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<small>[ March 15, 2005, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: MommyCBaby ]</small>
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<small>[ March 15, 2005, 01:24 PM: Message edited by: MommyCBaby ]</small>
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Why don't you start a new thread or change the name of this one, asking the question: Help: Time for Plan B?
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<small>[ March 15, 2005, 01:04 PM: Message edited by: MommyCBaby ]</small>
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Mimi,
OW has changed her profile from the poem about her soldier to this:
I had all but given up
On finding the one that I could fall into
On the day before you
I was ready to settle for
Less than love and not much more
There was no such thing as a dream come true
Oh, but that was on the day before you
Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you
I think I must Plan B!!!
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I haven't had chance to read your letter. It may be tomorrow. I scanned over her poem, though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> My post to DYING HERE yesterday seems to apply to you now. Your PLAN A has been effective. He's being enabled now, able to fall more deeply into what he "thinks" is "in love" with her. Also, if you keep this up, you will want to hurt her. YUK! Part of PLAN B is being prepared. What will you do about visits with the children? Have you taken care of your separate checking account, etc. His A with THE NANNY has a slim chance of lasting. However, it may take time. You will need to prepare to GO DARK as Mortarman says. Hang in there. I really feel for you. I've been there, Christine. <small>[ March 15, 2005, 03:42 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>
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Mimi,
I re-read your post to Dying here, I see what you're getting at. The way things feel now, I don't get the sense that he'll care about Plan B. Our finances are not separated, I am not sure how to handle the kids...they will be devastated without seeing their dad, but I guess it's inevitable. I hate to see them suffer if there's the possibility that they don't need to. I know it boils down to being WH's fault, but I'm their mother and want to protect them as much as possible.
Why am I soooo weak??
-Christine
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Christine:
How are you today? You have been on my mind.
Whew! Lots of questions in your last post.
I think you need to calm down and regroup. Take some time to think about where you are and what you need to do.
A PLAN for now is what you need. I don't think it's helpful to be impulsive without preparation and thought about your next step.
It does seem that PLAN B needs to occur soon. However, do you need to further perfect your PLAN A? Do you need to have that one last night or that one last dinner or that one last talk? I think you want to go out with A BANG, to leave him that one last special memory of YOU.
The boys certainly can continue to visit with their Dad during PLAN B. What's important is for you not to be there. You need to be able to not talk to him or to see him until he meets your PLAN B conditions. You want to think about whether you want him to take them or whether you are going to allow him to visit him at the house. You are going to want to think about when the visits will occur. You see, you are wanting to plan this out.
About the finances. I would go ahead and separate them out. This is for your protection. Also, he needs to understand that you are serious about this. You need to be ready to move on with your life if he continues with the OW. Also, you need to protect yourself because he will be spending money on her. She will have access to his mind and therefore his wallet. She is a 19yo bimbo. She wants the BLING, BLING!!
You have got to get this, Christine. Listen to what I am about to say. As scary as PLAN B seems to you and as awful as PLAN B is, it is better than the position that you are in now! You no longer have your H. He is gone. It is as if he is dead. Do you want him back? Do you want him to return from the dead? PLAN B IS THE ONLY CHANCE YOU HAVE FOR THIS NOW. I had to convince myself of that. I believe this is true because I think if you continue as it is now- HE WILL FALL MORE DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH HER. That is because he is feeling no pain about what he is doing. They are living in a romantic fantasy world that includes poetry, stolen moments with each other, etc.
THE AIM OF PLAN B IS TO BOMB THEIR FANTASY WORLD! Let her try to meet his ENs 24/7! She will fail. I would almost have been tempted to make him visit with the kids elsewhere other than the house so that he can't even get the HOME FIX. The danger is that the boys might end up spending time with her.
Let's think this through....
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Mimi,
So much to think about, my head is spinning. OK, one step at a time.........
If I separate out the bills (all but 2 new low-limit credit cards...he got them to spend on her), they are all in my name because WH's credit score is very weak . He may make the big bucks, but has no credit. That being the case, I would need to have money taken right out of his check. WH makes a very nice living but we have the debt to consume most of it. I can not trust him paying bills attached to my credit rating.
His new living arangements have a dog (pit bull, I think) there, and my younger sons are scared to death of any dog. If I continue to allow him to come over to the house, I would have to leave all the time....I need to eat dinner too!
I don't know if "one last bang" would apply. When he comes over now he is indifferent towards me. He has never accepted any invitations for a private dinner or movie or anything. I've just been trying to give consistant Plan A.
Keeping up with Plan A won't allow the A to die? You feel certain their "love" will grow stronger?
I still have no exposed to OW's mother....maybe I should find a way to do that. Isn't that an LB?
Lost and struggling
-Christine
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keeping up with Plan A won't allow the A to die? You feel certain their "love" will grow stronger?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it's certain that the A will die! However, it does not look like PLAN A will do it. From what you have indicated, it seems that HER PLAN is working. She's played hard to get, pretending on planning marriage to the soldier, writing love poems, etc. Plus, you say he's started to distance himself from you. He needs to begin to miss you.
Part of PLAN A is EXPOSURE. It is not a LB. It is the truth. I would definitely outright tell the M that her daughter had/is having an A with your H. It seems like you have told everyone else that needs to know.
Can't you cancel the credit cards? I would do that for sure since they are in your name. Then, get a separation agreement with enough spousal support and child support to pay the bills.
Part of the consequences of his decision to move out and/or to have an A is not being able to see his children daily. It sounds cold but HE NEEDS TO FEEL THE PAIN!! I would work out a reasonable visitation schedule. The days that he is at your house you will need to eat out or better yet he needs to put the pit bull away when his children visit him.
