Hello, all. Sorry I wasn't around yesterday. As it turns out, yesterday was D-day. I didn't know it was going to happen. The day before I had written a letter...I guess just to get it all out of my head...not knowing when or if I would ever give the letter to my H.

It had to have been the Holy Spirit prompting me. Anyway, it hit the fan...several times. After a day of crying, talking, and crying some more, H was able to confess to me that since jr. high he's had a problem with porn. I knew he had looked at it a bit since we were married, but had no idea it was as big as it was.

I know I was wrong, unfortunately, most human minds (H especially) believe that sins against the "flesh" are worse than the ones in your head.

He as agreed to seek counseling, and has requested that I do the same. I'm worried about this though, we have very little money and live in a VERY small town. I know the Lord will provide, it's just so hard to trust.

Thank you again for all of your words and advice. I really did know all along in my heart what I needed to do. Thanks so much for all your support. I'll probably be back to keep you updated on our progress.

kansas, please keep posting. This will be a very difficult time in both your lives. So, who confessed first? That is awesome that you both have come clean. This is a chance for a fresh start for you.

It kind of played out crazy, but he woke me up yesterday morning mad because he had seen on the computer that I had gone to a web site that belonged to an old boyfriend in high school. He wanted to know if there was anything going on between us now. I told him, no, I had just received a mass email that was sent to probably 100 people telling of this site (he is now a published author and is promting his books). I went there just to check it out.

Somehow I received a tiny bit of courage and decided it was now or never. I asked H if he had a bit to talk, he said he did. I told him that I had also been to THIS site and had read a lot and decided to write him a letter. I went and printed it off, handed it to him, and sat there while he read it. Things were pretty tense for quite a while. He then called one of his best friends (made sure I was ok with him telling) and was gone for a couple hours. When he came home he confessed.

His friend's wife called me and told me that I could totally trust her if I ever wanted to talk. Turns out a few years ago they were in a very similar boat. She came over last night and we talked for quite a while. It was nice to finally be able to tell a person, face to face. I had not ever told anyone before. Typing it to all of you the other day was the first time it's been out of my head.

I'm having a hard time feeling like my feelings are valid. I know we both were wrong, but I'm so filled with shame and there's a part in me that says I deserve whatever terrible emotions flood my body.

Last night H and I had a really good long talk...that hasn't happend for years. Then this morning he woke up feeling pretty bad again about what I had done. He went to work today (he didn't go yesterday) and hasn't said much to me since.

I don't know how to act or think or anything. I don't want to repulse him anymore and I'm having a hard time telling him how hurt I am about his problem.

Guess it's good to vent. Thanks for listening.

kansas, you are going to hurt for a while. From both your betrayal of him and what he has done to you. Whatever you do don't allow your conversations or discussion to become a who was worse type scenario. You were both wrong. Now work on the M. I found that though my A had been over for a long, long time I felt dirty all over again when my H found out. I am glad you have someone to talk to. Keep posting, we are listening.