Mortar-

The CD was given at the same time as the PBL. The only contact I have had have been him forcing his way into my house because like a [censored] I didn't lock the door, and just now on the phone....did I do okay with the phone call?? I mean I can't put DD10 in the middle, so I just asked him if my conditions had been met, and when he said no, I said I had nothing to say to him....is that giving him cake??????

Ooooo he's gonna burn the state check, bullcrap he's not gonna burn any check, I don't know how long they're good for, but he sure isn't gonna burn it, and even if he did, big hairy deal....burn money if that's what you're into. I'm sure not breaking NC over 50 dollars.

But I didn't give him any cake right?? Because I shut him down when he tried to talk to me beyond my questions about NC.

So it'll die down after this?? He'll think if he doesn't call me, I'll crack and call him? I'm sure it'll be tempting, but as I said before, I plan on posting everything on here before I do it.

-Caren

first off, you handled it well. You are right...keep your daughter out of the middle of it. Always stick to the PBL, always!!.

He is going to keep pushing for awhile, trying to crack you. Once he sees that your boundaries are firm...it is then he will close down and think that you will come running. Once yo udont do that...then, you just may see signs of him surrendering.

But, I want you to now concentrate on what Plan B is for first and foremost. It is for you. Keep your boundaries up, and now concentrate on the rest of your life. And what you want it to look like.

In His arms.

Caren...hold on for the ride....it's going to be hard but you CAN DO IT!!!!!
My WH keeps calling and I just let the phone ring....I have NOTHING to say!

Caren - I read your letter too, and I'm crying right now, so forgive the typos - can't see the keys. I fear I have a Plan B in my future too, and what you are going thru, I can't imagine. I just wanted you to know that I am proud of you, and I pray this works out, and soon. Keep strong, and keep posting...


David

{{{{David}}}}} My heart breaks to hear that you are crying as you type. I have been there also! You will make it through all of this....I promise. Stay strong and take care of yourself.

Mortar,

To be perfectly honest, I can't concentrate on anything right now. I just feel like I've been hit by a mack truck.

I have yet another call that's a potential problem when she calls to tell him goodnight, I'm sure he's gonna try to worm his way into talking to me again then...or maybe he won't.....ooooooo anything but that. He used to do that when he was mad at me to *punish* me. I prefer that he not ask to talk to me, because everytime he tries to put her in the middle and I have to talk to him, it's gonna be the same speech "Have you met the conditions of my letter?" When he says no, I'll say "Then we have nothing to talk about".

I can't really concentrate on my *new life* and what I want out of it right now...I'm just thankful that I'm not having a full blown nervous breakdown at this point.

And on top of everything...I've caught a dang cold!!!! Isn't that special.....anything else to add to my misery?? LOL!!!! I suppose that the stress has lowered my immune system...gotta love that.

So, there's not going to be any "I want to meet and talk to you" bullcrap on this end, I WILL NOT talk to him unless he says he's met the conditions, and then I'll meet him somewhere, and he better have some fricken proof....like say a picture of his car in his own damn garage. Then I want to compose an NC letter with him and I will send it. (I think that his car in his own garage would be some pretty good proof, as I sent a copy of the letter to the OW, so if he's moving his car, she's gonna know EXACTLY why).

I'm not budging an inch (of course as I said, I'm gonna need some help from all of you in this department from time to time)....if he wants me and this marriage, he has conditions to meet, no ifs ands or buts.

-Caren

What I meant to say about your future is that it will be one day at a time at first. But as this settles down, then you will begin to make the changes to your life that you want.

So, no pushing here. Just take it easy and one step at a time.

Try to find a way to not have your daughter in the middle of this. When she calls, let her know that you will not be answering the phone and that you will be indisposed (read: in the shower, on the potty, whatever..). ut, if he does get thru...just stick to the mantra.

You'll be fine.

In His arms.

Double post.

<small>[ February 13, 2005, 06:22 PM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

Hi Caren! Just want to give you my support here! Take it from a true Plan B failure, who finally got it right! It does get easier in time...the first few days/weeks are awful...you will have withdrawal, but you will get thru it...Your H is mad right now, cuz you have cut him off...he is testing you...Next time your DD10 hands you the phone...ask her to leave the room please so you can talk to daddy alone...onceshe is gone..hang up the phone...

simple as that! My WH doesnt' call me this time around...he has tried to call me maybe 4 times total...I haven't picked up the phone once...

Major developments are happening here on my end...but I really cant post them on this board...lurking eyes are all around us!

stay strong!

