I'm sorry. I'm so busy today.

Trust your gut, though. I think they are up to something....

What helped me ws to stop the snooping and getting so involved in the thick of the chaos.

Is there a way to save all these transactions? To have a history of idle times, away times, etc.? To put this history away and not to read it? You can review it later during Plan B, or when you are ready to move to Plan B, or during recovery?

Right now the constant attention to THEIR activities is taking you away from YOU. I know, you want to protect yourself, so keeping track, spending a reasonable amount of time doing that...putting it away and out of your mind is ESSENTIAL to thinking clearly...

Where I was able to move to, and was SOooooo helpful in my Plan A (and eventual Plan B) was to just ASSUME in my mind that the A was ongoing, that contact had resumed, however limited, based on FWH's sneakiness, anger, guilt, etc. I didn't need to snoop any longer, I KNEW it was happening.
I told him,

ME: The burden of proving the A is not continuing is upon YOU. I will assume contact is ongoing until you can prove, daily/constantly, and go to extreme measures to prove the A is NOT continuing.

HIM: How do you want me to do that?

ME: That is up to you.

HIM: But it's not going on still, why can't you beleive m........

ME: (Walking out of room, discussion is over, no argument or defense against what I beleive. If he followed me to continue trying to convince me I would have started again with my first statement, and said it over and over again...without feeling.) If need be I could explain (as I did a year into recovery) that part of showing me how much he loved me was to protect me from hurt. Part of protecting me from hurt was to convince me with proof the A and contact was OVER, because right now the situation is very hurtful and I don't feel protected from hurt.

The reason I write this to you now is everytime you see more proof of contact it is depleting your love bank. The proof may be important later to confront him if he tries to convince you recovery needs to start because X, Y, Z has happened, but constant vigilance at this time is bad for you....and hurtful. Time to protect that love you have left...

So what I didn't write above (insert this in my post above everything else...)

Contact=Affair continuing

They are still continuing their A.

You know it, OW knows it, and WH knows it. What more proof do you need?

Thanks. There is no way for me to catalog their activities unless I am watching it, the away posts and idle times come and go I can't run a daily report or anything like that.

It's easy with the cell phone, that's in my name and I have on-line access.....he's hip to that anyway, because that activity doesn't exist anymore. WH has a Blackberry thru his office, they could easily be using that.

I know, and I do assume that the EA is still going on, the PA only lasted about 2 months......sounds backwards to me. It's just so hard to see why it continues. WH is acting a complete 180 of who he was before A, it's so hard to wrap my brain around it. I guess the biggest problem is that I want to believe him.

In any case, my copy of SAA arrived today. Hopefully, tonight I can relax in the tub and do some real reading.

How do some BS do this for years? I love my H and want to save our M, but I am so lonely and hurt, I want to feel good too.

-Christine

Mimi,

WH has this posted as his "away" message (when he clearly isn't away from his desk:

The trick is to see the light when things are darkest. If you can do that there is still hope

Keep looking for my post to you as soon as I can.

Your assignment is to read SAA with your highlighter and underliner.

Mimi,

I will read it and unline it and highlight it. Now that I'm on-line at home again, I will be on all thoughout the weekend.

I "called" him on the lunch thing, and he replied like I thought he would (a guy in the office), but then he added that I will never trust him and that would be an issue. I knew enough to answer back with rebuilding trust will take time and effort, which he's admitted to not being able to give me yet.

I hope SAA has some very useful stuff!!

Talk later

-Christine

WH went to happy hour, again, last night.....I assume he made it back to his place alright. Cell records indicate he texted a whole bunch last night!!!

I've been crying so much, my face looks like I have some exotic disease.

Separated Plan A is so hard, I am still not ready for Plan B. I hate OW

Mimi,

You picked up on my reverse babble thread, but this one has been going longer. I like this one 'cause I can re-read specifics.

Weekend was a hodge-podge of ups and downs. I went out Sat. night with 2 SILs, we had a good time. I'm still tracking WH & OW activity, but somehow I'm able to emotionaly detach from it. I know it won't end until it dies, but I just can't believe it continues despite all the crap. She surely has a strong hold over my H.

I feel really aweful tonight (physically), think I may be hugging the toilet soon.

