options, that IS Plan A. Plan A means doing everything, within reason, to bust up the affair. Contacting the OM might very well do that for you.

What concerns you about contacting the OM?

Noodle, That is pretty close as to how I cleaned it up. I took out..Please do not insult my intelligence by assuming that throwing me this scrap will pacify me. I also took out the part that she will have to suffer the consequences of her actions. I reworded several parts too and added that I am just very concerned about our marriage.

Would this be a good time for a Plan A letter too?

Opt.

options,

You have done well. Keep up the good work.

Ok, I need advice please. WW took an impromtu outing on Fri. night w/ GF and then she went out Sat. night again w/ GF's and didn't come home until 4:00a.m. ??? What am I to do??? I can't seem to take it anymore. I want to tell her to leave if she wants to act like a single women and not work on our marriage or be part of the our family. She always seems to wait until the kids go to bed then she goes out so the kids do not realize what she is doing. Can I tell her to leave? I want our M to work out in the worst way but at this point if I told her to leave I would mean it.

Opt.

Don't tell her to leave, Opt. It is very hard to get them back after they leave. You have too many other things you can do in the meantime, like exposure.

Have you confronted her about this? I would make sure and let her mother know she did this, too. Calmly call her up right in front of your W. As long as y'all keep protecting her secret, she can get away with this.

So sorry you have to deal with this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ok, I have calmed down some and NO LBing....

I saw MIL this morning and filled her in. WW was not around when I did. MIL still needs to expose and said she will do it this week. She said she is waiting for the "right time".

I won't tell her to leave. Although, I had a very hard time biting my tongue this morning where as in the past I could control it much easier.

opt.

ok, then go ahead and talk to her about this and ALSO tell her that you have told her mother everything. She needs to know that you are exposing her, Opt. There is no reason to keep delaying this.

But have a talk with her TODAY, while she is feeling guilt, and ask her how she thinks your marriage can survive this way? What is her solution to solve the problems? Tell her how very disappointed and hurt you are and ask her why she was out all night. What was she doing?

Just don't do it with any lovebusters and don't let her make you angry.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by options:
<strong> MIL still needs to expose and said she will do it this week. She said she is waiting for the "right time".
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">opt, just to clarify about this. *YOU* have already exposed to your MIL. The exposure is done. But it is useless since your W doesn't KNOW. In order for this exposure to be effective, your W must KNOW that she has been exposed. That should come from you.

And, of course, your MIL should speak to her and express her disappointment as soon as possible. But it is not your MIL who has exposed, it is YOU. And you need to tell your W you have done this or it is all for naught.

Any idea if she was with the OM last night?

You make sense. Thanks for your persistance. It is sinking in. I will talk to W later tonight. I have no idea if she was with OM last night. She said she was with her GF's. She said she listened to the band and then went to GF house. Who knows???

Opt.

WOW!! I asked WW last night if she would talk to MIL about everything. She said "NO" and then I told WW that MIL knows everything. She immediately went silent the rest of the night. This morning the bubble burst though. She totally went off on me. She broke down with all kinds of accusations. She said great, now you have recruited my mom against me....I am sure she hates me. and my step dad knows and grandma knows and brother knows....She said why did you do that? I said "I told you I would do anything I could to save our marriage". WW said that that certainly made it much worse - not better. WW also said, "great now I am the bad person, what about the past 10 years that you were not there for me and the kids? Did you tell them about that?" That really hurt me. I just kept as silent as I possible could though. She basically opened the door for me and pushed me out.

I can't see what where this will make anything better either. I think I just made things much worse. This is very very very hard.....

Opt.

You were told to expect just the reaction you got...it is from the script.

Do not take it to heart. Let it roll off of you like water off a ducks bath. Be calm and steadfast.

You can accept your part for the state of the marriage pre-A.

I believe that you've already done that. You can't keep mea culpaing until the cows come home because she will just use that against you to continue to justify her current behavior.

You know that there is no justification for her current behavior choices.

