After the trauma of an affair occurs it takes time for all parties to disect the why question after it occurs, and understanding how the trauma hurt the family. My husband was given information from another party that was unfounded and not true. We have an open and honest marriage. I completely leveled with him what happened, with whom and when. He told me what he was told and I was blown away. The facts did not apply to me....the events I had never participated in...you get the picture.
I think that the other person was involved with several people that looked alike. This person who I thought at the time was loving was a cad and a manipulator of many people. His wife seems intelligent but for some reason can not see who he really is... and what he is like. To share a pack of lies to bring another person down is inexcusable. Make sure that if you present material about something to someone that you have reliable sources before you cause harm to others and could find yourself facing a lible suit. Seriously considered doing that but my spouse and I decided that it was best to leave well enough alone. Have you all had similiar situations?

Welcome Gypsy:

Having a little trouble following your story. Did you have an A? If so; was it EA, PA and is it over? Please share with us how's and why's.

What do you mean by; </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This person who I thought at the time was loving was a cad and a manipulator of many people. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How long have you been married? Kids?

FR

very interesting... but weird

So are you saying that you were involved with a married man, but it's OK because you and your hubby have an 'open marriage', so when the betrayed wife of the man you committed adultery with told your hubby what was going on they somehow exaggerated, and you want the betrayed spouse to know that you will sue them for lible if they tell you hubby anything else?

Sorry but your post was sort of vague I guess and I'm trying to figure it out. If I've got it all wrong please clarify.

If, on the other hand you did have an affair, and your hubby really doesn't have a problem with you doing that, then what's the big deal about the details?

Here's what I suspect - feel free to whack me with a 2X4 if I'm wrong: You don't really have an 'open' marriage and your hubby was plenty upset when he found out, so you are hoping to intimidate the betrayed wife into not telling your hubby any more details (or else you'll sue her for lible)?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Fishracer+:
<strong> Welcome Gypsy:

Having a little trouble following your story. Did you have an A? If so; was it EA, PA and is it over? Please share with us how's and why's.

What do you mean by; </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This person who I thought at the time was loving was a cad and a manipulator of many people. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How long have you been married? Kids?

FR </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Fishracer,
In response to your questions I did have what I would call an emotional affair. It was not the
physical affair that some would assume. It was at a low time in my life where many people that I was close to had died. I lost 4 family members in a month. I was very vulnerable to anyone who gave me comfort and guidance at this trying time. I have a great marriage, can't believe I took the course I did. But people are human. When they are needy things do happen. You have to safe guard yourself I have learned during these time and only rely on your spouse, parents and maybe pastor to help you through. I have 2 children and am truly blessed. It was because them that my spouse and I strived to keep our marriage in tack. It has taken a lot of work. I truly know what it is to be loved. He has forgiven me even when I still at times have a difficult time forgiving my self. The quote I said that the man was a cad I meant. Hindsight is better than foresite. The more I examined his smooth talking, trust building ways....I know that he now was crafty as a fox. Played women like violins and I am sure had done this before. Something inside of his personality was missing.
He was selfish and wanted everything his way. Like a kid in a candy store. I hear from friends that his wife has stayed with him. Good for him. Sorry for her. She truly does not see what he is really like. I guess some people settle for less when they can have so much more. I am blessed that I finally came to my senses and realized how great my marriage and family is and who much I want to preserve that. My counselor told me that everyone wants to be loved, coddled and accepted. Loving is a nartural need in all of us. Just make sure that you let your spouse know what you are lacking. Time together, talks, recreation outings, weekends without the kids, help around the house. In the same time let me tell you what they need as well and you will be able to have the greatest marriage ever. And be the person you should be. Don't settle for less it is not worth it. The grass in not greener on the other side. It has a lot of weeds and holes that you don't know about yet. You truly never know what a person is like until you live with them.

Meremortal,
Wow, didn't think someone would read my response like that. Let me explain what I meant. Surely if someone has something against you and evidence that is founded and grounded that is one thing. But to add stories, events, and fictionally write or tell something that did not occur that is another story. My husband was given evidence of the affair by another party. I deserved it....I had done wrong. But he was so broken when the pack of lies that he told me were not true. I was accused of doing. We moved to another town to get away from the situation. I never went back physically to contact the other person again. We both had known that we made a huge mistake....hurt our families and regretted what had happened. Unfortunately you can not rewrite history. You have to live it and be responsible for all that you do..... Well I am rambling. If you have something like this to present. Be truthful, honest when you approach someone with the info. Lying to another as some spiteful actions does not pose you as a righteous person either. From the receivers end of the information
be cautious what you believe and who you receive this information from.