Kandi-

OMG LMAO, the hanging up the phone thing is a great idea!!! Although I know he IS NOT going to go through my sister as an intermediary even if he does come to his senses, not sure how he's gonna communicate it to me, and I don't know how else to arrange it. I thought about telling him to text it to my yahoo e-mail, because you can do that with yahoo...from cell to yahoo, so anyway, if I'm not talking to him, how the hell can I tell him? LMFAO Guess I'll just wing it.

I could actually use that stupid 50 dollars, but I don't think it's worth breaking plan B for. My poor Mom and Dad took me to the grocery store today, so I'm all stocked up.....on their dime. I'm going to have to lower myself to go get "assistance" which I hate the thought of, but they will start child support proceedings when I do....so that's a step in the right direction, although he has ALL my documents....he saw fit to move my file cabinet to his house and won't give it back. So I am gonna have to get all new copies of everything except the social security cards, which I have.

I'm going to be all mortified to have to use food stamps....I've been there before a long, long time ago, and I had finally pulled myself up to where I didn't have to rely on public assistance, and now I'm back there again...it really SUCKS!!!!!!


-Caren

Why is my post dropping into obscurity LMAO

Stop that TALK TO ME.....LMAO

-Caren

Caren,
Are you a member of idiotville?
lol
Danielle

No, we could NEVER find me a job...LMAO

I am however idiot worthy.....LOL

-Caren

Caren,

Encouragement, chick-o-la. You are doing well, even if he is not reacting well.

I have two practical thoughts for ya:

1--You will go through withdrawal. As much as they say that WS's go through withdrawal from their OP when they end contact...well, when a BS goes into Plan B the BS also going through some withdrawal from their WS. For one thing, there has been a "dance" going on with the WS and BS, and each partner had been doing steps to participate in their dance. When the BS sends the Plan B letter, what they are in effect saying is "I'm not dancing anymore." Even if the dance was abusive, the BS was familiar with it and knew the dance.

So, Caren, for the next few days you WILL feel some withdrawal. When I went into Plan B with my WH, I kept thinking up reasons why I "had" to call him--like the kids or some money issue or something! I found myself struggling to not pick up the phone or come up with excuses to contact. Soooo...I went 15 minutes at a time. Everytime I wanted to call or had the thought to call, instead I told myself I'd wait 15 minutes and see if I still wanted to after 15 minutes. Then, after THOSE 15 minutes, I wait another and another and another!! The first few days were ROUGH! I couldn't concentrate or think straight...I just focused on not contacting my WH! Then, as the days went by, it gradually got a little easier and a little easier.

After a little while, I realized that I was making my own decisions!! I was deciding how my life was going to go rather than letting my fogged-in WH make the decisions for me! I was making choices that bettered my life and were more in line with my true self. It was good.

Chick you will get there. For now, just focus on NO CONTACT no matter what. And don't forget to eat something!

2--Your WH will try every trick in the book. Just be aware that he will push every possible button, make accusations, do ANYTHING he can think of to try to get you to break the "no contact." It's because you have said you will no longer dance, and he is trying to get you to re-engage in the old dance. He had it the way he wanted it, and you made a choice for yourself, and now he will do anything he has to do in order to re-engage you.

Soooo...just know that's coming. When he accuses you of hurting your daughter by not allowing him to be her father, just say "That may be your opinion but mine differs greatly." When he accuses you of being b*tchy or heartless, just say "That may be your opinion but mine differes greatly." When he uses all kinds of threats (withholding money, taking custody of your kids, etc.) just know that he's trying to re-engage you. Don't fall for it!!

Okay?? You're doing good!!


FNCJ

Faithful-

I know that there are going to be pitfalls, and I'm sure that I'll want to call him. Hell I was tossing around the idea of text messaging him to tell him if he was uncomfortable with my choice of intermediary he could just text me....but then I thought "What the hell am I thinking, that's such a NON reason to call him, he's just being an [censored] not calling the intermediary"

Soooooooo, LOL. I miss him already, I admit it. I guess the few and far between times we had and the phone calls about nothing and the phone calls telling me I was going to jail, for various reasons because he was mad at something I'd done were feeding my "Addiction" on some twisted level. I'm not sure why he threatened me with jail all the time, I told him point blank I didn't give a flying crap if I went to jail or not. I threatened to put the beat down on his OW more than once....and he knew FULL WELL I didn't care one bit if I went to jail for it......Oh well, that's all been a while ago, so it's a moot point. I guess what I was trying to say is no matter how crappy the *high* was, I was apparently getting one, because I do want to talk to him.

