</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CarenMc:
<strong> Detached is when you make the move from... the feeling of losing your WS, to the feeling that your WS is losing YOU...............he is losing me, the way I felt last night, and am still feeling today, he is losing me............I have to stop this hemmorage of my love bank.

-Caren </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There you go hon. That's what I meant when I waid you'd be fine. You will make it. You will be fine, regardless of the outcome. I know firsthand rightnow what that heartbreak is, and I know that everyone says it will get better. I believe that. I trust that you will do the right thing, and that you are strong. Along with everyone else here, I care about you, and personally I am drawing strength from what you are going thru.

My prayers are with you, my thoughts are with you, my fears and hopes are with you. You are in God's hands and going the right direction.

David

StillHereMakingIt-

I hadn't described the "love bank" theory to my kids, they are 10 and 13 (The 19 year old could care less...LOL). But that's a good idea.

David-

You are going to go to plan B soon? David, are you ready?! I thought I was a rock.........I was not. I ended up being a wishy washy sponge. I think I'm solidifying.

I don't know how to prepare you for it...I honestly don't know what to tell you.....I'm one of the strongest people I know, and I caved.

You're an emotional guy David, you need to ask some others on here......to help fortify you for the battle your WW will wage on you.

-Caren

My daily horoscope that is sent to me in my e-mail everyday is frightening sometimes...here's todays.

Caren,
It's time for you to buckle down and break through whatever has been resisting your forward motion. Even if you feel somewhat out of sorts emotionally, you need to regain your balance before something else comes along to block your path. Don't give up and play the part of a martyr. Use determination and hard work to see you through.

-Caren

My daily horoscope that is sent to me in my e-mail everyday is frightening sometimes...here's todays.
********************************************
Caren,
It's time for you to buckle down and break through whatever has been resisting your forward motion. Even if you feel somewhat out of sorts emotionally, you need to regain your balance before something else comes along to block your path. Don't give up and play the part of a martyr. Use determination and hard work to see you through.

********************************************
I talked to the youth minister at the church today, she and her husband are either divorce or divorcing. I told her about MB in an e-mail I had sent her, and she wanted more information on it, because she is interested in it for the church. (This is not the baptist church I've been attending, it is the church I grew up in, and will most likely go back to, the pastor of the Baptist church is FANTASTIC, he's a wonderful person, but the the congregation is a little wild for me, I didn't grow up with people jumping up and saying AMEN! And that sort of thing, and I think...that's great that they feel that....but I don't, I don't think this is the right church for me). I said, in a newsletter I received from the MB site, they were talking about having their marriage builders weekends at churches...so I sent her the site, and I signed her up for the newsletter.

She said "Caren, I understand that you want to save your marriage, you have to do what you feel is necessary, you have to find peace." She said "I'm glad you're doing this Plan B thing, because your husband is sinning, and you don't need that in your house. Would you let a drug addict into your house around your kids? No.....so you don't need to let you husband who is participating in this evil into your house."

-Caren

Caren,

Sorry for the backstep. Did you notice when you gave in and communicated with him and had SF that is when you felt the pain?

What you are feeling is the self inflicted pain of a BS who tries to use plan B to manipulate a plan. Out of this, you are the one left hurting. I am sorry to see you suffer so.

Now this c/b a big lesson for you NOT to do it again. Remember, plan B is to help you. When you initiate communication with the WS such as you did you did more than break your original plan B (though you did take yourself out of it for 1 week), you also thought you were strong enough to handle the communication. Maybe you could have handled the talk but you set yourself up by going over his place. Don't do that again. ok?

As Ark said, make a plan. Make a plan that keeps Caren and Brooklyn safe. Don't go trying to be a hero and take bold steps into the A den. Most of the time, when a BS steps into the lair of the A (aka: WS' other place), the BS gets burned.

This has happened to many of us. Or the BS invites the WS over with the hope that SF w/b ok but as you saw, it was not. So SF in itself is not the fixer uppper.

Caren, he isn't ready to come home. But he is talking more. That's an improvement. When you bounce back, you are getting stronger at identifying your boundaries so that is also a big improvement. Now you have to make YOUR actions match your good and strong words.

This w/b the hard part for you. So don't make statements you may regret. Instead make general statements that leave him wondering what you mean and leave the door open for YOU to make changes as needed.

