Yes. It is really working on your marriage. Actions spead louder than words, especially with men who are egotistical and prideful.

So he did ask the boss and the boss said "okay." I don't know if the boss hesitated, or dragged his feet, or really didn't care. All I heard was, "He said you could go."

logically...human nature..

it's a social dinner...not like a business meeting...

your husband...

would it be OK tom..if I brought the wife to dinner?

bosses answer...
Of course that would be fine...now about that proposal....blah blah...

I think a lot of this hype if your husband attempting to keep up the appearance that he fights so hard to maintain...

the no spouse allowed rule...and we all know why he advocated so hard for that in the past...

mulan...how much of his reluctance at this point is not based on current company policy...but YOU finding out more than he wants your find out about past behaviors...AND you intruding on his territory of mister charmer....

ARK

Spidey - thank you for your response. He is "stuck with it" because he has tried for years to argue and bully me into going along with the idea that spouses don't belong, and he has SAID to this day that he STILL agrees with this policy.

He invited me to this the day after I informed him I would be moving out when our son graduated from high school. This little invite came only came when absolutely nothing else worked.

And I have been to a couple of things like this before, when I was really freaking out over finding out what his philosophy really was. So he invited me to a couple of things when his special female friends weren't going to be there, but he was clearly very uncomfortalbe with my being there. He sat at a little distnace so I wouldn't touch him or anything (horrors! that's only for female co-workers!) He let me pay for my own separate check while he made a show of putting everyone else's on his own Corporate credit card. Stuff like that. Nice.

Ever heard the expression for being unwelcome: "I feel like a turd in a punch bowl?" That's what it feels like to go out with him to one of these things.

And when the attractive girls ARE there -- forget it. I spend the whole evening looking at the back of his head.

I really do not want to put myeslf through either situation again. I really don't have the stomach for it anymore. Whether I go or not is really about protecting myself, now, since I know he's not going to do it. (I have been treated VERY disrespectfully TO MY FACE by his girls in the past, and to this day he has not one word to say about their behavior.)

Okay. I wanted to be invited to a work party, and I got an invitation -- but it's a very begrudging, this-is-what-you-wanted-so-shut-up-and-I-still-don't-think-you-belong-there kind of invitation.

That's why I'm just not sure what to do.
Mulan

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mulan:
<strong> ...Okay, all: What if I politely said, "Thank you for the invitation, but I would rather wait and go when something like this is not a problem for you?" Because that really IS how I feel.
Mulan </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mulan,

In all honesty, if someone said that me. I w/b pissed. After all I 'supposedly' went through and then to have you back down? That certainly would NOT make me want to work on anything much less a marriage relationship.

Your H could see this as a manipulative attempt. Make him NOT want to work with you since you bug then drop when he calls..... 'your bluff'.

Think about it Mulan, if he did this to you, how would you feel? Grumbled about something for a while and then when you agree to do this something with him, he backs down. Can you see it?

You have made a big deal about these parties to him, if he makes this offer (bluff or not) and you don't take it, then why should he work with you on other things?

JMHO,
L.

mulan/..

are you moving out when your son graduates highschool..
cause if you are then there is no point in going...and you shouldn't waste an ounce of energy on it..

is this dinner going to change that issue...
is this what he needs to do for you not to move out..
or is there other stuff....
ARK

Well, with all that information, it all looks a lot different to me. I didn't realize.

It is interesting, though, that he would try a last-ditch effort to keep you, since he seems to not have much respect for you.

His actions are so cavalier regarding you, like he doesn't care about alienating you or hurting you, but he still wants to be M'd to you?

Do you have any thoughts on what is going on with that?

The more I learn about this the more I think you should go.

If he ASKED his boss specifically about you and you don't go, he may see this as "damaging" and this could just prove his supposed idea that spouse and professional life shouldn't be mixed.

Plus, it seems that what you don't like about this situtation is his 'opinion" about it. (i.e., my wife should not be a part of my professional life.)

Going is the only way for him to change his feelings about it.

Plus, you are following through when he respects your wish. Wouldn't you want him to do the same?

It almost seems like the title of this thread should be called: "Should I do the "wrong" thing for the right reasons?"

