Here is a profile OM emailed my WW back in November, If I didn’t know better this was written especially for her.

Third Generation *****, somewhat shy, will not shut up once I get to know you. To describe myself, I have Old Fashion Family Values, A Passionate Heart, Caring, Compassionate, Easy Going, Laid Back, Clean-cut, Well Groomed, Down to Earth guy with High Morals and Principles. Romantic with a big heart (sometimes to Big) and a great sense of humor. Eternal Optimist that does not see problems, only challenges. Believe in hard work, the difference between dreams and reality is doing it. Very loyal and dependable person that is honest with integrity. Honesty, intergrity and being above board are #1 in my profession and my life. Relationships can not be built on lies and untruths.

I'm a person that appreciates a tender heart and soul. Believe in helping others – Pay it Forward. Love life, love to laugh and have fun. I’m a very positive person that believes sharing and communication are very (extremely) important in any relationship (friendly, romantic or family).

Take charge guy, but not over bearing, I make things happen. If you think you can, you can, and will! If you think you can’t, you’re right, you have already set yourself up to fail. Love the simple things in life, sight of the moring fog on rolling hills as the sun comes glistening through and as you have that first cup of coffee. The sound and smell of summer rain as it passes through the leaves of an old oak tree, and you hear the clap of thunder in the distance. On a clear night, away from the city and town lights looking at the millions of stars in the sky, the Constellations are unbelievable. On a night drive from Los Angeles to Las Vegas in the desert you can see what I’m talking about, the sky is crystal clear, pitch black except for the stars, it’s beautiful. Yes, there is a God
If you like playing games (Go to Vegas) or hanging out in bars keep looking, sorry, I’m not your type. Not a “clubber”, just not my thing and never has been.
Do like short trips to Vegas (Craps is my game) and the West Coast, always have a great time. Like browsing at the book store with a cup of starbucks. Music is a time machine that touches the soul. Just drop in your old high school oldies, close your eyes and see if it doesn’t take you back. Or drop in a soft love song, turn out the lights, close your eyes and see how your mood changes.
Love going out for a Romantic candle light dinner or popping pop corn, pop in a DVD and snuggling on the couch in front of a burning fireplace for an intimate night at home. Love the Debeers (Diamond) Commercials, the are very Romantic. All that matter is being with that someone special.
OK in a Tux on Friday night to the Opera and Jeans to the Rodeo or Concert Saturday. Enjoy sporting events, cars, music (all types of concerts), investments, travel, the arts, museums, plays, opera, ballet, estate sales, gardening, and projects around the house.
Even played around with Photography and oil painting for a while, it was fun. Really did enjoy it. Love to cook and grill in the back yard. Attend lots of sporting and car events. Love working on old cars (have a small Vet collection growing), have a few projects now. Love racing, both NHRA and NASCAR, but not a fanatic about it.
******* is my love and played (professionally), back when you played for the love of the game. I still love the sport, even get tears in my eyes when I think about those times. So I’m not made of stone, real men do cry.
I’m a private pilot with Multi-Engine and IFR ratings, but stopped flying myself years ago. Use to scuba dive and am certified in several areas.
For those not from ***** and are wondering. Yes, growing up I did ride, what do you expect, I grew up in a Farming/Ranching family. To this day I believe a horse in a beautiful animal. Really love the Polo Ponies, and Clyde Dayles. Like going the Rodeo just to see the show horses.
I believe nothing is worth having or achieving if you have no one to share it with. I’m very sharing, sincere, patient and understanding. With a shoulder to lean on, or your rock.
I have two grown (in their 20’s) children which have their own place. They are spoiled rotten, but are very hard workers like their dad. Chips off the old block. They are my best friends and my life. We are very close since we grew up together. I’m close to all my family, most of them are still here in ***** and ******, a few in *****. Have traveled the world, and always wanted to take a cruise but never have. With all I have done it’s hard to believe I never took a cruise, Oh Well!
Going out for breakfast on the weekend is one of my favorite things. Like to shop, if you gals can believe that.
Keep up with current events and watch the news nightly.
Even though my life is full and secure, there is something missing. I think it would be great to be married to my best friend.
Well that’s me in a nut shell, could go on but it’s already long.

Her response to this was, OM you are such an awesome person, I love you very much and want to be with you right NOW!!!

This was back in late November and they still have not meet. I know for sure. Guys this is what I’m up against.

ditto Suz

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong>WW said that this was something we should have discussed</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And her affair wasn't?

These type hypocritical statements/actions run rampant in an affair. The WS cannot recognize the hypocrisy of what they're saying and these things drive BSs nuts. When you hear this type drivel from your wife, do not try to explain how hypocritical she is, do not try to hold up a mirror to her face. Just grin and bear it - knowing she's "normal" and in her stupor.

