Are you a wife beater? AN axe murderer? A child pornographer?

Have you thrown out? Of course not!

Think about it man (unless therre's something you haven't told us), what would be the grounds for throwing you out? Especially if you've been spending most of your time there anyway!!

Didn't I say NO EXCUSES??? If you're gonna try one anyway, you gotta do a LOT better than "Can she have me thrown out???"

The point of this is, that if she thinks a separation is necessary, she can create one herself. You don't think one is needed, right? Let her move out and experience the beginning of the consequences of her behaviors.

WAT

I am a good person. not a drinker, wife beater, or anything like that. I just don't think I have the strenght to do it.

YOU DO HAVE THE STRENGTH!!!!!! Stay strong!!!!!

I am going to do this but I will have to wait until next week to take a vacation day from work. That way I can complete the move without her knowing. I have signed a 1 year lease that I have to abide by also. I will only have to pay rent until someone else rents it. I guess I'll have leave some furnature over there because I don't have anyway to move it right now. But, I can move my clothes and really thats all I need right!!
Man this is really tough.

Yes it is tough.

This whole ordeal may be the toughest thing you face in your life. But something has to be the toughest, right?

About OM and exposure. With his name and address, do a yahoo look up for his phone number. Call it during the business day - when he likely might not be home - and see if a woman answers, or if a voice recorder answers with a woman's recording or a man's voice recorder greeting says "we" can't answer the phone...... Get it? If a woman answers, be ready to expose the affair right there. Be willing to share hard evidence because the common reaction in these cases is for unsuspecting spouses to immediately go into denial and not believe you.

Maybe others can suggest ways to find out about him. Tell us what happens. You may have to e-mail him and specify that he is invading your family and please stay away. This may have no effect, but unless you know for sure that your wife has told him she is married, you must assume that he thinks she's single, or being divorced right now.

WAT

Back in November when I saw his phone number on WW cell phone I called him and told him I did not appreciate him calling my wife. OM said "We are just friend and I'm sorry you feel that way. You should talk to your wife". Of course I did confront her at that time and she also said they were just friends. I do have name, address, cell and home phone as well as email. Does anyone know how to access marital records in Texas.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong> That is very strong advice. Does anyone else think the same way, that I should move back in.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">FogLight.

Listen to worthatry. GO HOME AND STAY. Do it today.

Whether or not your wife gets angry is irrelevant. I am willing to bet that one of the reasons that your wife is doing what she is doing, is that she perceives a lack of strength in you. I am not saying that you aren't 'strong', just that she may see you that way.

Go home. Tell her you are staying and that you have come home to work on the marriage. Tell her that you know you have contributed to the current state of the marriage, and you will fix your part of the problem immediately.

Tell her that she will need to immediately cease all communication with the other man while the two of you work on the marriage. Don't ASK her to stop, don't demand either. STATE the fact clearly. She must exclude the third person from your marriage for the marriage to heal. That means TOTAL EXCLUSION. No contact with him whatsoever.

Listen to WAT and let him guide you through the process.

Whatever it takes, you need to ditch all your fear right now. You can NOT let fear rule you if you are to recover your marriage. Fear will try to rob you of success.

You must fight for your marriage. Your wife is growing more distant by the day. She is not fighting for your marriage. She is serving herself and the 'good feeling' she gets from the other man right now. As of now, if you are to save your marriage, you must be the warrior. Do it for your kids. Do it for yourself. Do it because you know it is the right thing to do.

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble, She just called me during lunch. I know she has bought me a valentine card and a gift. I have been going to the house after she leaves for work and saw them, (Can't help it) as well as she sort of let it slip that she got me something. I know she was just at the mall and bought another one (I know her quite well) I really want to see if I can do this a little different. The last few days since I confronted her with the emails I uncovered she has been acting toward me with much more affection. I want to wait until after valentines day to move back in, because I want to see if I can make some headway from now until Monday night. I really don't think a few more days will make that much difference.

Foglight, I just want to say - I also agree with WAT's advice to move back in... You can't do a good and effective plan A while living apart from your W.

You received good advice from some veterans here... Listen to them and keep coming here for support and advice. I have a good feeling about your situation - I think you and your W are going to make it! Just stay strong and do what you need to do! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take care,
Suzet

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Thanks Suzet and others for your advice and encouragement. I don't know what I would do if not for you guys. Should the move back in be done while she is there or when she is not there?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong>, I really don't think a few more days will make that much difference. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to completely disagree with your assessment.

