options, I think you did real good in your chat with her. At least you have conveyed how very serious this is and how much it hurts you and the kids. Don't let her forget this. [sans lovebusters]

That is really important because you don't want to make it so comfortable for her that she feels free to just carry on like a single woman.

I do agree very much that your MIL needs to have this discussion with her. Do you know what she plans on saying to her? And when?

Good job on your talk, opt!

Opt, have you considered contacting the OM? Steve Harley once counseled a member here to visit the OM and ask him what his intentions were for his wife. Scared the jeepers out of him! See, I suspect that the OM is just using your W and has no serious intentions with her. Just have a little fun and then move onto the next one.

He would probably bolt at the first sign of trouble. And in your case, you have the power in your hands to RUIN his career. If you let him know that a little visit to the principal might be in order if he didn't move on, I bet that would strengthen the impact of your "visit." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I imagine contact would shake his tree like nothing else. It might result in him summarily dumping her like a hot potato.

Do you get the feeling that something is very wrong right now in their relationship? It seems that she has been very depressed lately and I wonder if he has been trying to dump her? If you contacted him, it might put the nail in the coffin.

What do you think?

I talked to MIL this morning. She said she will talk to WW. She wants to do it in person and won't be able to until beginning of next week. She also said she would rather do it after the D-day's this weekend. I don't know exactly what she will say but I hope it is something like she does not approve of her A and she needs to realize what she is doing and who she is hurting many people.

I don't know if something is very wrong or not with WW's relationship with OM. All I can say is that she is not seeing him at all or very very little outside of work. Maybe that does explain some of her depression lately. Regardless she still doesn't want to be with me. She basically said that last night. I know, FOG talk though....

I haven't thought much about contacting OM. I always thought that was not a good thing to do. I can see you point though. It might tell me where he stands and like you said scare him. I would like some more advice on that. I have his phone number. It would be easy to do.

WW was cold and distant still this morning. She talked to me and was nice when she did but again it was only about the kids.

Ok, need some advice. WW sent me an email this morning about her going out. I guess my converation last night made her think. Within the email she said. "I don't know why you think this is such a big deal (her going out). There is nothing wrong with liking my friends and wanting to be around them. I am still going out. They still want to go. I will be driving so I won't even be drinking."

How should I respond?

Opt.

I suspect that the OM has dumped her, Opt. But she is holding out hopes of getting it back together, hence her plans to go "listen" to the band with her friend.

That is why I think it would be a good idea to call the OM. He surely doesn't want any trouble and your call will scare him off for good.

Do you really think so??? I don't see that.

Mel, the OM does not play in the band. The guy in the band is just a "friend" from her high school days.

Opt.

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 10:58 AM: Message edited by: options ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by options:
<strong> Ok, need some advice. WW sent me an email this morning about her going out. I guess my converation last night made her think. Within the email she said. "I don't know why you think this is such a big deal (her going out). There is nothing wrong with liking my friends and wanting to be around them. I am still going out. They still want to go. I will be driving so I won't even be drinking."

How should I respond?

.
.
.

Not that it will likely sink in just now..I could have repeated those words verbatim from my H during the Fog..but what the heck..

"Dearest, oh darlingest, honeychild..sunshine [too much? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ]

Allow me to explain to you why I feel this is such a big deal.

First off..you make a sweeping assumption in saying that there is nothing wrong with liking your friends and wanting to spend time with them. If your friendships are harmfull to our marriage..then there absolutely IS something wrong with exposing our marriage to them.

How could it be harmfull? It can be harmfull if the attitudes and habbits of these friends are in conflict with fidelity, care, mutual consideration, and protective boundaries.

Next you say that despite my discomfort..you are going out with them. This translates very clearly dear wife, that you value their opinion, and your recreation..more than you value my security, feelings..and our marriage.

In the face of these rather large issues..whether you will be driving and drinking or not is quite irrelevant. Please do not insult my intelligence by assuming that throwing me this scrap will pacify me.

Life is full of choices my love, if you choose to place others before me, you will have to live with the consequences of that decision.

Your Husband XXXX

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Noodle

Opt. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know why you think this is such a big deal (her going out). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sure that she knows very well why it is such a big deal. She just wants you to change how you feel so that she doesn't feel bad. Stick to your guns. You already told her what your feelings are. They haven't changed.

