Weaver,

Thanks for remembering me.

I haven't talked much about D on MB. I still don't know what will happen - but my direction right now is to say enough is enough. She promised NC for her own self-respect (she said), not to please me. The next week, I know that she at least tried to see OM. I'm sure that if I wanted to, I could stay married for another couple of years, but I'm just tired of this. Other than the chance to live with my daughter every day, there is nothing in it for me.

OM has been in the picture for our entire marriage - and I don't want to wait another 2, 3, 4 years and still end up divorced - and in worse financial shape - with even worse prospects.

Honestly I really really want to have a family. That's all I want. At almost 47, the prospects are grim - but at 49, 50, 51 the odds are nearing zero. Yes, I know I could find "somebody" who wanted to be a wife and mom - even after I'm 50 - but at some point I have to acknowledge that I might not be up to it - and I would once again end up married to somebody 20 years younger, who would almost certainly realize soon that it was a bad deal for them.

So, the sooner I finish with the wife who doesn't want me, the better my chances - even if they are pretty bad in any case. The clock and calendar won't stop turning while my w figures out if she can love me or not.

I do give footrubs (and W has often commented that she suspects that nobody will be willing to rub her feet after we D), but I suspect that won't be enough to overcome my age.

-AD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AD:
<strong>I still don't understand WAT's point about cooperative parenting under 50/50 custody. If your XH had called and "consulted" with you, and then did what he thought best anyway, I don't see that the results would be any different.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me try again.

Had the XH gone through the motions of "consulting", things may indeed not have been any different in weaver's example - and resolving those type disagreements would have been a valid topic for mediation, e.g., how to compromise.

My point to weaver was to NOT get sucked into mediating the fundamental requirement - that of joint decision making.

Better?

weave, you understand the difference, right?

WAT

Oh yes, I understand the difference. I am not so concerned with him disagreeing with me as I am with him totally and completely discounting me.

I am more than willing to compromise (sp), I need to know that we both have our DD's best interest at heart. We are supposed to be a united front. Hence the joint everything, including and probably most importantly the joint decisions. I need to know that she knows who her parents are, and that this cannot be compromised. I believe her emotional health depends on it.

I am very easy going and very easily influenced when the argument is valid. And he knows this. This is why I am so troubled. There is no reason for him to do this.

AD - I have to say I am surprised. Didn't think you had it in you really. You kept excusing her behaviour because of her tragic childhood. This may very well open her eyes.

In the dating arena, you are not over aged for a man to have a family. I know quite a few ladies still of childbearing age but also of maturity which you WW seems to lack (right now).

I still hate to see you divorced as I worry about your WW, but she needs to have her eyes opened somehow. She needs to somehow see that she is responsible for the way she is now, regardless of where she came from.

Best of luck to you. Can't help but be a little glad that you have found your own self worth and are willing to do what you need to do to have what you want for your life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AD:
<strong>In a 50/50, nobody calls the shots and there is no end of disputes - which, IMHO - is worse. I agree with Weaver about that.

-AD </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not really. I have 50-50 and when 2 party can't agree, the mediator will recomend it to the court. However 99.9% the judge will take the mediator's and the burden of prove is on the ex that disagree. My lawyer had sneaked in a clause to go to this family therapist as mediator in any future dispute. This family therapist takes no bullsh!t from exW, she was a betrayed spouse and hostile/clueless exH !!!. Yes, my exW had tried butt head but futile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

So ... in 50-50 CC you have to make sure to have a court appointed family therapist as mediator, get the one that frequently used by the court (respected) and pro-family. He/she would be the tie breaker. It is futile to dispute his/her decision in court unless you have deep $$$ to pay lawyer and "better" shrink than the court appointed. If you don't have that clause the hostile spouse could keep dragging you to court.

In non-50/50 ... what if the "insane" spouse get the legal custody ?.

-JMVHO- rh

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong> In non-50/50 ... what if the "insane" spouse get the legal custody ?.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Been there. Very bad.

Weaver,

Thanks for the encouraging words.

I still think there is a small chance for us, but it is perhaps 15% now.

Since WAT and Redhat commented on my posts, I hope you don't mind if I respond - then back to your story. OK?

WAT,

I get it now. It's mostly about showing respect to each other.

Redhat,

I don't think my W is insane, and 90% of the time she is a good Mom. In some ways, she is getting better at it - possibly because DD is mostly past the whining stage. W can't stand whining. Also, W wants things like private school that will not be funded in the settlement, so if she wants me to pay for the extras (outside the settlement), she'll have to behave herself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

-AD