Why are you not working? It will help to stay busy.

Caren, I admire your strenght and know how you feel about the withdrawls. I have been there at plan B a few times before and always flunk at it because I am too weak for my WH. So I will not give you any advice on how to do this since obviously I am not good at it. I do follow your case closely in case I end up in another attempt to plan B my WH. I am a stay at home mom that is currently looking for a job. I found a part time babysitting for a gym a few hours a week to keep my mind busy and out of trouble. Also, the extra cash comes in handy. The other thing I do to keep my mind off stuff is redecorate the house. I am running out of walls to paint.

I am also feeling miserable with a cold but since I take care of my 17 months old baby I can not "drug" myself and sleep it out. HOpe you feel better soon.

I really wish you good luck in this. Love

What do you like to read, Caren?

Go to the public library and get something entertaining. Costs nothing, calms the mind, entertains...

Caren, you've just started, so we'll cut you some slack, but you have to become unfocused on your H. This plan might not bring him back, remember? You might wind up divorced. Prepare to live on your own. Take that preparation seriously as his frantic attempts to contact you taper off, which they probably will.

GC

Caren..again I want to commend you on your strength, but I have a 2x4 that may or may not apply. In fact I may get a few of my own.

Here goes. I know that Plan B is supposed to be about the BS, but if you continue to harbor such hateful, spiteful feeling towards your WH, how in the world are you going to want him to come home to you even if he meets the requirements of the Plan B. Calling your WH weirdo a*$, idiot, ect ect only serves to fuel ill will and bad emotions.
If you are trying to let go and move on, I understand the need to do that. but if you want to save the marriage you will need to soften the anger a little bit. Otherwise if he does come home it will be a lot easier for you to get angry and let a "you f*#(%& a#*hole" fly, because you have become so accustomed to saying it.

I may be way off, but its just an observation. Keep venting but don't lose the love if thats what you want.

*Sigh* I actually talk like that on a regular basis, so if I called my husband a weirdo [censored], he wouldn't think anything about it.....it's usually just kidding.

Maybe I will go to the library....but the library is sorta a trigger for me, because the OW's house is like 1/2 a block away....okay, no, I'm not going to the library. I know I'll make some pointless drive past her house.

This is only day 4 of Plan B, and in days 1 and 2, I broke and talked to him. Yesterday, no contact at all. Today....No contact at all.

This is hard, I was doing pretty good mentally yesterday, everything was looking up. But today I'm just depressed. I miss him, I really miss him, I haven't cried about my situation in weeks.....but I'm bawling right now. I know this is what I have to do but it hurts and I also know this feeling will pass....but right now I'm all alone, the kids are at school. I can't go to the doctor to get on my new anti-D's until Monday...then it'll take a while for those to kick in.

I just feel so profoundly sad and alone. I am supposed to be cleared to go back to work the 21st which is Monday.....I don't think I'll actually work Monday, because they're going to have to work me back into the schedule, and I only work 3 days a week as it is, 3-12 hour shifts. I'm also worried about that, I mean people are going to ask me questions about why I was out, what was wrong with me....etc. I almost feel like getting a new fricken job, but I do love what I do, it doesn't really make much money......I don't know, I started there because it was going to be my "in" when I got my nursing degree....but I quit going to school when the sh*t hit the proverbial fan, and I honestly don't know if I can face these people. I really don't know what to do.

-Caren

Caren:

I tried to stay busy doing different things. It was important for me to get out of the house. Are there hobbies/crafts that you have always wanted to try? I tried a photography class and a book group at Barnes and Noble also gardening. None of these activities particularly worked for me but the process of trying different things did. Again, it's important to stay busy. Almost forgot... I really got into New Age music (Windham Hill) which I found to be calming and soothing.

What about going back to school as you were considering?

Caren - just wanted to tell you how much I care about what you are going thru, and I can empathize. I'm so sorry this had to happen.

I worry about you a lot, but I know you can kick this thing! Best advice is: get busy! I know that's virtually impossible while depressed, but it's the fix!

You'll make it - you will. All of us are here behind you, all of us want this to work the very best for you - and it will, no matter what, turn out for good.

Besides, I think I'm next in line for Plan B and I may need your help and 2x4s to get me thru it.....