I do think that you need to make decisions about these things. The decision-making process made me feel better because I felt like I was accomplishing something. I did not feel as happy. There's no rush really. You are working on YOUR PLAN. Time is on your side.
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Wow!
Went to print it at work......278 pages!! I'll just read it on-line!!
Thank you
-Christine
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I am going to tell you that if I were you and my husband was toying with the immature fatuations of a nineteen year old girl... I would plan B his butt so fast he wouldn't know what hit him... I wouldnt hesitate for a moment to let a nineteen year old girl even try to meet a 1/2 percent of the needs that you his wife...partner...and coparent can meet.... It is my opinion that these types of affair actually fringe on abuse...this girl no matter the youth does not possess the life learning skills to compete with older people who have more experiences under their belts.. and he toying with her is wrong... and skews her ability to make to healthy decisions... while she is no victim in this...she also is still a child.... plan B him..... also you should absolutely expose to her mother.... let the light shine on his little fantasy world... that's what true love is all about .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> and set yourself free from his pain and chaos ARK
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ARK:
You are absolutely right. However, her youth makes him much more addicted to her. Well, he's not really addicted to HER, per se. She is a non-person. He is addicted to what she offers in terms of ADMIRATION, RECAPTURING HIS YOUTH, etc.
Having been in Christine's position (I know you're listening Christine), I think it makes it so hard to PLAN B because it's so unbelievable that your previously sane H can come under such a spell.
Somehow, someway I hope you can go ahead and make yourself do what you need to do Christine.
I'm beginning to think that we, the BSes, get caught in their addiction, the addiction of the WH and OW.
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mimi...the addiction is the addiciton..
let him fence sit and cake eat and neither have to focus on the reality of a child not even being close to being able meet the real needs of a relationship...........
the fantasy may be strong..
so hit him with the reality...
what is daddy-man gonna hang with nineteen year olds friends on a friday night....those girls are gonna giggle their butts off....
and how many grown men like to take nineteen year old child home to meet dad...
and face her mother...
and is there a fiancee...
oh lordy....
let fantasy meet reality in this case that's what I say...
ARK
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I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling anymore. I'm on another low cycle, can't stop crying. Everything I see and do is a reminder of what I had and what I've lost. Probably blame it on the hormones and the fact that Aunt Flow is visiting me again this month <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I know it continues, but I just can't track it anymore, it drives me insane. I'm starting off with my own version of Plan B until I can get my ducks in a row and figure out the kids and finances. This morning he sent me an e-mail saying he won't be by for dinner, he'll come by Friday night to see the boys and he would like to have them Sunday as well. He adds that it's so painful to see me, as he's caused enough hurt "to last a lifetime". He said that although I have given him plenty of time, he still needs more...if I chose to move on he'll understand. But then he has the gaull to add " I need to get whatever it is out of my system. ". I know, typical stuff right? In any case, I did not reply and don't plan on it. When he's at the house I will go about my business, but I will not contact him at all, and if he contacts me he will have to wait for an answer (if there even is one). I think part of why it's so easy for him is because I am always ready, willing and able to be there for him. NO MORE.
I will let this lead into a full-blown Plan B after I get it all worked out.
Thanks Mimi and Ark!!!
"Throwing away a marriage because the in love feeling is gone, is like selling your car because it ran out of gas!!"
-Christine
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I agree with the need for PLAN B, ARK! During my PLAN B, FWH soon learned that his "YOUNG THING" wanted him to hang out with her friends. He tells a funny story of being captured in her house with them. He hid out in the back room. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Are you listening, Christine? I know you are scared about this.....
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mommycy... Everything I see and do is a reminder of what I had and what I've lost this affair is pathetic.. PAThETIC!!! and it's not about what you are losing or have lost...THIS is ALL ALL ABOUT what he stands to lose... look at this typical behavior..out of the house and at night... QUIT waiting for him to decide a thing QUIT waiting for him to work on things.... QUIT being afraid of something you can't control and get in control of what you can.... few days in to plan B and K's and confused WS are waffling like balloons in the wind.... WHY?? Mostly because they have NO access...(or should have no access <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) to their wives who up through this whole whole thing..they knew EXACTLY where and what their spouses were doing...and it ALL played in to their ability to have an affair... they kept that control... no more no longer... he'll come by Friday night to see the boys THE SECOND he walks in the door you give him a big big smile and say .. whooo glad you are here...gotta run.... looking great smelling better and go... and I don't care if you have to go hide in a bookstore and drink over priced coffee...do it... but be gone... and sunday the same...then when he brings the boys back..... PLAN B LETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nineteen years old <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> he's confusing important informative years of a very young woman...her whole vision of real marriage is being damaged by this so called GROWNUPS non establishment of boundaries... nineteen year olds probably have crushes all the time on grown ups....but grownups easily reconize that...shame on him.... repost your plan b letter on a new topic for feedback.. quit crying over what you have lost...and focus on the REALITY of what he stands to lose... ARK
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I agree with ARK'S PLAN. You have all weekend to work on this!
He's saying that he wants you to give him permission to go out and play. He want you there waiting while he does so.
He needs to get the message it that this will not be acceptable or tolerated by you.
The only thing that I slightly disagree with is the innocence of THE NANNY. It's an MTV SOCIETY!!
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MTV society or not...
she does not have the life skills and experiences to fully understand the fire she is playing with...the long term damage she is doing to herself ....
I am not saying she doesn't know better...
she does...
and if we use the MTV environment...then it's even more understandable why she acts as she does....
But HE"S the obvious grownup...and should protect young women no prey on them...
ARK
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