* BH I hope you don;t mind this converstaion - I think it is highly relevent to how snakes like the subject of your post can worm their way into the lives of decent women, and how to recover from it.

* Now, you said
What I mean is, as long as Squid can still see some good in OM, she can hang onto the good in herself. KWIM?

I do understand this. While OM ( in her mind) is a decent man, their affair was a love story that sadly did not come to permanent fruition and Squid can feel like she was love-crossed rather than selfishly unfaithful with an old snake.

I have said to Squid back in October when NC had held a month or so :"You are a GOOD person who did a bad thing. You are not redfined as a bad person because of this bad mistake".

She sobbed and smiled at the same time, and held my hads between hers across the table. She told me she did not feel that way, but that I was a beautiful person she did not deserve for saying that.

I meant it then and I mean it now.

YES her affair was devastating, stupid and selfish and I am STILL not certain I can recover from it but she did not invalidate 22 years of loving partnership between us by so doing. Those times were pure and loving, not rendered false by her eventual affair.

I hope and pray ( but do not expect) Squid to come to this conclusion herself. She needs to recognise in her heart that her affair was entirely her choice, not justifed and was with a player. That she used him selfishly too is another part of the sin, but I don't care about his feelings at all.

I just don't see how time and NC alone can change a heart so drastically.

ALTHOUGH last Monday when we had our "recovery showdown" talk, Squid did say that "OM was never going to leave his GF for me, and I was never going to leave you for him".

This is a big realization, as OMs loveletters to Squid talk about leaving his GF and loving Squid for ever, and she had "stolen" the kids college fund bank books and put them with her affair documents, so she would have some funds to move in with him.

Thats profound really because it is an admission that it was an 'affair' they enjoyed between them, and not ( as she maintained until now) "the great second love of her life".

So I guess hearts DO change and see reality without external assistance over time after all.

She still thinks he's a 'nice bloke' though.
I have no doubts he is charming, but 'nice' ?

I think men ( or women) who deliberately predate on married people are not ever 'nice'.

<small>[ February 14, 2005, 06:27 AM: Message edited by: b0b pure* ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have said to Squid back in October when NC had held a month or so :"You are a GOOD person who did a bad thing. You are not redfined as a bad person because of this bad mistake". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you for saying that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


NOW

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">she did not invalidate 22 years of loving partnership between us by so doing. Those times were pure and loving, not rendered false by her eventual affair.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And this. ESPECIALLY this.

Thank you.

NOW

Bob, thanks for your post! It’s true that no FWS will ever truly & fully understand the pain of a BS. We can just try to understand. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I also understand the occasional pain-led offences of some BS – it's all the result of their own hurt and pain. You know, occasionally we FWS’s also show a lack of sensitivity and understanding towards the BS and unintentionally said hurtful stuff sometimes. It really goes both ways and I have seen bad stuff happened to both FWS's and BS's here. However, there are SO many positive things about these boards that we can't let things like this stand in our way of posting, advicing and giving support to others. I can say that if it wasn’t for the BS’s and RBS’s (recovered BS’s) around here as well, this would be a FWS pity party too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

Everyone,

I really appreciate the open dialouge in this thread. My original question blossemed into answers that I so desperately needed.

I know my wife is caught is a fantisy world right now. I try to understand it but have never been in her shoes. She is trully addicted to the OM.

Keith

NOW and Suzet
Thank You for your open honesty about the affair you all have had! I really appreciate the information. It helps me clarify some points in my mind and allows me to continue in the quest to help rebuild our marriage and understand what could have possibly allowed my Wife to do what she did.
My Wife, My Companion, and the Love of my life did make a terrible mistake and she does understand this. Her understanding did not take any effort or speech on my part because I believed she was not thinking clearly then, never pressured her during that time to think clearly, but allowed time for her to see the result of her actions.

I just wish she would post here. She has expressed a desire to, but now I am not to sure I would like her to after seeing some go on the attack.

You all are helping in my healing process and for that I say thank you. Please do not let some stop you from helping!

SM

BH and Silent -

Thank you SO much for taking time to offer your appreciation of my honesty. I've been posting here off and on since May and have been under "attack" before. It's not fun, and was very hurtful when I was still a "newbie"! I have learned little by little to take it in stride, and for as many attackers as there are out there, there are 100 more that are kind and sensitive !
I'm glad I could help....there is SO much hope for a marriage to survive an affair and if I have to take a few punches while I'm trying to send out that message, then I will take them!

Your responses alone have made it worthwhile.
Thanks again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

NOW

SilentMisery – thanks for your post! Very much appreciated. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BHINWI – May God provide you with wisdom and strength during this very difficult time… Prayers to you.

Blessings
Suzet