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OK, preface. I looooooove my new husband. I find him amazing and sexy and great. We're adjusting to each other and we had this big radical honesty session the other night and admitted our attractions to other people. He says he fantasizes about the next door neighbor and that they've flirted. I think she would get a thrill from "taking the neighbor's husband". You know, in that, I've got a secret that she doesn't know about way. That bothers me. The making a fool out of another person for your own, um lets say personal fulfillment. Just so you can say you "got" that other person. That wanting other people's property, just because they're taken thing I've never understood. I guess it has to do with self esteem.
Anyway, I told him that having sex with the neighbor doesn't really bother me. In fact, if he really wanted to do it, to go ahead, but he would have to tell her that I know about it and gave him permission to do it. I've never been jealous when it comes to casual sex. I feel like I lose nothing. He loves me, I don't think I will lose his love to someone else as long as I treat him with care and respect. But stopping him from wanting to have sex with other women? I consider that impossible just because of human nature. Besides, I really don't care. I would care if he gave me some disease or got somebody pregnant. I would care more if he was having an emotional affair with no sex. That would really hurt. But one-night-stand-safe sex? Is something wrong with me if I don't mind? I'm actually more attracted to him knowing that other women want him. Is that strange?
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What about the neighbor's marriage??? Do they have children? I guess you don't care about her husband or children either huh? My guess is he might not feel as "giving" or open about this as you do....and the potential to destroy that family for a night of casual sex...is frankly repugnant to me.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bitolder: <strong>Is something wrong with me if I don't mind? I'm actually more attracted to him knowing that other women want him. Is that strange? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your description of your attitude towards marriage will be strange to the population on this forum, yes.
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Well, if you want to have an open marriage why don't you target SINGLE PEOPLE so you don't destroy someone else's marriage?
Hey, if sex is no more valuable to you than an animalistic act [like 2 pigs rutting in a pig pen] and completely detached from the beautiful aspects such as committment, love and respect that is your prerogative, but don't drag others into the pig pen with you. <small>[ February 08, 2005, 07:49 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>
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Ahh Starfish, here you are! Giving me the book, by the book. No, she doesn't have a husband. She has three kids by three different men. He might be open to me doing the same, but I tell ya, after discussing his flirting escapades, I was very intruigued by him and I don't want anybody else. I know you mut think I'm an idiot for feeling that way. I feel so free not to be boxed in by what I'm supposed to feel, I'm so elated that he trusted me enough to reveal that side of him. I'm more in love with him because I get to see ALL of him. Is that concept too off the deep end for MB? Seems to be building my marriage, I'm not repugged and neither is he. The neighbor may be, though. I have to giggle when I think of how she might respond to "my wife gave me permission to do you". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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"I would care if he gave me some disease or got somebody pregnant."
He will, even2ally, "safe sex" or no (there really is no such thing).
If you wanted this kind of lifestyle, why did you get married?
Others have already asked you about the neighbor. What about the family si2ation of these other women?
-ol' 2long
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"Houston, we have a troll..."
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FREAK, MONSTER, WITCH, HERETIC!!!!!! BURN HER!! BANISH HER!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> That's OK, lovedoves. I'm not trying to have an open marriage or pigpen or whatever. In the midst of our intimate open and honest discussion, we were too relieved to put a label on it. Not judging each other was the point. Anyways, I can see that that is not a discussion that I can have in this forum. I'll stick to the topics that are safe for you all.
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WHAT?????? There is seriously something wrong with people today!!!!!!!! Are you for real???? Ok, so say your husband takes you up on this offer? He could easily fall in love with her....she could even be his soulmate......you could be left alone without a husband....sound so innocent now?????
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<small>[ February 08, 2005, 08:09 AM: Message edited by: TreeReich* ]</small>
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~~~trolling, trolling, trolling~~~~~ keep them doggies trolling~~~~~~ RAWHIIIIIIIIIDE!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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Hi bitolder,
Yes, there are folks who have had open marriages even on MB. I have a good suggestion for you if you'd like to talk to someone with experience in that regard. Post to Lucks on the EN board. You might get a little beat up on the Infidelity board....for good cause. Many many of these folks are in deep and ongoing pain....so your view of extra-marital sex may be painful for them to listen to. I'm sure you're not trying to be insensitive...and perhaps you don't realize what a trigger this might be for some here...but if you email me...I have some other suggestions for you too. I don't sanction this lifestyle for me...nor would I encourage it for others...it is fraught with so much instability and volatility that I truly worry....but it is not my moral duty to define marriage for everyone else. Still....I'd like you to get VERY informed before making this choice...because I know how dangerous it can be. Very slippery slope.
