Great reaction David!

David,

Do you ever go to the zoo?? Did you see the signs "Don't feed the animals"?

Well, write out a sign for yourself. "Don't feed the A." When you LB you feed her A. Starve that thing and keep starving it. It is the best way to treat it.

Now tonight get your kids together, talk to them about their mother leaving and tell them it is alright to love their mother, you love her as well. However, the group of you are going to have to pull through this and that means helping each other, keeping the grades up, and coming to you if they need to talk about things.

David, you are THE leader now. LEAD your children by loving them, guiding them, and showing them how to deal with adversity. You cannot show your W love but you sure can show your kids. FOCUS on your children.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Repeat after me "Don't feed the A." You are doing better than you think

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 10:35 AM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

You did well! And I like the term" Don't feed the A". Don't do it.

I got a piece of advice too...and it was from I believe Redhat to told me long ago to "Don't be the glue that keeps them together".

When you LB, you make more glue that sticks the WS together.

She said that to cut you. Hurt you. She knew it would get a rise out of probably 99% of all married men out there. And you chose to not LB. You chose not to.

That was good. And when you cause conflict with her and the OM, that's more glue. Let them feed off each other and LB amongst themselves. Remember, "don't feed the a". And "don't be the glue". If you only say and do positive things and limit contact, then that's a huge step! I know this.

Meanwhile, if he begins to LB at all, it will be seen. She's sticking to him now b/c it's the "us against the whole world" mentality that affair partners have. Everybody knows it's wrong. God says it's wrong. But we have to prove to the world we're right. See the logic? Foggy, but see it? If you can get THEIR glue to melt, then you are getting it.

I am sorry for your pain. You're doing a good plan A.

Just remember...love your kids, love yourself. God loves you too!

And remember when talking to foggy people...it is like talking to mental patients!

I am not sure what it is you do for a living, but I am in healthcare also. When I talk to my xh, I remind myself of exactly who it is I am on the phone with or talking to. He's somebody who's not "all there". You need to be short, sweet, and decent to them. Remember, your W is out there...living with messed up levels of serotonin and dopamine levels...that's what the WS have surging thru their brains which is helping CONFUSE

affairs with love.

Sorry bout that...hit send too early.

Now here's what to do. Contact A team: Redhat, Bob Pure, and Orchid. Redhat is a great thinker and very very much the A king. Bob did a great plan A. And Orchid is the queen of reverse fog talk. Learn their ways.

And here's what worked with me that brought wh home for a few months...but alas, mine is (and orchid and redhat could verify this) probably one of the WORST waywards here at MB.

What worked? Some "minor" modifications. A few months before filing, my new counselor mentioned that there could be a way and she'd never read on this but thought it could work...and it was to use their own surging dopamine receptors/serotonin againt the affair. And that was to appear foggy yourself..but only a little.

She said that quite possibly, all the while implementing the MB technique, that you could win them back just enough to get them into counselling or help.

What I was to do: I changed my schedule. Just a little. When I would be home and son would be with x, I would go out for a cup of coffee. Anything to not be where I was supposed to be for a while. Could be at a library even. Anywhere but home. And turn the cell off. You must be out of contact and not home. I changed my hairstyle (grew it longer and got it blonder with streaks in it). Bought some new clothes. Clothes that didn't scream "hello, I am a N. GA housewife with an suv". Instead they screamed "Hello baby". And I took a class I had always wanted to take that was only on the nights my son was visiting my x. I took a wine tasting class. He had said a while earlier if he had the time, he wished we could have learned this..so I did it.

Now if you can imagine, here's this woman..doing a great plan A. He comes home for a day or so. Inbetween seeing OW. He sees somebody that not only is behaving differently (MB and plan A) but not LBusting and is looking differently as well. I am cooking dinner and serving a new wine with each meal. And telling him how much I've learned and how great it was for him to suggest to do that! Then when he gets my son and I was alone, I went to a political club meeting (am still a member of) and wine tasting classes. He calls me for "stupid" reasons and gets only a voice mail. I am not at home. He begins to think I am a little foggy. Began to worry. And in that instant HE became the ungluing of him and his OW. He wanted to know what I was doing. Where was the little wife now? She looks good. She's smart. She's not home. She's learning new things.

All the while, I was either at a meeting or drinking coffee or shopping or something...but in HIS mind, I was out at some fancy restaurant with a suitor and having a long conversation over the best bottle of wine in the restaurant. Suddenly, he had motivation again! He saw why he may have been wrong.

