Just want to know if my W should have NC with him? Here ie the story. After the war that the OM and I were in together I was home six months before I got orders over seas. We (W & I) decided for the best intrest of the kids (in HS) they would stay in the us and I would take a two year tour. I left Nov 03 and it started Jan 04. I found out May 04 when I went home on a visit and my wife told me her best friend acused her of having a affair with him. At the time I didn't think anything of it when she said it wasn't so. She had a two week fling with another guy after 1 1/2 yrs into our marriage and it took me five years to get over it so I didn't believe she would do this to me. During that visit of two weeks I seen alot of flirting and 3 to 5 phone calls a day between them. The day before I left he used his thumb to wipe paint off her cheak and she almost melted with me only 1 foot away. I know because I have seen that look in her eyes several times over our 18 yr marriage. Every time he called I could tell it was him by the way she got so bubbly. I asked her to stop the flirting and she told me it would. Before my next visit in Oct 04 she would hardly email or talk to me. He was filling that need. I cought her hiding emails and waiting to call him after I left the house. She would lie about the contact she had with him. I found out that the flirting didn't stop through some of the members at our church. The OM wife seems to think there is nothing wrong with any of this. Before I left in Nov 04 to go back over seas I asked them both to not have any physical contact (hugs) or for him to visit here without another adault around. They they broke both request in the first 48 hrs after I left then he lied to me about what had happened by changing stories. Over xmas she reevaluated her situation and has asked him to bring this back to were it should be. It took alot of help from our preacher and a friend of mine and the OM to get this to happen. My wife is still a friend to the whole family and does things with them. That I dont have a problem with. I still feel uncomfortable with her contact with the OM. I have untill Nov 05 before we are reunited. I don't feel I love her like before and I want that back. We are currently going through HNHN chapter by chapter together to talk about what we want and need. She'll be here for a two week visit starting Tuesday. Any ideas would be appreciated.

Just want to know if my W should have NC with him?

There is no question that there has to be NC, and NC for life.

If your wife is reading HN/HN than that is a very good.

She must understand that there can be no healing, and no rebuilding as long there is contact of any kind.

She needs also to rebuild your trust, this is the best way that she can start to do that.

NC should be a condition (a boundary) that is unwaivoring.

RHMike

I too started my affair as an EA, I think most do apart from the rare ONS sort of thing.

Friendship overstepped somewhere, I'm still not sure where we crossed the line in our thinking and it became physical. Even then I had to drink to go ahead with it so I started to have two problems.

I do think its asking for trouble with contact and the MB principles and Dr Harley STRONGLY reinforces NO CONTACT because his expereinces over many years shows renewed contact = renewed affair.
That the OM's wife does not think its a problem, well the nile is just not a river in Egypt. Please refer her to this site and the forums and have her ask that questions here if her husbands EA is any danger to her M!!!

Do EA's always lead to PA's?? possibly not, but far more often than not I would guess.

So, no contact is VERY important for the M recovery and for YOU!!
The EA between them means one of the prices they have to pay is the loss of the friendship! Yours as well most likely.
So youre paying additionally as well. (also I question how much of a friend is he to do this anyway???)

My guess is you will get a range of advice from dump her to forget about it........ I think both extremes are probably not healthy for you right now. NEVER make a decision about your M while you are angry and in fresh pain & hurting.
If you left now I'm sure you'd regret it down the track, if you just pretend it never happened that is just asking for trouble.

What ever you decide, wait until you feel more secure in yourself and the anger is less. No matter whatever is advised in the end its your choice and your right to try and rebuild or to end the M. I surely hope you decide to fight for your M as your WW commitment to work through HNHN is a great start!
However her choice to have a 2nd affair is pretty serious and surely she must realise it was a recipe for terminating the M???

Not saying its going to be easy for you to forgive another affair, nor to hear the truth about what went on - maybe that will be worse than you know about now - but you can get through it, many do. I'm still working on it so I guess I feel a bit inadequate giving you detailed advice.

I suspect youre at the end of your rope so to speak and this is your last hoorah as far as the M goes..is that how you feel right now???
If so you need to tell your WW this and how much this 2nd A hurts you. Try not to say to her 'you did this, you did that' etc, but instead express YOUR feelings about what happened...e.g 'wife this second affair has caused me dadadaddadada ' 'your contact with om causes me daddaaadada' and so on.