starfish4729@gmail.com
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OOOOOOH, I was really off in left field when I thought that I could discuss this openly here. I am most definately not a troll. My hair is kind of wild, though. If the neighbor is his soul mate, then that means that I am not his soul mate. Nothing I can do about that. Don't own him, just married him. You all know better than I that there is nothing anyone can do to stop their mate from having sex with someone else or leaving them if that is what he really wants. All I'm saying is that between me and him, I feel secure in his love and I know he will feel the desire to have sex with someone else from time to time and it doesn't bother me. I'd prefer to know than be lied to. Just chalk it up to my not having (or needing)the "complete ownership of his member" gene.
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bitolder,
Again, this board...the Infidelity board...is an insenstive place to discuss this topic because so many people here are hurting and feeling betrayed. If you continue to post here....rather than a place more suitable....most folks will think you are a troll....and you will be troll because that's how trolls post.
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OK, Bitolder..
I'll bite. You get a little charge out of the idea of allowing him sex with other women.
So..that, while immoral in my opinion, is between the two of you.
What about the women that he does not have your permission, consent, or enthusiasm to engage in sex with...what happens when that woman who CAN replace you in his heart and mind..that woman who is smarter..younger..prettier..a better lay..or just new takes your place?
Will you be second or third or less to him?
Will you still feel that burning love and slightly above it all derision for those who won't share?
Do you really believe, knowing as you do that human nature urges us AWAY from lifelong pairing, do you really belive that you will not be cast off?
I think you greatly overestimate your power and ability to control this dynamic once it is set in motion.
I question why you would bother to get married if a lifelong series of sex partners is what you desire out of life.
Why do I get the feeling instead that your insecurity is driving you to attempt a controlled burn..to attempt to contain what you fear is developing.
What is really going on?
Noodle
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I understand that you don't control him. No one controls anyone but themselves. I just don't think you should be so relaxed about this issue. I can understand people having fantasies but be careful. He may take you up on it and then you will be in for a lot of hurt and pain.
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Continuing noodle's thought, I suspect that you could be compensating for your insecurity and lack of self esteem, recognizing that you, being 35, and your husband, being 23 (assuming these ages are correct) puts you in the untenable position of fearing you cannot keep him in a "normal" relationship. You're already afraid of losing him to a younger woman and feel that your next best posture is sharing him rather than losing him altogether.
Am I right?
WAT
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I'm not afraid of losing him.
I don't control him.
I don't control anybody.
I just really don't think that he would leave me over sex, or youth or beauty or any of those things. I don't think that anyone who truly loves another person leaves them for those reasons. It's always something else, isn't it? Not meeting the ENs, right? And if he falls in love with someone else, there was never anything I could have done, other than meet his needs, to prevent that. Loss happens. I trust it won't but I don't have a crystal ball.
Geez with the labels and moral judgements. OK, when you put aside moral judgements and labels and ownership rights, what are we left with? Feelings. How I truly feel and how he truly feels. When I look into my heart, I dont get hurt or angry hearing about him and the neighbor. I gotta go, I'll pick this up later. If I don't respond till tonight, It's not because I'm a troll or I ran away from the discussion, OK? Got a meeting to attend.
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Bitolder,
Only people who believe in a liberal lifestyle and don’t attaché high value to moral values etc, will find you and your H’s behavior and attitude towards this very normal and “the norm†in the “modern†world today. But I’m afraid most of the people posting on these boards don’t fall in this category and will view you attitude towards this as strange and very wrong… Personally I also view this as strange, wrong and not normal at all… IMO God created marriage as a sacred union between two people and sex is suppose to be a physical, emotional and spiritual experience between two people who are joined in this holly communion (marriage). Even if your H have sex with his neighbor with your full consent and permission, it is still adultery and very damaging towards all parties involved. You and your H are playing with fire... I can just hope and pray both of you will come to your senses.
Suzet
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So you don't think you could lose him to youth, sex, or beauty? Is this another way of saying that you can afford him. I remember back in my heathenistic youth I was a kept man for awhile by an "older" woman but I didn't have to marry her.
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