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Mimi,

It's so hard to discount some of what he says. He seems so sincere when he describes the loss of the "special" feeling for me. He's asked me a million times "Would you really want me to stay if I don't love you?". How could I answer YES to that. I keep telling myself that he only feels this way because of OW, but what if the feelings never do return?

I was so weak!! Even though there was no Plan B letter given, I had almost zero contact with him for about 4-5 days, he did come by to see the boys, but I paid him no extra attention other than to discuss bills. So, maybe his e-mail yesterday was just his way of controlling my emotions into talking and "sharing" my life with him again. I should not have replied to the letter at all and just left him thinking.

I will keep you updated with his words and actions. I will continue to find my strength and self-respect.

-Christine

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Christine:

You are not getting this. Please try to listen to me. I would not try to lead you astray. My H told me the exact same things that your WH is saying.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's so hard to discount some of what he says </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please answer this question for me. I want to understand this. Why is it hard to discount him? Why? You don't believe that he is in the fog? You don't believe that he would lie to you? He is a human being. He can be deceitful. He can be foolhardy. He can be mistaken. He can lie to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what if the feelings never do return?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what I am afraid of. If you allow him to keep this up, his feelings for you may not return. You have got to help him. You have got to be the sane one here. He is temporarily insane and trying to get you to buy into his delusional system.

My H who is in love with me now told me this same crap. Your WH is no different. He told me "face it, it is over"; "I don't think I ever loved you"; She is my soulmate"..... All the same old bull. I told him that he would fall in love with me again just like he has done. When I would tell him that, he would look at me like I was crazy, saying in his eyes, "You are kidding, that will never happen".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I should not have replied to the letter at all and just left him thinking.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How did you reply to the letter, Christine?

Didn't the lack of contact over 4 to 5 days show you how PLAN B would be effective?

You are like me and your WH knows it. I am "too nice". He can count on that. I believe that he is counting on you sitting there waiting until he is finished playing. The problem is, the longer he plays, the more he will become addicted and the harder it will be for him to break loose.

Work on not being ruled by your feelings. THINK about what I am telling you. I repeat, you have to be the sane one here, not ruled by feelings and irrationality.

If you can't do PLAN B yet, go back to PLAN A. There is no in between.

<small>[ March 22, 2005, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

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Mimi,

Here was my reply to his e-mail yesterday:

I've been at a loss for how to reply to you, even thought about not answering at all.

This is how you treat a best friend? You have left me and the boys and you act like it's just another day. I am only "shut out" because that is what you wanted from me. How can I call you just to talk? It's a contradiction of what you asked of me.

Can you not see the caution in using your information for financial reasons? Your mom and I have no security for the future right now. You act like we're working together as a happily married couple. It seems to me that you just want my credit to make things easier for you.

I know this all sounds bitter, but I have been so understanding of the situation, I can not allow my love for you to blind me into being taken advantage of. I still love you dearly, but I need to preserve my self-respect.


And then his counter-reply:

OK then. Not sure how tapping into the money in the house is taking advantage of you but if you feel that way f*** it. I just wanted to clear up the credit card bills and let you guys get some stuff done around the house. Its not like I put any money into paying for the g**d*** thing so why should I get anything out of it. If this thing ends in divorce then I guess we will clear them up then.

You told me you wanted to give me my space to do whatever it was I felt I had to do and I know that you are bitter about it. That's fine. Just trying to offer an ear, but you don't have to take it. I wont offer again and if we keep going down this road we will take whatever steps need to be taken so that you can move on and be done with me. Not trying to give you hope just trying to get along.

As for the boys I do the best that I can. If you want me to spend the night with them and you go away work it out and let me know. Anyway no more out of me and there is no need to respond. I was going to stop by tonight but I will save that for tomorrow. If you can please deposit your check tonight.

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I liked what you said in your E-Mail.

What do you think about his E-Mail?

You go first.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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I liked my reply, too.....borrowed some of your words <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

His response was pissed-off!! I think I hit a few nerves.

But, this is where I caved.......here's my reply to him after the angry e-mail <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Please don't get angry with me. We don't really talk anymore, so I am not sure what your motives are. It has been hard for me not to talk with you. I feel like a crack-addict. I can't tell you how many e-mails/texts/IM's I have started that just need to be sent, but I always talk myself out of it. I have to call people just so I can distract myself long enough to get over the urge. I still sleep with my cell phone clutched in my hand, just in case you try to reach me in the middle of the night.

