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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tanelornpete: <strong> OK I BLEW PLAN B TONIGHT. Dangit. Got into a 1 hour TM disussion with my wife, where things turned to what a creep I am...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey, I had nothing to do with your discussion.... TM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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<small>[ February 23, 2005, 02:16 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>
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David-
I am glad that you at least found some peace. It feels good when you get to see your spouse for a sec, doesn't it?
-Caren
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CarenMc:
<strong> David-
I am glad that you at least found some peace. It feels good when you get to see your spouse for a sec, doesn't it?
-Caren </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah. Probably won't get her back, but at least I learned some things that might help in the future.....
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong> There, right there, she admitted she was too controlling. Now that's a piece of evidence you can use.
As for the other stuff it's babble.
My question to you is: Was getting that info worth the price you paid?
L. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To tel you the truth, L, the conversation I had with her was not much use. It was in working over the babble, and accusations, and froth, with a good friend, that I suddenly realized that a lot of her complaints about me shouldn't be complaints - maybe I do take a little extra time to think something thru before I spit it out, unlike she, who can snapp to a judgment in a flash.
But a lot of things I am - are good things, and valuable things that I can offer a marriage - that I spent years feeling stupid or guilty for.
So the conversatiom: more pain that good. But in working past the pain, a lot of good came out. Just too bad it wasn't W that was realizing that good, nor helping me see that good.
Oh well...
David
<small>[ February 23, 2005, 02:20 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>
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Got a bit more sleep. Had awful dreams (well, not awful, until you wake up and realize they aren't true)
Today sucks. Trying to keep busy, but an more or less just spinning my wheels. Maybe I'll just go back to bed.
David
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Question for those of you who have been thru Plan B before - how long does it take before things get better?
I realize speaking with WW started the whole process over, and afer a good talk with my IC I felt alright - but today, I feel worse than I have in a long time - almost the same shock as D-Day itself. This makes no sense. She's already been gone for almost a month - at some point there has to be a place where rest can come - to put it mildly, I'm nowhere near there. I'm so far out in lost land I can't think of which dang chore to do on my danged list - and it's numbered! Stupid, yes, but damn!
Realize I'm more of a pest than a guest here - still needed to vent a bit.....
David
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I prefer to spend my time in solitary ways
Keeping myself to myself
Can't pretend that it's been easy since you went away
Living with somebody else
If you should change your mind
If you should turn around and look behind
If you could see me the way I used to be
At the risk of bringing back the sorrow and despair
I would do it all again
Holding on to memories and pretending not to care
Knowing that the show was soon to end
If only I could change your mind
If only you would change
If I had the chance I'd do it all again
I would do it all again
I remember windy shores on menancholy days
Drifting along with the tide
And the joy of simple things and ordinary ways
Taking it all in my stride
If you should change your mind
If I could let you see what lies behind
If you could need me the way it used to be
Even for the moment of the happy times we shared
Living in my dreams since then
At the risk of losing only castles in the air
Come with me and we can try again
Oh, if I could change your mind
Can't pretend it's not been lonely since you went away
Oh, if I could change your mind
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tanelornpete:
Question for those of you who have been thru Plan B before - how long does it take before things get better?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">depends ... which things?
How you doing? Need a vent?
Pep
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband: <strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tanelornpete: Question for those of you who have been thru Plan B before - how long does it take before things get better? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">depends ... which things? How you doing? Need a vent? Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pep - I don't know. I'm so depressed right now I can't tell which way is up. The damned Post Office sent me some sort of form verifying that my wife's name is no lager at this address. I don't want to complain, but I am in serious depression right now. The house is a mess. I can't get it caught up, there's no one here - kids all at school, and the loneliness is absoultely painful. WW sent me a TM that said "Hi" this morning. I didn't realize it was her because I deleted her phone details off my phone, so all I got was a number I didn't recognize till it was too late. I really miss her, and I don't even know why - I don't think she can stand me at all. I feel like I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. And I want to know how long this hell is going to last because I don't know how much I can stand. David
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Can you call a friend?
Do you have a therapist?
