Thank God you replied worthatry, why can't I think of these things to say. I am sending it right now.

Email sent

Foglight,

Whatever you do, don’t to move out! My advice of yesterday is still the same: Stay calm, cool and collected and don’t argue with your W about this. Just refuse to move out and state firmly but calmly to your W that you can’t work on your M while separate. Say to her that if she thinks a separation is necessary, she can create one herself this time… Let her move out and experience the beginning of the consequences of her behaviors. Also make it clear to her that if she wants you to separate, you will have to cut of all contact with her (plan B) until she finally made up her mind. Time for tough love.

Hope this helps,
Suzet

Thanks Suzet, I'm dreading her next move.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Suzet*:
<strong>Also make it clear to her that if she wants you to separate, you will have to cut of all contact with her (plan B) until she finally made up her mind.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I recommend you hold this thought. Suz is absolutely correct that this may be part of your strategy, but I suggest it's not quite time for it nor should you broadcast your scheme.

Suzet - don't you think IF she leaves - which I doubt she will - that Foglight ought to Plan A a bit while getting all the separation ducks in a row - the legal stuff, etc.?

WAT

Understood, I don't think she will either but, you never know.

OK JUST IN - HER REPLY.

I want you to move out - do you understand? I can't live with these knots in
my stomach - I am going back into that state of depression - I don't want to
do anything but lay around. You have to leave. The strange thing is before
you moved back in - I kind of missed you a little - but now - I don't think
I can do it.

One thing I forgot to mention regarding OM's "profile."

If she decides to move out, not only will she reap the consequences of her decision full-on, she'll get to discover the "real" OM. A separation decision on the part of the WS can be a very beneficial for discovering reality underlying a fantasy.

WAT

Her reply is an attempt to put a guilt trip on you. Ignore it.

Not sure how that would work. OM lives 1000 miles away. WW has been employed at same co for 19 years. OM seems to also have strong roots in his home so one of them will have to jump off the cliff bigtime so to speak. She seems to have a strong commitment to our child. She has never been on her own, although see makes enough money to do so. She does have a money management problem though. I'm guessing OM is advising her right now. I will stand my ground however and stay home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Suzet - don't you think IF she leaves - which I doubt she will - that Foglight ought to Plan A a bit while getting all the separation ducks in a row - the legal stuff, etc.? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WAT, yes, you’re probably correct on this... Before he can move to plan B he have to do a good plan A for a while (part of the MB principles). On the other side, I just feel IF foglight’s W moves out and he continue meeting her needs etc. then it will make it too easy for her to have her cake and eat it to – to hav her needs met by two men. Part of the reason foglight’s W want them to live separately is to make it easier for her to meet both men in her apartments and have her needs met by both of them. It’s not fair towards foglight and I don’t think it will be a good thing. Maybe IF she moves out, he can plan A for a certain period and then cut off contact and move to plan B. However, I agree with you that it’s not quite time for him to broadcast his scheme on plan B. Thanks for correcting foglight on that one! As I said yesterday, I’m not the best advisor in his circumstances and I’m glad you (and the other vet’s) are around to help advising and guiding him! I'm still learning everyday! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ February 15, 2005, 07:43 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

She is calling me now. I have yet to take the call. Going to stick with advice given previously.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong>I have yet to take the call. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't avoid talking to her, if this is what you mean. Be accessible to her and take each opportunity to be calm and loving. But remember the, "I understand your concern" universal response to any complaint or point of disagreement.

You're doing a good job and keep us posted - but don't get fired. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WAT

Thanks worthatry you have been a great friend and mentor. I thank God for this forum and all the help I am getting. I would be lost right now if not for all of you.

Well WW informed me that she has Thu, Fri and Mon off as vacation days. I didn't question what she was going to do but I can venture a pretty good guess. My question is should I question her about it or just let it go??? My this is hard to take.

You suspect she's going to visit OM?

Yes, ask her her plans in a non-threatening way. WHATEVER her answer, you say, "OK" in a neutral tone. If she says she's doing ANYTHING other than going to see OM, your answer can be more of an approving tone. (Unlikely she'll fess up to going to see him.)

If she indicates she's going to be traveling someplace, ask what she was planning for for the kids. You cannot get off of work to take care of them, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Report everything she says.

I strongly recommend you begin counseling (just you) with either Steve Harley or Jennifer Chalmers (see the Counsel section of this site). They're the experts and can customize the general guidance you read about here and get from amateurs like us. It's not cheap, but it may be the best money you ever spend. Everything we've been advising you should be considered first aid. Everyone needs real guidance.

Your sitch has great promise - don't compromise on your plan by not consulting a pro. The great promise could turn disasterous if you take the wrong course. We can keep you generally between the ditches, but we don't know it all and you should not rely on our advice exclusively.

Consult us if you choose counseling, but choose a local instead of an MBer. You'll want to make sure the local is pro-marriage and well versed in the topic of infidelity.

WAT

oops

<small>[ February 15, 2005, 11:42 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Our son is in school during the day and we are home the same time he gets home so that is not a problem for either of us. Its just curious that she is taking these day off (not like her) I could get off myself and follow her (she is very unperceptive) she probably wouldn't even notice.

Ask her her plans.

You: Got any plans, Honey?

Her: Yea, I might go here and there and shop and etc., etc.

You: Sounds fun. How 'bout I join you? We need to spend more time together as a couple - this is part of my plan for strengthening our marriage.

Her: (She'll make some excuse for you NOT to join her.)

You: OK, maybe next time!

If you suspect she is arranging a meeting with OM, assume she is. You cannot stop her and this could be a good thing. He may turn out to be Shrek.

I would be remiss, however, if I avoided the possibility that this guy could be a sociopath. Stranger things have happened.

Please tell us her explanation of her plans before we jump to conclusions.

WAT

OK worthatry, If you love them let them go. So I'll let her go.

Thanks, with a tear in my eye.

FogLight