David

<small>[ February 16, 2005, 05:30 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

Okay, so the day was calm, all day.....I was depressed, but writing in my journal helped.

I took a shower, got make up on, went and picked DD10 up from school @ 2:35, brought her home she watched cartoons for a while.
*********************************************
Last night a friend of mine stopped over, yes it is a male friend.....but it's nothing like that, I've know him for years, and there is NO attraction there, he was only here for like 15 minutes, he's an art teacher, and also does charicatures (Sp?), so the whole time he's here the kids have him drawing their charicatures, so he said "Whelp, I'm outta here, take care" I said "Later" and he left.
***********************************************
So DD10 asks me if I have any money because there is a book fair at school tommorrow, well no, no I don't, I'm broke. So I said, well call your Dad and ask him for the money. So she calls and asks him, and he said "Why doesn't your Mom have any money?" She said "No" So he said yes he could probably give her a couple dollars. He said "How are you going to get it?" She said "Mom, Daddy wants to know how I'm going to get it" I said "I don't know" I said I guess I can take you over there, and park in the parking lot and you can go in. She told him that, he said "Tell her to just pull up out front" I said "no" So I said I'd pull up beside the end of the building, because he was at his shop alone today, so I felt fairly sure that he couldn't walk away from the shop. Then she said "Daddy...guess what?!?!" She said "I got my charicature done!!!!" He must have asked her where and all that stuff...she said "Mommy's friend Jason did it for me" then he must have asked where and she said "He came over to our house and did it" (I'm think Oh fantastic, he's going to flip the hell out on that one), but he just says to come up and get the money.

So I wait until I have to pick up DD13 from school, she had to stay after to work on her math because she's failing everything....so I pick her up at 5:00pm and I go over to the shopping center where his shop is, I pull way to the end of the building that is 4 stores away from his, and let her out, watch her walk in, she's in there for a few minutes, I have my side mirror cocked so I can see her when she comes out....I'm a freak about thinking my kids are going to be abducted...so I see her come out, and she stays out there a Looooong time talking to him, then I see her walking towards the car....and guess who's following her? Abandoning the freaking shop just to walk up to my car. I had my Plan B Letter in hand, didn't even look at him, I didn't say a word, I handed it to him through a crack in the window, and I drove away with him standing there.

So when I get home.....the phone starts ringing...Oh guess who. I won't let the kids answer it, I said "Remember, we're letting the machine get it" So the machine picks up the call and he says "DD10.....DD10....answer the phone" I of course turned the machine down, but not before she heard him. So she takes the phone and calls him back. He talks to her for a second, and then says "Mommy......" I said "I am not talking on the phone right now" She said "He said you better answer the phone or he's coming over here" I said "Well I'm not letting him in" he said "Oh you tell her I'll get in one way or another". So I said "Here give me the phone, I walked up the stairs and hung it up. So he calls back again...again he's calling for DD10 on the machine, you can't mute this piece of sh*t answering machine, you can only turn it down, so it's down as low as it'll go, but she can still hear her Dad calling for her to pick up the phone and he says DD10 pick up the phone, I don't care what your Mom says. So I don't let her pick the phone up, but per my rule, she can call him back, so she does Again he asks to talk to me, and again I say no.....she's following me around going Mommy....talk to him DON'T HANG UP! I said "What?!" He starts babbling something I don't even know what it was, but I repeated the Plan B mantra and hung up" So he calls back again and again tries to get her to pick up, I won't let her, so she calls him back, and he says "Tell your Mom not to cash that state check, or I will say she forged my signature" She tells me, I don't say a word, then he says "Tell her I'll see her tonight" She said "He says he'll see you tonight" I didn't say a word and she said "She said Okay" and she said I love you and hung up. I said "Why did you tell him I said Okay??????" She said "I don't know"

So FANTASTIC.....he's going to be beating the hell out of my door when he get's off of work...I can't leave, my daughter is babysitting for a 1 year old and I don't have a car seat. I tried to call the mother and tell her she needs to come and pick up her son, and all I'm getting is her voice mail, so I keep sending the voice mail as URGENT!!!! But she hasn't called back.

Is he losing his f*cking mind?!? What is his damage????!!!!!

I swear to God I will call the police if he is gonna stand there and beat on my door.....or maybe I should call the OW and ask her to please remove her boyfriend from my porch.