I don't want you out of my life. I gave you what you asked by not calling or contacting you, but then you say that I can. I have not discussed "us" or your feelings in a long time, I am more than capable of still talking with you minus that topic. I thought the total lack of my contact was what you wanted from me.

Boo, I am trying everything I know in order to be supportive and patient. Before you fly off the handle at me, take one step back and try to see through my eyes.

Don't not come over to see the boys because of this, they are innocent and don't understand.

I love you, knuckle-head!


Then we IMed and made jokes. He did not come over last night, but he sent me an e-mail joke this morning, and we IMed during lunch break.


I know....I had him where I wanted him and caved in.....

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Seriously, Mommy..

I believe you are being emotionally abused.

He slapped you and then you loved up to him.

Do you really want to hear what I have to say?

Let me know. I've got some work to do. I'll be back in awhile.

I'm worried about you. You've got to really do some changing in your thinking if you want to recover your marriage.

I hate to see him emotionally abuse you in this way.

Really...... I'm worried!!

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I think my MIL agrees with you. She was highly disappointed in me last night. I went all those days and the first round of an e-mail assault just to cave in and beg for his approval.

HOW DO I STOP IT?

I really don't want to be like this.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

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I will try to help you with this, Christine. Keep looking for my post later.

I feel for you. You can't let him treat you this way. It is wrong!!!

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Christine:

Why is it OK for him to respond to your E-Mail by cursing at you? That is verbally abusive especially since you did not come at him in that tone. I found him to be really offensive. You do not deserve to have anyone speaking to you in that fashion especially not your H.

Your WH said this:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Just trying to offer an ear, but you don't have to take it. I wont offer again and if we keep going down this road we will take whatever steps need to be taken so that you can move on and be done with me. Not trying to give you hope just trying to get along.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First of all, he is "offering you an ear". WHOOPDEE DOO! What is that? That is another crumb. Then, HE TRIES TO THREATEN YOU ABOUT THIS! That he won't offer it again. He hasn't offered anything! The rest of his sentences in the above quote make absolutely no sense. INSANE! He says WE will take WHATEVER STEPS need to be taken so YOU can be done.
HE IS THE ONE THAT WANTS TO BE DONE WITH YOU! He is twisting this all around on you. Then after that, he says he doesn't want to give you any hope. What has he said that would give you any hope?

He goes on to say:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As for the boys I do the best that I can </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is this supposed to excuse him abandoning them?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please don't get angry with me. We don't really talk anymore, so I am not sure what your motives are. It has been hard for me not to talk with you. I feel like a crack-addict. I can't tell you how many e-mails/texts/IM's I have started that just need to be sent, but I always talk myself out of it. I have to call people just so I can distract myself long enough to get over the urge. I still sleep with my cell phone clutched in my hand, just in case you try to reach me in the middle of the night.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know this is exactly how you feel and is exactly what you are doing. I did it myself. However, right now, I'm sorry, he does not care. Sharing this with him will not raise his concern for you. From this point onwards, if you want to recover your marriage, listen to me:

NO MORE BEGGING AND PLEADING!!

It is a turnoff to him. I don't know why this is so. I just absolutely know it. He has turned a brick wall to your feelings. All this does is to let him know that he can continue to cake-eat and he will!

I'm willing to bet you that he used this as an excuse to call her or to see her last night. That's all he wants right now is her as a drug.


Do understand me? I've got to go. I will be looking to hear from you later.

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Christine,

Don't you go into hiding again. I'm here for you!

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Mimi,

I won't hide. I'm working on a new Plan B letter tonight. Still don't think the lawyer-thing just yet, but will monitor the money closely so I am not blind-sided.

I will post new letter hopefully in the morning.

Sidenote: WH was here for about 1 1/2hr or so, played with boys and hung out. He didn't sit down and eat with us because it's his gym night (he doesn't eat before working out), so he took a plate with him. We didn't really talk or ignore each other. My office has open-enrollment for AFLAC (in the past we were going to join up but missed the boat), we went over the options and plans and are going to sign up on Thursday. Don't know if it's good or bad, I guess I could always drop him from the plan if we end in D.

