. HE IS ADDICTED TO HER!!!!! Read your last statement. You are still with a man who says that he has not done anything wrong. Does that indicate to you how deeply he is in the fog?

I know you feel miserable without your H. You think you can't live another day without him. HOWEVER, YOU DO NOT EVEN HAVE HIM WHEN HE IS THERE WITH YOU!!! He is lost in a fog, he has been captured by an alien. If you want him back, I believe you need to do PLAN B. You need to GO DARK so that he will really begin to value you and miss you. You also need to do this in order to maintain your own sanity and self-respect. Don't be part of a world that includes ANOTHER WOMAN!!!!

P.S. I wanted to believe everything that my FWH was saying to me, too. Even now, I can hardly conceive of the depths of his lies and deceitfulness to try to hold onto both me and the OW. DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING HE SAYS! I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS BUT HE IS LYING TO YOU!

I hope you will get back to me today. I leave early tomorrow morning and won't return until late Sunday night.

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 12:46 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

I will try I know you are right but it feels so hard to do.

Everything you are saying is exactly how WH is i can understand that.

But i need to be strong to actually follow through with actions.

I know i have to i cannot live with OW in my life.

You are right i dont want him if he does not want just me and only me.

I am glad you spelt it out for me.

Now to be strong

sorry for delay in post our time difference is vast

dying -

I know Mimi is gone for a few days, but let me again encourage you to stick with her and listen to her guidance.

I know this is very tough on you, I too am married to a "super cake eater". If you follow the MB principles clearly, there are still no guarantees but you will maintain your own sanity and come out with a sense of peace that you are in control of the situation.

I know it's hard. I'll pray for you too.

Georgia

okay

Everyone was right WH still in fog still on the fence. Still in contact with OW.

Just listen to this. I asked him why did he call OW why did he not just let go (while she is away on holiday) his reply i would get a bollocking if i did not call. He said he was only on the phone for a minute as she started on him that he did not love her that he wanted her dead so he said he put the phone down on her as she was having a go at him. Dont know if true or not but i think the situation of him being back home and her away is making her LB's.

He is so fogged that even when he is telling me he loves me he has an emotional bond with me and that he can see no future in OW I dont believe him but as you say you cant believe anything the say in this state.

WH says i should have left him to rot at friends house. He says it was not a home for home or a picnic him being there but at least at any time of day or night he had his friend to talk to who was so understanding!!

Now his re writing of history has moved to 2 years that he started to have these feelings for her and her going out with his brother in the mean time does not make any difference. Mimi you are right you cannot talk them out of anything anyway WH has always had the way of twisting things to his way of thinking.

He says i am a typical woman in that i always pick at everything

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dyinghere:

He says i am a typical woman in that i always pick at everything </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WOW!

He gave you your very own BEST exit line!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO RELEASE HIM ---> MAKE THIS HIS OPPORTUNITY TO GO FREE

Here it is... Say this to him:

"LUCKY YOU!

I release you from feeling obligated to live here with me.

Please go live wherever you want to be.

I will not be picking on you anymore.

I only want you with me if it is something you can feel happy about.

If you are not happy here with me, please leave."

Stick to this like a broken record.

This is an opportunity to make headway. RELEASE HIM TODAY!!!!

This is your moment to create a safe loving boundary for yourself.... AND allow him to return TO YOU of his own free will, not in spite of you "picking on him".

Turn his babble garbage around on him and let him GO.

Pep

<small>[ January 30, 2005, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Dying Here:

Are you listening to us at all?

Your WH is following the standard script for someone involved in an A.

It's up to you to take care of yourself and your children at this point. He is gone now. I'm only reminding you that you can't listen to anything he has to say. Why are listening to him, Dying? It doesn't matter what he says.

What matters is what you do and what you say to him... That's it....

You are in a fignt for your marriage. Right now, you are losing. Do you want to win or not? If so, take charge of this situation.

An important first step would be to tell him exactly what PEP has scripted for you and then promptly go back into PLAN B.

You have no other workable options at this point.

Let us hear from you.

hello everyone this is the idiot speaking.

Well I know what i have to do, plan B.

First a little insite i am supposed to go away this weekend fri to sun with some girl friends it has been planned a long time. The question is how do i go and go to plan b now when he will have to come and stay with the children this weekend.

No there is no one else to do this as they all have various activities they need to get to and none of parent or in laws drive.

Maybe i should not go then that would solve the problem.

I could just shoot myself should have stayed in plan B before. AGH

Okay what matters is what i say and do only.

Mimi I hope you had a good trip and all the family enjoyed.

DH, please don´t call yourself the idiot!!!!!!
You are just hurt (unbelievably hurt I should say) and confused!
Do reread Mimi´s posts, she is really giving you good advice.
Maybe you should write the main points of her advice on a piece of paper and read it when you find yourself in a difficult situation.

I can´t help with your weekend question but I do feel that you have to go. How old are the kids?
Hopefully someone more experienced will come along and give you some ideas...

DH......

Please do whatever you have to do to follow the good advice you have gotten here.

Pep and Mimi know what they are talking about.

You certainly don't want to be in my situation. A Plan B failure I am for sure. WH is home, and says he is in no contact (who knows?), but things are going south here fast.

This is my third attempt at recovery. Every time WH came home with sweet words (can we say LIES) promising this and that. The only REAL thing WH has complied with is he is in counseling now.

But it's still all about him. My feelings do not matter. Everything is okay if we just don't talk about anything.

Don't let this happen to you. From where I sit now, the demise of my marriage is not too far off.

LISTEN TO WHAT YOU ARE BEING ADVISED HERE.

It's your only hope to save your marriage.

Be strong.

K

Dying-

I don't envy you and your situation. I am in Plan A....Plan B is forthcoming. I can't imagine not talking to my WH...it scares the crap out of me. I know it's what I have to do, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I just wanted to give you the perspective of someone who hasn't Plan B'ed yet....but I see it on the horizon, no getting around it I guess.

Good luck girl, I'll be praying for you.

-Caren

cc46

I am in Europe 6 hours forward. Yes it is very slow in the morning.

I just lost a very long post i wrote to you oh well here goes again fingers crossed.

It must have been very hard for you to see WH with OW how does he keep saying there is no A when he is with her?

I get to see OW at least 3 days if i go to work it was okay last year but now i cant do it anymore its too painful and disrespectful WH does not have a glue.

I need to get something else to do or the days are starting to feel too long. Have to get up the energy to look first though.

I should have stayed in plan b even though it was the most painfull thing i have ever done. How are you coping does it get easier with time.
I feel i have lost the edge of Plan B with WH but i got to do it. I will I will.

When you are a couple it seems that you know so many people but when you are on your own there are so few maybe it is because everyone else is a couple.

I am now only seeing the philosophy of SH Plan A and B. Do different things for yourself make changes in you and your situation so that you see the world differently and if you do get back together or D then you can cope regardless because you are already looking at things differently and have created a new space for youself.

Right going to make dinner now everyone coming in at different times tonight so its going to be chilli.

I am going to post this on my main thread too so answer me there. That way everyone gets to see how fuddled okay stupid i am.


Keep strong.

Oh well it gets better WH just rang to ask me if i had OW bank account details as it is time to pay her. I wrote a cheque last friday but it seems as she is away she wants to have it done now before she comes back next week. See it is like a soap. When you make one think of me and squash it for me please.