I have a was dependent on my WH for the emotional support I needed and always received from him until 2 yrs ago. When it stopped I became very withdrawn -afraid and did not preform well on my job. In all the years that we have been together the love was so strong and beautiful. The withdrawal of that love hit me like a freight train. I never ever in my life felt love until I met my H. My family, ment everything to me. I have gone on and worked and am a strong woman. I do not know if I shall ever trust him as deeply as I always have. To soon to tell. He is not a man who tells all and has still not reveiled things to me -I think he is afraid that I will leave him. I am building up our relationship and tell him I will not leave him -that I love him and want our M. I am hoping in time he will open up and reveal what happened. I need to know so that I can put everything behind me.

This has really been seizmic to me today because of this thread.

I know all those roles in life are valid ( Friend, husband, employee, boss, Dad etc etc) but thats ALL I have.

Remove my reflection from others and i have no identity. I am what I am to others. I have no self. On a desert island I wouldn't be 'Bob'. There IS no Bob only a number of 'Bob THE...'s.

Strp away how others see me and I have no recognition of myself. This has been a real revelation to me.

Huge really...

Need to work out what the ramifications are of this and how to effect a change.

Don't even have the picture on the box right now let alone all the jigsaw pieces. Blimey ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My independance all but faded in the years since EL and I wed and then immediately had our DD together. She already had 2 kids.

I walked in and immediately started letting myself go for the "good" of the rest of the family. Shortly after we wed we moved to a new city and state. All down hill since then.

I think D-Day and the weeks there after were so extremely devistating because of my severe dependance/need/trust for my wife.

I am not sure that she even gets it now. I really belive that she has not a clue how much pain has been felt by me and the kids.

I still look back and wish that it was only a dream, but I know better.

Bob,

As many of us have discovered, having our "roles" define who we are is very dangerous. No matter how important these roles are to us - they are just "roles"...and can be quite easily lost...along with our "identity".

The more prudent path (IMHO) is to choose that none of our "roles" be as essential to our identity as our "values". It should be our "values" that define us. Identify yourself as someone who values growth, love, truth, happiness, and beauty. Realize that you are only a "god spark" that occupies your mind and body over a certain period of time. Be an explorer on a journey through life that attempts to maximize your "values", through many (ever changing roles), each moment of your life.

DBL POST

<small>[ February 01, 2005, 12:01 PM: Message edited by: Ron53 ]</small>

I had just given up my career to be a sahm. I gave up work in part because I knew things were not as great as they could be. The moment I quit, he had his affair. No doubt in my mind that they had something to do with each other. I thought about returning to work, but realized that if we were going to rebuild, things would need to change. It is too bad that he hadn't waited a little longer. I know we just didn't have enough alone time while I was working. I actually made more money than he did and did almost everything at home, so it is ironic. I was far from dependent before the affair. It happened just as I was to become dependent on him. It was hard not to just walk away and go back to work, but I had the feeling we could work it out and that the kids would benefit from my staying home. My hunch was correct, and I believe we have recovered because we changed our lifestyle so dramatically.

On the contrary, my H was totally dependant on ME (due to certain circumstances, school etc.) and I believe one of the reasons he had the A was to assert his independance from me. To 'get away' from me. To reject his dependance on me. Even though I wasn't the one making him so dependant - he did it to himself.

My H was unemployed, depended on me financially, for the roof over his head, food on the table, etc. I believe he resented this dependency VERY much, stuck out at me by having an A. The OW was very sweet, dependant on HIM and he liked that (in a way) even though he couldn't support her, etc.!

Gosh, relationships are complex. I thought I was helping him by supporting him during a difficult time. He really resented it and hated me for it. Jeez. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I was totally dependent on my wife. She dealt with the bills, shopping, decisions on what to eat, where to go. But she was also dependent on me to take care of the kids and earn money (which has not been all that easy). I quess you could say we were in many ways totally dependant upon each other. I take the main responsibility here though - I relied on her to know how to solve every problem that came up - even tho I had it within me to do the steps myself.

As a SAHM, I was financially dependent on him.In retrospect, being a SAHM was a huge mistake, though trying to raise six kids while working is horrible as well.

I did not feel unnaturally emotionally dependent on him. Had he died, I think I would have managed ok, although I would have been very sad of course.

What is more difficult to handle is the betrayal. That is something that you never get over. That hasn't changed a bit in six years.