EX (when plan B has been executed for a while, then WS' starts showing steps he is becoming an Xws and you decide to allow some contact):

WS: (WS leaves a note or used another agreed communication tool) BS, I have dropped off the items you requested last week. I am working on getting your car scheduled for repair work tomorrow. Please let me know if this is ok.

BS: (BS responds vis same communication tool): Thanks for those items, tomorrow for the car w/b fine.

.....4 days later another communication via same method:

WS: I arranged for my check t/d direct deposited into our bank account. Please let me know what else our family needs. Also Caren, I would appreciate it if you could please find the time to talk with me for a few minutes. I really miss you and the children. I have been doing some serious thinking and would like to discuss some of it with you. I feel very messed up right now and cry at anytime. I am not sure what to do with myself but I know this is not the place I want to be. Sorry for the rambling but I know I have to ask you for this 1 favor. Please let me know.

Luv,
Xws

BS: (what is the BS t/d?).

BTW, I teared up just writing this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Think about it, No SF or manipulation. The BS receives the communication on the set items (ie: $$, business, mail and children), then keeps communicaion to that minimum. It is only IF the WS is changing to the Xws that the BS sees changes. Any attempts by the BS to force changes before that, could result in a backlash hurting the BS even more.

BS does not have to do much after establishing the boundaries. Make sure they are reasonable. Then the BS has to keep busy with other things.

Life does go on. Remember plan B is for you.

take care,
L.

Caren:

I agree with Orchid and MM about how PLAN B is for the BS.

However, I want to fess up to you so that you won't feel alone. I never ever really felt good in PLAN B. I hated it the whole while. It was better than what I was doing in enabling the A. However, I never had chance to get over the painful withdrawal.

Just wanted to share that I understand the pain that you are feeling. Told myself I just had to continue to go through it, no other choice, just like a labor pain.

I failed more than one time. I had SF with WH towards the end of PLAN B..... I just got right back up on the horse again and here I am......

Mimi-

Can you post a link to your Plan B ups and downs? I feel like an idiot.

Although, Brooklyn needs money again, today for a present for a birthday party tommorrow. So I called my Mom and said "Do you have a minute to run Brooklyn over to Mark's shop to get money for a birthday present? She didn't want to, said she had plans...etc, etc, but finally agreed if I HURRIED and had her call Mark.

So I had her call him, he said he could give her a little bit, and my Mom and Dad just picked her up and took her to get it....cutting me out of the equation....better, yeah?

Why don't you think this is going to be one of our longer Plan B's???? My brain is mush...I'll re-read the posts, but can you tell me what makes you think that?

StillHereMakingIt-
I explained the love "gumball" machine to her...she laughed...I said "When two people first fall in love, they have a whole gumball machine full of gumballs, and then sometimes things happen and they lose some of their gumballs, and they separate like your Daddy and I. Well Mommy is going back to not talking to or seeing Daddy, because I don't have very many gumballs left, and I have to save the ones I have in case we ever would get back together. I said "Everytime I have to talk to your Daddy, or see your Daddy knowing that he has a girlfriend, it makes me lose gumballs, and if I run out of gumballs, I won't want to be married to your Daddy anymore" I said "That's why I have to do this, I have to save the gumballs I have" She said "Oh, okay, I understand now." Thanks for that analogy. (I should tell the Lauren (DD13) the same thing, just so I can watch her roll her eyes about me using a gumball machine of love as an example LOL!!)

I tried yet again to get ahold of my sister, so I could have her tell Mark that when he has Brooklyn tommorrow night, that I have plans (I'm going to try to find someone to go play bingo with....I suck at bingo, but I can't just sit around here) and tell her not to bring her home until 11pm (That's over extending how long Bingo is going to be, but heck lets make my life look exciting..LMAO).

She was the ********* choice of an intermediary I can even think of.....she's not home, and she's not answering her cell.

If I left a message on his answering machine, would that be breaking plan B? I mean I obviously don't know what the heck I'm doing. Arrrrgh why oh why can't my sister just be normal and be somewhere that someone could reach her *sigh*

-Caren

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 09:34 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Caren:

I found one of my early posts soon after D-Day. I'm busy at work right now and will look for more later. This lets you know how far I have come. This was from January 03.

MIMI1254:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just got this cell phone call from my WS.

WS (Crying): "You need to go ahead and give me up. I just can't do right. I came to (city) and talked to (good friend) for a little while and I am so embarassed."

Me: "I'm not going to give you up. I made a vow for life."

WS: "You're such a good person. You don't deserve this."

Me: "Tell me the truth. I'm not going to get mad. Are you with her?"

