</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In the mediation, I strongly recommend you stick to the fundamental requirement - joint decisions are required. This is non-negotiable, not subject to mediation. The mediator ought to understand this. Do not let go or budge from this "floor." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I will. Thank you WAT.

Weaver,

Glad to see you're getting such good support here. A thought for you is to gather as much information from your teacher as you can as you prepare for your mediation issues.

In an IEP the teacher can make recommendations for a structure at home once the situation is completely understood. (Maybe with your XH's new wife around he has less time to spend with your daughter on homework?) Who knows? Anyway, the teacher should be the one to make the recommendations, keeps you from being in the position of "telling your husband" what to do; which of course he'll do the opposite

And until the situation is completely understood, I don't think any consequence/punishment should be imposed.

Once you get her back for your rotation, you can make your own observations to see where you think the problem is and work as much magic as you can during the time you have her.

Blessings to you!

I did meet with her teacher on Friday, and she did offer to help in anyway.

She has been watching my DD quite closely to see if there is a problem with a particular kid at school bothering her or something.

I agree wholeheartedly with you about the punishment. A little too swift and too severe in my opinion.

Thanks Csue, and BB to you too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If her progress dramatically improves while she is with you, it will add more weight to your side of the mediation. Was she having these kind of problems during the previous months when you had her?

I think 4 months on, 4 months off stinks. It seems like a strange routine. Like she settles in only to be ripped up again. Maybe DD is ready for a change in this agreement. Would she be open to talking about what SHE needs to make her life better? 10 is young but kids have opinions too. If you live close, you could model a more healthy cooperative situation. Of course, XH and new W could have to cooperate too. I know several divorced couples who share custody just fine.

Good luck!

Yes, it does suck. But it is better than shorter durations because she didn't get settled at all.

If she does dramatically better with me, as she did when I had full custody then I will have to go to court to get her back full time. As Into the Black said, and the atty told me to, it will be a long, expensive and ugly battle. One I will be better off avoiding so I am hoping through mediation with Friend of the Court we can work together for her good.

Her stepmom is expecting a baby in April, I am really hoping her dad will not be so opposed to her coming back to live with me then. But I don't expect that to happen. It is a power thing with him and his new wife.

I have asked her if she was happier when it was just me she lived with, and she used to say that she wanted to live with her dad too. Last time I asked she said she wanted to live with her aunt and uncle! She just wants a normal life and who can blame her. She has never known her dad and I to live together but even still wants us to be together. I guess kids will always want that, even when they have never had it.

Thanks for taking so much time with me GG! I appreciate it so much.

I am on this major salmon diet for the skin. Three days of salmon, cantaloup and salad greens. With lots of water. Supposed to be wonderful for the skin. It's the Perricone diet. So off to the store for more Salmon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I rec'd a lot of input when I posted this, which I am very thankful for. Even the input which differed from own opinion, as it helped me to calm down a bit and look at other possible viewpoints.

I have medidation scheduled at the courthouse on Mar 11th. He is required to attend, it is not optional as it was when before the 50/50 custody was made legal through his sueing me, and me agreeing rather than fighting him on it.

Anyway I had my DD this weekend and will get her back Tuesday night again for her four month stint at my house. He actually made me take her back to him for these two days, but that is the way he is. Even though there is a blizzard right now and he lives way out in the country. Anyhow.....

She told me that he let her go right back to cheerleading the following week after speaking to her teacher. The poor progress report was for missed assignments but she has since made them up and is back on track. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He also never took away her computer and tv privs, just the cheerleading. That is opposite of what I would have done but since I had no input or knowledge, what does it matter? Nothing to him obviously.

I am still extremely bothered by this non communication and non joint decision making. I care more for my daughter, her happiness and her future than I do my own life, like most parents and this really hits me hard. That he can make decisions independently from me, and so very contrary to what I would do.

I am bumping this for others who may go through this and because our dear O asked me to update her on it.

Just wanted to let everyone know that mediation is scheduled and I will work hard to avoid a custody battle, but I will also not compromise what I believe to be in the best interest of my DD. Which is input from her mother, as I am her biggest advocate and fan.

I also am planning on writing down WAT's advise to make sure the "joint decision making" is what is on the floor, and that it is non-negotiable.

Thank you again everyone.

Weaver,

I've been out of town and am trying to catch up on all the posts I've missed!

Glad to see you got mediation scheduled - I haven't been in your situation, but surely others have and could offer some insight/strategy.

I'd hate to see this turn into an unnecessary battle...what are your thoughts as to what "win" looks like?

weaver,

I'm not sure to what extent you want your DD's father to contact you to discuss disciplinary actions, seeing as how he has her for 4 months at a time. He has the same disciplinary responsibilities that you do. Do you also consult with him when you have your DD?

