Dani,

Thanks, we are feeling better. Just the flu. uuughhh....

Anyway, didn't the paperwork showing your charges include her write-up and request you to respond with your story in writing?

Make sure you use the words from the police (i.e. request a continuance, etc.) in your note when you go to court. Call the court and let them know you have been served with paperwork. Make sure it is from the same court system. Ask them can these 2 be done together?

Where is Blond Blossom? Maybe she can help you out with some suggestions?

It is crazy he is still trying to get you to drop it. He is aware of the OW's charges filed against you right? Maybe you should let him know.

OPs and WS try to do some real stupid things with the law.

Did the OW file for charges stemming from that night or another time?

L.

take care,
L.

Dani,

Imagine that you're the judge. A wife and an OW show up. The OW claims that she was assaulted. The wife shows the RO against OW and the copy of the police report from that night.

If you were that judge, what would you do?

Dobie

Dani,

I have been following your posts, but have never replied to you before now. I am a long time MB-er and also happen to be an attorney but in another state. I will preface everything I am saying to you with this disclaimer: I am not licenses to practice law in your state (however, I do know of a general practitioner in VA who handles both criminal matters and divorces) and everything I am about to say should not be construed as anything but informational in nature - you should contact an attorney who IS licensed in your state for legal advice. By the way when you are at the court house ask how you can get a public defender - they are paid for by the taxpayers and shouldn't cost you a cent. While they're not always the sharpest lawyers out there, you really don't need Perry Mason for this.

Now, that being said...you absolutely MUST save the voicemail your WH left you re: things not having to be this way, etc. Have it copied over onto a tape recorder that you can take to court with you. You should also take any e-mails at all that you have received from your WH since the night of the arrest. Also, you will want to subpoena the police officers that responded to your house the night that OW and WH were arrested. (Their names will be on the police report of which you should also get a copy.). Talk to them ahead of time if you can to see if they know when OW started claiming you assaulted her - see if they will testify that she never brought it up while they were there at the house. Also, make sure you tell the judge that OW was on your property uninvited. You asked her to leave and she refused - that's trespassing.

Oh, and after you beat this, you should sue OW for malicious prosecution.

Brit's Brat/BS-43
XH-45
DS-3
Status: D-Day 5-02, Divorce final 5-04 after 2 years of trying to recover marriage.

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 09:10 PM: Message edited by: Brit's Brat ]</small>

Oh, and lest I forget - calm down. In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing. Don't know how judges are where you are at, but where I am and where I used to practice, they hear that OW and WH were drunk and showed up at your house, it is very possible the judge won't give them a bit of credence and find in your favor or dismiss the charges simply as a domestic issue and order the two of you to stay away from each other.

BB,

I am sooo glad you posted. I knew a MB poster BB was in law. Sorry I got the poster names mixed up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks,
L.

Hey Orchid, whats up? Im doing alot better since we talked.

Now Dani, what some people are saying here is true, its just a misdemeanor and I'll bet it gets thrown out. I think your really upset that your wh is allowing this crappy treatment of his wife and i know that sucks. Orchid's H's ow was a psycho too so i'm sure she has all kinds of good advice for you about dealing with nut jobs. I follow your posts and just wanted to say I feel for you and your family and hope your wh comes to his senses soon.

michelle

Hey brit? what state do you practice in anyways?

I work corporate in-house for very large, multi-national corporation which is how I know of attorneys in various states....the one I referenced in my earlier post, though, is an ex-boyfriend's brother.

BB

heya brits...

hope you are well
good to 'see' you... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ark

BB, Thank you for the advice!!

Okay, well I have talked to two lawyers today who both said that for a minor case like this I would be wasting my money to have an attorney there. That it is pretty solid. One of them did suggest that I hire a recorder service to record the court case, and transcribe it all. I will need that if and when I go through with a divorce.

I did go down to the court about getting a court appointed public defender. Apparently, the papers I was served with yesterday are not in the system yet, so they can not assign me one without the case information. As far as the computer is concerned, there is no case on 3/11. The case on 2/16 I can't get a PD for because I am the person who filed the charges. So...I am going to call them everyday to find out if it has been filed yet and go from there.