WS: "No, I'm NOT with her."

Me: "I went by her house and she is not home."

WS: (softly) "I'm not with her"

Me: "Then I'll come to you".

WS: "No what I really need to do is to come to you to talk".

Me: "I want you to really come. Don't wait until tomorrow. I'll worry."

WS: "If I'm not there in an hour and a half, then I'll see you tomorrow"

Me: "Please call me if you are not coming."

Hang up. His cell phone is turned off.

OK, You Guys. What's going on? This is different. He's acknowledging that what he is doing is wrong. I guess because he did not have any justification for leaving today. Thursday night absolutely would not talk about the A. I had found out about the apartment.

What's my response either tonight or in the morning? Do I explain to him the MB principals-- that he is in a fog, like an alcoholic, etc. Steve Harley told me a "teacher can't teach if there are no students". Is he ready to learn?

We have the issue of me being too much of a know-it-all.

I think I should be there for him to help him through the pain. Wonder if he really is with the OW? What has been her contribution to this?

I want to hear YOUR THOUGHTS AND SUGGESTIONS.

What a roller-coaster ride!!!!

--------------------
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Okay, so my sister finally called me back a fricken hour ago, I said WHY CAN I NEVER GET AHOLD OF YOU? I can't even remember her lame answer, anyway, I said, "Can you please call Mark @ Work and ask him when he'll be picking up Brooklyn tommorrow night, and tell him that he can drop her back off about 11pm, because I have plans?" She said "Okay" I said "Okay then call me back. So she calls him, then calls me back, she said I called up there and he said "XXXX Pets" She said "Hey Mark this is your sister-in-law/go between lol" She said he didn't say anything, so she said "Caren was wondering what time you will be picking Brooklyn up tommorrow night?" She said he paused and didn't say anything for a sec, then he said "When I get off work." She said "What time will that be 6?" He said "Probably around 6:30" she said "Okay, well Caren wanted me to let you know not to drop her off until 11 pm because she's got plans" ....she said "Caren I swear he didn't say anything for what felt like 30 seconds" then he said "Okay..." then she hung up with him.....she said "He must be mad that you have plans or something" I said "Who knows....he's actually calling right now on the other line." I said "Well thanks for calling him" She said "No problem" and I got off the phone with her.

He calls back, Brooklyn lets the machine get it, then calls him back and says "Hi Daddy!!" She said "No......the birthday party isn't until tommorrow morning"...then she says "I don't think we're doing anything tonight" Then she says "Mommy....." With the phone in her hand outstretched to me, I shook my head no, and she said "It's not my fault, he asked to talk to you!!" I shook my head no again, and she said "She said no".....they talked about something else, I dunno, she walked out of the room, and never said another word to me.

My guess? He's FUMING that I had my sister call, he's fighting this intermediary thing like I've said "Hey...taste this bubonic plague".....That's why he called so quickly....before I even had a chance to get off the phone with my sister, and that phone call lasted about 2 minutes. He'll probably be drilling Brooklyn about my *Plans*, but I'm not telling her what I'm doing either.....the answer I always got, and he still gives Brooklyn is "I'm just gonna be out running around"....So guess what? I'm just going to be out running around!!!!!!

Yes, I believe it's getting to him again already, because I've gone DARK DARK, not taking his calls, not having my daughter tell him anything for me, had my parents take her to pick up the money, had my sister call to make the arrangements for tommorrow, and also him having no idea what my plans are. He doesn't need to know.

I'm getting ready to go to the store, and go back to radio shack. My kids lost the charger for the cell phone, I have looked all over the house, I went to Radio Shack and bought a new one, and it doesn't work AT ALL.....so I don't know what the deal is....but they're either giving me back my $$ or they're giving me a new charger and they're testing it IN THE STORE! I also have to go take my daughter to buy the b-day present for her friend, her Dad...who got paid today, could only afford to give her $6.00 for a present....and this b-day party is @ 10AM-12....what the heck kind of time is that?! It's a skating party...WAKE up!! Now skate!! LOL I was thinking I'd get to sleep in...Yeah right...I sleep a whole lot...I wish....actually I do sleep, I just wake up a thousand times a night and then get up about 4am, stay up until about 6, and then go back to sleep for a while.

Mimi hurry up and get home from work!!! LOL

I can never look up anyone's old thread's because the search feature on here only goes back like 30 days.....and you high posters....who have posted in the thousands of times...you can't see any of the older posts because the search feature stops @ 300 posts......I've tried to look up Mortarmans before...to no avail, also it lists EVERYTHING you've ever posted on not just your own posts...so it's a ******, ******search feature.