Let me tell you what you could be facilitating by your delay.

1) Your wife could make a last ditch effort to physically 'consummate' her attraction to the other man. Her potential reasoning being; "This may be the last chance I get to do something for me", "I deserve this", or "I have to find out for sure if I really love other man or not".

2) By waiting, you are directly providing your wife with motivation, time and facilities with which to contact the other man.

You simply can not trust your wife to do the 'right thing' right now. She will lie, cheat and steal in her current condition. The sooner you face that reality, the better.

You can either trust what others that have been where you are now, (worthatry, suzet, faithinme. pepperband, orchid and many others) are saying, or you can wait around and eventually find out for yourself that they were right all along.

Do what they tell you now, and minimize the pain.

One last thing. You are going to suffer pain in your situation. You can not avoid it, it is now in play, in your life. It will not go away until it has run it's course. It is a fact, face it.

Again, depend on what the others have to tell you. They can not take away the pain, but they sure as hell can make it easier for you to deal with.

All the best,
Gimble

OK OK, But do I move back in while she is there or not there????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong> OK OK, But do I move back in while she is there or not there???? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It doesn't matter. Either way, there will likely be some fireworks.

Get prepared with what you will tell here. Get a change of clothes and your toiletries, then go home. Stay.

Talk to worthatry (WAT) and others for the day to day details.

You can do this.

Gimble

OK, I have made the decision to do it! I will try to post day to day as best I can. I am already skirting CO. policy on internet use but, I feel this couldn't be more important. Thanks again guys and wish me luck!

Here's how you do it:

"Honey, I'm home!"

Take some flowers, tell her that you're here to be where you belong, with your family, and you want to r-build your marriage into one that will make it unnecessary for you to ever separate again.

Whatever she says or does in response, just listen. Assuming she will not (immediately) embrace this in a fairy tale finish, answer any criticisms, accusations, threats or anything negative with, "I understand your concern." But do not budge.

If she gets physical, go to another room and close the door. Let her have her tantrum.

You have to be the picture of calm, cool, and collected.

If she says that now SHE has to move out: "I understand your concern, but I want you to stay and help me re-build our family."

Got it?

WAT

GOT IT! I'm doing it with confidence - no turning back. I really want to call OM right before I go in and tell him to back off. Should I.

Foglight,

I see you started a new thread yesterday and then you deleted your post… Are you okay? What is the matter? I’m worried about you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Please don’t stop posting… Please update us and let us know what is going on. We are here to help you.

Hope we will hear from you soon,
Suzet

Hey Suzet, No I couldn't remember my password for FogLight so I created a new one from home and then was afraid my WW would get on it and see what I was doing.

Up date, I moved back in, really WW did not have much of a response. Then Sunday I guess after I came in with a bunch of clothes and grocerys from the rental WW said that this was something we should have discussed and that she didn't want me to move back in. Then she said I guess I will have to move out. I said I understand your concern but this is where I belong with my family, and that we couldn't work on our marriage separated. This morning she sent me an email that I have to move back out. HELP WHAT SHOULD I DO AT THIS POINT. I know OM is advising her.

FogLight,

I’m glad you posted! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I’m not the best advisor on your current situation and I hope WAT (and the other vet’s) will jump in soon, but here is my opinion in the meantime:

I think you must continue to stay calm, cool and collected. Don’t show your W you feel upset and unsure about her request. Don’t argue with your W, but just state the fact very clearly to your W that you refuse to move out because you can’t work on your M while separate. And then ignore her tantrums, threads etc. and continue with plan A. Maybe you can also make it clear to her that if she thinks a separation is necessary, she can create one herself. As someone said earlier on this thread, let her move out and experience the beginning of the consequences of her behaviors. Also, if she prefers to move out and separates herself from you, make it clear to her that in that case, you will have to cut of all contact with her (plan B) until she finally made up her mind. Don’t give her a chance to have her cake and eat it too. Don’t let her and the OM manipulate you. Stay strong.

Suzet

Thanks Suzet, I need all the support I can get from this forum. No more kisses or hugs just a cold shoulder from her now. She has immediately stopped doing any housework. Should I take it on myself to take it over. She seems to go out of her way to make messes.

I need help with a solid plan to get through this.