You really need her to be TOTALLY honest with you no matter how hurtful because how can you fight what you dont know? you need to be very much in control here so she feels safe in telling you the worst. Perhaps you both need some counselling at this point.

In other words be truthful but try not to love bust her...have you read about LB's and love banks etc??? Plan A & B in the basics???

Finally I think you need to insist on a MC a good one too who is pro M and works towards saving your M...... thought about using Steve Harley??? You can investigate that option on the counselling link above

well enough, you need to read and think ask questions etc ...all the best

I agree with weaver....has to be NC!!!! If the OM's family was such a great support she wouldn't have gotten herself into this mess.

When is your tour up?

Yeah, no question.....she needs to break all contact with him, the temptation would be too great.

-Caren

I'm going to read AW post but first I think the NC will be difficult they are at the same church of 150. She told me this morning She doesnt have warm fuzzy feelings when she see's him.

Tour up in Nov 05. The church members are her only support and there are several there trying to help.

It's not like we can go to a MC together we are thousands of miles apart. When I talk to her I try to tell her "I feel ... because of ..." I'm picky about the words to use. She is very close to the whole family kids included and that is what kept it from going further then it did. I have told her if she is completly honest it won't matter even if it was a PA if she want's to work this out. I've tried to be very understanding as to how this developed and that has got her to open up with her feelings about him. She has told me two things that realy mattered. She may never get over him and that was a month age. The second she admitted to being tempted but we haven't got into detail about that. I am trying to get her to make the desitions based on her love for me. It has taken some time but I think we are moving in the right direction. I'm over the complete emotional break downs which is good but my heart is somewhat cold.

RH-

You're in shock....you are in a good place for advice though.

Her saying the words "I may never get over him" Is a BAD sign. An EA is every bit as dangerous as a PA...it's really no better, IMO. My WH's EA led to his PA, when I was unable to find enough evidence to stop it.

I appealed to him, I begged him to go to MC, I tried so hard to do/be everything he wanted (I hadn't found MBers at this point)...he wasn't having any of it, he felt he was DONE. I appealed to her, I went to her house, talked to her out in her driveway for about 15 minutes, told her my H and I were separating...she apologize said she had no idea, I told her I had been uneasy about the amount of time he'd been spending 'helping' her, she said "It's nothing like that, I have appreciated his help, but that's all there is to it, I hope you didn't think that." SHE LIED TO MY FACE....I think that is one of the reasons I feel so strongly about her...I gave her an opportunity to back out of this and let me recover my family, she chose to continue an A with my WH.....it's completely unacceptable.

-Caren

I gave the OM a opertunity to back out also. I took him to lunch and told him there "friendship" was ruining my marriage. I even told him she was lieing to me about there contact. I found out later he even started to tell her she was beutiful..ect. One day while I was on the phone to her he sent a text message that said I hope you are ok love you. She started crying. She had asked him to not text or call but he didn't stop. He even got on my sons(19) cell and called her so she would answer. I thought that was sneaky.

Hello,

I have to write after reading your last message.
It is clear that the OM is out to destroy your marriage and his wife is in total denial. The comment of your wife that she may never be over him and her crying when she talks to him indicates that she is too weak to resist him.

My feeling is that you are way too forgiving. Your wife has a 2 and a half week sexual affair after 1 1/2 years of marriage. What were the consequences of her actions? Your wife now is emotionally involved with this OM and is unable to break contact and still physically in some way is in contact and you immediately forgive her.
You then tell her even if she has had sex with him then you will still forgive her. She tells you she has been tempted to have sex with him and you tell her you forgive her even if she has.

The point that I am trying to make is that there seems to be absolutely no consequences to her actions. The old saying no consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change may apply here. She continues to lie to you and continues in this emotional affair apparently with nothing to lose. I think for some people it is actually hard to respect a spouse that is constantly forgiving and acting like a doormat. The message at times is that she can be in this fantasy or the least emotional affair and she knows she has a husband who is totally forgiving time and again and is her safety net at the same time.

It sounds like she has become a cake eater because she knows there are no consequences to her actions. If you do not respect yourself then why should she respect you? If the roles were reversed, do you think she would be acting the way you are acting and accepting all of this disrespect and humiliation? I think that she is in the fog and will continue to be in this fog because she is allowed to without negative consequences to her behavior. When a spouse is allowed to continue to disrespect the other spouse without consequences then it is difficult to imagaine that the betrayed spouse will be viewed upon as someone to be respected. I wish you luck.