We can talk more later.

-Christine

I'll meet you back over here tomorrow.

Remember to try to find WAT's GUIDELINES...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MommyCBaby:
<strong> I'm still tracking WH & OW activity, but somehow I'm able to emotionaly detach from it. I know it won't end until it dies, but I just can't believe it continues despite all the crap. She surely has a strong hold over my H.

I feel really aweful tonight (physically), think I may be hugging the toilet soon.

We can talk more later.

-Christine </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CHristine:

I am really sorry for your pain. I know this really sucks for you. My sincere best whishes and prayers are with you. Can I ask you a question though? Why do you say that "she (Other woman) has a strong hold over my husband". I am just curious to hear your thoughts on this.

Please take care of yourself and please be assured that it is with NEAR 100% CERTAINTY that your WH affair will end. They always eventually crash and burn.

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good Morning, Christine:

IMO, the most important thing for you to understand at this point is that he is ADDICTED to the nanny. Yes, he is under her spell. She is like a drug dealer and she is continuing her supply each day in the office.

He will be an ALIEN until he has absolutely no contact with her. Therefore, there is no use in trying to use logic and reasoning with him. Like I told you before, my FWH told me that none of the MB PRINCIPALS APPLIED TO HIM!! I believe he would have been crazy enough to say that he wasn't having an A. It's all scripted. He said almost all the things that your H is saying verbatim. He said that he never loved me, that it's all over, etc. Now, he wants to eat those words! He can't believe he said those things. Why? Because he is no longer in the fog or whatever you want to call it. He is no longer addcited to her.

It's important to understand the addiction.

It's important not to listen to him.

It's important to focus on yourself and what you need to do.

It's not necessarily about SF although I don't quite buy that there is no PA going on between them. In the car, during lunch, at a park? I think she offers ADMIRATION. Pretty young things are excellent at that!

It seems to me that she is playing hard to get. She wants your WH to make a commitment to her. She wants to get married. She is saying that her soldier offers this and he will not. I think she is playing a game because in her poem she focuses on the fact that the soldier is her "fiance". She also focuses on him going to war, trying to play him up in some way as better than your WH. She does not really seem to be "in love" with the soldier. Why is she talking about him being at war and he is still in training? BTW, unfortunately, he will probably leave training and go straight to war. That is what is happening with my sons' buddies who are in basic training.

He wants to play with her. He does not want to make a commitment to her. Eventually, he needs to learn that he cannot have his enjoyment at the expense of you and his children. Get it?

Check out my post to DYING HERE.

You see where I am going with this. What frightens you about PLAN B? Let's begin to talk about that.

What's up? Are you sick? I hope you are OK.

Mimi,

Yes, I am sick today and didn't go to work.

Plan B doesn't feel right to me just yet, I want to stick with Plan A a bit longer. Since OW's fiancee is out of sight and WH lives elsewhere, they should have plenty of time to be together. I still am fairly certain there is no PA. Even if there is, this would be the time for their R to fail and die it's natural death and rather than me having NC with WH I prefer to remain the lighthouse and be viewed lovingly.

I know I cannot carry this on forever, at some point I may have to resort to Plan B. Hopeful that Plan A gets the job done. I will know when I've had enough.

This weekend we had the R talk, kinda, as you read on the reverse babble thread. He spent a few hours home on Sunday, he hand washed my car and got his own laundry done. He was somewhat playful with me. So I feel that mentally he's toggling between me and OW. That's part of the reason I'm not quite at Plan B too. Maybe I'm being unrealistic. My MIL feels Plan B may be needed to truly open his eyes to reality. But with our bills and kids, I would need to get a lawyer or something and have his name removed from our bank account and have alimony and child support from him. Right now I see that as hostile and a LB. No?

I'll be on for a while....

What WAT thread do you want me to read?