***mulan...how much of his reluctance at this point is not based on current company policy...but YOU finding out more than he wants your find out about past behaviors...AND you intruding on his territory of mister charmer....***
ARK

Well, gee, ARK, let me think . . . my estimate is that it's about one billion.27 percent about all of the above . . . but that's just a casual estimate on my part!

And if it's wrong to shut out your spouse and date your co-worker NOW, it was wrong in the past, too, and he will NEVER admit that. He doesn't do things that might make him look bad. He got violently angry with our teenage son when Son asked him once if he'd ever smoked dope as a kid. Why would he get angry over that? Because he *did* smoke dope as a kid (he told me long ago) but he never admits to any wrongdoing of any kind. Other people had better back off OR ELSE.

He also got violently angry when I asked him how far his physical relationship went with these girls. You do the math.

So: if he invites me now, and changes his philosophy on spouses at work activites, that would mean his past behavior as every cute female co-worker's best pal was somehow wrong and that his beloved company's philosophy is wrong, too. But if he doesn't change his philosophy, his wife is going to leave him because she's finally had enough.

Ever seen Robbie the Robot when something does not compute, and the wheels in his transparent head start spinning and smoke starts seeping out of his neck? That's the state H gets into whenever he has to deal with this.
Mulan

Mulan,

My last post was written before you posted. So let me ask another quesition.

Knowing how these other parties went, you still asked to go again?

Seems like both of you like to play the manipulative game. There are no winners when that happens.

You use moving out threat card (regardless of whether you mean it or not), he uses the dinner card knowing how uncomfortable you w/b.

Who is looking out for the family? Which one of you are looking out for the interest of the other spouse, as a spouse?

Stop the games. Sit your H down and call a truce regarding these games. Don't threaten to leave, just leave. If u 2 have to resort to this level to communicate maybe you s/b separated. Remember you both choose to do this. Only you can choose to stop playing. Let him know he can choose also.

You can ask, why be married to someone he feels isn't good enough to be his constant companion? See what he says. It may hurt but it may help you heal. It also may make him think. You both really need to appreciate each other. Your LB for him is draining quickly.

JMHO,
L.

Sorry, but I am new here. He had A's at work!!??

Let me get this logic straight....bringing my W to an evening professional function might be damaging to my career, but fooling around with co-workers is NOT????

Mulan, I don't want to fuel the fire, but how does he reconcile this?


PS I should note that I am a FWS. I don't want to give any misreps.

***Let me get this logic straight....bringing my W to an evening professional function might be damaging to my career, but fooling around with co-workers is NOT????***

Exactly. This is what I am dealing with. He has been insisting on exactly this situation for years. NOTHING changes his mind on this.

***Mulan, I don't want to fuel the fire, but how does he reconcile this?***

By glaring at me and snarling, "I'm sorry I hurt you." And by continuing to insist that spouses don't belong at work functions.

Orchid, I is supposed to be workin', and I will get back to you when I can - thanks -
mulan

Mulan,

I hope you didn't get too hurt by my post. I want to see you be succeed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BTW, we watched your movie last night (Mulan II). It was a fun and a loving movie. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It showed a conflict between Mulan and the General. It's only a cartoon but maybe your H should see it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Will await your response after work.

Have a nice day.

L.

Mulan, I would go. I would buy something gorgeous and expensive but appropriate for the occasion. (Be that a suit or whatever.) I'd wear something similar but a little but splashier than what the women there would be wearing. Since you are a spouse, you don't have to be quite so conservative. Beautiful jewelry, don't forget the bling, bling. Perfect hair. Subtle, effective makeup.

You may be the only spouse these corporate idiots ever see at a dinner. You must be the shining star for all of us who are staying home cooking dinner for the kid while WS dines well. You must sparkle. Your conversation must be topnotch. Do a little research on the company. Have some amusing stories up your sleeve. Give 'em that blast of charm that melts the ice. Have the men think "WOW" Have the women think "Why does her [censored] husband cheat when he's got HER at home?"

MY WH's corporate culture isn't quite as exteme as your WH's. (Although affairs do seem to be tolerated <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ) I've often had to opportunity to go out with the work folk, generally guys, especially if I've been on a trip with him. I always come out 'way ahead. Often these people are BORED with each other. I think that's one of the reasons the little sex games begin. They have to do something to liven it up. They welcome some new blood. And if you are attractive, witty and intelligent (all of which I am quite sure you are, Mulan!), you can make the party. Your WH may see you in a new light. Corporate may see spouses in a new light.

