Hey girlie girl! I didn't see this until just now. Haven't been on the boards too much, either.

Well, I do believe you have had the most positive feedback to your first expression of what you need. Hopefully, you will remember this positive experience the next time you feel something is all bottled up, and want to get it out. And MC is a terrific environment for that ~ learning to tell each other what you need, how you feel, without attacking or hurting the other partner.

Your H sounds a lot like mine when he first came home. He used to tell me he loved me when I broke down, and hold me and tell me he wasn't going anywhere at night.

I sense that he has made a concrete decision to stay with you and your new family, and is willing now to do the work required to ensure his place there.

I am so happy for you, proud of you, and my heart is full of joy. I guess it is true: People grow when the pain of being where they are is more greater than the fear of moving forward.

Spidey

Spidey - It's good to hear from you, I hope things are going well with you. I can't wait to met you an SML in May.

I really do think he is where he wants to be so I don't have to be afraid of driving him away. It is so nice being a family, we even talk about when we'll have another baby (obviously not until we work through things).

His job is one other thing we need to figure out. He's been there for 16 years and leaving would be hard. He hates his boss and can't work for her any more. He is meeting with the managing partner next week to discuss his sitaution and then we can figure things out. If he quit, it would be very tight for us financially and finacial security is one of my top needs, growing up poor was no fun. But with OW there, well you know. If he does stay we can continue to live quite comfortably, even with day care being $315 a week (ouch)! We'll see what happens.

I can't wait to talk to the MC when she calls back on Monday. I really hope she'll be a good fit, and we can get in there next week.

H has to work late tonight so I'm thinking about making some cookies to surprise him. However, I've got to see what we have here. It's not so easy to run out to the grocery store with the baby!

Take care!

Kloe - my WH is a conflict avoider as well as yours. I looked up info on conflict avoiders and found this infor -thought it may help you. ok here it is:
1. Use a clam, supportive voice and demeanor (remember they are frightened)
2. Give the avoider time to formulate his or her ideas.
3. Make the environement as non-threating as possible ( don't trap him in a car or office with close quarters) I did the car thing it did not work either.
4. Frame the conversation as relationship building( "There is sometthing you could do that would help our relationship_ ( don't say we need to talk
5. Set proactive growund rultes ( if you will talk to me I promise not to raise my voice
6. Minimize the issue. (I have one small thing I would like to clear
7. Share your preceptions as just that
8. Focus on behaviors, use no personality labels. ( say things that start with What can I do to get your help with ect)
9. Change the mode -write letters, e-mails -orient your body awway from them so you aren't so threatening
10. Use food to help put them at ease -share lunch have coffe together.
11. Ask for third party help
12. Have a set time to discuss issues so they can prepare
13 Be patient.
I hope this helps. I have tried luch and dinners out. It seems my WH is real good at this as he seems to engage others over to us when I try to talk. At lunch he tells me a friend coworker is joining us. So no talk about his A. But I will wait him out.

Kloe, all those decisions can be made, together, using POJA and radical honesty. Everything will work itself out just fine, when you two work together.

I am so excited for you, your present, your future. Remember, IF this MC doesn't fit, that is OK. Mine and H's first MC was not a good fit. You will know in the first 2-3 visits, I think. Don't stress about that at all. What you need will be provided for you ~ that is how the universe works.

I hope you have what you need for cookies, too. If you are missing a key ingredient, let me know ~ I probably have a recipe that doesn't need it! I LOVE making treats.

Spidey

Realtor - Those really are some good hints. My H always wants to go out to talk, but I'd rather do it at home where I feel more comfortable showing emotion. It's suppose to be pretty nice around here this weekend so maybe we can take a nice long relaxing walk and talk.

I'm trading phone calls with the MC that was recommended to me. I am going to interview her before I set up a meeting. Here are some questions I was going to ask. Any one have any others that would recommend?

How much of your practice is MC vs. IC?
What is your experience in dealing with infidelity and how do you handle it?
What is your philosophy of M?
Are you pro-M?
Are you familiar with the MB concepts and Dr. Harley?
What is a typical session like?
Hours? Cost? Insurance?

<small>[ February 14, 2005, 08:43 AM: Message edited by: kloe72 ]</small>

Well I made our appointment. We are going on Wednesday at 6 pm. We'll see how it goes. The best part is she will take my insurance so it shouldn't cost us too much. Hopefully, things are starting to fall into place.

Kloe, one of the things I asked H's IC before I agreed to meet with them together (and he turned into our MC) was . . . "Have you ever helped a couple save their marriage when one partner really thought they were in love with someone outside the M?"

And he said, "Yes, I have."

The way he answered the question, I got the feeling that he really UNDERSTOOD infidelity, the way we here understand infidelity.

The lady we had before, our first MC, I don't think she understood infidelity as we do, as an addiction. She kept expecting my H to give rational, intelligent input. When we went to H's IC, our final MC, he called H on all his fogese. And they had developed a personal relationship before I got there, so H didn't feel he was "taking my side." He trusted him.

I realize we are in different situations, but that is how I got a "feel" for our MC. The first lady, wouldn't give me any answers to any of my questions. She kept saying things like, "Infidelity statistics are hard to track, because so many go unreported, and it is such a new field, blah blah blah . . . " I felt like she side-stepped my questions, maybe even to cover herself in case her services DIDN'T work. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I tried posting this to you yesterday afternoon, but couldn't get on, then last night I saw the whole site was down. Sorry about that.

I am very excited for you! And please remember, if this MC doesn't quite work out, you are still on the path to recovery. It is yours and your H's path to walk ~ MC just facilitate. OK? Don't be discouraged or think it is all over. It's a journey, not a destination, AND, it is a marathon, not a sprint.

I am full of fortune-cookie advice today! Woo-hoo!

Spidey

I feel good about this MC since she was recommended by someone at work. The person at work didn't she her for infidelity reasons but her husband is not one to put up with someone tip toeing around the issue. He is 20 years older then her and by marrying him she was giving up having kids. Her H wanted to make sure she was really alright with this. They went to another C before this one but clicked with this one because she was direct and to the point.

I am very excited to go. I want to take this next step in recovery so we can move on and build our life together. I think it was good that H and I have spent the last two months together reconnecting and just being together without all the hard talks. This gives us a good foundation for all the hard work we need to do now. I gave H some of my questions in an e-mail last week so he has an idea of some of the things that I need to know and talk about. He has been very open to the idea of going to MC so I'm feeling very good about it.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> YAY!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am soooo happy for you. This is AWESOME.

Oh me too!!!!!

Kloe you are so incredibly patient. You are going to make a fine mother.

You didn't listen to anyone here while you were pregnant, did what you thought was best, totally conflict avoided... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

And everything is working out so perfectly for you.

It's just really, really nice to read of this happiness from you now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks Weaver. I truely believe that everything happens for a reason. There is a reason after two years of trying that I became pregnant when I did, and the reason I found those credit card statements when I did was because I was ready to deal with the A and needed the push to do so. We can't begin our recovery process and build a better stronger marriage without dealing with our issues. I am looking forward to becoming even closer with my H.

Got to go make dinner now, beef stroganof!