just because you are not feeling it doesn't mean that a Higher power isn't watching out for you!

You are here, right? We are here! How is that not some sort of Divine intervention??

Did you ever have a faith you identified with?

Ivory,

If you need to chat, here's my addy: mborchid2@yahoo.com

I can call you later. Maybe others will be available if you need also. I am in Hawaii, so let me know the time difference. C/b someone closer if you want, ok? We'll be here for you.

Look, we'll talk, then you can come and do my tax paperwork, ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Just kidding. I wouldn't wish my paperwork on anyone. LOL!!!

Hugz,
L.

i've never really had a religion that appealed to me... i'm the type that thinks be one with the world and all is well you know... the shaking has stopped... i'm so tired...

I'm no professional on this but sounds like that info sent you into an anxiety attack of sorts. Have you been eating ok? Sleeping alright before this hit?

Need to help you get to a safer point.

Do those cleansing breathe exercises. ok? Howz about some chamomile tea?

L.

my breathing's been ok... had a panick attack a couple of weeks ago after meeting with him... i'm pretty tired... woke up at 4 am took a 2 hour nap it's 9:30pm here now... i tried to eat. i was actually eating when i found out and i got sick when i saw it so i couldn't finish..

I'm being told I should go out and get the divorce right away myself. I'll have to borrow from my dad. I feel bad about asking him for more money after he spent $25,000 on the wedding just over a year ago.

that's what Daddy's are for! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are feeling a very natural reaction to such a horrible revelation! My goodness!

Sweetheart, you are better than this! You are a young, beautiful person who has alot to offer the world...

what do you do for the hotel? I love to travel but can never get away! 3 kids make it a little hard, but that is OK! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Momma's Sad said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hang in there! you will see clearer... one breath, one minute, one hour at a time!

you are young and beautiful, and your WH is a predator... none of this is your fault... itis not worth it!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Couldn't agree more. As the BS, I had most of the same thoughts. Powerful too. Used to own alot of guns due to my occupation. I had a compulsive inclination to put one under my chin, and leave a reminder of my pain on her pillows.

Glad i didn't...

I would have had NO troubles doing exactly what you say you have considered, and it would be the worst mistake of my life. It would be yours too hon...

You didn't create this situation, and in compensation you DESERVE to beat this. Don't let the situation with such a predator defeat you.

I'm not sure how or why, but even when things are at their darkest hope remains. I pray that you find yours.

yup!!

I just got home... my friend took me out for drinks... the line that that student told me just kept revolving in my head. It's making me sick.

A few weeks ago I was at an awards dinner at work for the employee of the year and I had quite a bit to drink. When it was time to leave I just sat in my car waiting to sober up. I called my H during this time as I always used to when I was too drunk to drive (he used to either drive me home or stay with me until I sobered up). I don't drink very much so I get drunk quickly. Anyway, he tells me that if I get in an accident make sure it' a fatal one. He was just kidding I guess but I told him that sure, he would find that much easier on him if that were to happen.

I got a message later on that night appologizing for what he said and he said he really wouldn't like it if I were to die.

Right now I'm pretty much dead inside.

It's funny how I can put on this face when I'm around others like it doesn't bother me but as soon as they leave the tears begin to flow once again.

I really believe you could benefit from some of Dr Phil's advice on what he calls "sick rewards" (yeah yeah - not everyone like's Dr. Phil - but I take good advice where I find it) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


I really got caught up in the fantasy of "I'll show you. I'll kill myself and then you'll see what you are missing."

Only problem is this: Its not a very tenable plan. You do that, and YOU WILL LOSE those nice statements you keep getting.

You know the one's I am talking about. The bits of attention from people telling you - don't do it. You're such a great person.
You have so much to offer. You are so young and pretty.

These can - in and of themselves - become a sick reward system that keeps you trapped in misery. I defined my hapiness out of my wife's love and appreciation for me. When it was gone, I was VOID. Empty. I found that I was the only one who could TRULY be held accountable for my happiness.

