KMEJ,

I was just wondering today how you were doing.

Good work on your plan. I'm really happy your working towards some goals.

Your life sounds crazy like mine (sans the couch sitting spouse). Two day cares, making lunches, running kids around. Its exhausting! But we all seem to be getting used to it.

Hang in there and keep up with your plan. Your doing great.

Miker

Hello Miker- long time since I heard from you- sorry to hear things are not improving for you.

This morning I am still struggleing. H got home last night and was rather snippy with me, I asked what was wrong and was told and he said "you". My heart sank. I am not sure if he is reading here, or just tired of our situation. I need to accept the fact that I can not change him, I do not make him happy, and that he finds more pleasure in relationships with others then he does with me.

Your H acts like such a spoiled brat.

I know that you want to believe that he and everything else will change.....but it won't. Unless YOU take the initiative and change YOUR situation.

I say.....quit putting ANY effort at all into anything that has to do with him. Look out for you and the boys and do the things that you need to have done for you and them.....and ignore your H.

I'm not saying these things for you to take them as pay back for the way he treats you. I'm saying them because it's what you NEED to do to get back to focusing on YOU.

It NOT ALL ABOUT HIM....though he'd like to think so.

You worry too much about what he thinks about things......when he doesn't worry about anything..but himself.

A little effort here and there doesn't cut it.

If he put a little effort here and there into his job.....he wouldn't have a job.

I wonder how he would feel if you treated him like he treats you? Probably wouldn't go over very well huh?

If my H would have said YOU when I asked him what his problem was.......I would have said...."Well...let me take care of YOUR problem. Here are your bags....start packing them. If you need help....call a card or bowling buddy."

You've taken WAY too much of his [censored]. And that's just what it is.

Mrs. Priss
Thanks for your imput. I was rather ticked off at his response, however it was the wee hours of the morning and I was just to tired to feed in to it, so I just ignored him and went to sleep- my guess is that bothered him more. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> H has called me several times today to see how I was, if I needed anything, what time DS4 had to be at school- normally he does not call. Rather weird.

I have grown rather impaient with H's moodswings and behavior towards me. I have stopped letting it get to me and started to let it roll off as best as I can- basically decideing that it is not my doing, nor can I change it. I am not 100% at this- and it still gets to me- I am just trying a new tactic.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> Hello Miker- long time since I heard from you- sorry to hear things are not improving for you.
</strong>
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know if "not improving" is the right way of saying it. They are moving the direction that I believe is inevitable now. In the longer term I'm sure it will be for the best. Its just me being able to deal with it emotionally and find a way to detach from this whole mess as get on with my life.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> This morning I am still struggleing. H got home last night and was rather snippy with me, I asked what was wrong and was told and he said "you". My heart sank. I am not sure if he is reading here, or just tired of our situation. I need to accept the fact that I can not change him, I do not make him happy, and that he finds more pleasure in relationships with others then he does with me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like things aren't going well, but then again things haven't been going well for you for quite a while. Keep yourself strong and keep your options open so when you do decide what you want to do, you can do it.

Are the kids doing ok with the new daycare arrangement?

Miker

The kids are really likeing the daycare situation- the guy that we bring them to is very laid back- they got homemade pancakes with homemade syrup the second day there- he won them over with that! They get to play with other kids with new toys and have a nice structured day- so far so good.

DS2 is continueing in his decision to use the "big boy potty" he will not give up his diapers however- the suggestion of big boy underwear or a pull up brings him to tears instantly- so I will just be happy with what I have- especially since it was way sooner then we thought and at his pace.

H has now left for the evening for his weekly bowling night. I am so tired that I am hopeing the boys will take their bathes and go to bed without a fight tonight- as I really have had a stressful week and need my sleep before I work my other job tomorrow night and Saturday. I am so drained.

On a positive note I asked H if he wanted to go to a play with me on Saturday night and he did not sound to excited so I told him that was fine he could stay home and be with the kids- he asked "when do we leave?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Thank you for asking.

would it be a smart or stupid thing to tell my H about my "plan"?