WH e-mailed me today with this "I see a simple solution to all of this. I talked to an attorney today. If the person who the court date is for doesn't show up then they are in contempt of court. If the person making the accusations doesn't show up the judge will dismiss the case. the worst that might happen is you will get a small bill for court fees possibly. OW is leaving the state very soon. and I think that all this court bull**** is just wasting everyone's time and is pointless. she is not going to Maine so you don't have to worry about that." What he is suggesting is that I don't show up on 2/16 for the charges against her, and then she won't show up on 3/11 for the charges against me.
I didn't respond, but I am also not falling for that.
When he asked me to borrow money yesterday he said he needed it because he paid his fine, and the city tax on the truck. Then today I get a statement from the State with our state income tax refund saying that the refund was much less because they deducted the delinquent city tax fee. I e-mailed him to tell him this, and he said 'Oh well I just sent out the money order yesterday, I guess I sat on it too long, they better refund me'
He makes me so angry!
When he called me this morning he said that the OW is scared of me, that I won the battle, and she doesn't even leave her house because she is scared she will run into me. PLEASE, give me a BREAK! If she was so scared why did she come to my house at 11pm on more then one occassion?
I am NOT accepting his calls anymore. He keeps leaving voice messsages saying 'Don't start in with this ignoring me, acting like a child thing again'
I am loosing my mind dealing with this. I can't sleep, I am going nuts!!!
Danielle

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: DanigirlinVA ]</small>

Dani,

Don't fall for the li(n)es he's giving you...He is just plain awful. While he is right, if you don't show up in court as the complainant, the judge will dismiss the case. That being said, why would you not want to show up? It will NOT make your headaches go away. Also, couldn't you just see it - you don't show up, so they dismiss the charges against her, but she does not reciprocate in kind and you have to go to court and could be found guilty. IMO, it is better that her court date is before yours because if she is found guilty, it could affect how the judge views her complaint against you.

Again, take all of the e-mails and a copy of the voicemail to court with you. Between yesterday's voicemail and today's e-mail, it is very clear that they think they are going to be clever and intimidate you into dismissing the charges against OW. That will bode very badly against them and could result in the judge issuing abuse of process charges against them on top of everything else. AND, even though OW doesn't have two pennies to rub together, when you are found not guilty, I would strongly urge you to file suit against her for malicious prosecution. That way, if you can get a judgment and she ever falls into some money (see post entitles when good things happen to bad people) she'll have to pay you! Also, are you sure the summons you received is a true summons issued by the court? I find it hard to believed that you would be served but it would not be on the court's docket.

BTW, I didn't go back through your other posts, but I thought I recalled that you have a neighbor who is a police officer - talk to him. See if he knows the guys who responded the night of the incident and can get them to appear in court for you. Also, did he witness it all? Can he be a witness? Did any of the other neighbors witness it? Could they be witnesses? Doesn't hurt to ask them...

BB

Brits Brat...thank you for the advice again!
I went and talked to the police officer and his wife, and they both said that they would either give sworn statements or appear in court if I wanted them to. I am going to go down to the court today and request them as witnesses.

On a separate (well I guess not so separate) matter....
I had the urge to look at OWs profile on yahoo today. Nothing like making me want to throw up. She added her photo along with a sappy 'love of her life' quote and it just makes me sick! How can someone be OK with tearing apart a family and causing so much hate and sadness...AHHHH! I know the whole affair isn't the OWs 'fault' but she personally has caused this family so much hate and problems that I just can't even stand the thought of her. Let alone a picture of her saying how much she loves my husband. ERRRR!!!

On the way to the post office this morning I just got to thinking....

