This doesn't mean that you shouldn't voice your objection if you have a strong belief that she's planning to meet OM. If there's no other reasonable explanation, tell her that any plans she has to meet up with him are extremely hurtful to you and damaging to your family.

Please describe her explanation when you get it.

Please update us on who you've exposed her affair to - I have trouble remembering. My oldstimers disease.

WAT

dbl post

<small>[ February 15, 2005, 12:42 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

WAT and FogLight.

I want to offer a suggestion. FogLight, only use this if WAT thinks it is a good idea.

I have lots of troubled people experience, but WAT and other 'old heads' here have the practical affair busting experience.

With that in mind;

If you feel pretty sure that she will be seeing the other man, then say something very to the point, matter of fact, not accusing, with zero emotion, that directly addresses the behavior.

Wife: "Well, I don't know exactly were I will be or long I will be, and I bet that my cell phone won't work either"

Hubby: "Your other man (do NOT say his name) will use our current marital situation as an excuse to get into your pants"

Wife: "I am not going to see him!"

Hubby: "Okay"

She may get angry. Do not respond in kind. Do not engage in a conversation about other man. If she persists, tell her that her actions are hurting you very much. Walk away.

What you accomplish is the planting of a seed of truth that will haunt your wife - hopefully at the right time.

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble's advice is sound (thanks for jumping in). I did not intend for you NOT to object.

Please do not act on my advice alone. After all, I wasn't successful in saving MY marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I am very concerned for her to go meet this possible very accomplished liar - for her own safety. You can also appeal to that sensibility in her, although she has likely already discounted any danger.

Let's not jump to conclusions until you hear her explanation. If it's reasonably possible she's planning to meet him, you should consider some exposure strategies, e.g., her family who may choose to intervene if a sufficient safety threat exists.

WAT

Exposure has been other than a few of my coworkers and my family and her mother. Her mother knows that see is talking to OM on phone. Her entire family knows we are having problems (but not the EA) and have encouraged her to work it out. However, WW has chosen to ignore them at this stage. Again I am a good man, just not the perfect one WW is looking for.

WW called about 2pm and I asked her what her plans were and WW said probably some yard work - planting flowers??? I left it at that.

Here is a little more info (emails WW sent to OM)

1/10/05
So - are we going to Vegas?? (never went, I asked her about this and she said she didn't go because she is married)

1/13/05
Can't we meet - just meet - soon - nothing will happen - we can do it - pppppppppplllllllleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaasssssssseeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HARD ROCK!!!!!! ROCK HARD!!!!!!!!
COME HERE THE 21ST - I'll pick you up at the airport - we can have dinner - walk around the park - see a movie - make out a little bit - and I'll go home - meet you for breakfast on Saturday - spend the day together - take a nap - have dinner - then I'll to home - etc......

1/24/05

Good Morning Baby:
I wish we were together this weekend - we could have had a blast!
Just running around keeping busy - doing everything and nothing!
I really do want to be with you (not just sexually) ha!
I think we could have a blast!
I hope you think of me as much as I think of you.

More of what I'm up against (I printed these out and confronted her with them. This prompted the email in the begining of my post.

Foglight

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">More of what I'm up against[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">More of the same of what we're used to seeing.

Can you say "adolescent"?

Very, very, very typical of a dopamine stupor.

Plan A your butt off in anticipation of her time off. Hard to say what her real intentions are. Planting flowers in February? Where do you live? I'm not a green thumb, so maybe this is appropriate for some locales. YOU keep planting the seeds of love.

WAT

<small>[ February 15, 2005, 04:20 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

You know, I had to quit reading the emails and tms and chat logs. It was too SICKENING - WAT is right - "ADOLESCENCE" My WW of 40 turned 16 last December. I got so sick if finding notes with cutesy hearts o them that I started taping them to the outsode of the front door so she could see them when she got home. Moved out real quick after that. Might have been a mistake <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> but there cam a point where it didn't matter what was said between the two idiots - I didn't care, it was an A, and that's all I needed to know. Couldn't deal with the images, notes, etc.

Just switched to Plan A, began making me better (here I am addicted to MB now LOL!) and just letting God handle the rest.

JMHO

David

Update, child 12 found emails and confronted WW before I got home, WW lied, child has IQ of 130 and knows WW is lying. She was totally pissed when I got home. Eventually put shoes on got keys and started to leave. Child said where are you going, WW responded "it doesen't matter" I was doing dishes and said "just be carefull" and she steamed out. Child said that WW said that I was forcing a divorce?? We live in Florida and we actually have flowers blooming now. Gotta go now, will check back later or in the morning.
FogLight

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong> Update, child 12 found emails and confronted WW before I got home, WW lied, child has IQ of 130 and knows WW is lying. She was totally pissed when I got home. Eventually put shoes on got keys and started to leave. Child said where are you going, WW responded "it doesen't matter" I was doing dishes and said "just be carefull" and she steamed out. Child said that WW said that I was forcing a divorce?? We live in Florida and we actually have flowers blooming now. Gotta go now, will check back later or in the morning.
FogLight </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There will be fallout, but I have to say that it looks like the Lord just bent down and kissed you on the cheek.

