</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> While I appreciate Suzet's points, I have to disagree. I don't think that exposure should be used as a "threat," as she is suggesting.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I never said exposure should be used as a "threat,". In fact I've have said the exact opposite. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Please re-read my post: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As stated by starfish in the above quote - do only the necessary exposure becuase it is traumatic and can cause huge withdrawals. However, the other reason I think you must expose in concentric circles is because the point of exposure is NOT to "embarrass", “humiliate” or "destroy" or slander the OP and the WS into stopping by 'broadcasting' the A to the whole world... No, it is to expose to the least number of people necessary to encourage stopping the A. Also remember, everyone you expose to now will FOREVER remembering about your W’s A, even if she become repentant and remorseful on some point and even if you can save your M and recover with your W… Maybe, just maybe there is a chance that you don’t have to expose to EVERYONE in order to help stopping her A and this is the other reason why I think you should follow the advice on the “concentric circles” link.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just to clear up the misunderstanding... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Suzet

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 12:51 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Exposure is absolutely not a threat. It has a single objective: to expose the bindings of an affair to the light of criticism by people affected by it.

It is NOT a lovebuster if done without lies or disrespecteful judgments.

Your WS will hate it, and hate YOU for it. But in truth I do not know of a recovering M that had the affair intervened before it ended that was not exposed.

Exposure buys you allies who will monitor infidel behaviour when you cannot.

In your case with OM bein single, it will not be so effective as if he were married or had a significant other, but exposure to affected parties ( boss, pastor etc) can still be effective.

From where I stand NOW , 5 months into recovery, I am SO GLAD I did not expose more widely.

Squid has dropped from the fog and already feels terrible about her affair. She hates that OM GF hates her, and she mourns the loss of the respect of the friends and family who know about her affair too. ( SHE exposed to her sisters and one frineds family- I only did OM GF and a mutual friend).

I am glad I never informed the sport governing body, or her clubs head coach.

As Suzet says exposure cannot be retracted.

I know how hard this is for you - I truly do - but believe me when I say you will feel empowered afterwards.

All blessings

I am so confused as to how far to go with the intial exposure. I know WW' mom is a must first. I am not sure whether to tell the boss or friend the same day. I hear what you are saying that exposure cannot be retracted and that concerns me. I definitly hear what you are saying BP. Telling her boss sounds so risky. But I don't know how much of an affect telling her mom will have on ending the A. Maybe telling her mom would put her in a big enough withdrawl. I am thinking concentric circles sounds good and starting with just her mom. I could monitor the progress then and see if I need to expose further.

Advice Please....help....

opt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Suzet*:
<strong> [Maybe, just maybe there is a chance that you don’t have to expose to EVERYONE in order to help stopping her A and this is the other reason why I think you should follow the advice on the “concentric circles” link.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just to clear up the misunderstanding... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Suzet </strong>[/QUOTE]

And my point is that it should be used to expose to the LEAST amount of people in the first place.I have never seen Harley recommend exposing in "concentric circles."

[Harley has actually recommended to clients to "do everything short of taking out a billboard"]

The affair doesn't NEED to be exposed to everyone, it needs to be exposed to key people - the RIGHT PEOPLE, the FIRST TIME - who can aide in the end of the affair. Exposing to anything less is a waste of this valuable resource because it only ensures that the WS will pre-empt the exposure and does not have the desired effect.

To do otherwise is tantamount to taking a pea shooter to a gun fight. Exposure to the right people in the first place is taking a gun to a gun fight. And you need a gun to kill an affair, not a pea shooter.

But, this is not the time or place for a debate. Opt is confused enough as it is so trying to debate this issue, Suzet, is doing him absolutely no good.

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 06:34 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by options:
<strong> I am so confused as to how far to go with the intial exposure. I know WW' mom is a must first. I am not sure whether to tell the boss or friend the same day. I hear what you are saying that exposure cannot be retracted and that concerns me. I definitly hear what you are saying BP. Telling her boss sounds so risky. But I don't know how much of an affect telling her mom will have on ending the A. Maybe telling her mom would put her in a big enough withdrawl. I am thinking concentric circles sounds good and starting with just her mom. I could monitor the progress then and see if I need to expose further.

Advice Please....help....

opt </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Opt, I understand your confusion when you are being pulled in 10 different directions by other people, but I would just point out that the Harleys do not recommend exposing in this manner. They are very successful in the business of busting up affairs and DO NOT view exposure as "destructive." They view exposure as HELPFUL. They do not view facing the consequences of your bad behavior as "destructive." Because it is not.

The reason I believe that exposing to her boss is absolutely critical is because the affair is not likely to end unless she leaves/quits her job. The affair will never end until contact ends. She is probably not going to leave her job voluntarily. Let's say she DOES end the affair from just exposure to your MIL, or say she does, the situation at work will not change because they do not know there. That means she gets in the car every day and drives to see the OM and you get to spend your life dealing with a person with an active addiction to an OM. Do you want that?

Or do you want to end the affair and restore your marriage?

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 06:40 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

I want the affair to end... I agree as long as they are working together it will not end. If I tell the boss I am not sure he will do anything but I guess at least he would know and be able to watch for inappropriate behavior. He probably could move OM to another building but not likely. My WW couldn't move to another building she because of her position. She would have to change jobs.

I have four people in mind to expose. Her mom, her boss and two friends at this point. There is a third friend but I do not think she would be a positive influence. That friend is not happily married at this time. Sound like a plan?

opt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by options:
<strong> I want the affair to end... I agree as long as they are working together it will not end. If I tell the boss I am not sure he will do anything but I guess at least he would know and be able to watch for inappropriate behavior. He probably could move OM to another building but not likely. My WW couldn't move to another building she because of her position. She would have to change jobs.

I have four people in mind to expose. Her mom, her boss and two friends at this point. There is a third friend but I do not think she would be a positive influence. That friend is not happily married at this time. Sound like a plan?

opt </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Opt, that sounds like an excellent plan. I agree with you that there is probably no reason to tell her friend who might not be a positive influence. I hope in the current political atmosphere in schools, that the principal will eagerly separate them before any ugly "news" gets out.

Have you thought about what you will say? I would suggest writing out some talking points that you glance at in case you get nervous. It will probably be much easier than you anticipate, but I know that taking some talking points has been helpful for me in stressful situations.

And just a piece of advice, I wouldn't suggest telling your MIL about your plans until afterwards. Parents tend to get very defensive of their children.

Opt

Sanely lay out the people you can expose to. Write down the possible influence they can have on the affair.

OMs Mom and Dad may be a good place to start.

If they're decent people they will apply pressure.

OMs boss may be useful. Few managers are happy to be seens as enablers of such.

Friends are useless. Sorry, but they are.. I told my best friend and he was a well intentioned mess.

Squids friends just told her Cosmo agony aunt bull like " follow your heart".

Her big Sister was a useful ally. She whooped squid's *** and has since told me she is very admiring of my efforts.
See?

And don't use the 'I don't know about OMs home life' as an excuse. I tried that one and Mel and WAT kicked my *** till I found OM GFs address and phone number.

Ex[pose to the people who can apply pressure MAINLY to OM then ALSO to your WW.

Keep stum to everybody else. It just gets gossip IME.

Do this brave thing and be the man your wife needs you to be.

Its a heroes gig. You up to it ?

I think so. You'll feel like getting a tattoo when you've exposed Opt. Honestly.

All blessings

<small>[ February 20, 2005, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Good advice, Bob! But what does "stum" mean?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

"keeping stum" means "keeping your own counsel".

Saying nothing deliberately.

I forget I'm a foreigner sometimes ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Help, should I expose today or it sounds like I should lay a better plan. I do not know anything about OM's home life. I have just told MIL that I want to talk to her after child is in school in a hour.

I have tried to get that information (OM's home life) and have been very unsuccessful and have tried everything I know short of hiring PI.

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 07:31 AM: Message edited by: options ]</small>

opt, Friday is always a good day to expose because it gives you the weekend to deal with the fall out. I would start with MIL and then head over and meet with her boss. Whatever you do, don't tell your MIL about your plans for exposure until afterwards. Is there anyone else you think is key?

Thanks for the support. I hope you all are around here later because I will need it.

You got it. That is my plan. I can't think of anybody else who would be a tremendous influence right now. It may be hard to even hit all of those today but I will give it my best.

I have a few notes wrote down. mostly the advice SHMI had advised.

Please pray and wish me luck. Opt.

Opt, I will definitely say a prayer for you. Just know that you are doing the very best thing for your marriage and are facing it bravely. We know it is not easy, but you will feel so much better afterwards. I will check up on you throughout the day and so will others here. Carry on, soldier!

Remember WW's girlfriend she will be spending time with this weekend.

It is CRITICICAL to tell her boss because he has a MAJOR liability on his hands. He needs a heads up, and will appreciate the information. He will probably be very instrumental in nipping this in the bud. Schools are often gossip gardens, and many folks at the school probably already know or suspect. People in an A think they are being so sneaky, but are often so selfish and not so discrete...only thinking of their own happiness.

Remember, if she gets mad about it...this is HER doing, you have done NOTHING wrong. If she has consequences to face it is because of HER actions.

This is a bitter pill to swallow today. Better to tell these key people all in one fell swoop than to look forward to swallowing that pill over and over again...

My suggestion? MIL, Boss, and Girlfriend

Thanks so much for the support. MIL is not back yet but will be any minute.

Then Boss then girlfriends (2)

uh oh home, lets roll...

Hoping he is having a productive chat with MIL. We are pulling for ya, opt!

Thinking about you today opt.

Thanks for that Mel, I'm glad you're back!!

"almighty God, we pray that friend Options is directed and moved by you at this important time. We pray LORD that you place YOUR words in his mouth, YOUR actions in his arm and YOUR courage in his heart.

He fights the preserve the holy institution of his marriage from the evil onslaught of an affair, Lord, WONDERFUL COUNSELLOR speak to his heart now and guide him that YOU may be GLORIFIED by his actions in you.

AMEN."

You all are awesome! Thanks for the support. I couldn't be doing this without you.

Here we go....2 hour conversation with MIL. Went very well as I did expect from her. (I expected this will be the easiest one) MIL is very very supportive and said she does not approve of any A even if it is her daughter. She loves her daughter but will never approve of it. She has already said OM is lowest form of life and will never be accepted. She said you are a son to me. However, MIL does not know how to bring it up to WW. MIL and WW have talked extensive about A's in the past and about how wrong they are. So if anybody has any advice I can give MIL on talking to WW that would be great and I will pass it on.

Now I am trying to get in touch with boss. I am not having any luck yet. Hopefully will soon.

Thanks again for the support and prayer.

1 down 3 to go. Opt.