When WH came home on Oct 26th (supposedly to stay) he said so many things that I knew were sincere. He was HIMSELF, MY HUSBAND. He held each other, he told me how wrong he was and how sorry he felt that he had hurt the kids and I. We talked all night long, and for some stupid reason I thought he was serious. I just can't get that night out of my head. He was so loving, so caring, so serious. Then BAM. He missed OW. Now he says that I caught him at a venerable moment and he was confused. He seemed so serious though... He was rubbing my head telling me how beautiful I was and how much his marriage meant to him. He put his ring on, cleaned it, and said he never wanted to take it off again, etc. Now he claims that marriage is over rated and it is natural to have affairs. I am so sad..and lost...

Then I think, our DS4 has a chromosomal disorder and depleted immune system. His health is touch and go. He could be 100% healthy today and tomorrow in the ICU. WH wouldn't care... He doesn't check on him, he doesn't go to appointments, he doesn't act like he gives a darn!
How is this possible? I e-mailed him last week saying he was not feeling well and I was making him an appointment to talk to the specialist and I was giving him the opportunity to go, and I would schedule the appointment around his schedule. Did he reply? Nope...

I am so sad and hurt that my life is coming to this...that my children are loosing their father, and that I am loosing my husband...and additionally that my husband is loosing himself. (Although he thinks that he is FINALLY happy without me and with OW and I just need to accept that). Then on the other hand I am so angry that my WH could possibly put his family (he says we are no longer a family) through this. He can ignore his children, and replace all of his time, love and energy to the OW and her kids. It makes me so angry!
Then I think, how could I ever forgive him? He is so hateful to do this...
I can't sleep at night because I dream of OW and WH and I.... Last night I dreamt that I was at work and WH and OW came into the ER and she was sick, and he was all kissing on her, taking care of her, etc. I just can't live like this....
Sorry for the vent, but I am loosing my mind..
Danielle

No you're not. I, too, had an OW dream last night. I get to see them in public regularly. And she's also a nutter.

You just have to keep seeing your WH as dead. GO TO PLAN B!!! Don't try to include him. Stop communicating with him. I know they are doing their best to break your plan -- but it's for YOUR protection.

And don't dwell on memories and what-could-have-beens. Close your eyes, take all these memories, visualize yourself putting them in a box, and deep-sixing it at the bottom of the ocean. Don't poison them or replay them, but save them, in case you ever need them again. In case he comes back for real.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by DanigirlinVA:
<strong>

Now he claims that marriage is over rated and it is natural to have affairs.
Danielle </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well well well....there you go...a crystal ball glimpse into the OWs future with your H.

That has got to put a smile on your face. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

STOP thinking about your H and what he thinks, what he says, none of it makes any sense right now.

Plan B, Dani, is about removing yourself from the situation, giving yourself the chance to take care of you, your kids and let WH spin himself back to reality. Hopefully he will, but he may not. That is not something you can control. The best way to influence that, however, is to go on with your life--without him in any way in it other than for him to visit the children and meet his legal responsibilities. You are having far, far too much contact with him and it drags you back in.

In Plan B you can work on yourself--make the changes in yourself that you can see you need to make. Take care of yourself. Grow spiritually and emotionally and learn to love yourself. Married or not.

What you are doing is prolonging the agony. He gets his fixes from you and you go into a tailspin. Remove yourself from the insanity and get going on your own personal journey.

I will keep saying this, I know it is hard to absorb. Maybe you are not ready. But remember this, keep working toward it. I truly believe it is the only way out that is healthy.

