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good post kayla... perfect example... perfect plan... kmej... you also need a plan... whats missing from this is not the back and forth posturing... BUT what was YOUR answer to 6 months... what did you tell him about the 6 months... what are YOUR thoughts about 6 months... lets start with what you are thinking you are going to do... he can ask for anything he wants... ask away... but what do you want and what did you reply what do you want... and whats your plan to get it.. and Idon'tknow is not an answer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ARK
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Is the 6 months for him, you or both? What is his goal t/b at the end of those 6 months? I would not commit until shown something which makes sense and is worth the wait. I've got my own opinion why it is 6 months and it has nothing t/d with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> JMHO, L.
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care to share Orchid?
He says the 6 months is to establish the new schedule of us both working days and him getting into swing with his new job- he thinks more time home together will help with our marriage. More couple time. I am thinking it will not be that- he says I will see....
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Well his words and actions already don't match. So you s/b leary. Let him know each time his actions don't match his words (don't give examples, unless he asks), it scares you and you find it difficult to trust what he is saying. Then let it go.
You have to give him back the responsibility of regaining your trust. He can not put that burden of guilt on you.
My Xws did the same to me. While he was an Xws he said and did things he regretted. I had to let him regret it. I could not and would not absorp that regret for him. It was not healthy for either of us.
Tough love is what you need right now if YOU expect to survive. Let him know that each time his words and actions don't match, this R takes a step back. Then let him know the same applies to you. When he points the finger at you, remind him in order for him to do that, 3 fingers are pointing back at him. If he says, then what about you? Reply, you went through plan A, made your improvements, the 3 fingers pointing back to Kmej are already bening dealt with. That after he takes care of the 3 in his face, he can let you know about anything you need to work on. But if he needs to browbeat you instead of work on him,then that's very telling. Again, don't explain. Leave 'em wondering.
That's what I did.
L.
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kmej. I wrote to you in another thread. Well, after reading this thread, I am just sick. Not at you, but your situation. What are you waiting for. I could not be like this for a month let alone a year. and now maybe more. He does not want a wife (nor is he deserveing of a wife) You need to leave and NC before you get hurt or the kids get hurt. The kids know something is wrong,because kids are very observant. It is not healthy to be in this situation. My heart goes out to you in your life right now, but you need to get control of YOU!! right now, he has all control, even to the point of Raping you, and you don't even know it. Are you afraid of being alone? Finances a problem? There is help.Just have to ask. I am not trying to be mean or maybe I don't know everything, Just what I read. But you need to leave or he does. YOu are tooo important! you need to realize this. YOu keep saying the same things to him. It is not working!!!He is not going to change if you don't.
Believe you are loved by all here. You are the only one that can do anything about you. Don't let him. I am shaking writing this because I feel your hurt and can't do anything for you. PLEASE help yourself.
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Okay KMEJ, I have not posted to you in a while but have continued to follow your story.
Edited. Will post back KMEJ
<small>[ February 16, 2005, 01:48 PM: Message edited by: Bear04. ]</small>
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I really do not know what I am waiting for. I am going to follow through on the interview- if the guy returns my call (he called first- I returned) I should have left my cell number instead of my home because H does not want me getting a different job. I would like the finacial security with out H- I would like to earn more- at least enough to support myself. I think that is why H does not want me to work anywhere then here- because here I could not even support myself alone with a roommate. I also think that is why he hates my other job so much- I am good at it, and make a lot of money.- But the money is in the evening- and I need to be with my kids then...
Plan.......
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KMEJ, The dynamic of your intended "recovery" got switched somewhere along the way. It has been a "what are you willing to do for me to get me to stay"... instead of the "I'm sorry that I had an affair, what do I need to do for YOU in order to stay". He is taking the catbird seat...and wanting you to jump through hoops to get him to stay. Now....about this "listen to him" phrase...does that translate into "do what I tell you to do"? That sounds very controlling to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> The problem might have been not having a clear cut plan of recovery. I think you should actually start all over again...from the words "Plan B". His take on this recovery stuff is convoluted at best. JMHO committed <small>[ February 16, 2005, 01:57 PM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>
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Just remember that Although the kids need a father, I strongly believe they do, that the kids can be hurt in their parents crossfire, it will affect them for the rest of their life! As it will you. We believe in you KMEJ!!!
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KMEJ,
Someone just sent me this.....maybe you could use it also.....
Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two
1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you..
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4.. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet theperson, we will know how to be grateful.
10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
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L.I.T.-
Thank you for shareing that with me. It made me cry, it made me think. I am still thinking. Thank you.
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I had edited my post, but I see you already read it. The crux of what I was saying is that I think you need to be stronger before you consider the Dword.
I think that being financially independent is important to be able to have the happiness you want.
But I also sense in your posts that you do rely on your husband for your happiness. I just wanted you to work on yourself and make yourself ready before you step.
I have been reading so much about enforcing boundaries, etc. You already have threatened divorce once this past year, he called your bluff. I am thinking that boundary enforcement is creating conflict and not getting you closer to your goal. I suggest you try another way.
Withdraw from him, quit meeting his needs. Use your energy to work on yourself. Quit giving him SF, unless you want it, then you initiate it. If not, then don't give in. Get him to chase you, and try to please you. If he doesn't, no matter, you doin't need him for your happiness.
I am just throwing this out for consideration. MBers discuss.
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Thank you Bear- you are right., I can not jump in with both feet- I do not have a leg to stand on presently. Last night I argued back- I love busted like crazy- I was WAY WRONG. In that i did not follow MB principles. I do appriciate your imput Bear. Really. You and many are right- I need to work on me- that needs to be #1 right now. Everytime I think I am- I slide backwards0 that is my own fault yes I know. Time to dig in my heals.
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LIT... Nice post. I especially like number 9. I bet a lot of people can relate to that one! KMEJ, you wrote of each person's needs: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 1. That I keep a clean house- Not picked up, CLEAN 2. That I show him respect and listen to what he tells me. we discussed that, then I told him my needs (as follows) show of respect, showing of affection, time together, putting his family before friends and computer etc. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This guy spends all his free time bowling and hanging out with his buddies, then comes home to watch porn, then demands a BJ from you but won't reciprocate, and he expects you to "show him respect and listen to what he tells me"????? I wanna smoke what he's smokin'!!! He doesn't want you to get a better job, doesn't want you to spend a single evening at a party with some friends. Oh KMEJ, he is manipulating you big time. I've told you this before, I dated a guy like this. He threatened the same things to me as your H does to you -- made me think that if we broke up that everyone would take HIS side. Well, I finally got the nerve to break up with him, and he was WRONG!!! Everyone took MY side! Get some help. Call you local domestic abuse hotline. There are places you and your kids can go and be safe. While you are at it, consider getting a restraining order against him.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by L.I.T:
<strong> KMEJ,
Someone just sent me this.....maybe you could use it also.....
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LIT,
Thanks for posting this. Those are really great and are all things I really do believe. I've printed them off to read when I start to feel down and waiver.
Thanks,
Miker
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Withdraw from him, quit meeting his needs. Use your energy to work on yourself. Quit giving him SF, unless you want it, then you initiate it. If not, then don't give in. Get him to chase you, and try to please you. If he doesn't, no matter, you doin't need him for your happiness. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Kmej,
How are you today?
I like what Bear wrote. I think the best thing for you right now is to stop thinking about your H, and start imagining what kind of life YOU want to live.
What kind of values are important to you?
How can you change to be more proud of yourself?
How can you change to live your life so your most important values are always top priority?
Spend your time thinking about what you want. Make small changes every day. Don't get into any more arguments. Just take as much time as you need to think about what you want, and then when you are certain, do it. I think you are on your way.
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How was he planning to meet your needs?
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He said he did not know how important those things were to me, he thought that I got those needs met by others- when I told him no one else mattered but him- he said he would really try to meet those needs. It does not mattered I f'ed up major tonight by going to this party and staying until 10- he will be so mad at me- he will stop trying. The power went out and I stayed until dinner was done and danced for like half an hour and came home - that will not matter, I stayed and he will be mad- even if I wanted to wait out the six months I doubt he will now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
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