She sais there has been no intercourse both times. I think I believe her and I cann't find anyone that knows her that believes there was. The first time it took us five years to rebuild after the kissing. She has said recently she doesn't miss having the daily contact with him because she gets it from other(female) friends. I have told her that this has severly drained my love bank for her and that I will not go through this again. Yesterday she told me she realizes she can't have males for close friends and she is starting a contact group in the church for wives so they don't get attatched when the husbands are away. She talks to me know every day and appoligizes alot. I don't fell the lies are still going on but it has been only since xmas. From what I have heard from church friends they have backed off. I think enough people are watching to keep it that way but With contact I worry about a relaps. I'm doing much better at meeting her needs now. I still not there with her so I don't think I can meet them all. I just feel uncomfortable with her having contact with him.

Hello again,

It sounds more hopeful. It is good that you have a strong support network at the church to keep an eye on things. It is sad that these things happen because it really does drain the lovebank you have. Hopefully she realizes what she stands to lose if this behavior should continue now or in the future. I wish you luck.

Thanks. We both are a little nervous about her two week visit. We hope to make it into a honeymoon w/ one 6 yr old present. Maybe alone next summer. I'm just upset and feel like she is being disrespectfull for still talking to him even if it isn't about anything personal. I don't think she would want me to if the shoe was on the other foot. That is a game we play sometimes to get her to see things my way.

RHM .... this is the voice of experience talking.

My H had an 18 month PA that began exactly the same way. The OW was the wife of my H's best friend from childhood!

My H and I are 9 years recovered, in part, because ALL contact between them was severed.

No easy task because my H's Mother lives across the street from his X-friend's Mother.

Once the attraction between your W and OM has been felt and acknowledged by both of them, the attraction is never completely forgotten, and there is always the chance of re-ignighting if they are exposed to each other's company.

Sorry .... I think NC is going to be required, if not today, when you return from overseas.

Pep

The OM won't admit a EA or atraction of any type but his actions and comments to my wife says something completely different. Our mutual friend had him in tears and the OM told him he didn't want to hurt our marriage. I think the OM has had a hard time admiting he got to close. I will have to ask my wife if he ever admitted that to her. She seems to be opening up to me.

The OM won't admit a EA or atraction of any type but his actions and comments to my wife says something completely different. Our mutual friend had him in tears and the OM told him he didn't want to hurt our marriage. I think the OM has had a hard time admiting he got to close. I will have to ask my wife if he ever admitted that to her. She seems to be opening up to me.

The OM won't admit a EA or atraction of any type but his actions and comments to my wife says something completely different. Our mutual friend had him in tears and the OM told him he didn't want to hurt our marriage. I think the OM has had a hard time admiting he got to close. I will have to ask my wife if he ever admitted that to her. She seems to be opening up to me.

Seems like your W would be ok with NC. I mean I would if it were me and there were children and years of marriage that could be saved. Where is the loyalty now aday. The committment? Im have to agree with someone early that said she can have her cake and eat it too. No consequences. I am sorry for you and hope this turns out for the best. you seem to be a Very , Very Understanding
Person.

RHMike,

Your post really hit home for me except our roles were reversed. My spouse was overseas and spending time with a female. He said he told me everything they were doing therefore it was ok. When I expressed my feelings to him and wanting him to stop he promised to not go over to her place but broke that promise within days. He bought her gifts so on and so forth and to this day denies any feelings for her. My heart aches for the position you are in because you are unable to follow some of the same things others on this site can do such as MC.

The greatest thing you have on your side is that people at your church know and are walking with your wife and helping her. I pray you also have someone walking with you as that was the one thing that got me through, changing me and working on my walk with God. One suggestion I have is getting your wife the Power of the PRaying Wife book and ask her to pray for you, I did this for my spouse the power of the praying husband and I believe it helped us. I wanted to write more but have to take care of the kids. I just want you to know I understand how you feel being so far away while your wife is going through this. It looks like she is trying to take steps in the right direction and it is great the group she is trying to get started.

Prayers for you and your family

Thanks R and T2B2

W arrives tomorrow with 6 year old son. The OM wrote a email yesterday in a attempt to explain things. T2B2 I bought her a book called Praying With Your Husband along with other books for both of us. I'm excited and nervous about the visit.