WOW!!! This is a hard one!!!<P>My H has had both the one OW and a lot of Laydies.....<P>I have experienced both.<P>What it comes down to for me is that I think the worst part is seeing my husband change into a kind of person that is so lacking in morals, integrity and compassion for others.<P>It's watching him self destruct and not being able to do a thing about it!!!<P>It's knowing that he is running away instead of standing and dealing with life and it's problems.<P>That is the worst part for me - that is the deepest hurt........<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

It is hard to say. As each new detail came to light, I thought that it couldn't hurt more, but it kept hurting more and more.<P>It really hurt to know that he set out to hurt me by having an affair and if it hadn't been her it would have been someone else, eventually. It hurt to know that they were in our house, in our bed, on our den floor, etc. It hurt to know that they spent hours on the phone after I had fallen asleep, or minutes while I was in the shower, talking about how much they loved each other and were such "soul mates" (Yecch! There's that term again!)<P>Since we were both the only ones who had slept with each other, it hurts a lot to know that I am now probably the only person in her 40s left in America who has had only one sexual partner and that he has been with someone else.<P>Sorry to ramble on - the whole darn thing hurts really bad, even after a year of counseling and a lot of progress in rebuilding our relationship.<BR>

FA<BR>Sorry, the whole friggin mess hurts...the lies upon lies, the thought that he was most likely thinking of her while he made love to me, the lies, the wanting to be with someone else so badly that he left our family, did I mention the lies? And the CONSTANT memories that he slept with her...was she better than me? And the memories...they never go away...sorry! <P>------------------<BR>You will be stronger because of this.<P>

I have just spent the last ten days on vacation with my wife, hoping that we could rekindle some of the "passion" she claims the OM offers her. I found making love to be quite painful. I kept trying not to think of her with him, but couldn't. Whenever she wanted to try something new, I couldn't help but wonder if that was something that she tried with him.<P>My friends and therapist keep telling me that it is only sex. That she had sex with men before me and I shouldn't be so upset by the act, but rather by her lies and the fact that she lacks the character to be faithful and to admit any guilt. Yet, after six months of hell, I find it easier to understand that she could let herself fall for someone else. Thinking about her letting another man make love to her, or her making love to another man, telling another man that she loves him...that is often too much to bear. <P>By the way, the vacation idea worked for ten days. She told me she loved me fifty times a day. We got back yesterday. Nothing has changed. I am still not "soft" and "understanding" or a dozen other buzzwords to describe the perfect man who has been carrying on an affair with my wife.

The part that hurts the worst for me is that the man whom I thought had an infinite love for his children is willing to give them up in order to be with her.

What hurts me the most is that she lied about keeping our vows which are to each other and God. If she had kept her vow to me and God, we wouldn't be where we are today with the excruciating pain that gnaws slowly but persistently. I feel the pain can be lessened to the point where it seems as though it is completely gone with total honesty and unconditional love.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

All of it hurts, and thats the truth. I have to say that the fact he spent time with them, cared for them and yes even loved them hurts a little more than the sex, but not much. <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

To be honest the sex part of my H realtionship really didn't bother me. It was the emotional part that almost killed me.

The emotional part deffinately. It has nearly killed me and us. He is still in love with her. The sex wasn't nearly as good with her as it is with me. Nope even if it was better it would be that he fell in love with her. Wether it is a fantasy as it is because it never involved real life...but the love he felt for her, that new love, that wonderful crazy feeling that has you floating...that kills me.<P>I am actually jealous I'd like to be able to feel that again. I just couldn't do it at the expense of my commitment to God or my husband. I love him dearly.<P><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

You know I have been trying for eleven months to figure that one out.<P>I guess it is extremely hard for me to say. Both things ie. Sexual and emotional were supposed to be only between her and I.<P>My W was Involved emotionally to begin with, but it (of course) progressed to the physical part.<P>I believe that one is as bad as the other and if you only have had to deal with one or the other then whatever that particular one is seems the worst.<P>But I think most of us were blinded enough to what was going on that we have had to deal with both.<P>Either way you slice the cake it SUCKS!!!!<P>Both are direct betrayl and violate those sacred vows. I don't believe one pain is worse than the other, but having both compounds the pain.<P>I don't mean to neglect the lying, sneaking and decieving either that is just all part of the crap after one allows themselve to fall.

ALL OF IT.....THE SEX, THE PLAYING DADDY TO HER KID, THE FACT THAT HE PROTECTS HER, WHEN HE SHOULD BE PROTECTING ME!!!!!!<P>Sorry, had the need to shout it!!