-Caren

Caren - dang!

The words "Restraining Order" keep going thru my mind. He is virtually stalking you, using the kids against you, he is HURTING YOU STILL. Do what it takes to make your family SAFE, hon!

It's NOT YOUR H OUT THERE DOING THIS - ITS AN ALIEN!


David

<small>[ February 16, 2005, 05:37 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

Caren, yikes. I wish your family could help you out here.

How badly do you need this answering machine? It's causing you no end of trouble. Why not just unhook the freakin' thing?

GC

Caren:

Read over your post again.


Is there anything you would have done differently.


You are maintaining contact with him, if not consciously, you are setting this up subconsciously. I know, I have been there. I know all the ways to fail at PLAN B.

PLAN B involves TOTAL DARKNESS!! That would mean arranging your life so that he has no means to contact you and you do not see him. It's a complete NO-NO for you to go to his place of work.

I'm concerned that your daughter is getting triangled into this as a means of communication between the two of you.

Aren't you supposed to have a mediator?

There could have be other means for her to get money. Did she really have to get a book at the book fair? That's not essential. What will help her more, in the long run, is for her parents to be living together.

Also, was it a good idea to have a male friend over during this time?

Caren, you've got to be serious and careful about this. There's too much drama going on here.

My mediator is my sister....and she's a stupid [censored], and I need to find a new one....SHE'S NEVER HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I guess, for all intensive purposes I'm mediatorless.

As for the male friend, no, it wasn't a good idea for him to come over, but he just stopped by unannounced, he just wanted to see how I was as my Mom in all her wisdom told him about when I was hospitalized for the suicide thing...it was perfectly innocent, and he only stayed long enough to do a charicature of DD10 and DD13, then he said, Okay...gotta go. Had he called and asked, I would have told him that under the circumstances it wasn't a good idea...but he didn't. I will tell him that it's a bad idea for him to stop over here anymore at all.........

No it wasn't monumentally important for my daughter to get a book at the bookfair, BUT....we are poor....poor, poor.....and she rarely get's to get the things the other kids get, like she usually can't go to the school skating parties because I can't afford it, or go to kid's birthday parties, because I can't afford a gift....and she has no flippin Dad living here...I thought I could do this without him approaching me because he was in the shop alone, and he never walks away from it if he's alone. I wasn't even in viewing range of his shop.

I don't subconsciously want this...I really don't....if he doesn't dump the b*tch, then I don't want anything to do with him.

I'm so screwed. I don't know who else I can get to be a mediator, I chose her because he would find her the least *threatening* I thought he would actually talk to her......like my Mom would be all judgemental, and his Mom is too nervous to be involved, and any of my friends would just be trying to carry dirt back and forth.....my sister is pretty mousy, and she's apparently never home so I guess she was a really bad choice....I don't have anyone else <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I really am trying to do this right. I guess the next time he starts doing the barrage of phone calls I will turn the machine off.....but if he doesn't get an answer he'll BE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the hell is he trying to do here? What is he trying to accomplish?!?!

Should I call the police when he comes??? Should I call his stupid OW and tell her to come get him off of my porch?!?!?!

I need to fricken move to Zimbabwe.

-Caren

Yep, Caren. He's going to use the kids to get to you, no question. Don't let him! Need a signature on a check? Give it to your sister and have her contact him.

Also, your poor little DD10 needs to be told she mustn't try and persuade you to talk to WH on the phone. You can't have her on the phone with WH, bugging you to talk to him, with him on the other end of the line listening to the whole thing. Too close, waaaaay too close. Bookmobile money? Not important enough.

I'm sure you've told the children that you cannot see or talk to their father right now. Once they believe that you mean it, I think you won't have these little dramas. I think they'll learn.

You're doing great Caren, but you're getting sucked in by practical, logistical things that don't really matter.

GC

I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out....this is such crap...why can't he just leave me alone?! Why can't he just either do what's in the letter or leave me the hell alone?!?!?!

I don't want to see him, I don't want to talk to him.........I want him to go away!!!!!

I don't deserve this, he's having sex with some other woman.....that he supposidly wants to divorce me for, but he can't just leave me the [censored] alone???!!!!

Is calling the OW breaking my Plan B???? Can't I call her and tell her to get him to back the hell off of me?@!?!?!?!