But guess what, screw that, I'm not doing it.....I am taking it one day at a time....and today I will not talk to him, I will shut him down...today he will have no cake....we'll tackle tommorrow, tommorrow <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Caren

Okay party people, I think I might die....I feel so crappy, WHY...why do I get a cold today? Oh life is just too cruel LMAO

I think I am calling it a night, but have no fear I will be back on bright and early tommorrow, I'm going to clean the house, and I'm sure I'll want to talk to my WH a thousand times, so everytime I do you lucky dogs get to talk to me LMAO

Goodnight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Caren

Caren, stay strong! You are doing well. Have you talked with your children? You don't have to put them in the middle but you should give them instructions. You wouldn't mind telling your child not to give you the phone if it's somebody calling about a new long distance phone plan or aluminium siding or a timeshare?

Just tell them, and as soon as you can, that Mommy is not talking to Daddy. Tell them it is an adult thing. Tell them you love them. Tell them that you need the space. You probably don't want to say that this might be a way to save your marriage. Don't raise false hopes. Reassure them that THEY can talk to Daddy but they may not pass the phone off to Mommy. That's not hard. That's not putting them in the middle. That's setting boundaries.

Hope it goes well for you. I'll put you on my brand new prayer list. Maybe you can become our Plan B expert for if and when we need it.

Dear Caren,

I'm sorry you had to go to Plan B, but you are doing great. I am envious <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> LOL. I am a MB concepts failure. I know what the concepts are but I have a very hard time abiding by them. It makes me feel so stupid. Reading what you are going through is inspiring me. You are so strong and have done such a great job supporting others on this site even while dealing with your own pain.

I am sure the Lord will bless you mightily. You will be in my prayers. I actually keep everyone on this site in my prayers. Some individually, others as a blanket prayer. The Lord does hear us and is a compassionate God. He hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). You are fighting for your marriage and I believe God will honor that. The family is so under attack in this day and age.

Our church is having "Family month". Our pastor has presented so many wonderful messages about family roles, accountability of parents, etc. It just makes me cry.

Keep strong. You can do this. You are smart coming here for the support. I wish I would have been more diligent in doing so. I love how Plan B was explained in someone's post in this thread. I can't remember who posted it. But it was great. I wish I had read it when I first attempted Plan B. My WH did exactly what the poster predicted your WH will do. I just didn't deal with it properly. I know you will do better. You are getting lots of great advice.

Get some sleep and I hope you get over your cold quickly.

Here's blessings to you and a prayer for a swift positve outcome from going to Plan B.

Suzanne

Detached is when you make the move from... the feeling of losing your WS, to the feeling that your WS is losing YOU.

This is such a great quote keep reading it.

Take things one step at a time work in 15 minute intervals as FNCJ said. Do everything at these intervals clean the floor 15 minutes clean the counter 15 minutes make the beds 15 minutes okay okay i know you have not got a hotel but do you get the picture. Post on site 15 minutes go away and come back 15 minutes later.

Hell you will be so busy trying to keep this schedule up that you never know for just a scecond you might forget. I have go this mental picture of you running around from one place to another trying to keep the schedule with lots of post it notes stuck to your head to keep remembering where you are it makes me laugh.

Oh yes dont forget 15 minutes laughing.
Alright you can have 15 minutes crying too but only one of those a day.

Take care of youself caren

DONT GIVE IN
I AM WATCHING YOU
DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT
COME HERE AND POST

Dont forget to clean the tops of the doors very important to have clean tops of doors LOL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dyinghere:
<strong> Detached is when you make the move from... the feeling of losing your WS, to the feeling that your WS is losing YOU.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is IT! this is an awesome quote! I wish I had more time right now...but I will say one thing Caren...My WH had a hissy when he realized I was doing things without him and without HIS PERMISSION! I went all the way to LA with my kids WITHOUT him and without his permission! he knew then that I was in control of MY OWN situation...He saw me moving on! MY EI was so thrilled! She is tooooo funny! soooo, see now is the time to get out and do things for yourself...I have done soooo much for myself...without H knowledge or approval...I bought a new front door! He about crapped! I am making changes to the house...I am doing things that normally WE would do together...but he is not here...so I do them alone!

I grilled steaks last night, I changed 3 lightbulbs, I drove the COBRA! oooohhh weeeee, that was fun! I am having a ball...

Do I miss him....I miss my HUSBAND...I do NOT miss the WH...I do not miss the man he was for the last year! I have heard he is emerging...but only time will tell...he is working with my coach now...so good things are happening...I am still dark!

Ok, I must go now...I will email you when I return! stay strong!