I pray that you can identify your sources of "sick rewards" and cut them out of your life so you can enjoy what you are rightfully entitled to.

you know, I would rather not hear those things people say... to tell you the truth I keep most of my feelings to myself because I don't like sympathy...

I couldn't care less what he thought about it all. I know I'm not going to do anything to myself. I just want to stop this "voice" reminding me about it.

I just had to let it out to someone.

Okay so you let it out, now let it go. Someone's always *here* 24/7. What's it going to take do you think, to get you to the point where you can live for YOU again? Any ideas? Do you remember we talked about the "little things" to make your Self feel good? A good book, a small treat? Did you ever get a chance to read The Sweet Potato Queens? Good medicine for a heart broken by a man, really!

The library is open tomorrow right? Why don't you pop by and see if they have it. I'll mail it to you if you want. Baby steps to take care of you, whatever those steps might be for you personally will help you to heal. You've done some of those things already and some big ones too. When people give you props for what you've done it's because you've done them. You went from homeless and almost broke not that long ago to having a home, a good job and heck you are the Employee of the year. New kitty too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Don't make less of the good things in your life.

You can be proud and if H hadn't done his dirty work you would have had a different life but the life you have now is the life you have. It's a pretty good one if you can get past this latest, Ivy. I know you're lonely, that's why the feelings come when the friends are gone but you've always got yourself, and your SELF is worth something. It's worth A LOT. Don't let your H take that away from you, please.

Your H falls into one of the lowest catagories of cheaters and this is NOT a reflection on you in any way shape or form. It was sick Ivy and that young girl doesn't even have the adult protection necessary to stop him. Please follow through with the counseling appoinment, I really think you need the help to free you from this nightmare. Someday you will be free, have no doubt and life will feel good again. Hang in girl, be kind to yourself. {{{{IvoryIvy}}}} KB

Ivy, all along, I've felt that you were holding things back. I'm glad, glad, glad that you aren't inclined to do anything to yourself... that when you have those thoughts you dismiss them.

Your H's attitude and behavior these last months has never squared with somebody who just didn't know what he wanted, or didn't feel "in love" with you. Has it? Remember that vagueness and uncertainty. It means something. Married people don't reach that level of flakiness unless something is going on.

Your H is a criminal. The girl's parents were foolish to let them remain in contact. It's going to be a disaster, and you have to make yourself immune to this disaster.

I'm so glad you exposed everything to them. You have no liability now. You told them everything you knew, and they cannot blame their failure to protect their daughter on anybody but themselves.

Course, now you know more, and again you're in danger. I think you should contact her parents and tell them that you've heard through the grapevine that their daughter and your H are involved and sexually active.

Ivy, keep it together and be the architect of your own life. Don't hitch yourself to his fate any more. If you do, you're like a rag doll tied to the back of a pickup truck.

Thinking about you tonight, Ivy. Be calm. You're safe.

GC

...and amongst good friends.

I had started to think the world was full merely of bad advice from bad people. You know the type, A$$sholes who bought into the sex in the city, and Desperate housewives carp lifestyle. Every BS has seen this "carefree" selfish lifestyle in their WS during their fog. I've been all around the ball, and I've seen VERY few things on this Earth that disgust me more than this attitude.
It hurts most because it comes from those supposedly closest to you.

I felt DESPERATELY lonely. I could have taken many other drastic actions during the affair and the recovery. But even in the BS fog of stupidity, I reminded myself relentlessly to avoid them. THIS IS NOT ME! I recognized that they just appealed so much because I didn't want to be alone in my beliefs. After all, If you cant beat em...

Then a bit of good news. I found this place.

I was NOT alone. I have come to see the forgiveness and patience I feared as "weakness or "desperate personal flaw"" to be my most greatest moments of personal STRENGTH. To be kind to the one I swore to love, despite her apparent disdain and indifference for me.