-Caren

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 09:36 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He'll probably be drilling Brooklyn about my *Plans*, but I'm not telling her what I'm doing either.....the answer I always got, and he still gives Brooklyn is "I'm just gonna be out running around"....So guess what? I'm just going to be out running around!!!!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HI Caren,
I've been following your thead... hang tuff, OK?

Can you get 'all dressed up' before your DD leaves? If he's going to grill her, she'll say, 'I dont know, but she sure smelled good and she was wearing a DRESS!'

I wish you strength... Take care - Dru

LMAO I don't even own a dress...I'm a jeans and t-shirt kinda girl, not to mention, I have no dress clothes of any kind that fit anymore because of the infidelity diet I've gone from a size 10 to a size 3/4. I've been wearing jeans to church...and I only have like 3 pairs of those.

-Caren

Why don't you think this is going to be one of our longer Plan B's???? My brain is mush...I'll re-read the posts, but can you tell me what makes you think that?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I guess what they mean by that is that your WH is showing more classic signs than others which means your plan B might work faster to end the affair. So dont blow your chance!!

My WH never called and become desperate like yours. In fact he plan B'ed me!!! He agreed to stop contacting me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

At this stage your brain is mushy and you will not be able to think straight and do the right thing (BS fog). In fact you will be desperate to do anything and you will usually do the wrong thing.

Puhhhhlease...get feedback from the experts here before you take any actions when it concerns your WH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, my reimplimented plan B (Today) LMAO, is going okay....woo hoo Caren has officially made 12 hours of zero contact!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm such a [censored]!!!!

I KNOW he must think he's gonna be able to bulldoze me again, but I can't feel like I felt yesterday...not ever again...I've actually thought up more things for my list of things that have got to be different....but I think I probably should stick to what I have right now, and approach the rest at a later time....

Like, when we discussed if we got back together, he didn't want to move out of his house...OMG, it was fricken triggerville in that house...I don't know if I can live there. I was having a meltdown just sleeping there for 2 hours, so I'm thinking I may not be able to live there....I guess I could burn it down, that'd solve the problem LMAO.

What else, his job, yeah.....he's not willing to quit his job...she doesn't work with him, but she works very close. I thought the stupid thing was going out of business....but NOOOOO someone else bought it...those b@stards LMAO....so I don't know what to do about that. I don't know I may have to pull some strings and get her transferred....my best friends future MIL is in the family that owns the store she works for, so I may be able to get that taken care of....if he won't quit, I'll move her.

I realize I'm thinking way too far ahead, but I believe that if I stop being a dolt that we will eventually reconcile.

He DOES NOT want me with another man....it's okay for him, not so much for me, I don't want to be with another man....I want to be with my husband, BUT this is a worry for him. He's even made a comment that I'm going to find someone to date at church LOL!!! Yeah, cuz guys at church are trolling for married chicks.

I know this Plan B is for me...I know this, now more than EVER before.....but I will *get* to him inadvertantly every chance I get, i.e. my daughter calls him every night before she goes to sleep.......well she fell asleep on the couch watching TV....guess who's not reminding her to call her father and tell him goodnight? Not my job......and that boys and girls is going to kick his @ss, not being able to tell his punkin goodnight.....that his punkin forgot to call him, well now, if you were with your family, you'd have been able to tell your punkin goodnight...so SUFFER.

-Caren

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 09:40 PM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]</small>

La la la, I hate the weekends, stop having lives it's p*ssing me off......la la la la la. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

-Caren

HEY!

STOP making me LAFF with all the phunny stuff, would ya, please?!

I'm supposed to be wallowing in my misery here... sheeesh!