It did work..for a while..but the idea was to get him home and get him into counselling. But as the counsellor told me, I had to stick with the positive changes. And that either way, I would be better off.

She was right. He did come home. He did want to work. But in the end, he was unstable and was unable to break the chains of his affair and the addiction to his self serving behaviors. We divorced. But even during the divorce and separation, he would still try to come out of fog for a day or so off and on. He'd freak out and wonder who I was seeing or what was I doing? Once he said..."I can't commit to you right now...but when this is all over (his being wierd and fogged out and he knew it by then) I can't imagine being without you." But by that time I was waaaaaay gone.

This is one technique that works well with MB and a flawless...and I say FLAWLESS PLAN A.

Well,I think there was a major breakthru tonight - this may not last as long as I thought, although what she's going to do with a one-year lease on a house is a quandary...

WW asked DD if she'd like to spend the night over at mommy's house - just the two of them. DD (9) said, no - she didn't want to leave home and her kitty. WW was rather devastated.

She called me to a back room and asked me not to move out of the house (I'm looking for a cheaper place). She said this is too much of a home for the kids (DD hasn't known another). - she said she would help pay any expenses I couldn't cover. Won't refuse that!

After she left, she called me, crying, asking if she'd be welcome to stay here once in a while. I told her this was her home, and her family was here. She told me that she had moved because she felt at the time that the only other alternative was suicide. ALthough I'm not sure what that meant (I know guilt over an A can cause that reaction). I told her that I was more than willing to work at anything to restore and improve our marriage. She was still crying when she hung up.

Kind of broke my heart (my absolute love for W) but its a good sign for WW!

David

David,

Don't keep falling for her crying spells ok? I have seen this happening to you over and over.You cannot let your WW come and go in your home if she is going to carry on in her A.Until it's over,she is just going to cake eat.If you want to grant her this ability for now while in Plan A,fine.But be ready for Plan B soon( I would say end of March perhaps max) when you will finally pull the plug on her for good and "force" her into some decision making(hopefully pull her off the fence).Your DDay was back in December and Plan A isn't designed to be done for many many months.I know you feel somewhta hopeful when you see her cry and she "seems" to be making some concessions but in reality,we see this all the time and they usual revert back to the alien.My WH still cries and fog speaks but we are STILL going ahead with the divorce.

You are doing really good keeping your cool and being stronger now.I hope all that business with Leslie? is over FOR GOOD.That was NOT good to hear from you.

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong> David,

Don't keep falling for her crying spells ok? I have seen this happening to you over and over.You cannot let your WW come and go in your home if she is going to carry on in her A.Until it's over,she is just going to cake eat.If you want to grant her this ability for now while in Plan A,fine.But be ready for Plan B soon( I would say end of March perhaps max) when you will finally pull the plug on her for good and "force" her into some decision making(hopefully pull her off the fence).Your DDay was back in December and Plan A isn't designed to be done for many many months.I know you feel somewhta hopeful when you see her cry and she "seems" to be making some concessions but in reality,we see this all the time and they usual revert back to the alien.My WH still cries and fog speaks but we are STILL going ahead with the divorce.

You are doing really good keeping your cool and being stronger now.I hope all that business with Leslie? is over FOR GOOD.That was NOT good to hear from you.

O </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi O -

Yes, I fall everytime for her crying spells. But I am also staying out of them - I just let her do it. They do make me hope though! II hang onto every shred of hope - weakness of mine, I suppose, but I do want things to work out. I'm still in plan A, still considering plan b - although Dr Harley recommends 6 months for women - I had originally planned on Plan B for June 16, which would be 6 months after I confronted her and asked for NC.

As for the situation with my XOW - I have her blocked from my IM list, wich I could delete her name from that list, just to totally avoid any temptations, but I did strictly request NC at all (something I never really did - wasn't aware of MB concepts when my A was ending). I've been a little more than concerned that if she is on MB, that she can read my posts and know what is going on with my M - something that she wanted to end 4 years ago so that we could be together. I've been thinking about changing my MB name (it's the same as my IM contact name), except that it has a very special meaning to me, and would be hard to lose...still debating that. I also know, if my W ever starts to read these boards, she could read my posts, and maybe lear a bit about me (and hopefully I haven't LBd her too much in some of my angry vents) - so I'm not sure I want to change my name for that reason as well...

Thanks,

David

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 10:52 AM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>