"My husband was given evidence of the affair by another party."

Who exposed the affair to your betrayed husband?

"I deserved it....I had done wrong."

Why didn't you confess to your husband before the affair was exposed?
Of course your husband deserved to be told about the affair and you were not entitled to keep it secret.

"But he was so broken when the pack of lies that he told me were not true. I was accused of doing."

Your betrayed husband is broken because you betrayed his trust. To whatever extent you betrayed him is something he would wonder about whether or not you were falsely accused of even more than you say you did. The fact that you betrayed your husband's trust, both by having the affair and by not being the one to confess it to him, is what would make it difficult for your husband to believe your version now instead of believing the person who exposed the affair.
THE important issue should be that you betrayed your husband - not that you have been accused of more than you say you did.

"We moved to another town to get away from the situation."

Did you move before or after your husband found out? Who suggested the move?

"I never went back physically to contact the other person again."

Has ALL contact with the other person ended (phone calls, e-mails, messages through others, snail mail - not just refraining to go "back physically to contact")? If so, when did you last have contact with the other person? Before or after exposure? Before or after you moved? Before or after giving your husband the impression/promise all contact had stopped?

"We both had known that we made a huge mistake....hurt our families and regretted what had happened."

Did you come to this realization before or after exposure? Once you came to that realization, did you refrain from doing anything further that would hurt your families? Did ALL contact stop? Did you confess everything to your respective spouses? (I guess not in your case since you say somebody else exposed the affair to your husband.) Have you taken every possible measure to be accountable to your spouse?

"Unfortunately you can not rewrite history. You have to live it and be responsible for all that you do....."

Part of recovery will be taking full responsibility for betraying your husband's trust, acknowledging that if it were not for that betrayal you probably wouldn't have to worry about him believing or being hurt by anyone's accusations about you.

"If you have something like this to present. Be truthful, honest when you approach someone with the info. Lying to another as some spiteful actions does not pose you as a righteous person either."

It might help us understand who you are saying this about and what you believe their motive to be?

Also, keeping anything secret from your spouse (lies of ommission), supposedly to protect them from being hurt, is in no way the action of a righteous person either.

"From the receivers end of the information
be cautious what you believe and who you receive this information from."

Well, as a betrayed wife, I can tell you that if somebody contacted me today and informed me about something my WH was up to, I would believe the informant unless my WH could convince me otherwise. And IMO this comment from you sounds sort of odd since other parts of your posts seem to indicate you think the betrayed wife is being a fool for giving her husband another chance. Do you think your husband is also being foolish to give you another chance despite your betrayals of his trust?

<small>[ February 21, 2005, 09:00 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

GW,
Sorry if this sounds trite but it rings true never the less. Lie down with dogs get up with fleas! Were you guilty of all that of which you were accused? Not so in fact maybe but in reality you were. So where's the injustice?

But what does it matter at this point anyway? Now it's time to go forward and learn from your errors. That's what's important. be better and smarter and don't allow yourself to ever be in such a situation again.

Good luck.
Caoch

Meremortal,
I don't think you can judge what the situation of my life was....I didn't have the chance to reveal to my spouse what I was sorry for...I was in counseling at the time and trying to work through the terrible dark period of my life. I wasn't able to present it to my spouse in an honest, humble and repentive way. People are human. I was raised in a very loving home where people were open and honest about their mistakes and short falls. My folks had some rocky times in their marriage and I had always admired their tenacity and perseverance to maintain the course. To weather the storm no matter what the odds are.... Sometimes things happen, events happen...not good things. We behave in a bad way and sometimes do not know why. My spouse loves me, he is the most loving grace giving person that I know....because he truly knows the person I am.....and can be....not believing in the worst of me but in the best for me. You never know what it is like to walk in someone else's shoes.
Everyone is capable of being good. Look for the best in someone even though they have failed you. If you had been in the shoes of the other party and had done wrong. Wouldn't you respond to a loving caring mate, who didn't quite understand why something happened ....but could look beyond a terrible mistake and see what could be.......... Trust is a terrible thing to lose with your spouse. But it is possible to rebuild. If given the chance.

