David,

We are all here for YOU! Your situation sounds just like mine except my WW has done it 3 times. This time was the worst. Started last May and came to a head in August. I hit rock bottom, cried my eyes out, lost 25 lbs, threw-up everything I ate, never slept. But you know what buddy? I got through it. I am still having bad days but nothing like what you are going through right now. It will get better I promise you it will.

Take care of yourself, what she is doing is HER choice. She can and will blame you but the important thing is you don't blame yourself.

Contact me anytime. I will keep an eye on your posts and I just emailed you.

YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!!!

Hi BHINWI:

Thanks for the comfort - and the email.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Take care of yourself, what she is doing is HER choice. She can and will blame you but the important thing is you don't blame yourself. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know it's her choice, and ultimately her problem. But I don't want her to hurt, or to get hurt, and I can see so much pain in her future. She's making the biggest mistake of her life - it could even ruin her chance at finishing law school - a dream we both shared up until this happened. I guess maybe I care more for her than I thought I did.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">True, I know there's light at the end of the tunnel - this is my second marriage. Its just hard to lose a friend you've had for 20 years. Guess I need to be more careful picking friends.....

David

Number 1 common error committed by BS is placing too much emphasis on "every word" WS utters. Disregard most of what she says, it's FOGSPEAK!

Number 2 common error committed by BS is thinking this will go faster than it does. It takes as long as it takes. (think months)

You are on the right path.

Disengage - any appearance of being needy or desperate works against you. WW is not your W. Disconnect from her chaos. Don't let her drag you into emotional turmoil. She owns that.

Rather, appear (you'll win an Oscar) cool, calm, collected, and fully in control of YOUR life (even if you have to go sit and cry after your conversations with WW)

Measure success by the MONTH, not by the day or week. WS's come around ever so painfully slowly.

Stay busy as hell with the rest of your "life", with your work, your kids, eat well, sleep well, and take care of your physical health. Plan A requires strength and resolve.

Focus on every word, and continue with the calm, well thought out responses when with her. Confuses the hell out of the WS.

Continue to let her know you are not ready to consider divorce, you love her (without the "I love you's) and you believe in her.

Her hurtful or oblivious remarks are uttered to "get to you" so you'll LB. That allows her to make you out to be the "bad husband", and further justify her affair. Do not be provoked. Remain calm, and if anger wells, walk away "laughing".

Think positive.

Read SAA over and over.

Post here and vent whenever necessary.

Believe!

Best wishes,
SD

<small>[ February 02, 2005, 08:27 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

[/qb][/QUOTE] Guess I need to be more careful picking friends..... [/QB][/QUOTE]

David! You are blaming yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Don't do it. Your wife of 20 years is doing this to you, not you to her. Stay cool and calm around her, she wants to see weakness. Show your weakness here or to friends. Don't give her the pleasure of seeing it.

You're right, of course. As long as I am face to face with her, I manage very well. It;s the time apart that is so hard. Even tho she hardly speaks to me at honme, I still know she is observing me, looking for chinks in the armor, etc, and also confused as to why I seem so capable (it IS an act). I use the boards here to vent and cry, because I know I would do it in front of her if I didn't. I've written some pretty strong vents here...

I am a little concerned that she may have already gotten a house and is preparing to move into it - it's a hunch I have...she told me she needed the refridgerator, and wondered if I was going to find a place that had one...kind of a wierd question unless she already had the place lined up. Of course, I'm USING the fridge we have right now, so she may need to get one of her own. She also wants the washer and dryer, which, by the way, are running right now. It's just that its so hard to recognize the BS from the Fog from the Real Person from the Wishful Thinker....if you know what I mean. I used to be able to answer her right off, because she was always truthful - but now I don't trust a single syllable that comes out of her mouth, and it makes things very hard.

Humorous Note: I told her I didn't want the kids around the OM, she said "Oh, I'm not having an affair" - just a day after telling me how much he loves her and how she feels around him.....*POIT* How stupid do you think I am?

Well, I am
Davidiot

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
David! You are blaming yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Don't do it. Your wife of 20 years is doing this to you, not you to her. Stay cool and calm around her, she wants to see weakness. Show your weakness here or to friends. Don't give her the pleasure of seeing it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do keep blaming myself - I know if I'd been more attentive, filled her ENs - NONE OF THIS WOULD BE HAPPENINNG!

Actually, I do really well around her. It's here on the boards that I actually fall apart. I USE you guys - heh heh heh heh. If she read half of what I posted here....Oh Lordy!

Humorous Note: I told her I didn't want the kids around the OM, [QUOTE]she said "Oh, I'm not having an affair" - just a day after telling me how much he loves her and how she feels around him.....*POIT* How stupid do you think I am?[QUOTE]

That is EXACTLY what my WW did.

What happens if you find yourself not giving a flying....care.....if your WS is around or not? Is it too late? Has the bank been totally drained? How do you proceed?

When my WH and I separated (b4 I knew about MB)he was in such a hurry to get rid of me, he let me take EVERYTHING...washer/dryer, furniture...everything. So I think it might not be a horrible sign she's trying to split things up....I know when I divorced my first husband I gave him everything he wanted just to get out of it quick.(Got married the 1st time @17, D'd by 20) Something to think about.

-Caren

Actually, that helped Caren. My wife just IMd me to check on my work hours over the next week. She has something major planned. I haven't known her for 20 years to not be able to read thru that. She wants to get stuff our of the house while I'm working overnight.

Fortunately I called my atty earlier and left a VM saying I was willing to pay his initial fees if he's start the paper work tomorrow. If not, I told him I'd get someone else.

