I've only begun working full-time over the past three years after beginning to suspect that my H was having an A. I needed the insurance of being able to take care of myself financially if I ever needed to do that. My H had always been the primary breadwinner. BTW, he's trying to encourage me to stop working full-time again. Both my H and our sons, although young men now, want me available to them 24/7.

I can't tell you exactly what my profession is. I wish I could. For one important reason, I don't want anyone to lurk here and guess who I am. I can feel more free that way in my postings. This is an important outlet for me.

I work in a highly demanding, yet rewarding profession.

<small>[ February 01, 2005, 12:19 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

mimi

Dont ever give up work completely, now that you are back, always keep it up on a part time basis. I say this from experience. Working is good it feeds the soul and keeps the body and mind active. Hey that sounds like the old me.

Anyway just read your and GG posts.

The discription of your husband and mine are exactly the same.

WH wants admiration, control is stubborne and has a lot of pride. He totally wants to do things his way and has alwaysw done so except it used to be our way.

I just cant believe the similarities.

I talked to my H about the NEED FOR ADMIRATION this weekend. He shared some important feedback that you might find to be helpful. His statements confirmed what I had already suspected during MY PLAN.

I told him that it isn't fair how easily a young woman can NATURALLY show admiration to an older, powerful man. He adored this about the OW. She was able to honestly state that she had "NEVER MET ANOTHER MAN AS SMART AND POWERFUL AS HE IS" . Well, she meant she had never been intimate with a man like him. He was old enough to be her father. So now you see why it is so important for him to get that check for for your OW. He likes hearing her express her appreciation to your AWESOME, POWERFUL HUSBAND.

My FWH acknowledged that this felt wonderful. However, he admitted that even though the OW met this need, there were MANY NEEDS THAT SHE COULD NOT MEET! You see, that was the value of PLAN B. He learned that he NEEDED MORE THAN ADMIRATION. She also was good at meeting his NEED FOR AFFECTION. He likes for me to hug on him, hold his hand, say I love him, etc. I used to do these things when we first started dating many years ago but I had stopped. I did not know that he continued to need this.

What OW don't know DYING is what our husbands really like about how to run their lives. My H had to try to train her when we already know how they like things. We also naturally know how to please them. If you are like me, you got out of the habit and maybe took him for granted. Make sense? Believe me, that OW will fail. He will get tired of trying to show her what to do.

okay just lost a very long post but i am rewriting it

okay just lost a very long post but i am rewriting it

okay compiter has lost the post will rewrite

Post deleted by dyinghere

Sorry for not posting sooner but i feel now i am on a double rollercoaster being pushed side ways as well as up and down.

I had to respond to you. NO, it is not the end of the A completely, and you are in for a lot, lot, lot more pain if you accept these actions from your H as the end.

The end it that you SEND her a NC letter that he has written with your approval.

He gives you a written plan for how he will continue NO Contact and PROVE it.

HE will commit to time with you, to follow the Harley plans by the book (SAA) and counsel with them or someone else.

it is hard. Maybe you are not there yet. It took me almost two years to get to the point that I knew within myself with NO doubt, that my relationship with God and myself was strong enough, that I loved myself enough to KNOW I would be OK even if my H and I did not stay married. I knew that it is not a marriage with another person in it. THat I did not want my D growing up thinking this was an ok way to be treated. I knew it with all my heart and soul. I would truly rather be alone than in this kind of R and if my H could not be the kind of man who would put me and the M first, realize that he was hurting me and do everything NOT to hurt me, then I did not want to be married to him any longer.

You are getting great advice, but it is very hard to internalize this stuff. This is YOUR personal journey. One you need to take.

Cake eaters all do the same things, say the same things...sounds like cake eating to me.

bump

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Anne6263:
<strong> I had to respond to you. NO, it is not the end of the A completely, and you are in for a lot, lot, lot more pain if you accept these actions from your H as the end.

The end it that you SEND her a NC letter that he has written with your approval.

He gives you a written plan for how he will continue NO Contact and PROVE it.

HE will commit to time with you, to follow the Harley plans by the book (SAA) and counsel with them or someone else.

it is hard. Maybe you are not there yet. It took me almost two years to get to the point that I knew within myself with NO doubt, that my relationship with God and myself was strong enough, that I loved myself enough to KNOW I would be OK even if my H and I did not stay married. I knew that it is not a marriage with another person in it. THat I did not want my D growing up thinking this was an ok way to be treated. I knew it with all my heart and soul. I would truly rather be alone than in this kind of R and if my H could not be the kind of man who would put me and the M first, realize that he was hurting me and do everything NOT to hurt me, then I did not want to be married to him any longer.

You are getting great advice, but it is very hard to internalize this stuff. This is YOUR personal journey. One you need to take.

Cake eaters all do the same things, say the same things...sounds like cake eating to me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good post. Thank you. A lot of good info in a short space.

Indebted

David

My Dear Dying Here:

What makes us do this to ourselves? What is it about our WSes (my FWH) that makes us fall for their BS? Is it because we are so dependent on them? Is it their charm/charisma? I really feel for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sit down i have got something to tell you and i dont want any input from you. I am going to end the R with OW. I have had to get it right in my head first but there is too much pain for everyone. I am going to see her tonight to make the "first" salvo of ending the R.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This, my dear, is the CAKEEATER'S SCRIPT. The exact same words came out of my FWH's mouth too many times for me to count. In fact, when I caught him at the motel in his underwear, he came out of the room and stated, "I'm ending it".