Good luck in trying to regain your husband's trust. Because if you are being as evasive and self-excusing with him as you are in your posts to us here, then IMO he's being unwise to trust you. I asked you some specific questions which you didn't answer. Instead you posted what sounds like a bunch of fog-talk and defensive justification to me. And that makes your attitude about the OM's wife standing by her man even more strange. If your husband can manage to give you another chance why shouldn't the OM's wife do so?

Did you come here looking for advice and support in repairing the damage you've done to your marriage? It just seems you're not quite ready to accept full responsibility for what you chose to do (didn't just 'happen' to you...) IMO if you were truly repentant and ready to take responsibility you wouldn't have come back with the you haven't walked in my shoes, and shouldn't judge me fog-talk.

Gypsy Wind, I've bumped a post called WS own your affair for you to have a look at.

It might be worth reading.

Jen (FWW)

bumping up

Hope you post some answers.

Kiwi,
Thanks for the bump in my post. You have to move on and take responsibility for your actions. But you can always encourage others to not follow the path that you took. Learn from those who have made the wrong choices so that you will not do likewise.

I appreciate a positive response to my post. We all are here to heal. Not to beat each other up for what we have done.

Kiwi,
Thanks for the bump in my post. You have to move on and take responsibility for your actions. But you can always encourage others to not follow the path that you took. Learn from those who have made the wrong choices so that you will not do likewise.

I appreciate a positive response to my post. We all are here to heal. Not to beat each other up for what we have done. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Kiwi,
Thanks for the bump in my post. I appreciate reading something that is positive & helpful for all. We are here to heal and help one another learn from their mistakes and poor choices and from the poor mistakes our spouses have made. We shouldn't be here to beat up each other. I don't think that is the purpose of this site.

I was curious about your message title.

Are you looking for answers here?
Are you commenting on the betrayed spouse's need to have answers?
Are you saying one can't really know why things 'happen'?

I also can't help noticing the irony of that message title matched with your strong resistance to answering any specific questions about your affair.

There are many experienced posters here who could help you restore your marriage if you would stop being so vague and defensive.
Really the kinds of questions you're being asked are typical here and usually a wayward spouse who wants to do everything possible to repair the damage they've done doesn't view such questions as being 'beat up'!

You keep saying that you are ready to take responsibility... but you also keep saying that things just happen, you shouldn't be judged, we haven't walked in your shoes, the OM played you and was a cad, it wasn't really as bad a betrayal as somebody else claims, you needed what the OM was giving you...

BTW, most of us here HAVE walked in your shoes.
There are many former WS's here. And they are the ones who can usually detect and confront residual justification from WS's who are still lingering in the fog a bit.

And why would you assume that the BS's who post here have never been faced with the same temptation you chose to partake in? I could tell you of literally dozens of times that married men have come on to me BUT got absolutely nowhere. And NO it was NOT because my WH was meeting all of my needs LOL! I assure you I wanted and needed the attention those cads were ready to give to me. And turning down their offers meant going without many things I did need and deserve (from my WH).

Also, if you truly want to know how your WH feels and want to do all you can to help him heal and trust you again, what better way than to become accountable? Listen, your WH found out about your betrayal because somebody else exposed it to him - NOT because you confessed. Plus there's the added doubt in his mind because your version apparently differs a great deal from what the informant told him. Do you want to learn, from betrayed spouses, what it would take to regain your husband's trust and ease his fears? Or do you just want somebody to assure you that what you did was understandable?

One thing you definitely will need to accept in order for your marriage to survive is that your husband has a right to know everything. And right now he SHOULDN'T trust anything you say without proof! It is very common for the wayward spouse to try to do damage control and not want to talk about it or give details.
That attitude just makes it more difficult for the betrayed spouse to forgive and trust again.

Of course the posters here don't have a right to know all the details. But it's doubtful your marriage will get any help from the posters here if you all you do is say it happened, it was understandable, and you don't want to talk about it.

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Meremortal,
Thanks for your recent post I truly appreciate your input. My spouse and I have regained trust. I have worked exceedingly hard that the boundaries are set in place for us both. Especially me since I was the offending party.
Things are good. In the past couple of months our marriage seems to have regained the foothold that it once had. The hurt & pain I caused my spouse was horrible. Am I sorry for what I did
extremely. If I could put myself in a time machine and go back and change history if I had an opportunity. I would. But that's not life.
I made my mistakes and I have had to lie in it as they say. As I should have. Thank goodness my husband and I have a strong faith to turn to when noting seems right, understandable or livable at the time. I know it has been God that has been able to cleanse the past and point us on a road to a happy and healthy future together. I try not to focus on what I did. It doesn't help change things. I have been completely open and honest with my spouse and have shared all that he has asked of me. The hardest thing is forgiving yourself for the harm you did to others in a selfish act. During a counseling session we talked about how I had always been the "good girl" the one who did everything right. I grew up in a great family with a lot of love and never desired to cross the line or compromise my priciples. Then I made the biggest mistake of my life. Why, because I was in love I thought. Very needy at the time. So was the other person. We both felt great remorse for what we had done and went back to our families to be the spouses we should be...... It was more of an emotional than physical affair which is far more damaging than the physical. Why did it happen? Because 2 friends should have placed boundaries on their friendship became too close. Both never thought it would have happened and it never should have.

Hi GypsyWind,

I'm still curious what answers/questions you're seeking info about (if that's what your message title means).

How did you regain your husbands trust?

What does your husband think of the info/posts at this site?

Gypsy,

I will be away most of the weekend (daughter's competing at Empire State Games in Lake Placid).

But I hope to find some answers from you when I check back in.

Your message title sounds sort of like you're implying that one can never really know what needs to be known to sort out what causes affairs? Or are you saying something about the betrayed spouse's need to know why it happened?
Please clarify so you can get all the help you need to repair your marriage.

<small>[ February 28, 2005, 07:55 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

MereMortal,
Not sure why I came to the site. Guess I thought I could help others where I have been. Seems like the BS is the highest number on this site and that is a shame because I believe that there is help for BS and WS on this site. Never thought that I would be able to repair what damage I had contributed to my marriage. But after counseling I realized that the stage was ripe for me to seek other people to fulfill a need that I had in my life. I watched the movie Shall We Dance last night and enjoyed it. Although it triggered some unpleasant memories at the same time. If you have not seen the movie I recommend you watch it. It is a great movie of how an affair could happen, and when it doesn't how a couple can reinvest time in each other to make love exiciting and meaningful once again.

I guess the reason that I phrased my post...do you ever have the answer is because sometimes I don't think you truly do. Things happen, people act in irrational ways and sometimes without a just cause. I know in my case my marriage revolved around our children which was a good thing. But my spouse having come from a home where there was not much attention paid to he or his sister wanted to make up for it in his kids. I'm not saying that is a bad thing. But you do need to include your spouse in your life as well. He lost sight of us as a couple. He is a busy business man and he devoted every waking hour to his kids. I was in the shadows. I cheered on his endeavors to be a good Dad, but I too needed some attention. I was going through a very trying time in my life, both parents who are older were very ill. Both were on the verge of dying. His family does not deal with emotion well. It is not that they care but they are not the huggy touchy type that my family and I are....
We have learned through our counseling sessions and lots of thought that he married me because I am a loving, and affectionate person. I often put others before my own needs and did for many years. But sometimes there comes a time in ones life where your glass is empty and you too need to be filled. That is what got me into trouble looking for attention and affection outside of my marriage. It was not a planned thing. A friendship where both of us were having troubles and we were able to help each other. We were very much alike. Uncanningly. But not a good scenerio. I figured that helping others can be a very dangerous thing. Because as some say you can fall in love with your counselor because they appear to be your saviour. You have what they call transferance of your feelings because you are feeing validated and appreciated. I don't know if this answered any of your questions. I have come a long way. Have healed as my husband and marriage has and I find great comfort in knowing that I can offer suggestions to others so that they will not follow the path I took for a short time. I love my family and truly know what it is and how and important they are ....when I almost lost them. My children and spouse are my world. I would have died without them. Look forward to hearing from you. Gypsy