Good evening,

I sure wish the best for you, I don't know you at all, and visa-versa, but I feel for your sitch. I am so impressed and inspired how you deal with such adversity. I hope your H wakes up and realizes what he has and what he could lose, but I doesn't sound like he is putting in what you need. Have you ever tried the plan B? I did not need this in my situation, so, not sure how it works exactly. It just sounds like he isn't to afraid of you leaving. I may be wrong, Just need to protect yourself and the kids. I wish I could offer more wonderful words of encouragement, alas, I am just not a man of many words. I do hope you get what you are looking for.

I don't think you should tell him your plan. It might give him a chance to think of a way to balance it.

I am not sure what it is- I do not understand why it is- however my H only initiates SF (unless it is OS) when I am asleep... I hate it because I feel so used- actually most of the time he has p*rn on in the background. He does not kiss me, or carress me. Last night- same old- however after he did hold me- but I still felt cheated. I have tried to explain my need for closeness when we are not in the situation because I do not want it to feel forced. It does not work. I now this is nothing others can help me with- I just need to "voice" my concerns- or vent rather. Thanks for listening.

DO NOT.....I repeat....DO NOT tell your H about your plan.

He'll use it against you somehow.

Either that or he'll put on his happy hubby face and pull you back in like he always does and then you'll end up back where you are right now.....in say....3 months or so.

On another note....your venting about SF.

What is his reason for not being able to be the MAN you want him to be in bed? Just curious.

Have you asked him why he only requires OS and why he only initiates SF when you are asleep?

Does he know that HE isn't satisfying YOU?

IMHO....and in my H's... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ....that would be a big blow to his ego.

Edited to add......no pun intended with my last statement. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 08:27 AM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

Mrs. Priss- I had decided already that telling my H about my plan would be about the stupidest thing that I could do. I have decided to keep it under the rador- just a back up plan so I know that I have a way out when/if it is needed/warrented.

as for the SF piece of the equation- I highly doubt that he thinks he is satisfying my lifeless body <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> - also he knows me- I am VERY vocal <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> and when I am quiet (even participateing) he should know that after 9+ years if I am quiet- I am not enjoying..... I really am thinking he does not care- because he does his thing and then is done- to heck if I am done as well. I think he means well- but I am hard to please <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I know that- but a little effort would not hurt. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> a little foreplay or lead up if you will- or a kiss when you get home- or a glance across the table or SOMETHING other then- hey I am in the mood. Or please OS... while giving nothing in return. I apologize I know I have been focusing alot on this area- and I do honestly think that my H means well- he just does not get it- nor does he care to get it.

oh and as far as his reasons go- I do not think he feels he is doing anything wrong- nor do I think he really cares. I have told him so many times that I need hugs and hand holding and kissing and the very BASIC stuff- he will do it for a few days and then stop- he does not see the point- even though I have told him how important it is for me.

I agree with you and Miss P. Telling your H your plan is a bad idea. The plan is to deal with him so telling him about it would ruin the plan. Keep it to yourself or people you trust not to spill it to H.

Glad to hear your boys are enjoying daycare. It took a bit of adjusting for my kids too, but their caregivers are really good woman and I think have been really good for the kids considering their Mom bailed on them. Its smart finding a guy to be your caregiver, was that on purpose or just how it worked out? Maybe the boys can get some male attention from him that their father isn't providing? I think its worked well for me that way.

In terms of SF. Sounds like you'd almost be better not getting any at all! But then again, I probably just looking for some company in the SF frustrated club. Sadly you do get used to it after a while. Not sure if I even remember what to do anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Anyways getting to places where I probably shouldn't be going...

Take Care,

Miker

Getting a male daycare provider is what I wanted, and it worked out great! He is so laid back and soft spoken and gets his rules followed without intimdation- all good things. They do like going althought Michael (DS2) likes to put on a show once we get there about not wanting me to leave- but neither does he- a guilt trip if you will. He loves the kids the toys and the yummy homemade food the guy makes. Plus he gets to play outside and swing and everything is consistant.

As far as the SF goes I WOULD RATHER GO WITHOUT as I feel used and cheap and cheated with what is going on. However telling him no is really pointless because he contiues to push the issue until I give in- or just continues.... I want a mutally satisfying love life or none at all. It does not have to be all the time- but my Drive has dropped since the the A/D's and since my side is not being met- do not get me wrong I still want it- and often- but would rather go with out then feel used and cheap and cheated.

maybe you are right- maybe he does not realize what he is doing and how it is making me feel. Is there a good way to bring it up with out offending him and putting him on the defense?