<BR> The sex doesnt bother me as much as his feelings for her.The things he said to her,<BR> the way he must have felt for her, even though he denies it to this day.He thinks it<BR> is the sex that bothers me so much,I believe that is what would bother him most.<BR> He also thinks it wasnt as much of an affair<BR> as I make it out to be since they only spent one weekend together. He just doesnt get it.Two years is alot in my opinion!

Like some other people here, the sex part didn't hurt half as much as the emotional. As the fact that he was ready to turn his back on us without a second thought. Or that he couldn't rememeber any good things in our marrige.Or that we didn't have a real conversation for so long - when he knows that's so important to me - and then was talking to her hours and hours.<BR>It hurt me that he couldn't care less about my pain, and tht he was turning into somebody so different , throwing all the things he had valued before to the trash without blinking.<BR>The pain is less and less present now. And he's really making an effort to help me forget about it, but sometimes it comes back. I'm glad that is happening less and less too <BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

The man I thought I knew, I really didn't.<BR>Even though we are in a strong marriage now, it is not the same comfortable feeling I once had. Time has been lost, feelings have been altered. Thoughts are in my mind forever that shouldn't be there because of his unfaithfulness. I have had to Grow up to fast, even at this old age, some of the fun will be gone forever.<BR>PS. At least this is how I feel now after 19 mo. into recovery and 30 years of marriage. I'm sure I felt all the thoughts that you all are feeling, But, I have let alot of them go, I know he wasn't IN LOVE with the OW, or, he wouldn't be with me now. I am looking forword to 5 years from now, I know TIME will even change my feelings for the better. <P>---------------<BR>"TIME" <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Almost Happy (edited September 22, 1999).]

AlmostHappy,<P>It sounds like you and your spouse have come a long way, and I wanted to congratulate you both on that. Time does seem to be the key.<P>That comfortable feeling is what I miss most. And I fear I'll never feel that way again.....

Almost Happy<BR>When I read your post I thought "when did I write this?" I read the rest and realized it wasnt me, but your thoughts are exactly what I have been trying to explain to myself...the key word was "comfortable"..we are only into 9th week of discovery/recovery (words which I DETEST typing)and it still seems like we are both walking on eggshells..him afraid of hurting me and me afraid of love busting big time! More than I hate to admit I have had to bite my tongue to keep from saying what my heart feels of this "affair"...so instead I cry. Isn't it unfair that because of their "mistake" we have to pay for it? As I have said H can just say it is over and put it behind us and OW of course just gets to walk away and start something up with someone else!!! Oh here I go again, but I just have to vent here.<P>Hope you all have a great day and many more to follow.

The fact that H had sex with OW because he was too much of a conflict avoider to tell me he needed it from me made me very angry, but with time, that anger has faded and truthfully, I really don't think much about that anymore. But the fact that H told OW terible things about me and told her he loved her cut me deeply to the core and still brings me twinges of pain every now and then. <P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Star Dazz,<BR>If you need to vent some more, I'd like to help. I seems that one of my missions is to pass on what I have learned, maybe it will help someone. Sounds like you have a good new start with your H, going in the right direction. It takes alot of work, big time, but is worth it. If I can help, E-mail me.<BR>Almost <BR>almosthappy99@hotmail.com<P>OnceHappy,<BR>Thanks for the nice words, you can be here too, TIME, I didn't know how my story would go, no one does, you really need others to lean on, after all, your main person isn't there right now, but, it will get better, you have to work through it. I am so much more relaxed now, day by day it gets better. <P>----------<BR>TIME <BR>

The sex was worse for me, as i am his fourth wife, and his best friends were women when we got married, so i had no real problem "sharing" him emotionally, he was never really mine...but the sex...well, he was the first person in ten years that i have ever really WANTED, and for him to think i was having an affair with someone else really hurts, and then to share that body of his that I want so much was a slap in the face.

For me it is All bad and I will spend the rest of my life asking WHY.<BR>Why did my Best Friend betray me?<BR>He did not like the sex with her C she just laid there and after they were done he threw <BR>her out cause he was so digusted with himself) <BR>There was no romance ,intimacy, emotional connection ,love, compassion, desire etc.<BR>The Slut/Whore was available thats all(in my Husbands words..it was better then jerk...ng<BR>off) I guess after being alone for 8mth this is what happens.I suppose my situation is a little different from some of the other posts but let me tell you it hurts the same to no end.<BR>We used to be something special in todays society ( married to the SAME person for 24yrs) now we are part of statistics. We are no longer unique and pure.<BR>That hurts,and for what? Some lowlife no good <BR>manipulating SLUT! H would give his life if he could go back and change it.<BR>As for me.. Life has changed forever!I miss what we once had.