I am not waiting to lose my kids to some sort of kidnapping. My DD, while I was helping her with homework tonight, said she wanted to stay with me. No coaxing, no questions on my part. She volunteered that info. That was enough for me. I'm done.

I will have those papers served as fast as possible, including emergency custody papers. I am in no mood to play games with an alien. Please pray for me if you are of my Lord, otherwise, please wish me good luck. I cannnot take anymore. My wife is planning something - never underestimate a group of wanna-be law students. I am PISSED OFF.

I know her too well, even if an alien has taken over, to know that she will f*** around when it comes to getting her way. She thinks I am too much of a wimp to do anything. She has not counted on me studying and lurking on MB since last Sept. I am done.

You can hit me with all the 2X4s you want, my kids mean more to me than bruises from well meaning friends. She doesn't know the new me, nor does she expect it.

I am stronger than she can imagine. And I will not give her my children.

David. Not in a good mood.

<small>[ February 03, 2005, 12:42 AM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

Ok, she got home and wanted to talk. I asked her if she got a house - she has, and intends to have the kids move in with her. I knew this was happening. She works very fast when she needs to. However, she has not yet hired a lawyer - I pray that my lawyer will take my offer tomorrow and I will find the rest of the money later.

She wants me to be 'civil' about this. I intend to. I am about to calmly ask for custody of our children. I don't understand why she is so closed, but I will never understand, I guess. She's mad at me because I won't give in to every demand she makes, as though I owe her something so she can 'be happy' with the new OM. Bite me. I have been faithful to the children thru all of this, and she had the gall to ask if I had 'really told the kids what was going on'. No kidding. Of course I did.

Mom is abandoning her family for fun. She asked me for the kids, and then asked me what I would feel if she took the kids from me......er......Duh......isn't that what you're asking?

David, going to sleep, alone again.

<small>[ February 03, 2005, 01:19 AM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

Fog babble is thick tonight, eh? Well the adrenaline of setting up a new house will carry her for awhile then, reality will set in.

You though get to rest (I know alone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) but at least you can do it with a clear conscience. WS' on the other hand can have all the company the bed can handle but it will never ever be comfortable. Never get a good nights rest. That you can rest assure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

The damage is just getting worse, though. Before she got home, DD and I were working on her homework together and she kept telling me all the planbs she has for our family - this is going to hurt the kids so badly. WW slept on the couch again, because I wouldn't agree with her in custody - we weren't fighting, just talking, and she suddenly got up and walked out mumbling "I don't see why I have to sleep on the couch..." I just said, "Good night..."

What else could I do? I just wish she could see what she's doing to her family.

David, if you read my story you can see the similarities, they are scary.

First, get the paperwork filed ASAP, I'm not sure what state you are in, but in many states, simply filing kicks in protections for the one that files. Custody is the big thing, once you have filed, then her trying to move the kids will be seen as a major disruption to their lives.

Couch all of your comments regarding the kids in the fact that you are doing what is "in the best interests" of the children.

I have heard almost every one of the WW comments you have posted.

My WW even told me "this is not an affair, I really care about OM" she also told me that she would never "shack up w/ OM" and then moves him & his 2 kids into her small apartment.

I filed, and am waiting now on the first court appearance. She missed the court ordered mediation. I expect to get full custody, and let her house of cards fall in, I still love her, and I wish I could make this nightmare end, but I also know that God's timing is perfect, and it rarely matches up with our sense of timing.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Hosea

How you doing today David? It gets better, be strong!

Dear David....

I am going to assume you are familiar with Harley's Giver and Taker concept.

Harley says there are 3 states of mind in any marriage ... (greatly paraphrasing)

1. Intimacy

We are feeling in love and we feel happy. During this time, our state of mind is controlled by our Giver. We do whatever it takes to make our spouse happy. When we are happy, our Taker is quiet. This fills our spouse's love bank, and as long as this love bank filling is mutual ... both love banks get filled. But if the love bank filling is NOT mutual, it will likely lead to resentment if it is too one-sided for too long which can lead to the following stage....

2. Conflict

This is when our Taker has say over our state of mind. The Taker demands that we do/get whatever makes us happy ... even if it makes our spouse unhappy. Fighting is the taker's favorite negotiating strategy. Both love banks are drained if both spouses stay in conflict. If fighting does not work to quiet our Taker, then the next marital state of mind is ....

3. Withdrawl

Our Taker wants to give up on our spouse entirely. Taker says to us : "Oh screw it! This is not worth any more time or effort. Time to move on." This is a state of feeling emotionally divorced.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

David... Plan A is going against your natural desire to allow your Taker to take over and protect yourself. Right now, if you allow your Taker to place you in the emotional divorced state of mind, you will end up divorced.

BUT ... IF you understand the dynamics of what is happening ... YOU can control YOU!!!!!

Plan A is denying your Taker ... or at the very least, delaying your Taker's immediate take-over!

And if you study the 3 states of mind, you will understand where you wife is at any given moment. This understanding will give you the upper hand if you can control your Taker for a bit longer.

Pep

<small>[ February 03, 2005, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pepper-

I understand the three states, WW vaccilates between w/d and conflict, but is, for the most part w/d. I've been working in full time Giver (for the most part) while around her. Not sure how this applies right now tho -

Just spoke with her - she has signed a one year lease on a house, is planning on starting to move tonight (she asked me for a copy of my work schedule so that her friends and she could rob the house while I'm gone.) She is still all cheerful about telling the kids that they now have two places to live instead of one (she han't brought this up with the kids yet).

I am getting ready to return a call to my atty (he called a while ago and I missed the call)

I asked her to reconsider, she doesn't even seem to comprehend what I'm asking...

Not doing so well...

David