Mark called @ like 11:20 last night, answering machine picks up, he says "Somebody answer the phone............" Of course no one does, only DD19 and I are awake....and DD19 is on the cell phone talking long distance to her flavor of the month cyber guy. (She can't seem to sustain real life boyfriends very long...I think cyber guys are safer to her--safer as in you don't have to invest as much)

She's standing there staring at me going "Mom...let me on the computer....MOM! Let me on the computer" Because she wants to get off the phone and talk to him via web cam. (At least I've seen him on web cam.....he's not a 40 year old alcoholic or anything...he's like 18-19...and he looks way too little to axe murder anyone...LMAO she has more to worry about me axe murdering someone) Okay...I digress.....So I comply with her demands because I should get DD10 up to bed. I wake her up and she wanders into the kitchen (This child is SO out of it when you wake her up she doesn't know what she's doing) I said "Honey, what are you doing?" She said "Do you have the phone?" Yes....that's right, she was groggy as heck, and yet remembered that she wanted to call her Daddy.....damn it. So I take her upstairs, and she gets in bed, I hand her the phone and she pages through the caller ID until she gets to his number, and hit's call....I don't know what he's asking her, but she's like "No, in bed, no......I don't know, Yes....Yes....I SAID YES! I don't know....Okay, Goodnight, I love you, Mwah (they're phone kiss), God Bless you, okay Goodbye"

It would do me no good to ask her what he was drilling her about, and I'm still recording their calls (I know...I know...but God knows what he's saying to her)so, I listen to the tape. He's like "DD10....I tried to call you a while ago (it'd been MAYBE 10 minutes between the time he called and when she called back), didn't you hear the phone?" She said "No" He said "What....where are you? I can barely hear you" She said "In bed" He said "Did Mommy wake you up to call me?" She said "no" He said "why didn't you call me when you went to bed" She said "I don't know" He said "I can barely hear you WHERE ARE YOU?! Did Mommy wake you up to call me?" She said "Yes" He said "What?!" She said "Yes" He said "DD10!! What's going on? Did Mommy wake you up to call me?!" She said "I SAID YES!" "Why didn't you call me before you went to sleep?" She said "I don't know" Then the rest was the "Goodnight I love you God bless you stuff".

Okay don't know what all the WHERE are you stuff was about, he has caller ID, so he knew she was home.....so unless he thought I had her locked in a closet I don't know why he was drilling her about that. She never told him she fell asleep on the couch, so now he's probably thinking I wouldn't let her call or something...LMAO, he draws odd conclusions when left to his own devices....suffice to say he sounded VERY AGGITATED.

Okay now for this evening. I don't know whether to be gone already when he comes to pick her up or not, because I can't have the "mediator" do this, my sister IS NOT a good babysitter....she never even stays home with her own kids and has a little *pain killer* problem.....nothing that takes her out of commission, but she's not real *reliable* for anything like that....but she is the mousiest person in the world and I know that WH wouldn't be afraid to talk to her, I just wanted her for the communication part. I think DD19 will be off of work by then...but I hate for DD10 to leave when I'm not here, I like to kiss her goodbye and stuff....I instructed him to wait in the car.....but he's getting really agitated again, so not sure he'll comply with that......any suggestions? I KNOW he'll walk her to the door when he brings her home....It'll be 11 pm.....ain't no way he's letting her walk the 10 feet from the driveway to the door at 11pm alone....he's a freak about that stuff, even though I said I'd wait for her at the door, and I will. So I guess if he does approach the door I'll just say "Thank you...Goodbye" and shut the door in his face if he tries to engage me further...or have another one of my million plan B copies and hand him that. (BTW that's gonna start p*ssing him off too...I can envision him starting to rip them up because I keep handing them to him LMAO).

I know that I shouldn't be analyzing this all so much, but I just put my thoughts down on here...it's just mental regurg, but I know this is again getting to him already. My sister calling him yesterday really burned his biscuits, on top of the fact that instead of his normal 9-9:30 time frame he usually brings her home (In plan A I didn't care, because after he'd come in and watch a movie and end up spending the night...but now....it's all bidness...LOL). And the fact that I have these "Mysterious running around plans" LMFAO Yeah, I think I'm gonna go to a movie with my friend next door, I don't think I can afford bingo...it's like 20 bucks to play, and I'm a loser baby....so why don't you kill me (Beck song)....which basically means I've NEVER won at bingo, not even one time, so I might as well wipe my butt with the 20 dollars. I am going to go see a funny movie, I thought about a scary one...like "Constantine" but I don't want to see a scary movie with another chick LMAO! So I think I may go see either "Meet the fockers" or "Hitch". I need a few good laughs <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-Caren

<small>[ February 19, 2005, 07:15 AM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]</small>

Caren - I found this quote on another thread by tqt and I just thought of you.

"All-too-recently, I've finally come to REALLY understand just how erratic this rollercoaster can be -- and I've ALMOST learned how to NOT react based on my emotions, because I know my feelings will likely change in the next 2 to 200 minutes".

