</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have these odd feelings...but I have seen a couple people on MB say similar things lately.
I want OW and WH to fight, I want them to fall, fail, etc. I miss my husband, I pray and hope that we can work on our R one day and have a great marriage. In the event that this is impossible, I really don't want them to work things out. I hope this makes SOME sense...although I can't type it out the way I feel very well.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not to worry. It'll never work out long-term anyway. They have each brought their less-than-adaquate selves into the relationship. It's doomed no matter how you slice it.

But that could take them YEARS to figure out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You can help that along by REMOVING YOURSELF FROM THE CHAOS. You've read it a hundred times, so I won't bore you. You already know why Plan B is necessary.

I think that another thing you can do at this time though is to shoot down his "let's be friends" fantasy once and for all. Who needs friends like that anyhow?

Think for a moment, and imagine that he has, indeed, divorced you and married the OW. It's five years later, and he's still calling you on the phone, telling you about his problems with her, asking for the occasional loan, and just in general trying to wheedle himself back into your life all the time. Let's say, you've met someone else and you're in a steady relationship. The new guy is GREAT, but the constant interference from your ex is getting on his nerves and causing a strain in your new relationship.

Why put up with it to begin with? It's all or nothing. If you're his wife, and he's reconciled with you...of course, you'll be his BEST friend. If you're not going to be his wife, then why put up with his aggravation?

You can still parent your children together in a civil manner, but that doesn't mean that you ever have to be more than merely tolerant of him.

You know, I honestly believe that the main thing that kept my husband from entering into a PA, was the certain knowledge that he would lose me forever. There was never a doubt in his mind. It slowed him down, enough so that we were able to address our problems before it got that far.

My husband KNEW it was all or nothing. I'd never do more than tolerate him for the sake of our children. He'd never receive love or comfort at my hands again.

Things have changed, if I found out now that there had been a PA then, I probably would forgive him. We've put the work in already, and NOW we have something worth saving. Back then...not so much.

My point is, that this "let's be friends" fantasy is still alive and well in your husband's mind. This fantasy is perpetuating his lifestyle...and keeping him from living with the real and absolute consequences of losing you.

Don't enter into a "friendship" scenario which will overburden you later. If he wants you as his friend, he can drag his sorry behind on home and repair his marriage. Otherwise, he can stay out of your business.

Let him know how he can contact you. Let him know what conduct is acceptable in those contacts. I would recommend contact by email, with a subject listed in the subject line at all times. Business only. Personal messages included in the body of the text would be documented as harrassment, and possibly actionable in court at a later date. For my part, I would live within the confines of those rules as well. I would answer his phone calls, and only respond to any requests if the subject was time essential. If not, I would remind him that non-essential phone calls are unwelcome and document them as harrassment. And I would very carefully outline all of that for him in advance.

What do you have to lose that is not already lost? He has the "roadmap home". He knows what he needs to do. The ball is in his court. The problem in many ways is that he is STILL cake-eating. He thinks that you're always going to be waiting for him....and it just doesn't work that way.

Someday, you WILL get tired of waiting. A good effort at Plan B now, will show him what it's going to be like when that happens.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ladyjane14:

Why put up with it to begin with? It's all or nothing. If you're his wife, and he's reconciled with you...of course, you'll be his BEST friend. If you're not going to be his wife, then why put up with his aggravation?

You can still parent your children together in a civil manner, but that doesn't mean that you ever have to be more than merely tolerant of him.

>snip<
My husband KNEW it was all or nothing. I'd never do more than tolerate him for the sake of our children. He'd never receive love or comfort at my hands again.


Don't enter into a "friendship" scenario which will overburden you later. If he wants you as his friend, he can drag his sorry behind on home and repair his marriage. Otherwise, he can stay out of your business.
[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is exactly what I was prepared for when I asked if my husband wanted his marriage or wanted a divorce on our 2nd D-Day. And *HE* knew that his best friend (me and only me) was about to cut his a$$ out of her life. It shook him up so badly he actually went to counseling by himself before I returned home (I was away at college trying to figure stuff out and he kept the kids with him overseas).

Men, in general, do not respond t weak women. They respond to strength and confidence.

You can do this Danielle!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ladyjane14:
<strong> [QUOTE]
Don't enter into a "friendship" scenario which will overburden you later. If he wants you as his friend, he can drag his sorry behind on home and repair his marriage. Otherwise, he can stay out of your business.

Let him know how he can contact you. Let him know what conduct is acceptable in those contacts. I would recommend contact by email, with a subject listed in the subject line at all times. Business only. Personal messages included in the body of the text would be documented as harrassment, and possibly actionable in court at a later date. For my part, I would live within the confines of those rules as well. I would answer his phone calls, and only respond to any requests if the subject was time essential. If not, I would remind him that non-essential phone calls are unwelcome and document them as harrassment. And I would very carefully outline all of that for him in advance.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you for that...Sometimes I need to be reminded of how crazy his 'friends' request is. He IS powerful with words and sucks me into thinking that it is OK. For now I have put all e-mails so that they return to him with a message that they are not being recieved, and I am not answering his calls. He knows what he has to do, and he has no interest in doing it. Therefor, I can NOT have interest in him. I have to do this. I can do it I can do it I can do it!!!
Danielle

I think his participation in these retaliatory charges is contemptible. It takes "friendship" off the table anyway, because he's setting you up to fight. And since it's a legal affair that can affect child-custody and visitation at a later date, I don't see how you can avoid making it a real legal brawl.

Your WH is a melon-head. He has upped the ante without thought to the consequences. Impulse control issues working overtime, I suppose. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Dani,

As right as it is to block his e-mails and calls, I think for now if you can muster up the strength, you should take them. Remember you need proof to establish his pattern. Until all this legal stuff is over, take his contacts. You can limit it to e-mails if needed but take them. Don't respond unless it is for the correct reasons.

He is playing games with you and you are not playing. That w/b his problem. You will respond when a reasonable request is needed.

If this OW is so great, he will find the $$. He will not need you to do it for him.

It is horrible that he wants you to enable his A. He probably is being very confused also.

At this time, you can learn to babble back. Remind him using his own words how he doesn't need you, your family and your resources. Remind him how important it is for him to inflict pain on you and your family and he is stupid for asking you to enable his A.

He doesn't have $$? Where are his 'friends'? Where are those who say he is a great dad, husband and WS? Let them put their money where their mouth is.

You stay clean.

L.