Be a model husband and pick up the slack for her messiness that distracts from the family setting. DO NOT make up for her messiness if it only affects her. Do not complain, try to be cheerful, don't do anything she could reasonably use to criticize you. Unreasonable criticisms are going to come at you - ignore them.

If she threatens to leave, clearly and calmly state that you do not want her to, you hope she won't, and that she will put the family first in her priorities. DO NOT say those tempting knee jerk reactions we all think of - "Don't let the door hit you in the [censored] on your way out." This tough love attitude will have it's place in due time, if you need it.

Good job on being decisive and dong the right thing in moving back. You are in in control. Be patient. Time is on your side. No need to hurry anything now.

WAT

Thanks worthatry, Please read the OM's Profile post before yours a give me your assesment.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Honesty, intergrity and being above board are #1 in my profession and my life. Relationships can not be built on lies and untruths. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All the proof you need to see this creep as a fraud.

Perhaps you should e-mail him and parrot these words back at him.

WAT

Sorry, double post! (Message on next page)

<small>[ February 14, 2005, 07:23 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Foglight,

Yes, I think for now you have to take the housework over. It’s all part of plan A and will give you a great opportunity now to continue with plan A – part of it is domestic support! You see, your W is acting spiteful right now in an attempt to discourage you and let you move out again. It’s a manipulation technique. Don’t fall for it and don’t show your W you are upset by it! And as stated earlier on this thread, be happy and loving yet a little independent. Show her that you can be independent and do things for yourself if you need to – you have an opportunity with the domestic support now to show her this. If things at home gets too hectic and too much housework, make a plan and hire a house worker for a day or two. One or other time your W will see that she can’t manipulate you with her behavior and will return to her ‘normal’ behavior again.

Good luck!
Suzet

<small>[ February 14, 2005, 07:18 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Keep the advice comming friends. I need to get off now, My company monitors net usage and I am skirting the edge. Be back later today.

Thanks so much,

FogLight

"Believe in hard work, the difference between dreams and reality is doing it."

Man, this guy is DEEP! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

OK, this looks like a profile somebody would put on match.com or E-Harmony. Very, very typical of someone who feels he/she has to overcome their ordinariness.

I speak from experience. I met my sweetie on match.com 2 1/2 years ago and we're a terrific match. That said, we both had to wade through a LOT of phoniness and exaggeration in sorting potential dates. Have you looked for this phony on one of the dating sites? Could be fun to play with him some. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Over the weekend I heard a news story about a married couple someplace in Europe who both were secretly cruising on the dating sites. They both found their perfect match and began communicating. They eventually arranged to meet. You guessed it - they met each other. Divorce pending.

WAT

Foglight,

I have been following your thread, nothing further in the way of advise, as you are in very good hands with WAT, Gimble, Suz et al.

I just read that profile of OM's. Can I go hurl now??????? Good lord he talks too much, & is way too full of himself. Puke, barf, gross. WHAT a liar too. He says he believes in family values, oh yeah right. Dabbles in oil... blah, blah, blah.

I joined Eharmony not too long ago, and met a couple of really nice guys. Then I decided I didn't want to date at all, so cancelled my account. But I didn't read anything like what he wrote from guys eharmony sent my way. Did I say puke???????

Sorry, just had to give my little ole opinion of this person based on his profile and the fact that he is willing to mess around with another mans wife. ick!

Seems like everyone one hear has the same opinion as I do about this pack of lies. I told WW that if OM had such strong Old Fashion Family Values and Morals etc. then why is he having an affair with a married woman. She said its not like that and you just don't know him.

Can anyone give me a step by step Plan A outline?

<small>[ February 14, 2005, 08:54 AM: Message edited by: FogLight ]</small>

Plan A is not a step by step process. OK, I'll force it into three parallel steps:

1. Stop all love busters.
2. Meet ENs
3. Expose the affair.

Here's my canned description of Plan A - didn't I post this to you already? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The way I understand Plan A, it's based on two premises that must be accepted for "garden variety" affairs:

1. The BS cannot end the affair.

2. The affair developed, to some extent great or small, due to a poor marital environment which the BS, to some extent great or small, contributed to.

If a BS cannot accept these two statements as givens, they will not be able to implement Plan A.

With these facts established, there is only one constructive thing a BS can do to influence the course of an affair: change the affair-friendly marital environment by eliminating the BS contributions to it.

To this end, the BS must perform an introspective search for all the things they were doing or not doing that contributed to the WS's decision to have an affair - and then eliminate those negative contributions. These may include failure to meet emotional needs or disbursing too many love busters - but is usually some combination of both.

This DOES NOT mean that the BS "caused" the affair. This DOES NOT mean that the BS can or should try to change failings of the WS.

It simply means that the BS needs to change and improve the only thing they have control over - themselves - to eliminate love busters and begin meeting as many emotional needs of the WS as they can.

