Caren

You are doing good by avoiding SF. If you fall in that department it will only make you feel worst. Remeber that time at his house how you felt after that and how you went back to plan B. HOld on to that feeling.

It does not feels good to be in plan B but it does feel better that letting my wh walk all over me.

I can not wait to have the baby back to avoid communication with him again for the rest of the week. I actually feel peace when I do not hear from him and his garbage with ow. Do not take me wrong, I do miss my H still but not the WH in him.

Hang in there! Go back to plan B ASAP and vent here. you can do it. Nobody said it will be easy.

Love

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm all for the BS who can get into Plan B, and stick to it. The more times Plan B is started, and broken, the least likely it has to be suc </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry, BETRAYED. I don't agree with this particular mindset.

KEEP TRYING!!!! NEVER GIVE UP!!!

David-

You're so funny, stop it with the advice, you're as bad at this as I am LMFAO!!!!!!! I luv ya anyway though, and I appreciate the sentiment.

Betrayed-

I know I have to do it right this time, I feel a lot stronger, which I think is due to finally getting on the right Anti-D. I throw all my insecurities up here, it helps me.

Last time, when everyone told me that I should have NO CONTACT, and I wasn't talking to him....but I did have the voice activated recorder on EVERYTIME he talked to DD10....BIG MISTAKE, and I was told it would be, but I couldn't stop myself. I wanted to gauge his reaction to my Plan B, I realize in retrospect that was wrong, and the tape recorder is BOXED UP this time. I don't want to know what he's saying to DD10.

So, if nothing else I understand a little better WHY I'm supposed to do each of the things I'm doing. I kept thinking, Oh...it'll be okay....blah blah, but ya know, I was wrong EVERYTIME. (hind site is 20/20).

Love-

I do remember how I felt that night, and I feel much better, in the light of day, about my decision. Last night sucked, but I'm glad I did it today, and that's what I had to keep telling myself last night--CAREN YOU WILL HATE YOURSELF IN THE MORNING IF YOU DO THIS....and I talked myself into it.

That was the HARDEST thing I've ever done. I was sort of testing myself......it was hard, but I did it.....which makes me feel even stronger today.

Spider-

THANK YOU for coming and checking on me, I appreciate your advice a lot. You give tqt such great advice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I KNOW this is what I have to do, it's just sooo very hard. I know that if my WH is ever going to come around this is what has to happen. I am prepared to hunker down and do this right.

I will make a sincere attempt to avoid all the stupid drama this time (Even though I love it).

I KNOW that I'm addicted, that is painfully clear to me....and if he's this addicted to OW then I feel sorry for him. I know he's addicted to me also. I feel much stronger this time around. I do so appreciate the cheerleading <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I HAVE to strike while the iron is hot. If I listen to my heart I will go on this way for a really long time.....and I don't want it to go on.....Damn my heart, it doesn't know what the hell it's talking about......it leads me around doing stupid crap.

So, strike I will, while HE is insecure about what I'm doing......You have to hit the enemy at their weakest point right? WH is the enemy of my marriage..........I want my H back.

-Caren

Caren - Everyone is giving you good advice - just remember that the longer you allow his cake eating to continue, the more his relationship is cemented with OW. That's what happened to me. I broke Plan B constantly. My WH is the type that needed both of us. After 2 years, he is still living with OW.

Mimi-

Sorry hon, didn't see you post. I will keep trying, this time I'm not going to try, I am going to succeed.

Believer-

Okay that scares the sh*t out of me! I don't want that for my marriage, I have to be proactive, I am just letting all this happen to me, I have to grow a spine and stand up and do what it takes to save this....I'm the only one who can right?

-Caren

BTW, you guys have to PROMISE to keep talking to me, even when my posts are so boring because I'm in Plan B and nothing is happening. I am going to need MAD support.

Thanks,

-Caren

Where is that "flying by the instruments" post?

Go Caren, GO!!

jls

Okay, here's my cover letter, I am going to put with my original plan B letter, lemme know what you think, as I'll be giving it to him this evening or tommorrow morning.