Your coming home, and the notes has cause your child's admiration of 'dad' to go way up.

You must continue to be the hero.

All the best,
Gimble

Just curious...how did she find the emails?

Wow.

OK, hug your child and tell him/her that you and Mom are having a hard time and that you are doing all you can to make things better. Express your love for both of them and your confidence that all will be better, but it may take a while.

Do not try to explain the complexities of infidelity to the child. High IQ, maybe. Hi emotional maturity, no.

When your wife returns, express your sadness that your child saw the messages. She will accuse you of revealing them.

WAT

Update, WW is totally pissed, wants an immediate divorce no if ands or buts. Wants to know if we are taking the lawyer route and fighting over the house or going the paralegal route and 50 50 split. I didn't give an answer I said I would think about it.

NOW WHAT?

<small>[ February 15, 2005, 08:06 PM: Message edited by: FogLight ]</small>

Hi, FogLight.

"Dear wife. I have no intention to file for divorce. I came home to fight for our marriage. That is exactly what I intend to do."

Tomorrow, quietly go and make sure that your finances are separate and in order. If you have any joint credit cards, cancel them.

Don't engage your wife. She is going to try to pick a fight with you so that she can excuse her behavior with other man. Don't do it.

If she strikes you, call the police and report her abuse. I don't think she will go that far, I am just giving you warning in case she goes over the top.

Hang in there. The ride is rough sometimes.

Gimble

Foglight,

I just want to let you know I’m still following your thread closely. You receive great advice and support from WAT and Gimble. Be strong my friend... Stay in control and keep your responses to your W cool, calm and loving. Keep showing her by your actions and responses how committed you are in saving this M and even build a better M than before... I really hope your W will come to her senses and not carry through her plans for a divorce, but I don’t think she will. I think she is still trying to threaten and manipulated you by trying to get you to move out and give in to her demands. Just stay in control and keep showing her that you are in control. Things will get worse before it will start to get better… As WAT said yesterday, don't hesitate to also seek professional help & advice if you feel it's necessary... I’ll keep you in my prayers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take care,
Suzet

Friends, WW didn't speak this morning but after she left for work she called and wanted to know again if we were going to get lawyers or go to the paralegal. WW is serious I tell you. I'm thinking plan B as a last resort because she did previously have an appointment with an attorney and I convinced her to cancel it.

Bump to top

Two things.

Call Steve Harley TODAY and make an appointment.

(888)639-1639

ditto Gimble on the divorce threat. Please give us a synopsis on your financial sitch. Own or rent your home? Mortgage in whose name? Car loans? In whose name? Types of joint accounts - checking, saving, investment? Types of individual accounts? IRAs? Other debts? Generally, who controls the household finances?

She's in the short term reaction phase of having her behavior revealed to your child. This may pass quickly and she may change course. Sit tight for a day or two.

Please realize that to her, you are now the scourge of the earth. You are responsible for everything that is going wrong in her life. She cannot yet see that all of this is due to HER behavior. Accept that this is her reality for now. Do not argue with her and do not defend yourself with anything other than "I am trying hard to preserve our family."

Forget Plan B unless she moves out. Impossible (in my opinion) without a physical separation.

DO NOT play your child against your wife. It seems you may not have to anyway.

WAT

In my humble opinion, she's bluffing...just being angry...and testing you. If she really wanted it, she would just contact the lawyer independently. Or, she would tell you when she was calm not in an angry knee-jerk response. She is seeking your advice to test your response and let you know just how angry she is.

I would continue to calmly repeat that you are there to fight for your marriage and that it hurts you to hear she wants to contact a lawyer....and that you will not agree to paralegal or lawyer becuase you don't want a divorce.

Good luck! All this stuff is such madness!

One other thing.

Other than calling Steve, YOU HAVE NO URGENCY!

You do not have to be in a hurry TO DO ANYTHING!

Time is on your side. You are in control. You regained control when you wisely followed our advice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> to move back into your home. (BTW, DO NOT give her access to your old apartment.)

She is the one with all the urgency - allow her this turmoil. Her turmoil is good. It HAS to happen. She may HAVE to crash before she can realize what's going on. DO NOT DENY HER this possibly necessary and healing emotional event.

WAT