I don't believe there is ANY way to approach this topic with YOUR H and him not be defensive.

Why are you worrying about offending him when your being cheated?

Why is it okay for him to take advantage of you in the way that he does.....but you worry about offending him....and about an important part of YOUR life.

Remember.....IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT HIM.

You need to quit worrying about offending him.....because it's obvious that he things that what he is doing is okay.....you've led him to believe that it is.

Sure you can talk till you're blue in the face....but your actions speak louder.

Quit continually letting him do things to you that you don't want him to do.

Simple as that.

Why would you continually let him have his way....when it makes you feel cheated....and used?

It's almost like you are punishing yourself.

Good Morning! How have you been doing? Haven't seen you on in awhile, hope all is well.
It is another beautiful sunny day here, Just wanted to check how you are doing.

KMEJ,
I know exactly how you feel in regards to the SF. My H tried that "doing his thing" while I was asleep for a time. He stopped when I told him that I considered it marital rape. BTW, that was just about the time when our state passed a law that said marital rape is illegal.

I know that I'm not the greatest for giving this advice because I put up with more than I should, but here it is. Don't put up with his just helping himself to your body.

Try this: When he wakes you up in this way, tell him in a firm voice, "Get off me." If he doesn't, then say, "Get off me before I puke on you." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

If he wants to know why you didn't have to go "throw up", tell him that if he ever forces himself on you again, you WILL puke on him. (And, do it, even if you have to stick your finger down your throat!)

Tell him that you do want to have SF, but that you are entitled to be satisfied just as much as he is, and you will no longer allow yourself to be raped by your own husband. Because that is what he is doing. He is raping you.

I really do feel for you. My H is better about trying to satisfy me once we're in bed, but without the "romance" I need. That makes me feel like it is still just the chore that he once told me it was. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Keep making your plans for the eventuality of being on your own, but don't tell him about them.

Be sure you make copies of all important documents and have them safely hidden away somewhere other than in your house. Have an extra set of car keys hidden away so that you can easily access them if you should need to get away quickly.

Pack a few days worth of clothes for you and the boys, and have them stashed safely away somewhere...even if you have to buy some so that he won't notice some of your clothes are missing. Buy one outfit at a time if you have to. Check to see what help (women's shelters, etc) is available in case you need it. Stash cash away in a safe place so that you and the boys can survive in a hotel/motel for a while if you need to.

It does suck that your H's card games and bowling seem to come before you and your boys, but if you need to leave, that could be a good thing in that it would give you plenty of time to get your stuff together and leave if you need to.

I know that what I've said is not conducive to MB, but I do think that you need to be prepared. I'll leave the MB advice to those who are so much better at it than I am.

((((((KMEJ))))))
LC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> H got home last night and was rather snippy with me, I asked what was wrong and was told and he said "you". My heart sank. I am not sure if he is reading here, or just tired of our situation. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> and that he finds more pleasure in relationships with others then he does with me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> my guess is that bothered him more </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> H has called me several times today </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> H has now left for the evening for his weekly bowling night </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he did not sound to excited </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he asked "when do we leave?" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He does not kiss me, or carress me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he did hold me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he should know that after 9+ years </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he does his thing and then is done </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think he means well </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> my H means well- he just does not get it- nor does he care to get it </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do not think he feels he is doing anything wrong </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> nor do I think he really cares </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have told him so many times </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he will do it for a few days and then stop </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he does not see the point </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> even though I have told him how important it is for me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> maybe he does not realize what he is doing and how it is making me feel </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> offending him and putting him on the defense </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">______________________________________________________________________________

KMEJ - duck! 2X4 coming......

WAY TOO MUCH TALK ABOUT YOUR H!

Talk about you. Talk about your inner feelings. Don't talk about them in reaction to your H's actions or feelings. But talk about what you want. It will give you power to follow through.

____________________________________________________________________

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and I do honestly think that my H means well- he just does not get it- nor does he care to get it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KMEJ - do you see that you are doing the same thing as your H with regards to setting your boundaries and enforcing them?

Try substituting your name for "my H" and "he" ...... and then "we, here at MB" for "I."

Sweetheart, we have tried every way to communicate to you about your situation. But you are not listening.....kind of like your H doesn't listen to you.

It's like running around in circles, don't you think?

^