Bone up on Orchid's reverse babble...sounds like you will be needing it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by options:
<strong> WW said that that certainly made it much worse - not better. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">options, you have "made it worse" for her carry on her destructive behavior. She is angry that you won't help her keep her secret. THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO! What you are doing is making it uncomfortable for her to carry on her affair/lifestyle. You are making it HARD for her to carry on as she has. Now she will be forced to justify her behavior to her family.

THIS IS GOOD! This is the stuff that forces them to wake up from their fantasy. When she hears herself trying to justify her behavior to her family, she will hear how ridiculous she sounds to others. THIS IS GOOD!

Just think, Opt, if she were not doing anything wrong, why would she be so worried about what her family thinks? It is because SHE KNOWS she is wrong, and all the silly rationalizations in the world will not justify it.

She is supposed to be ANGRY as hell when you interfere with her plans.

Did your MIL tell the rest of the family? Because if they are close family members, I would sure make certain that they know.

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 07:58 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

options, I want to also emphasize that this is not supposed to be easy. There is no easier, softer way to end an affair. You are in a swamp and the only way out is to walk through the swamp. But if you don't walk out, you will stay in the swamp and die.

Its important to understand that your wife is not going to give you a reward for breaking up her party. She is going to be FURIOUS. You are trying to take whiskey away from an alcoholic for her own good.

And that is the goal of Plan A, to END THE AFFAIR. That "A" does not stand for appeasement, it is a plan to end the affair with any reasonable means. And exposure is the MOST EFFECTIVE means of acheiving that end.

I know you are upset because she is angry, but you shouldn't expect anything less. The angrier she is, the harder you have hit your target: the affair. Ya ain't going to get a reward for busting up her bad behavior.

Let me leave you with this thought, Opt: exposure won't end your marriage, but the AFFAIR WILL.

I guess WW was speaking from script. It is just very very hard to hear. So, making her very mad is a good thing??? I understand you logic but it sounds counter productive to me. I am with you though and trusting you all.

Yes, The rest of her family knows. I have talked to her step father, grandma, but not her brother.

I have accepted my part of the marriage pre A and have made permanent changes. WW has noticed the changes and has said it is like living with a born again Chrisian. At least she is noticing the changes...

Where can I get to Orchid's reverse babble? It does sound like I will need that.

Opt.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by options:
<strong> I guess WW was speaking from script. It is just very very hard to hear. So, making her very mad is a good thing??? I understand you logic but it sounds counter productive to me. I am with you though and trusting you all.

. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Opt, she is mad for a GOOD REASON. She is angry because you are making it difficult for her to carry on her bad behavior. THAT IS YOUR JOB! You are supposed to do everything you can, within reason, to end her affair. She will certainly be mad about that. It is not your job to appease her AT ALL COSTS!

They are all mad when we make it hard for them to carry on. We hear the things she said ALL THE TIME around here. "It is all your fault, blah, blah, blah...." That is all designed to hurt you enough to STOP you from interfering with her affair.

Are you going to let her anger stop you from interfering in her affair? Are you going to let her be successful in shutting you down, Opt? Or are you going to carry on like a soldier and do what is RIGHT for your family and your marriage?

You can't surrender at the first shot, Opt.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The angrier she is, the harder you have hit your target: the affair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, from the reaction I received this morning I think I hit a pretty good target.

Also, I have a pretty good gut feeling that she was with OM Sat. night. She will not tell me anything that she did and that is generally a good clue to me.

Also, when I look at the exposure that I just did, it seems to me that WW would run to the OM for support and comfort. Why not?

Opt.

Thanks Trix!!

Opt.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by options:
<strong> [QUOTE]

Also, when I look at the exposure that I just did, it seems to me that WW would run to the OM for support and comfort. Why not?

Opt. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, she was already running to him. Nothing new there. Appeasing her at all costs would not change that.

And how can you disarm him?

Opt, in this triangle, who has the greatest power? Who has the MOST TO FEAR?

1. Options

2. WW

3. OM