*******************************************
WH-

First of all, I want you to know that I love you very much and I hope one day we will be able to be together.

You have stated that you have some things you have to do. I understand that whatever you have to do, you must do it without me. I have discovered that there are some things that I also need to do, and they are things that I must do alone.

I find it impossible to do these things while still being in daily contact with you, it is simply too painful.

I have enclosed another copy of my original letter, everything in it still applies.

God Bless you WH, you will be in my prayers.

-Caren
***********************************************
What do you think? It makes me cry just typing that. *Sigh* if everything I should be doing is going to "feel wrong" then this must be the right thing to do, because I feel like sh*t.

God I love that man, more than I think that I even realized.

I have cried to him on several occasions, telling him that I just wanted this to all be over. I still want this to all be over, but I know now the only way it will ever be over is by my actions. If I don't do something to stop this hemmorage of love units, my R with my husband will be gone forever. That is something I can't live with.

This will be the hardest thing I will ever do. I am going to need you all.

-Caren

God please give me the strength to do this, I now know this is what you want from me. Give me the strength to be without him, give me the strength to love myself enough to make it through this pain.

-This I ask in your son Jesus Christs name Amen

Caren, I signed a "License to Operate" with myself 8 days after my FWH confessed the A to me, and moved out. I will copy it here, although formatting is lost. My Bible also "slept" in H's spot each night he was gone. I was NOT alone, and either are you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My license to Operate
Based on John 16:13

“… when He, the Spirit of truth is come, He will guide you into all the truth!”

Recognizing the Holy Spirit is the supreme source of guidance, and that He will not come into my life without my express permission and invitation, I formulate this legal document of covenant with Him.

I, [state your name], desiring to be guided into all truth about my nature and needs, about God’s love and will (especially regarding my marriage), and about God’s specific plans for my life and ministry, do HERBY give the Holy Spirit my personal invitation and total permission to shine HIS LIGHT OF TRUTH into my life – in every part – conscious, subconscious, unconscious – to GUIDE ME! Especially illuminate and remove, for the truth does “set me free...“ John 8:32, areas of spiritual and emotional blindness or fear, of laziness or sensuality, of greed or ambition, of confusion and procrastination, of self-pity or low self-esteem! Purify every dark motive!

“Chase the shades of night away, oh, turn my darkness into day!”

Take the strength and wisdom of my experience, the total commitment of my will, the deep desires of my heart – and change and channel me into BLESSED MINISTRY – for Your glory and for my good!

I will acknowledge the truth that you reveal to me about God, about myself, and about personalized guidance, and I will obey the specific concrete, guiding instructions you give me in the “TRUTH TRAIL!”


Signature

Date

Specific time of signing

P.S. I further acknowledge that this covenant is based upon God’s Word (John 16:13) and my word (signed and dated), that the Holy Spirit will guide me, and that I will “walk in the light!” (2 John 1:7)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmm, Flying by the Instrument panel post? I don't have that on my hard drive, darnet! I will test my searching skills here at MB and see if I can find it. Thanks for the reminder, believer!

Spidey

ps, I don't think Plan B letters need cover letters. Your WH already knows all he needs to know about you and your feelings.

Oh my gosh! I actually found it! Wow. I have never been successful at the search function here before. Usually, I either get NO results, or 1000!

Caren, this link is to a topic I started, just 4 days after becoming a member here at MB. My H was gone, I had no idea if he would come back. Basically, where you are now. And I knew what I had to do, just as you do, but it is a struggle.

Flying by your instrument panel post

Peace to you, girlie.

Spidey

Thank you Spidey. I will read that link just as soon as I'm done posting this.

So, no cover letter? So, what should I do? I mean I know I spelled it out in my Plan B letter, but then I broke it TWICE. Do I just hand him a copy of the Plan B again with no explanation? I dunno, I think I should at least explain myself, or I feel as if I should......there I go again, with my *feelings*. LOL

-Caren

Spidey-

Oh my gosh, that's a perfect analogy! I love it!