Central in this is stopping all disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, and selfish demands. This is agonizingly difficult in the face of an affair. A BS has to counter the common knee jerk reactions of demanding the WS "straighten up" and delivering ultimatums and threats. Acting in this fashion simply reinforces the WS's rationalizations to conduct the affair in the first place - because the marriage "is over" or expendable and the spouse is unreasonable, therefore the affair is justifiable.

Invariably, this course leads BSs to feel like doormats and [censored] kissers. It also conjures up thoughts of enabling the affair by not resisting it. But the better logic to apply is that the BS isn't a doormat or enabling because they're doing the only things in their power to stop the affair - it's just counterintuitive to the initial reactions. This doesn't mean that boundaries shouldn't be set and protective measures shouldn't be taken.

Let me add that Plan A is all about the BS. You do not "Plan A" your WS. It is not intended to change ANYTHING but the BS.

I'll end this by offering that there is one additional thing a BS can do to alter the course of the affair - but I call it "destructive" rather than "constructive" (to separate it from the one and only constructive thing, discussed above). It's to expose the affair to the light of day. But this deserves its own discussion.

OK, one more thing. The affair is very, very likely to end DESPITE what the BS does or does not do. Until it ends, there is NO chance for reconciliation. Ideally, Plan A improvements can encourage the WS to end the affair sooner because the spouse's "causes" of it are eliminated. But regardless, following Plan A prepares the BS for a successful reconciliation whenever and for whatever reason the affair ends by jump starting the process - their share of pre-existing marital problems are already confronted.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WAT

Thanks worthatry, I guess I'm so stressed right now I keep repeating my request for advice without fully digesting what I've been given.


Spoke to WW several times today, no more requests since this morning to move back out.

I sent flowers to WW today, She called to let me know she got them and seemed to be very gratefull. She said she really liked them and they were beautiful. She said that she thought everyone else in her office would get flowers but her, but she was the only one that did. I wanted to say was OM to cheap to send you flowers, but I didn't.

worthatry, I am reading Love Busters during my lunch hour and listening to His Needs Her Needs CD back and forth to work. I have a lot to learn and even more to change, but I will not give up.

Thanks again.

FogLight

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong>I wanted to say was OM to cheap to send you flowers, but I didn't.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good job NOT saying this.

This is not about OM - he's just her useful idiot. Any port in a storm.

This IS all about your marriage issues. The only time OM comes into play is as a distraction for your wife to working on your marriage. He's the current excuse for her not to want to try. It's an easier path for her to feel good now instead of fixing your marriage problems. Very short sighted and adolescent-like. Doesn't she remind you of an adolescent?

WAT

Yes very much so. Only thinking short term, very short term at this point.

After work, I went home and we ended up going out for dinner. We went to a little Italian place my WW like and ate. I was good and she insisted on paying. Since discovery date she has payed her own way (her choice not mine) so we take turns paying for things. After dinner we went home, watched tv, worked with son on his homework. She is still sleeping on the couch. She has also finally figured out how to lock her phone so I can't see the calls and messages. Still getting the cold shoulder but, I'm steadfast in my belief that this will work out.

I do need help with conversation, not a talker, can't even think of things to say or talk about. I know this is one emotional need OM is quite good at based on her cell phone records. Any good books out there that someone else has used with success???

Foglight, things sound very positive in your current circumstances! Don’t worry too much about your W’s behavior (sleeping on the couch, her cold shoulder etc.) I think her behavior is normal under the circumstances (remember, she is in a fog). However, I have much hope for your situation and I believe things will work out. The most important thing you must focus on right now is continuing with a good plan A as WAT laid it out to you in a previous post. The other important thing is to start exposing your W’s A (as I laid it out for you in an earlier post) if she continues contact with OM. Exposure is part plan A.

Here is a link on this website which can help you with communication and also help you to fill your W’s need for conversation:
What to Do When Your Conversation Becomes Boring and Unpleasant

The book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-proof Marriage can also help you with this.

Take care,
Suzet

Double post.

<small>[ February 15, 2005, 06:47 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Triple post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ February 15, 2005, 06:49 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

HELP, I just now got this email from WW.

We need to talk -
You need to move back out.
I can't go back to the way it was before - I can't live like this.

What do I do now????

Reply: "I agree - I can't live like this either. I have a plan for rebuilding our marriage into a better one than we ever dreamed possible. But to do this we have to stay together. I am realizing some of the things I wasn't doing properly in our "old" marriage. Your messages to me have been a wake up call and you got my attention. I am commited to making our family a better place for all of us."

Don't panic.

You're in control.

DO NOT budge from your home.

Let her stew and throw a temper tantrum. YOU remain calm and in control. DO NOT let her suck you into her cess pool.

WAT