You don't actually have to respond or you can, if you choose, repeat once again what you have already said about this. It doesn't matter. She still won't like it. Too bad, so sad.

Maybe if you write it in email, very brief and to the point - then if she keeps trying to "fix" your feelings you could tell here to read the email again.

Wow Noodle! I got to say, I really like it. Do you think maybe it is a little harsh. Well, not harsh because she deserves it, but maybe it would be better to get the same point across with a little more finesse. Or maybe not. I don't know. I like it though. I like the idea of putting something back in writing to her so she can read again if necessary or at least I could refer back to it.

Opt.

I think it is just the right amount of harsh.

Noodle

uh oh, sounds like your little chat last made her a little uncomfortable. WHOOPS!!

Now, she can't run around with impunity and not feel some guilt for what she is doing. Opt, she is trying to justify herself and is having a hard time because you are no longer sitting by in silence.

I would suggest rewording noodle's excellent post in your own words and letting her know that you aint' buying it.

What part of my post about the OM situation are you unsure of? What did you think about calling him?

Noodle, somehow I thought you would say that. Thanks for the advice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Mel, I don't know. The OM does not play in the band. The guy in the band is just a "friend" from her high school days so her going to listen to him doesn't make sense to me. I guess if he is there this weekend that would tell me a lot.

I don't know why but I am unsure of calling him. I probably just need more convincing from you good folks that it is the right thing to do.

Opt.

I find it (noodle's letter) very amusing. It feels good.

But I find sometimes that what feels right isn't always effective.

Might be considered DJ. Ask SH.

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 12:35 PM: Message edited by: legato ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by options:
<strong>

I don't know why but I am unsure of calling him. I probably just need more convincing from you good folks that it is the right thing to do.

Opt. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Options, it will sure take some courage, but do you see my reasoning? He has never put a face to you and doesn't really see the full reality of the damage he is causing to you and your family.

Contacting him would achieve a couple of things, it would scare the hell out of him and it would allow him to put a face to the man he is cuckolding.

See, you have ENORMOUS power in your hands right now and you are not using it. He has all the power in this situation until you decide to take it from him. Why allow this scumbum to have such power over your marriage?

He has great reason to fear you, Opt. Why not capitalize on that?

And please consider my earlier point. I suspect he doesn't give a damn about your W and is just using her for a little fun. He doesn't care enough about her to risk taking crap from you. At the first sign of trouble, I suspect he will drop her like a hot potato and that will be the end of that.

Especially if you tell him that it will not be in the best interest of his career if the principal and the school board are notified of the affair if you find out about ANY future contact.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Might be considered DJ. Ask SH.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Legato, What does this mean? I guess I am showing I am new here.

Opt.

I think he is saying that sending noodle's email will be a "disrespectful judgement" and that you should contact Steve Harley first. I would disagree with this assessment. I think you will be in trouble if you try to rely on SH for every action. You are pretty much doomed if you don't use your own judgement and expect SH to micromanage each and every little contact.

Did you send the email?

Options,

Legato is correct, there are several DJs in my faux letter.

If you really want to send something like it..you will need to clean it up...now when I say clean it up..that is precisely what I mean..not water it down.

Study what makes a DJ a DJ [disrespectfull judgement] ..for example..telling her how she feels, or lecturing.

If you really want to use my letter as a thumbnail then merely make it about you and your boundaries..that will take care of the DJ issues.

Be short and sweet, and if there really will be a consequence..I'd keep that part in. It's only fair.

When you..choose your friends and recreation over my discomfort and concern, I feel slighted..unimportant to you..unloved.

When you choose friends whose habits and attitudes are in conflict with fidelity, mutual care, etc etc..I feel threatenned and insecure.

When you tell me that you are going out with them despite my concerns..but that I shouldn't mind because you won't be drinking heavily I feel dismissed and condescended to. I feel unimportant to you.

Wife, although I love you, this is unacceptable to me, and I will have to defend my boundaries.

This is the sort of cleanup I mean..what do you think?

Noodle

Yes, I did send the email. I did customize it some to my style but the content is pretty much the same. My style is toned down some. No word back yet but I really don't expect for her to respond today.

I don't know why but I am a little hesitant to contact OM. I think I need to sleep on that and pray about it. I do understand what you are saying and it makes logical sense? How does that fit in Plan A?

Opt.