I also like the agreement you made with yourself and God (wish my printer worked so I could print it out for myself, and you telling me the Bible slept in the place you WH should be. (I can't do this particular thing because my DD10 is in the bed with me.)

That's what I have to do then, isn't it? Fly by the instruments, no matter how big of a fuss WH is making outside, I have to fly by the instruments.....it's the only way I'll land safely, with my pride in tact.

I know that my WH will come around, I can tell by his actions, it doesn't mean I still don't feel insecure....but that's the whole heart/mind conflict I've constantly got....hopefully that will improve too, hopefully my heart will get the gist of this in the near future.

-Caren

I found this new song by Papa Roach....thought I'd put it down here. For some reason music really gets to me.

This is called "Scars"

"Scars"

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

[Chorus]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

[Chorus x2]

-Caren

<small>[ March 06, 2005, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]</small>

Well since I'm supposed to be "doing all these things for myself", I colored my hair the other day, now today, I'm painting my nails--hooker red LOL!!! Did my toenails too.... Where does it all end? This is madness LOL

I guess I really had let things like this go by the wayside, I'm not sure why though, guess I just got wrapped up in other stuff....It wasn't right, but it happened. My WH always asked me...why don't you buy some new panties? Why don't you paint your nails? I'd like to see you wear make up once in a while.....I didn't do any of it, I don't have a good reason why, I never did any of these things for him, only when I was going somewhere, I guess I thought he should just take me how I am. Well in retrospect that was complete crap. Why should I expect that of him? I should always try to look my best (Unless I'm sick or something).

I was thinking, just 2 years ago, when my colposcopy (Sp?) results came back that I had pre-cancerous cells and I decided that I should go ahead and just have a hysterectomy (I had laser surgery 5 years before that for the same thing) my husband held onto me so tight and cried and said "Please, don't you leave me too". (His previous SO before we met died of cervical cancer). I have cards that he gave me only months before this all began professing his undying love for me......it just baffles me that someone can feel that way, and then POOF suddenly they don't anymore.

Of course this is all just me babbling, I have to get this mental clutter out of my head, or I dwell on it.

I am actually feeling pretty good, the sun is shining...well it appears to be, I haven't actually gone outside...still a bit chilly for my taste.

Thank Goodness for Wellbutrin, I seriously couldn't have taken feeling the way I felt for too much longer. I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday to see how I'm progressing...I think it's going good. I'm amazed at how fast this particular Anti-D kicks in.....I know paxil took about a month and zoloft never did kick in.

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!! My 10 year old just came in and told me that my nail polish is an old lady color!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh she's so funny!!!

-Caren

I just realized something, I realized why I felt like crap last night when I denied WH SF.....it was the fact that I was hurting him.....I told you his eyes sorta teared up and he was swallowing hard (Sorry being in therapy makes me zero in on body language), and I wanted to hold him and tell him it was okay....because he was hurt!

I'm insane!!!!!!! He has hurt me more than I could have ever imagined, and I still feel like taking every bit of his pain away, as if I could handle any more.

I am slow to realize this sort of stuff....I can't believe I still have that compassion for him....I didn't take any pleasure in hurting him, and I guess I thought I would.

Am I a complete crack pot?

-Caren

Caren - You are perfectly normal. After 2 years, I still don't want to hurt my WH, even though he is still living with OW. I think for most BS's, it takes a long time for the love to die.

I couldn't pin point it last night, just knew I felt bad about it, and when I feel bad, I start getting flipping out, I can't even think of the root of the problem, if I had realized last night that the reason I felt bad was because I had hurt WH's feelings I am sure that I would've been able to come out of it quicker.

Oh well, guess I'll know that about me from here on out, eh?

-Caren

Ugh it's so slow on the weekends it's almost painful.

-Caren

Caren - I used to feel EXACTLY like you. I hated weekends because it is so slow here. Also I felt like everyone else in the world had a life.

Try planning some projects. I detailed the car, painted furniture, made a garden, exercised, volunteered.

I also talked to myself a lot on this board. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />