ok, this is weird. I am trying to get in touch with boss when I get an email from WW. She is being nice and wants to talk R again this weekend.....What??? Is she psycic? She hasn't initiated an email to me for months. BTW, there is NO way she would know I am trying to reach boss. She wants to do something together this weekend. She hasn't wanted to do something with at all for the past two months. What are some thoughts on this????

How do you know she wouldn't know? Possible she saw a message on desk, or got a heads up from person taking message..."WW, your H called, left a message for boss, is everything OK?"

I would call the boss again, message may have been...lost.

It is a new receptionist and she does not know who I am. I just asked for boss and never left my name for him to call.

I am still proceeding with contacting him. by email now just telling him I want to talk to him privately.

opt.

Just an idea to consider here; I believe that sometimes God intervenes and puts obstacles in our path. I am a bit concerned regarding exposure at workplace. Exposing at work I believe is a huge LB. I know, some of you will disagree with me on this but this is my view.

If it were me I would ask God for guidance in this before doing it and make sure that this is His will before proceeding.

We can all give great advice but you, Options, are the one that must decide as you are the one who will live with these decisions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by options:
<strong>

I am still proceeding with contacting him. by email now just telling him I want to talk to him privately.

opt. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">opt, just keep your eye on the ball and don't let yourself be distracted. Your situation and reasons for contacting the boss have not changed this morning. It is very good that she has sent you this nice email, but that does not change the fact that there is an issue to be resolved at work that will not be resolved unless you speak to her boss. That nice email will not help end this affair or help to end contact with the OM.

Please don't let yourself be distracted by the noise.

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by options:
<strong> So if anybody has any advice I can give MIL on talking to WW that would be great and I will pass it on.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She could say how very disappointed she is and how she would hope she would end this affair and do the right thing. She might also express her willingness to support her in doing the RIGHT THING, but she won't support her in destroying her family.

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 11:39 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Thanks for the advice and comments. Still no word from boss so maybe God is intervening in his own way. I am praying that God helps me make the right decisions here and guide me down the right patch. BTW, MIL will not say anything to WW yet so if I don't get in touch with boss that would give me a chance to pray over the weekend about it. WW won't know I have exposed at all yet.

opt.

Mel-
Thanks for the advice MIL can use to talk to WW. That is exactly the way I hope she sees it.
opt.

opt, I do believe that this is a plan of which God would approve. And I will tell you why.

First off, he advocates exposing evil in order to effect its end. And secondly, this is a move that may very well effectively end the affair and save your marriage. God is in favor of saving marriages. Exposure will make it impossible for her to carry on under cover of work and may very well result in a transfer/loss of job, which would be the very best outcome. Let me assure you, she won't get over the addiction to the OM if she sees him every day at work.

Can you even imagine the alternative? The alternative would be that evil is able to thrive because you are helping them keep their secret. The affair can survive as long as the secret survives. If you help them keep their secret, your marriage is likely not to survive.

So, please don't allow yourself to be diverted here. Your plan is solid and can be supported scripturally. It does not deserve to be subjected to tea leaf readings or the latest feeling de' jour.

Sometimes God does put obstacles in your path, but guess what? So does SATAN. And who will benefit the most if this affair is not stopped?

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 12:22 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Update - Can't get a hold of anyone else. I am trying to get in touch with friend now.

opt.

Just exposed to GF that she will be with tomorrow. She didn't have much reaction. She just said that is too bad and I hope you two will be able to make it work. She said WW never mentioned the A to her and but did mention we were having problems. go figure- just making me look like the bad guy. WW is really trying to protect her image. Well, I don't know if girlfriend will be much help but she knows the truth now whether she believes it or not. (I did tell her I would show her emails for proof) She was really uncomfortable. She did say she probably wouldn't bring it up but if WW brought it up she would help influence in the right direction.

Opt.

Also, I was having a hard time getting the nerve to call her then I re read some of the proof emails. The phone call was easier then....

Hmm, I wonder if she already knew more then she is letting on. Is she really close to your wife?

Sounds like she wants to stay out of it. When she says she will try to influence her in the right direction did she happen to mention what the right direction was?

Good job, opt. Somehow I don't think that you will get much help from her friends, like Bob Pure said. It is still worth a try, tho.

Carry on, opt! I hope you can get in to see her boss.

Options

Hire a PI if you can afford it and get some background on OM.

There has to be SOMEONE he wouldn't want to disappoint.

Find them and expose to them.

You need someone in HIS camp to de-fun the affair.

If its just his caprice, he will never have a reason to stop.

I am thinking the same thing about GF. I think the GF wants to stay out of it. I really don't believe the GF knew more than she was letting on. Oh well, she know the truth now.

Check this out.... I exposed to my mom late today who lives a good distant away from us. She said she already knew something was wrong and hired a PI. What? She said she could tell a difference in WW's actions and know something was going on. She will be a great support for me. She is just trying to protect her baby boy... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I need to teach her about MB principles though. She is from the old school if you know what I mean.

No word from boss today. I am concerned about that. Maybe God is telling me something.

Tonight we took kids out to eat. WW very cold and distant. I am waiting for her to initiate the R talk she asked about it the email. I will not bring it up. It is not going to happen tonight.

Thanks again for all the support today. Keep it coming. I will need more when the WW finds out I exposed. I know what BP means know about a feeling of calmness after exposure. I will sleep better tonight. No matter what happens, I know in my heart it was the right thing to do. WW will have to start dealing with her actions.

God Bless all. Opt.

Opt, what has the P.I. found? That is awesome news! If you can find out about the OM, there may be some great opportunities there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by options:
<strong>

No word from boss today. I am concerned about that. Maybe God is telling me something.