I find it ironic that he is being called out for supposedly being excessive when applying disciplinary action. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She told me that he let her go right back to cheerleading the following week after speaking to her teacher. The poor progress report was for missed assignments but she has since made them up and is back on track. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sounds like his approach worked well and got your DD's attention refocused on priorities.

I would think that most parents would be concerned about just the opposite...that your DD would be living the life of Riley for 4 months with little or no discipline.

It sounds like you two have a lot to discuss in mediation. Good luck to you.

Weaver, you know I have no experience to qualify me to talk about this stuff...

Those four-month stretches when she's away must be frightening, when you feel her father is spending energy trying to undermine you as a force in DD's life. Probably why you're sensitive to being left out of decisions, huh?

Ick.

{{{{weaver}}}}

GC

WAT,

You sed,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> In the mediation, I strongly recommend you stick to the fundamental requirement - joint decisions are required. This is non-negotiable, not subject to mediation. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But what does that mean in the real world?

Weaver says "she's going to be a cheerleader". Mr X-Weaver says "she's not going to be a cheerleader." They are stuck. The rule you insist on does not help at all. There has to be a tiebreaker.

In my state, we don't do 50/50. There is always a "primary". So, I'll quote for you from the paper my lawyer gave me ....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Alabama court says
<strong>
(10) Both parents agree that they shall discuss and consider the wishes of the other parent in all major decisions to be made regarding the minor children, including but not limited to medical, dental, religious, educational and recreational activities. Provided, however, that in the event of a dispute between the parties, the custodial parent shall make the final decision on any such issue.
</strong>
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The real-world effect of this is that the "custodial parent" (aka Mom) calls the shots. All those other fine words mean nothing. I don't like it, but that's the way it will be.

In a 50/50, nobody calls the shots and there is no end of disputes - which, IMHO - is worse. I agree with Weaver about that.

-AD

Csue -

A win situation for me would be that her dad and I communicate about her progress reports, her weight gain, etc and come up with ideas about how to handle together. Like it was before I agreed to 50/50 and he married. It's like all of a sudden he thinks his new wife is Paiges mom and better equipped to make these kinds of decisions with him than I. He even told me at her last conference when I asked who helped her with her social studies project (it was too elaborate for her to do on her own) that her "parents" helped her. Meaning him and his wife. I let that go by with only saying that I was her parent not his wife. But now I am seeing that this is really what they are doing. Creating a new family with step mom as mom, and I think this is damaging to her. It's the weirdest thing what is happening.

Ba -

It is the fact that he did not even tell me of her progress report, nor that he made her quit cheerleading. I think the real reason he let her go back the following week was because he got the letter from the court. He didn't tell her she would only miss one game, he said she was finished with it for the year. He could have cut out the phone and computer and the tv, and weekend outings with friends to the pool or skating rink.

I consider her after school activities to be part of her school. She joined a team, and has a responsiblity to her team. My rule is that she ha s to participate in one school activity each year. I feel these are important parts of school and learning.

He told me it was none of my business when I asked him to re-consider, and could we talk about it. Do you think that is good parenting? He wouldn't even discuss with me what could be the cause of her bad grades. In fact he hung up on me, and I was being as calm as I could be.

And yes I always discussed things with him, even asked him what he thought would be best for her to take - guitar or piano. He said guitar, I wanted piano but I agreed with guitar. Now when I try to talk to him he has the most hateful, arrogant tone. Like I am just annoying as h@ll, and he wishes I would go away. Please understand I have only talked to him twice in the last couple of months. That is how bad it has gotten since his marriage last June.

Gray -

Thank you!

I just realized in the face of what others are facing this probably sounds pretty menial.

Please understand that I had sole custody of her until she was 8 1/2 yo. I ageed to 50/50 without being forced to. She only lived with me before that so this is all new to her too. It is an adjustment and I am trying to learn ways to deal with it that are helpful, not make it worse.

I have only a sister here in town and no parents to discuss this with. So it might seem bigger to me than it is.

My mom probably would have said to just do the best I can when she is with me and let the other stuff go.

Weaver,

I like your "win". You've probably already thought of this, but I think you should put your goal in writing, along with the important background information - especially the part where you had sole custody for so long, and willingly went 50/50.

Your "script", will sound non-emotional, professional, and be reasonable. If you go prepared - I think your chances of getting what you want are good! Don't let the fears of what might happen cloud your win!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AD:
<strong> WAT,

You sed,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> In the mediation, I strongly recommend you stick to the fundamental requirement - joint decisions are required. This is non-negotiable, not subject to mediation. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But what does that mean in the real world?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi AD - I suspect you missed the subtlety in my recommendation to weaver. Perhaps I should have explained it in more detail with an example - but I think weave got it.

Her starting problem in this regard was the fact that her XH made a unilateral decision. Weaver was not even afforded an opportunity to weigh in. Her XH violated the "joint decisions" provisions of their binding custody arrangement.

I recommended that the "joint decisions" are not negotiable - and I think I'm right. They are BOTH required to participate in certain decisions, which means whoever is on the front line has to consult the other. This doesn't mean that there will always be joint agreement.

So weaver's non-negotiable, non-mediation "floor" is that there must be joint decisions. No compromise, nothing to mediate, do not pass GO, do not collect $200. Where mediation CAN play a role is to establish how disagreements will be resolved. In other words, mediation isn't needed when clear requirements already exist. The requirements are already established. For weaver, this was the starting point - not something to arrive at via mediation.

Unfortunately, people can get side tracked being sucked in to distractions in the guise of new problems - "mediation" when none is needed. Even (bad) attorneys get sucked in.

Hope this helps.

WAT

Hi Weaver,

This doesn't seem menial at all to me. My baby is only 1 month old but I can already envision all the "discussions" that await me in the future. Reading how you handle it and the advice you are getting is very helpful to me and I'm sure to other lurkers.

Thanks very much for posting.

GDF

GDF,

Hopefully you will be able to save your marriage and will not have to deal with this.

It is a very good argument for doing what you can for as long as you can to get WS back into the family.

And I am new at this so this has really, really been helpful to me. I mean we didn't learn in school how to be good divorced parents. LOL

AD,

I'm sorry I missed your post before. I like your state. And I agree that 50/50 is not the best solution. It is my opinion (now) that a child should live in one home and visit the other. However there are fathers like WAT who could not have excepted only visitation, and that is where things could really get ugly in a divore/child custody case I think. It would not have been fair for him or his son, had he not gotten 50/50.

This is why I agreed to it with my DD's dad. I thought we could maintain a good co-parenting relationship. Did not realize the influence others (new wife) would have on the sitch.

Weaver, is there an element of jealousy involved on your side? I only ask because I think it must be so difficult to allow another person to 'parent' your child. Given the way OW entered our life, I'd be outraged at the thought of my children spending so much time with her.

I know your situation is different but is it hard to be objective? Is your DD perfectly happy with the way things are in your opinion?

I know your 4 months are coming up. I hope you spend some quality time together. You must be very excited. Enjoy! TT

Weaver,

You seem like a very reasonable lady. Thanks for not taking offense at my post supporting your H's position. It clearly is very difficult for two people who were unable to stand living with each other to co-parent - or to do anything cooperatively. I don't know any solution.

Your H's position seemed reasonable to me. While I would never want my DD to be in cheerleading under any circumstance, I can accept that your postion also is reasonable. Without a tiebreaker, she is doomed to be pushed and pulled back and forth.

I still don't understand WAT's point about cooperative parenting under 50/50 custody. If your XH had called and "consulted" with you, and then did what he thought best anyway, I don't see that the results would be any different.

It is painful to see - and to know that my DD will face similar situations in the future - and I will have no say in it. I don't have any problem with my W's intentions in parenting, but I do have concerns about her execution.

The only reason I would agree to my STBXW having primary custody is that I figure the battle would be very damaging to all - and I would probably lose - while standard visitation here would give me 10 overnights a month (plus a month in the summer etc.) without a fight. I'm resigned to it.

-AD

Weaver, sorry my post is not clear. I know Paige is not OW. I was thinking and meant to say also that if you thought the stepmum was ignoring your DD and not helping her with her homework and disciplining her when necessary, that might also be unacceptable. I just hope you can all come to a swift, satisfactory agreement. Good luck Weaver. TT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The only reason I would agree to my STBXW having primary custody is that I figure the battle would be very damaging to all - and I would probably lose - while standard visitation here would give me 10 overnights a month (plus a month in the summer etc.) without a fight. I'm resigned to it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was advised by all the atty's I called when he sued me for 50/50 that to fight it would be very, very ugly. And since he is her dad and is far from unfit I had no desire to drag him through the mud. I think Michigan is a very pro-Dad state.

AD - I did not know you were getting divorced. The last post I read of yours their was NC and you were trying to not conflict avoid and to implement some boundaries. I am so sorry. I will have to look up your most recent threads. I completely missed this. Hopefully something will change and this will not come to pass.

Oh and I do not wish her to be a cheerleading either, but it was her choice to join and she must stick it out for the year. I don't have anything against cheerleading however and in the early grades it is a fun thing for little girls.

TT - Yes the opposite scenario would be bad too. Why can't she just be a good host and good friend like a step parent is supposed to be? Thank you for your encouragement. I read all your "stuff" you know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />