Sorry, thought my original message was lost, so I tried to repeat it..

Wow!!!

WW came home and wanted to talk R....all bad of course. She said (again) that she does not have any feelings for me anymore and she knows she will never be able to get them back. She said she knows herself very well and has always made the right decisions in the past. She said she doesn't know why I was here and putting up with her. She said she has noticed how nice I have been to her and the kids since D-day but she gets mad and resents me when I do because it is "a little to late". I calmly listened and said that I will do everything I can to save our marriage and family. I am committed to our wedding vowels. She kept wanting me to say something else, even asking me "say something" and all I would say is that I am committed to marriage and working it out. I did say I have done some research and you can get your feelings back but it has to start with NC. She again said this is not about that at all and I have not seem him. (ok, I am a stupid idiot...How dumb does she think I am).

I still agree exposure is essential. Especially, after that conversation.

WOW. It hurts so bad...

Even after you told her that you know that she was at his apartment, she is still sticking to her story?

yes. She totally denies it....and convincingly. That makes me wonder what the chances would be that there could be a vehicle the same as ours there.... I highly doubt it though. I would hate to expose if she has maintained NC and I was wrong. That would be a MAJOR LB. Should I wait for more proof to expose?

opt

By the way, sounds like you handled the R talk perfectly. Good job!

Thanks legato, I have had a very good mentor...

opt.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by options:
<strong> yes. She totally denies it....and convincingly. That makes me wonder what the chances would be that there could be a vehicle the same as ours there.... I highly doubt it though. I would hate to expose if she has maintained NC and I was wrong. That would be a MAJOR LB. Should I wait for more proof to expose?

opt </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Opt, they are ALL convincing. Mimi's husband actually stood at the hotel room door, in his underwear, and explained that he was just "having a chat with the OW." She is trying to put you off her path because she is desperately addicted and does not want you to take away her heroin. Just think of her as you would a heroin addict or an alcoholic. That will explain ALOT.

In the meantime, you can plainly see what is going on here. Proceed as planned, opt, and don't let the drug addict convince you that day is night.

<small>[ February 17, 2005, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Even if that wasn't her vehicle (which we know it was) you still have other evidence don't you?

Thanks M.

I know in my gut that you are right. It is just scary how convincing they can be. And I guess the other part is that I want to believe it and that makes it seem truthful. I am looking for some sorta thread to grab onto.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by options:
<strong> Thanks M.

I know in my gut that you are right. It is just scary how convincing they can be. And I guess the other part is that I want to believe it and that makes it seem truthful. I am looking for some sorta thread to grab onto. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't we all know this feeling! We want SO BADLY to believe so we can make it all go away. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> BUT................you and I both know it will all be there tomorrow. Reality will come knocking at your door AGAIN.

I don't know if you realize this, but your W is saying all of the CLASSIC things that an addicted WS in the throes of an affair says. We hear the same things around here every day. I guess that is why I haven't a single doubt that your W is in the throes of an affair.

I have the initial evidence of printed emails from d-day. Other than that I know she has lied to me about her where abouts on several occasions since then.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by options:
[QB] She said (again) that she does not have any feelings for me anymore and she knows she will never be able to get them back. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the typical "I love you, but am not in love with you" statement that is a classic symptom. The reason she doesn't "feel" anything is because she is in the throes of an fantasy addiction. Most WS' believe they will "never" feel anything for the BS again. [but they often do!]

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She kept wanting me to say something else, even asking me "say something" and all I would say is that I am committed to marriage and working it out. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She needs for you to get ANGRY at her so she can justify her affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I did say I have done some research and you can get your feelings back but it has to start with NC. She again said this is not about that at all and I have not seem him. (ok, I am a stupid idiot...How dumb does she think I am). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Classic. This is an attempt to minimize and/or rationalize the affair. The goal is to make the state of the marriage the culprit, rather than the affair.

I know it hurts, but it is just all so very classic. And none of it means the end of your marriage. We have so many on this forum whose marriage is quite restored whose WS "swore" that he would never love his spouse again. Just don't take her words to heart, opt. This can all change.

Thanks again M.

You are right, I have read some other threads and it is scary how similar some of them sound. They are all taken by the same alien...When WW was putting all the blame on me and saying that it is not about the A, I knew in my head she was acting very similar to others. I know she is trying to switch the blame to me to take the focus off of her wrong choices (the A). She wants to look good in mommies eyes.

opt.

Help!! I am thinking what to say when I expose. I am not good with wording.

Advice appreciated.

opt.

It is easy for the WS and BS to get into a power struggle of confronting and denying...it almost becomes a game for the WS, and helps them continue their fantasy (it's no fun if it's not a secret).

I sidestepped that with my FWH by saying to him, "I am going to assume an A is continuing in all it's ugly secrecy. It is your responsibility to prove to me it is not continuing...and with more than just words." He started to say, "How do you expect me to do that?" I told him, "I don't know, that is up to you honey." There was a release after that, I didn't need to approach him about it..knew I would get the answers later (either in recovery or D court). And didn't have to know it all now.

Just know this, no matter what you THINK is going on, it is far worse. If you need the facts to have the resolve to do what you have to do (exposure, Plan A, and maybe Plan B) just know that an A is happening in all of it's many phases, love talk, sexual tension and release, and lies.

I'm sorry.

Thanks S, I appreiciate the support.

Right now I am more concerned with How do I phrase the wording when I expose the A to WW's mom, boss, friends etc.?

opt.

opt, hopefully someone will help you with your verbiage. That is not my forte! But it should be along these lines:

I am calling to discuss a very sensitive situation with you in order to enlist your help. My W is having an affair with a teacher at the school and I am calling to ask for your moral support and assistance in ending this affair.

Hang on, you will get more input as the night goes on.

Wording is a tough one, it will have to be your own. But talk as though you are in court, only the facts you know.

Here is a simple outline to follow...

State that you have something serious to discuss with them.
Explain that your wife has been having an A with xxx.
Explain how you know it, and add if your WW is denying it or not, and how you know it is happening.
Explain you are telling them not out of spite or anger but because you want to save your M and you hope by exposing the A that it will no longer be a dirty little secret shared only by WW and xxx and you hope they would share your concern and care for your M.
Ask if they have any questions.

Anything else? Or remove anything?

I would definitely do it by telephone or in person, not written down so it could ever be used to hurt you or WW.

Hope this helps.

You are one smart cookie, SMIH. I loved your advice on how to sidestep the lies. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

very good. I am understanding the jist of it. Now, I just have to get up the courage to do it....

opt.