YOu are sooo funny - do you realise that. Your posts always make me laugh. I'd like to be your friend in real life but I don't think I'd get a word in edgeways! Your WH knows there is never a dull moment whilst you're in his world. Keep your distance. He needs you. I'm sure of it. TT

TT-

Why thank you. Yes, I do tend to suck the air out of a room in real life too, no one ever does get a word in edgewise. You should see me when I'm not on Xanax LMFAO!!!!!!!! I'm really off the hook. I'm spastic on depressants, when I'm off of 'em I am like the energizer bunny on crack!!!

-Caren<----------Medicated for your protection

Okay....all you people who aren't reading any of my posts...I just wanted to notify you that I will be gone for like 20 minutes to go pick up my DD10 at her b-day/skating party....I am in purple fleece pajama pants with monkey faces all over them and a blue lumberjackish plaid zip up coat thing....I haven't even brushed my hair, it's up in a 1/2 ponytail 1/2 bun thing.....I am SMOKIN' HOT looking right now, so if I don't come back for say an hour, it's because someone just couldn't resist my ravishing beauty......just warning you, I'm sure you'll read this 3 days from now and it'll all be a moot point. But I just thought I'd let you know.....

LMAO

-Caren

Okay DD10 just talked to her Dad on the phone, she wants her haircut and I'm broke....so she calls and asks him, he says "Tell your Mom to take you she has money" She said "No she doesn't I already asked her" He said "Well ask her how she's going out tonight if she doesn't have any money"...so she asks I said "I'm just going out running around" (Mwah ha ha...that's what he always tells/told me) So she tells him that, and he said "Ohhhh" I should've said I was going to "Phil's house" LMAO...He always told me he was going to some guy named Phil's house....someone I'd never met, and he wouldn't tell me where he lived, but he was going there EVERYNIGHT...I was like "Wow, Phil must be f-in cool". So he asks her what she wants done to her hair, and she says "I don't know, I want it cut" so he said "Put your Mom on the phone" she tries, I shake my head no...he says "She said she'd talk to me if it was about you" So I take the phone and say "Hello?" He said "She wants to get her haircut, what am I supposed to do, get it trimmed or what?" I said "Whatever she wants" He said "Whatever she wants?" I said "Yep" DD10, here...and gave her the phone back.

So after she got off the phone, I told her not to go nuts, make sure it's still long enough for a ponytail....since that's the way she ends up wearing it no matter how we get it cut. He'd prefer she never get it cut...so whatever.

Damn it...why do I miss talking to him. This really seriously must be what an addict feels like when they want drugs, I know I'm gonna feel like hell if I do it, and yet I still want to do it......this is some crazy bullcrap. I'm not OBSESSED with talking to him, but I miss him....how twisted. (I know...I was just saying this same crap a week ago, before I snapped....I just re-read it)

I'm trying to stay busy..I called the community college I was going to before the sh*t hit the fan to try to work out payment arrangements on the 500 dollars I still owe them from dropping my classes past the date, I haven't heard back from them...I need to start taking classes at least part time, because my student loans are going to come due 3/22 and I need to start back in school, so they'll extend it until I get my degree.

It so hard though. I was going to classes full time and working full time, and I'd get home whooped, and I'd have time to maybe straighten the house a little, cook dinner, do some homework and then I'd end up passing out on the couch...wasn't too great for the marriage.

I'm freaking dreading going back to work. I am making 70% of my salary because I'm on short term leave of absence, but that isn't hardly anything, I only make 8.81 an hour, and full time is 36 hours a week at a hospital (3-12 hour shifts), I won't be getting a raise in the near future, and I can't really make it on that. Especially when they take 117.00 in insurance out of my check everytime (I get paid every 2 weeks) that's brings me down to making 400ish a check, and my rent alone is $650.00 a month. So that leaves me with like $150.00 to buy food, pay utilities and anything else I may need. I get 130.00 a month in child support for DD13. I called child support about DD10, and they are sending me the papers, but they said it takes 8 MONTHS from the time they receive the papers until you actually get child support.

I am also dreading work because everyone is going to be bugging me about why I was out, what was wrong....blah blah blah.....not even my supervisors know the actual reason, so they're going to be nosey as hell...I don't know if I can deal....I need a new job, I type 80 wpm...but I hate secretarial work, I'm good at it, but I hate it....I love my job at the hospital, but I'm not making enough to survive, and I don't want to deal with the questions.

I hate my life.

-Caren

<small>[ February 19, 2005, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]</small>