-Christine

Lemonman,

I said OW has a strong hold over my H for the following reasons:

1) prior to the A, his attitude on lies and deceit were strong. He has stopped talking with family matters over less things than how OW has repeatedly lied and fooled him (when her BF exposed to us, WH admitted that his gut had told him for a while that he couldn't trust her)

2) WH has a strong bond with our children (he has 2 others from prior R's, that he's not nearly as "attached" to). Although it's textbook WS behavior, it's so out of his nature to abandon his family

3) OW is 19, WH is almost 38....he has told me on several occassions that he knows there's no future for them, but he persists anyway

4) OW became engaged to her BF the other weekend and still they continue the A (in our case, WH has not re-committed to me or our M he tells me that he just doesn't know where this separation is leading, but OW has reaffirmed her committment by accepting the propsal and ring)

I seriously wonder what the heck she can be telling him that makes him continue.

-Christine

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> seriously wonder what the heck she can be telling him that makes him continue.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you read my post to you this morning?

Do you really not understand the hold she has over him?

It's an addiction, Christine! Try to read and understand that section in SAA.

Admiration that a 19 year old can give to your H.

I think he's beginning to get up on the fence.

I hope you are feeling better.

I will try to find WAT's guidelines for you.

Mimi,

I did read your post from this morning. I am not in the fog and therefor have logic on my side, it's just so hard to fathom what this has done to him. He was the man I trusted and respected the most, I don't even know him anymore.

Do you honestly feel I should impliment Plan B at this point?

-Christine

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He was the man I trusted and respected the most, I don't even know him anymore.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the exact same thing all of us have said about a spouse who is addicted to the OP. The exact same words came out of my mouth a zillion times, Christine. Your situation is no different than most of the others here.

No, I don't think it's time for PLAN B. However, IMO, it's a good idea to get yourself ready for this.

I think THE NANNY is working her own PLAN. You need to have A PLAN, too. As long as he gets a taste of her drug everyday, he will remain hooked. At some point, unless she leaves or he leaves, you might need to take that next step.

You see what I mean?

Mimi,

As much as I am not pleased with the decision, I think I should move into Plan B...MIL is a big supporter of the idea as well. Although my proof is not concrete, I know the contact is going on in full force (cell bill I view on-line gives me increases in cell time and texts sent, but I can not confirm 100% it's to/from OW....but I know it is).

I will start working on my letter and post it for your review. After that, I guess I just need to give it to him.

BTW - today he IMed me to see if I was feeling better, but he said his head is out of control & he doesn't know what's going to happen to his life right now, and he still doesn't know where things are going.

-Christine

Mimi,

Here it is, pick it apart!!!

WH,

I wish that I did not have to write this letter, but at this time it is the only way for me to protect my love towards you in the hopes that we will have a future together. Please give me the respect of reading it carefully.

We have been together for almost 10 years, and in all that time have grown our love into a deep and meaningful relationship; one that has spawned beautiful children and a wonderful life together. These past few months have been an eye-opening experience for me. I have been forced to look at the harsh realities of my contributions to the current state of our marriage. I have not judged you nor have I placed any demands on your actions or activities. All that I have done has been out of respect for your feelings and what you need.

By moving in with (friend), you were giving yourself time and space without contact from either OW or me. However, your contact with her continues despite her recent affirmed commitment to BF. You have not given me any reassurances for our future and just can’t see why you still accept her after being newly engaged. If she is still so confused then why did she accept his ring? At this point, I fear for your safety because now the situation is reversed and you have no idea what she is telling BF in order to protect herself from exposure.

If you should decide to come home and salvage our marriage I would require that there be a strict no contact policy with OW, this includes working with her. I have to move forward with my life and can no longer live within this triangle.

We can leave the finances in place as they are, bearing in mind, that should they start to deteriorate due to drinking or other extramarital expenses I will have to make severe changes. Our family, including your mother, lives in that house and can not afford to be blindsided by default bills.

Any communication about household matters or the boys can be directed through your mother. I will make arrangements to be absent from the house when you see the kids.

I became comfortable in the security of our marriage and in the security you provided me. I was naïve and began to lose sight of the care our marriage, and you, deserved and needed. Please understand, that this is in no way meant to hurt you but rather protect our chances for future happiness. You are a wonderful man and you deserve a woman who is strong and self-respecting. I feel I need to protect those qualities about myself because that is the woman you really married.

I love you more than I could ever put into words. You know my feelings are true and you know that you feel as deeply for me. I honestly believe that once the contact with OW is gone, the love you thought you lost for me will naturally return.

All my love always
Christine