You are not alone, and many of us stand behind you in every aspect of your quest to make your life "right" again. Remember, You are STRONG, and your strength is what makes you so attractive to those weaker than you.

Ivory,

Please know there is always this board to vent, cry or scream at as needed. Done my share of that. Think many of us have.

If you need to bend an ear, just holler. ok?

Let us know how you are doing.

We love and care for you.

Your Hawaiian sis',
L.

I've felt sick all day. Those words keep going around in my mind. The ones that student told me. What they did and how he plans on marrying her in a few years. How discusting is that?

I think he knows I told her parents now. I don't know what's going on. I'm pretty sure her mom hasn't gotten the second e-mail I sent. The transcript of the conversation. Since I sent it to her work e-mail address late Friday.

I only think he knows because I got to phone calls from him today and he left two messages but I haven't even checked my voice mail because I'm too scared to hear what he says. I just know it's going to be him screaming at me about how I'm just trying to ruin his life and that I'm making things up. For all I know it could have been a regular phone call but it's highly doubtful since he never calls me.

I'm so scared of what will happen next. I half expected to see him waiting for me when I got home. Luckly that wasn't the case. Just thinking that there are two messages on my voicemail from him is making me sick. I just can't bring myself to listen to them or erase them.

It's all making me sick. How could he be so stupid? How did I not recognize how he was years ago? Bleh! It's sickening.

And if he knows, it means either her parents contacted him or she did. I can just imagine how furious he is if that is the case and that frightens me.

I have a friend staying with me tonight just in case. I was so exhausted after yesterday that I slept for hours today which means I'm now wide awake and like I said my mind is fresh but I still feel sick.

{{{{{ivoryivy}}}}

Get your freind to listen to the message and give you the outline, filter the emotion out of it.

Be safe and get some rest.

-rh-

Hi sweetie. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with these things. I really want for you to see a counselor when you can, and I'm glad that your friends are willing to come and stay with you.

I want to know what you're doing with your life these days. Where is it going? You said you called your husband and he talked about fatal accidents -- how about if you not call a man who can joke about that stuff? Would you be willing to not do that? And would you be willing to end the conversations about him, too? It seems to me that it's just hurting you, and I don't like seeing you hurt. The goal of your separation is to protect you from his harmful behaviors. If you put yourself in the way of those behaviors, and add in the things that you're doing that are harmful as well, it gets to being a pretty yucky sort of a situation! (Oh, and I'd suggest not drinking when you're upset. Alcohol is a depressant, and it'll just make everything worse.)

I'd really like you to think about getting back into school and continuing to build a good life for yourself. That might be tough to think about right now, but hey, you did it while you were homeless and starving, so don't tell me you can't! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are so amazingly intelligent and articulate, and you're learning hard lessons right now. Those lessons are going to be important to the work you do later in your life. Somehow, I think that your'e going to be one of those people who makes a difference in other people's lives, and I think that's going to be built on the experiences and pain you're living with now.

So -- how could all this harm be transmuted into good? Not necessarily good for you, but good for other people? What would you say to another 16 year old girl, another 19 year old boy, another set of parents, in a similar situation? How are you going to get to the point of being able to speak to them and have them truly listen to you?

I want to know because there are an awful lot of people out there who need those words... and there nothing better than being able to say "I was there. I know how this feels. I want to help you get your head on straight."

But to do that, we've got to get -your- head on straight!


And on a completely unrelated subject, who're you cheering for in the Superbowl?

I had my friend listen to the messages this morning after he called and left another message. I don't know if my friend relayed the message accurately since they seemed kind of reserved when they said I shouldn't worry and that the messages just said to give him a call. I asked if his voice was angry but they just kind of shrugged.

Just now I got two text messages from him and my friend already left. I'm wondering if I should read it.

As for the superbowl, I'm not into sports. I'll probably just watch the charmed marathon or the puppy bowl on animal planet.

Ooo, go for the charmed marathon! That sounds like a fabulous way to spend time. What's the puppy bowl?