</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And Opt, as one Christian to another, please be careful in assigning any and every obstacle to God. Obstacles are not the exclusive property of God at all. If this exposure is the best hope you have for ending this affair, then it is not a sign from God. God wants the affair to end, satan wants it to continue, so an obstacle that would prevent something GOOD from happening most likely would not be from God.

If you look around you will see many very bad things happening in your life that are not from God. Things that you need to fight against. Things that satan does not want you to be successful in a fight against. See what I mean?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by legato:
<strong> Just an idea to consider here; I believe that sometimes God intervenes and puts obstacles in our path. I am a bit concerned regarding exposure at workplace. Exposing at work I believe is a huge LB. I know, some of you will disagree with me on this but this is my view.

If it were me I would ask God for guidance in this before doing it and make sure that this is His will before proceeding.

We can all give great advice but you, Options, are the one that must decide as you are the one who will live with these decisions. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Options,

I agree with legato – everyone can give you great advice, but in the end, only you can make the final decision… My advice is to 1) listen to all the advice here; 2) think about ALL the possible pros and cons & possible consequences (negative AND positive) of each possible action you are advised to take; 3) then weigh all the pros and cons and negative & positive consequences up against each other; 4) then pray about it and ask for God’s guidance; and 5) only then make the final decision on the best action to take for you and your M...

Options, I believe the ideal situation and the best chance for recovery is when the WS can come to the realization him/herself (and with the influence and guidance from the people closest to him/her) that the A and contact with the OP needs to stop. Many FWS’s on these boards have quite their jobs out of their own free wills…because they knew and realize it was best for them. For most of them it took some time to realize this and pressure of their BS’s (and other loved ones), but on the end, many of them did it themselves. IMO it’s not a good idea to force an WS into stopping contact by let him/her loosing his/her job… If the purpose of telling the boss is to encourage and help the WS ending the A by putting pressure on the WS; setting some strict rules in the workplace regarding the WS and OP; using the boss to monitor contact etc. etc. then I agree it would be appropriate. However, it seems some of the people here want you to the expose to the boss in order for her to lose her job… Options, just be aware it can be a very big LBer and as I've said already, I believe the best is if the WS can come to the realization him/herself that he/she needs to quite his/her job and find another one. It is SO much better if the WS can do this out of his/her own free will, because then the BS can't be blamed by the WS for losing his/her job and it will show and give reassurance to the BS that the WS are committed to the marriage. Most of the time, the WS start to realize these things as soon as the FOG starts to lift. It was said so many times on these boards, that a WS can’t be forced to do anything, the BS (and other close people like family and friends) can only guide, help and influence them in order for them to come to realization of the importance of NC and/or the importance of quitting his/her job. The fact is, even if your W lose her job, she can still continue with the A behind your back outside the working environment...

Options, if you read my signature line you will see I’m still working at the same company as OM. I couldn’t quite my job and find another one due to personal reasons & circumstances (I can give you a link if you want to know more). My withdrawal and personal recovery was very long and hard because of this and although me and my H are totally recovered today, I know my recovery could have been so much easier and faster if it wasn’t necessary for me to still work at the same company as OM. If it would be possible for me to quit my job and find another one at the time, I would do that immediately and without any hesitance. Why? Because after my near-EA stopped, I’ve come to the realization myself of the importance of NC and the importance of NC for personal and marital recovery.

You see Options, I just wish/hope your W can come to the same realization before she is forced to quit her job. However, as I’ve said earlier, exposure to the boss can be VERY effective if he (the boss) can encourage and help your W and OP ending the A by 1) putting pressure on her/them; 2) setting some strict rules in the workplace regarding contact between her and the OM; and 3) if he can monitor her/them.

Blessings and prayers to you, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Suzet

<small>[ February 19, 2005, 02:38 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Suzet*

I think we have a FBS/RWS disagreement here.

Exposureisn't about the BS MAKING WS do ANYTHING.

Its about subjecting the bindings of the affair to the scrutiny of other people affectes by the affair.

If a job is lost as a result of telling the boss that is an consequence of the AFFAIR not exposure.

If the boss wasn't bothered by the affair in his team, he won't make anybody leave.

I didn't expose to the sports govorning boidy that OM and Squid are affiliated to, but they would have been next on my list after OM GF and Squid's Sister.

Options doesn;t have that, erm, option.

I have aleady advised to expose ONLY to those folks who might have astake in this infidelity, not to start gossip or for its own sake.

Options needs to think about if telling the boss will cause scrutiny of the affairs binding or not.

And I completely agree that any job quitting or other NC-supporting life changes must be voluntary from the WS.

NC is always WS-voluntary though isn't it?

All blessings

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by b0b pure*:
<strong>

If a job is lost as a result of telling the boss that is an consequence of the AFFAIR not exposure.

If the boss wasn't bothered by the affair in his team, he won't make anybody leave.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well put, Bob. And it is for this very reason that I disagree with Suzet. In this case, there is an added political element that makes it urgent that the boss know about the affair. This is a school, and an affair in a school could cause enormous fallout.

But that is not the only reason, the MAIN reason is to place pressure on the affairees to end the affair, whether it be separation or termination. Either way would be advantageous. That is the entire goal of exposure! You can always replace a job, ya can't replace a family!

This purpose is about making it very uncomfortable, if not impossible, to carry on an affair. That is the point. Sitting around waiting for some spirit to magically move the wayward spouse is a bit unrealistic and ineffective. This board is replete with threads that demonstrate the folly of INACTION and I sure don't want Opt to be another one of those examples.

<small>[ February 19, 2005, 08:42 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>