More later....

-Christine

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Still don't think the lawyer-thing just yet, but will monitor the money closely so I am not blind-sided.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can still go ahead and open your own bank account.

Life insurance on your WH with you as the beneficiary is a great idea!

You've got to protect yourself and your children from him.

Christine, what are you afraid of? How can your situation be worst than it already is? What is your biggest fear, that he won't come over for dinner in the evening?

Crumbs, Christine. He is giving you crumbs and you deserve a feast!

Let me hear from you.

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I shouldn't be afraid of anything, because (you are right) I have nothing right now. Last night, MIL said I use the boys as an excuse to see him....think she may be right. I am doing this. Here's my updated Plan B letter, if it gets approved, I will give it to WH when he comes over to watch the boys while I'm at my gym class.

WH,

I wish that I did not have to write this letter, but at this time it is the only way for me to protect my love towards you in the hopes that we will have a future together. Please give me the respect of reading it carefully.

We have been together for almost 10 years, and in all that time have grown our love into a deep and meaningful relationship; one that has created beautiful children and a wonderful life together. These past few months have been an eye-opening experience for me. I have been forced to look at the harsh realities of my contributions to the current state of our marriage. I have not judged you nor have I placed any demands on your actions or activities. All that I have done has been out of respect for your feelings and what you need.

As I look back on our history together, it is filled with nothing more than love and very pleasant memories. The passion and devotion towards each other has always been there, unfortunately over time I put more time and energy into other things and neglected to make you my first priority. I always put you first in my heart, but did not show it in ways that you needed to see. I miss the smile on your face and the warmth of your body next to mine. You have always meant the world to me; there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for you. I know, without a doubt, that we can have a stronger marriage and more rewarding relationship in the future.

If you should decide to come home and salvage our marriage I would require that there be a strict no contact policy with OW, this includes working with her. I have to move forward with my life and can no longer live within this triangle.

We can leave the finances in place as they are, bearing in mind, that should they start to deteriorate I will have to make severe changes. Our family, including your mother, lives in that house and can not afford to be blindsided by default bills.

Any communication about household matters or the boys can be directed through your mother or in an e-mail. I will make arrangements to be absent from the house when you see the kids, or at the very least be in another room so we do not have to meet.

I became comfortable in the security of our marriage and in the security you provided me. I was naïve and began to lose sight of the care our marriage, and you, deserved and needed. Please understand, that this is in no way meant to hurt you but rather protect our chances for future happiness. You are a wonderful man and you deserve a woman who is strong and self-respecting. I feel I need to protect those qualities about myself because that is the woman you really married.

I love you more than I could ever put into words. I honestly believe that once the contact with OW is gone, the love you thought you lost for me will naturally return.

All my love always
Christine

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Christine:

I love your letter. I would just add details about when and how you want the visitation to occur. He does not need to think that he has free access to you and your life. You need to give the message that you are going on with your life without him, that you only want him when he wants you. In other words, I would come up with a specific schedule for the visits or have him to call when he plans to come unannounced.

It is so wonderful that you have the support of his mother. That is a real plus for you and the boys...

Hang in there, Christine. Let me hear from you.

<small>[ March 23, 2005, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

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Thanks, Mimi.

I can do this.

-Christine

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Mimi,

Is this normal? I can't stop crying today. I have the letter printed out, and I will be giving it to him tonight. Unless it's just nerves, I feel like this is the end of our marriage.

I added the following to the envelope:

"WS,

If you love something, set it free; if it returns to you it's yours forever, if it doesn't it never really was yours.

Love it" (one of our little terms we started years ago)

I plan on having "regular" time with him, and just before I leave for the gym I will give him a hug and kiss then hand him the envelope.

I'll post tonight or the morning and tell you how it went.

-Christine

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Christine:

The crying is normal. You are grieving. It is part of the withdrawal from him.

Think of it as being like your labor pains. You just had to bear them. Right?

Think of this as being the ONLY CHANCE YOU HAVE AT SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE. This is definitely not the end of your marriage!! It may feel that way but it is not!

I love your quote about setting him free. Exactly. I think he will be back.

You will miss him terribly. However, remember that you do not really have him anymore. You really want him back!!

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