-Caren

Detached is when you make the move from... the feeling of losing your WS, to the feeling that your WS is losing YOU---Well he apparently feels like he's losing me....and he's losing his damn mind in the process.

<small>[ February 16, 2005, 06:13 PM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]</small>

OK just calm down...

the reality is...the true reality is...this does not have to be some huge drawn out drama...

this is a blip in the bumpy ride of plan B...

in theory and on paper..plan b is smoothe sailing...
in reality it is exactly what you are experiencing...

human nature and the escalation of behaviors..his and yours....

NO police
NO restraining order...

meet this head on...and give it up..

today
this night...
Plan B is a bust....
you are going to have contact....
there's always tomorrow and the next day and the next...

so how are you going to get through this tiny tiny blip in plan B...

what time does he get off work?

what time do you expect him?

Will daughter be awake
or will she be in bed....

will the one year old still be there....

tell us how this contact will occur..and we can figure out a plan that is least damaging to ALL parties...

ark

Caren,

You are STRONG!!!!!!!

It is hard but you are an amazing woman!!!!
Keep it up
Keep it up
Keep it up
Keep it up
Keep it up

Come on you can do it!!!! PLAN BBBBB!!!!

I am so weak that I would welcome any call from my WH if we were on plan B. I know me. YOU are strong and you have done a great job.
Don't let yourself down now.
You will do it.


Suzy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK just calm down...

the reality is...the true reality is...this does not have to be some huge drawn out drama...

this is a blip in the bumpy ride of plan B...

in theory and on paper..plan b is smoothe sailing...
in reality it is exactly what you are experiencing...

human nature and the escalation of behaviors..his and yours....

NO police
NO restraining order...

meet this head on...and give it up..

today
this night...
Plan B is a bust....
you are going to have contact....
there's always tomorrow and the next day and the next...

so how are you going to get through this tiny tiny blip in plan B...

what time does he get off work?

what time do you expect him?

Will daughter be awake
or will she be in bed....

will the one year old still be there....

tell us how this contact will occur..and we can figure out a plan that is least damaging to ALL parties...

ark </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He get's off work @ 9 pm he works maybe 3 miles away, so 15 minutes tops after he closes the shop...he should be here by 9:15pm....no DD10 won't be in bed yet....yes the 1 year old will still be here.....his Mom is supposed to be here around the same time as WH.....She said she'd "TRY" to be home sooner (She's shopping...I'm like okay, if it were my baby, I'd be here RIGHT NOW picking him up).

It's really hard to calm down......he's making me nuts.

What is he trying to prove? That's what I want to know....if you want the OW go the hell and be with her.....what is difficult about that?!?!

-Caren

Caren,

I have the utmost respect for you. You have given me so much good advice so I know you have a good head on your shoulders.

You are not alone. We are all praying for you. You will get through this. Your WH is doing this to you NOT you to him.

Keith

Caren, calm down and take a breath. Like Ark said this is just a blip in your plan B. If I were you I would go into a mini plan A mode when he comes over. Be pleasant, not happy to see him, but pleasant. I would act surprised to see him, let him in to see DD and put on a pleasant face for the sake of your DD. You can explain it to her later why you can't see or talk to her dad. {{Caren}} you are going to be ok, it is not the end of plan B. It sounds like you are getting to him, he is not able to cake eat anymore.

ark^^ what's the point of her HAVING to have contact tonight? He will just keep it up as long as it is allowed. How is she going to stop him from pounding on the door, waking the neighbors, scaring the kids, USING the kids because he's never grown up enough to act human?

You work thru things in a rational fashion:

Plan B - NO COMMUNICATION EXCEPT UNDER PRE-AGREED CONDITIONS. If this guy doesn't grow up soon he's going to traumatize his own children seriously. This is ridiculous. Caren should be safe in her home. He knows the conditions of the letter.

What is your answer? Maybe tomorrow he'll somehow act differently? Not if he gets the results he wants whenever he wants them.

And think about Caren - how hard must this be?

I'd call the damned police and have him towed away for disturbing the peace. There would be 'contact' but he would get the dammed message.

Maybe now is not a good time for me to be posting, I just got blindsided by WW AGAIN, but you got my post anyway

Caren - I'm pulling for you. You ARE strong

David