Well today is day 4 with out contact from WH, day 3 without him even trying to contact me.
My MIL and I talked on the phone on Thursday night. We talked small talk for a bit, talked about the kids, the snow back home, my car, etc.
Then she asked how WH was doing. He has not called her in about a month. I told her that nothing has changed. She told me that I need to contact the command and MAKE them get help for WH. She said he is ill, and his recruiter lied to get him into the Navy and since WH is considered gov't property it is their job to 'fix it'. I tried to explain to her that the recruiter wouldn't get in trouble for WH lying to get into the Navy, WH would. She is just mad that he is sick, and no one cares. I explained to her that I care, and I care so much that I DID call the command and they brought him to the hospital, but until he wants help there is nothing anyone can do for him. I understand her frustration...
I guess his uncle (the one WH and OW and her kids stayed with when they went to Maine) sent WH a letter saying that he was saddened to see what WH has done to his life, etc. He said that WH is always welcome home, but please never bring OW there again. She asked me 'Can't you tell that he has changed, can't everyone tell that something is wrong with him?' YES, WE CAN!!! We can't do anything about it though, I know I have tried everything I know. At any rate, MIL thinks that the Navy should do something about the fact that his recruiter knew he was mentally ill and lied, but the fact is, WH signed the paper that it was TRUE, and it even says all this about illegal enlistment on the form. Secondly, *I* am not fighting for WH anymore. He knows I will help him if he honestly wants help, but until then, I can't keep trying. I told her that I felt emotionally beat up and I had to stop, and she just got quiet. She asked me 2-3 times if WH and OW were going their separate ways yet, and I said no. She kept saying 'are you sure?, maybe he just hasn't told you?' She wishes for it...as do I...but the fact is, I would know if it happened.
Next week the CO is back at my husbands command and hopefully I will find out something about his Mast, so I can find out when we can move.
I have made a promise to myself that if WH calls this weekend, AT ALL, I am not answering. I don't care if it is to see the kids. Last weekend I jumped at his call to visit with them, and went to meet him. I am not going to be at his beckon call this weekend. He knows I would like notice, and he had that option.

On a good note-- my BIL (WHs brother) sent the kids and I a bouquet of Tulips for Valentines Day through ProFlowers.com. I got them today via Fed Ex. They are so beautiful. The card reads 'I am sorry I can't be there right now to make your valentines days bright, and that Wh is unable to be the Valentine he should be. I hope these brighten up your day. Tell the kids I love them. Always BIL' It made me cry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He is such a sweet guy.

The kids and I are all sick with colds. Yuck! The next two weeks are JAM packed for us. We have court, 4 doctors appointments, termite guy, etc. This weekend is 'chill out' weekend over here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Danielle

Hello MBers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

No attempted contact again today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
It is a nice day outside (near 50!!). The kids and I took the dog for a long walk, and sat at the lake/pond and sang silly songs. It was nice to be out, but I couldn't help think how their Dad, the man I love should be sitting by our side. He is such an outdoors guy. I tried not to think about it, but it is hard when I know if he were himself he would enjoy what we are doing.

I know this is wrong, but does anyone else find themselves 'trying to be like' the OW at all?
I know this sounds a bit crazy and I DON'T WANT to be LIKE the OW. Here is what I mean.....say the OW wears low rise Victoria secret jeans. Therefore, I see myself looking at them, thinking subconsciously, 'well IF I wore low rise Victoria secret jeans' etc. Does this make any sense at all? I avoid actually DOING those things, but I find myself thinking about it.

The next two weeks are crazy busy for me. Between my sons appointments, the court, and other obligations I am going to be busy. I guess this is a good thing. (Except the court, I am already feeling sick to my stomach about seeing and hearing OW with WH up there).

I hope that those of you that have your W or H at home have a great Valentines Day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Danielle

Dani,

Good to hear from you. Glad you are enjoying the day with your family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

As for that comparison thingy, well I think that bS' tend to do that periodically. The A makes us question our santity and so these occasional trips to the dark side of the A can make us wonder the 'what ifs'. Of course they are generally temporary thoughts and since we are realisitc people most probably dismiss it by keeping busy on what really counts in our lives. For me, when that happened, I focused on the fact that I was told by the WS that OW was:

1. Hard of hearing
2. Older than me
3. Flatter than me (poor thing, that w/b bad since I too am small - LOL!!!)

4. very controlling
5. selfish
6. possessive
7. Not as pretty as me (of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder - but hey, he said it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

Ok, so no matter what she bought or wore, it still was not going to change all that stuff above. LOL!!!

Much easier to concentrate on the real stuff. My family and my personal recovery.

All the best on your court appearance. Blow 'em away, ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Aloha,
LeAnne