BTW, he is telling her the same thing that he is telling you. He is telling her that he is ending his marriage.

Listen to me, if you will, but I know that you won't. There's only ONE WAY to end an A. That is, RIGHT AWAY, COLD TURKEY. My FWH finally learned after several months at this that I would no longer buy any other option. Whether he was trying to fool me or himself about it, it didn't matter. I began to remind myself of this over and over again, THE TIME IS NOW. I was not willing to sit around and wait. This is what they want us to do, DYING. They want us to wait until they are finished having their fun. I've recently learned that TIME IS NOT A FACTOR. They want the fun to last as long as possible. My H has recently informed me that he knew that it would eventually end but he didn't know when and he REALLY WAS NOT WORKING ON ENDING IT. Yes, that's what I said. He just knew that such ECSTACY could not continue at that level.

Dying, I put an end to it for myself. I was not willing to be party to it. I came to the point where I was unwilling to sit around and wait. I put my house up for sale. I did not want to have further memories of my life with him. He came to terms with what I was doing. My actions spoke louder than my words. I was no longer sitting there waiting.

When are you going to let him know that enough is enough? What keeps you there, DYING?

Share with me what's in your head, DYING? Why are you continuing to put up with this? Why do you believe him? What are you afraid of? Are you thinking that you can't make it without him? Like I told you before, dear heart, you don't really have him anymore. She has his heart and soul right now. Don't you want at least the chance to get him back?

<small>[ February 10, 2005, 07:45 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> OOPS!!

<small>[ February 10, 2005, 09:23 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Post deleted by dyinghere

had to rush away to continue.

So now i know for a fact he has told her it is over but i have 2 questions:

1 Will he break off completly or will he be drawn back again. I think he will even though he seems so addament. But due to the working together for the time being i dont know.
I listen to him tell his friend that he loves her in one sentence and in the next tell his friend that he could not see himself with her for life. He said to see the woman you are with look at her mother and her mother is always saying everything is someone elses fault and not hers and he realises the OW is like that also.
He said he cant take her attitude anymore that i am a hundred times more aware and at least i dont give attitude but i do give him grief HELLO!!

2 Do i want to take the chance of taking him back. I think mimi you were right before when you said he was just keeping me sweet in case everything did not work out with OW.

I think most of what he says is babble but some of the things really hurt. I dont think he has been with anyone else i think he was just saying it to impress his newly separated friend as could a person i have known for 28 years suddenly change so dramatically in his attitude to women in such a short time.

Okay i am rambeling i know you are confused well iam totally confused. He is now away till Sunday.

Okay more

In a way it seems that he has finished it with OW as he cant take the emotional side anymore but i dont think he is ready to committee to me.

Do you know i think he really believes that i am sitting here waitning for him Okay mimi get off the floor i know you know i was doing that.

But i am coming out of my fog.

Right i think i need to ask hime questions

when will he do NC. (i have to qualify because of the ******* work issue

Also your input on why he has finished it if he still loves her? Is this where he thinks he does but everything else is falling apart.

Sorry for keeping on posting with silly questions.

Yesterday my computer would not let me in to MB site god i was having heart palputations

Now dont forget his pride he has got to do things his way.

Also told his friend that once he has made up his mind that is it he is a very strong willed person in that way. Yes this is coming from a man who has been pussyfooting around for the last 5 months.

Also he was glad he was found out as he was getting fed up with the lying and the decite!!!! He wanted it over but he still carried on for the next 5 months. Okay i think you can see the cracks are in the A but what now?

He also told me that if he wanted to stay with OW that no one could stop him but that he had to get everything right in his head first and now he has so he is going to end it. He said this last sunday when he told me he was going to end it.

I am just trying to give you a picture of everything i hope it makes sense.

Hell nothing makes sense/

I am glad to have a few days without him to think and calm down a bit talk to you guys. Maybe tomorrow i will become sensible

Just re read all thing my head is twisted help

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When i listened i just thought who is this person i married and has he had relations with anyone else. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK. Good. I've been trying to get an idea of how you are looking at things. This is perceptive, DYING. HE MAY LOOK AND ACT LIKE HIMSELF BUT HE IS NOT HIMSELF. He continues to be a crazed, confused, addicted man, in a fog.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Will he break off completly or will he be drawn back again. I think he will even though he seems so addament. But due to the working together for the time being i dont know.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, Dying! Read my last post to you over again. What you've really got to understand is that this is an addiction. Any contact whatsoever that he has with her gets him high again. This A will not end until he makes a decision to never ever see her again and he does not see her again. Once he has contact at all, the A is bound to continue because he gets that high again. He does not understand this but you can if you believe me. Also, don't go thinking that you can explain this to him and he will listen. Your actions have to determine this.

PLAN B Letter. You mignt not have to be in PLAN B long but I think you need to do it. Give him to her. Let her try to meet all of his needs. She will LB even more. Remove yourself from this drama.

Also BTW, these "lovebirds" like to break up and then get back together. It keeps the passion going from them. I'm sorry but it is helpful to face it. He feels like he is "in love" with her.

Read back over my last post. He will keep it like this as long as possible, going back and forth between the two of you. Remove yourself from this equation.

Don't get lost again. I want to hear from you.