Pep
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WW sent me a TM that said "Hi" this morning. I don't think she can stand me at all. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">David, When was the last time you TM'd someone you can't stand, to say "Hi?" Get my point? Everything you've described, every feeling... I felt the exact same way. In the weeks after my WW left, EVERY time I had ANY kind of contact with her, even a stupid email -- it screwed me up royally and I took a thousand steps backwards. YOU, David, are STILL in the WORST of it. You've had your limbs cut off, half your organs ripped out, and you've been stomped on... and you're still alive, man! Yep, the loneliness is intense... the silence is deafening... but it doesn't stay that way forever. Turn on the TV and leave it on. I couldn't handle the radio for WEEKS (other than NPR). Post here until your fingers bleed... then get yourself out to the store for milk, eggs, and a new keyboard... If you drink, be VERY VERY careful. Did you say that none of your family knows anything about this(?) I think that's not a good thing, but... They - even one family member -- could be VERY helpful. This is THE WORST of it David. You're reading the words of a guy who hasn't been alone in 30 years... I know what you're going thru... and, being the more experienced between the two of us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ... ya gotta trust me... stay tough... it's going to get better. Guess what David? Sooner than you'd ever believe right now, you're going to wake up one morning and think "Wow...how NICE not to have to deal with all that *&@^# STRESS that I'd be feeling if my WW were HERE right now."
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Tpete,
For me the first week was the hardest. I thought I would die and I had been on A/D's for quite some time before that.
The third week I started to feel pretty good.
The fifth week he left a mesage on the machine and I nearly lost it with grief again. But it only took less than a day to bounce back up.
He said that at first the Plan B letter was a huge relief to him, but by the fifth week he was lost and missing me terribly.
It takes time and you are going through the worst right now. It will get alot better.
You can do this Tpete, all you got to do right now is hang on.
Hugs to you guy!
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David,
This is withdrawal. Please remember how this feels if your wife ends the affair and coems home, because she is going to go thru the same thing with her missing the OM. And it aint gonna feel good for you!! But you know she will have to go thru it...and you will know how it feels.
How long does it last? A couple of weeks is usually the norm. It will get better, I can promise you that. I know...not much solace when you are in the middle of the pain...but you will come out of it soon.
Try to stay dark. That will keep you from getting quick fixes of your wife, and setting you back. In order to get thru this withdrawal quickly, you have to go cold-turkey.
Hang in there...stay with the plan. Your life is just beginning now. Just dont know where it is headed yet.
In His arms.
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tanelornpete,
I can really empathize with your situation. I also have been in a pretty darn good Plan B since 4/04. I sometimes can not believe that I have not returned to my home at all. Not for a visit, get clothes or see my beloved cats. I too am in a state of depression/melancholy/strength that cycles several times each day. I try to keep busy but as I have said before when the sun goes down the demons appear at the edge of your bed laughing, tempting you to make contact.
I have reached for the phone numerous times, but thankfully have not called or contacted. I remember that each one of my two minor breaks with Plan B and minimal contact seemed to re-energize my WW and the hope that I got from those conversations was dashed in the days afterward. I try to remember that EVERY TIME I CONTACT HER I AM PUSHING HER FARTHER AWAY.
I try to focus on the fact that I can not fix this situation( as a doc that is demoralizing). Even if I did make contact and progress was made towards a R, it would be a false progress. ANY AND ALL REAL PROGRESS CAN ONLY COME FROM MY WW.
My life sucks right now but if my WW were to magically reappear, the temporary "fix" I would feel would be miniscule to the pain that would come with her inevitable relapse.
I have offered my life up to the Lord to do as he wishes. If he wants her back with me, so it shall be. If his answer is no, I will accept it with the knowledge that I have done all that I can to keep my M alive.
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Oh my goodness Cy, that's a long Plan B.....it seems long, to me anyway.
I really honestly don't think I can take it for that long, not that I think I'd have to.
I'm glad you've at least made peace with it.
-Caren
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I am going to have to have a bit more help with this plan b - WW is trying to make a 'home away from home' for the kids while I work nights (I work the next 5 nights, 10 hr shifts) She can't have OM over there 'cause she's been warned that I will know and the kids will have a babysitter instead (if they need one - DS17 is extremely reliable).
But She drops them off, she picks them up, - what do I do - hide somewhere like a fool? Take a walk, I guess. Even the sight of her car hits like a 'fix'.
I'm going to have to figure out more boundaries.
Right now I'm in a bad mood - she wants me to dig up 'her' rose garden (that I designed for three damned years for her) so she can have them at her place. I think I'm gonna ROUNDUP them, and then salt the ground they grew in.
And these withdrawals suck. 3 nights so far - at least I talk to my IC on the phone before bed - helps me get some rest. But waking up still jurts a lot. Withdrawals. O Lord.
Well, I'm in His Hands
David
<small>[ February 23, 2005, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>
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Well get some ideas here on that.
Just wanted to say thank goodness you sound better.
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As for the roses, give her a shovel and let her dig them up herself. TT
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She can dig up their dead, rotted remains.
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