BTW: I'm glad you are making some plans. I haven't been at MB for that long but I worry about you. It seems like you've been struggling with an intolerable situation for an awful long time. Good luck.

Mulan,
Hey, this may not be Exactly what you wanted.....but it sure is moving in the Right Direction. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Cause lets be honest: Your NEVER going to get to the goal that would be the best in your mind (that being changing the corporate culture's mentality concerning spouses at functions and even A's in general).

However, you have achieved the invite (at least from your own H).
This IS (for Now) about the best you can hope for.

I believe You SHOULD go (and in fact, should go to Every Situation you can get an invite to).

I know it's not a Cure All, all by itself.

On the other hand it is a way to Share in some of these times WITH your H.
(Thereby at least beginning to "TEACH" him that fun at home and office aren't necessarily mutually exclusive.)

In addition, it will keep him from reaching out to these "other" women to enjoy these times with. So he's making fun and positive memories WITH you , and reducing his dependency on others.

Let him begin to make that "connection" and associate it with YOU!

You know....helping to eliminate the NEED for that whole 2nd / secrete life problem.

Your going also sends a strong message that even if it is OK with all the other spouses (to engage in this crap)....this type of behavior is NOT all right with Mulan.
As a result, That may give some others pause to even get involved with your H in the first place (as there must be soooo many other persons that present a lot less future "hassles" and problems than Mulan's H).

IT shows both HIM and them, that YOU are serious about this.

I realize that there is a price to pay for you also (being somewhat uncomfortable and out of place).... at least at the beginning.
However, once EVERYONE knows that Mulan "will" be attending these types of things (if her H does)....then slowly everyone will get used to it and it won't be as big a problem for anyone.

But it does take you taking these first steps....and also NOT letting them make you feel like not attending any more. Cause make no mistake, in their eyes YOU ARE a threat (to their way of life).
If they CAN get you to not come back (they will).

Don't let them win.

IMO you NEED to do this, and here's your opportunity.
Even if your H is ONLY doing this to placate you......So What???

He'll LEARN (over time) to enjoy these functions with YOU!!

And perhaps in the future (once he's Broken of this "Habit" he has of wanting to stray at functions)....you'll be able to NOT have to go.[perhaps?? ]

I say that as this IS (& has been) such a HUGE issue with You, that now that you've been given an invite.....there is NO WAY that you can't Go!

Hope you have a good time!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ....and if your H does as well, all the better.

<small>[ February 20, 2005, 06:13 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mulan:
She has gotten a paying job, been saving her money and is counting the days until her teenage son graduates from school and moves on.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And what will happen then, Mulan??

And after that, if I am still someone that he clearly does not need, then I move on to make my own life. I am alone anyway. At least I will have a *chance* to find someone who actually did value my presence and want to be with me instead of being ignored and told I don't belong.

Had enough of that.
Mulan

What about the effect on your son for his parents to be divorced? Not that you should make your choices based on his needs. I just wondered your thoughts on this.


Mind you, this is from a woman who grieved when her parents divorced when she was 30 y.o.....spent years praying and hoping that they would get back together...they almost did just before my F died....

<small>[ February 21, 2005, 07:20 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

***What about the effect on your son for his parents to be divorced? Not that you should make your choices based on his needs. I just wondered your thoughts on this.***

I have stayed this far because of my son. He is a junior in high school now. Once he is out and no longer needs me, there is no reason to stay if things have not changed.

I understand the sentiment, Mimi, and I feel the same, but I cannot be married by myself. I haven't given up yet, but it's just a fact that I can't be married by myself. That's not a marriage at all.
Mulan

Mulan:

I'm beginning to understand what you are saying about your M.

Your son struck a chord with me. My sons are 22 and 18 and continue to still need me, too much as far as I am concerned. My 22yo seems to especially need his "Daddy" right now as he learning more and more about being a man. In a recent conversation with him, he asked "Are y'all (Southern) really all right? "(referring to the M). "I love Y'all so much". This is translated to mean, "I need for you to be together". However, I have told both of them through this, as you are thinking Mulan, "you need to go on with your own lives now and make your own families when you are ready".

<small>[ February 21, 2005, 12:12 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>