RIF (and anyone who cares to chime in), my H and I are 3 months past my dday. Last night in MC he said that he is considering a D. I don't know that it will really happen we have been through so much and are still together. I wondered if you remember what it was like for you 3 months post dday after your W confessed the additional A's. My H's point is understandable, I took all the power of making a decision out of his control by not telling him about my A. I had all the power and now as our C said to him, he holds the power and he is not sure what he wants. Says he has seriously considered D'ing me. Not sure what he wants. I thought we were doing so well but maybe only I am doing well. For me the walls are coming down and we are truly talking for the first time in our 13+ years. I was wrong and I have owned the responsibility for it but he is very angry. I understand the anger but I can't change what I did. I am broken, RIF. Can't think, can't do much more than just breathe.

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 08:14 AM: Message edited by: faithful follower ]</small>

(((FAITH)))

Have you tried Plan A???? Do you know his top needs, and his love language???

I hope it gets better for you Faith, nothing much to say, just wanted you to know I was thinking about you, and give you a hug.

Jelly

Thanks, Jelly. He says I am doing a good job of meeting his needs, he is just so angry. He is going through even event in our lives post my A and rethinking what may have happened if he knew the truth. I took his ability to make the decisions.

FF,

I would take his answer seriously..but not definitively.

Does that make sense?

Just as a WW might say and MEAN that she does not love her H...another twist in the road, a brand new day, and all is changed. You know?

He is considering it..he has not decided..just considered.

Who among us..BS and WS alike has not? Glad that he is being open and honest..so that you have a clear view of where you are right now today..even though that is not necessarily indicative of where you will be next week while standing in the same spot.

It may not be you..but his own demons he struggles with now..but all the same I would go out of my way. Couldn't hurt.

Noodle

It may not be you..but his own demons he struggles with now..but all the same I would go out of my way. Couldn't hurt. Noodle, I am sure you are right. Just don't know what to do with myself right now, KWIM?

Ok, will check this a little later gotta get DD to school and my rear to work.

Faith: I don't know if what I have for you will help or not. At least know that I care and wish the best for you and will keep you in my prayers. {{{{{Faithful}}}}}

I agree with noodle in that I think it's good he is telling you this (his considering the D). I think it means he still cares for you because he wants to be truthful and honest and doesn't want to blindside you if he does D you.

That said, I'm not sure what you're next step is and hence your dilemma. I guess, continue to engage him in trying to meet his needs. The fact you are communicating better than you have for 13 years tells me volumes about the two you and that you can work through this. Maybe try writing down your goals for your life (including your kids). Write them down for short term (3-6 months), mid term (next year or two) and long term (where you see yourself 5 years from now) and then try sharing them with him and see what he says. I've read that if you don't write your goals down, it's much harder to achieve them and I've found that to be so true.

{{{{{faith and H}}}}}

Be busy. That's what you do with yourself. Be patient. Be kind.

His anger is new. It will evolve to another stage of greiving. Let it. Refer to the above paragraph when in doubt.

I love you hon. Your dh has a lot of demons to expel - some of is own making. Let him.

- Kimmy

{{{{{FAITHFUL}}}}}

I think when someone mentions divorce it is out of fear. Fear that no matter what you do, it won't work out. Fear that this "thing" will always be hovering over your head, always having power over you. Fear that you won't be able to change enough to satisfy your partner. A LOT of fear.
Anger is a secondary emotion. Fear is usually the source. Keep that in mind....

Praying for you!

NOW

I guess, continue to engage him in trying to meet his needs. The fact you are communicating better than you have for 13 years tells me volumes about the two you and that you can work through this. RH, that is why I was so shocked to hear him mention D. We are engaging and communicating and being loving more so than ever in our life together. Even our arguments are more productive. We have been in MC for nearly a year now and it has been a year of immense growth for us both. However, in that year he had an affair and my years long deception was revealed so it has been an intensly painful year as well.

Ok, goals. Something concrete to do. Thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by faithful follower:
<strong> I guess, continue to engage him in trying to meet his needs. The fact you are communicating better than you have for 13 years tells me volumes about the two you and that you can work through this. RH, that is why I was so shocked to hear him mention D. We are engaging and communicating and being loving more so than ever in our life together. Even our arguments are more productive. We have been in MC for nearly a year now and it has been a year of immense growth for us both. However, in that year he had an affair and my years long deception was revealed so it has been an intensly painful year as well.

Ok, goals. Something concrete to do. Thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Isn't that sort of the usual way of things though...the immediate crisis has passed..and now he can break down a little? Indulge those selfish and expensive thoughts that were verboten when in danger of losing all against his wishes?

Noodle

Hey FF,

I threw out the divorce card a couple of times... I would use the divorce card when we reached a roadblock that we didn't know how to get around.

Once we started MC we both started learning new ways to communicate with each other and the divorce card was very rarely used.

We'd been in MC for about 3-4 months when my anger really started surfacing... Up until that point, I'd been trying to be a "good" forgiving husband... but deep down, I was just getting madder and madder. I got to a point where I really started thinking about divorce again... the pain for me was so terrible that I just wanted it to go away.

At this point, our MC started working with us separately for one session, then together for the next session. He taught me safe ways to get rid of my anger and I suspect that he coached my W on how to respond to my anger and 'threats'... because the next time that I threw out the divorce card, my W told me that if I wanted to divorce her that she would understand and that she wouldn't hold me to our vows since she broke them...

For me, this was a turning point in our rebuilding process... Her answer, which I'm sure was VERY frightening for her, quickly diffused my anger... and we were able to work through our issues.

When I told her that I wanted a divorce, I didn't want a divorce... I wanted her to hurt just as much as I was hurting... Her answer totally blew me away.

Hope this helps... Semper Fi,
RIF

Your dh has a lot of demons to expel - some of is own making. Let him. You are right, Kimmy. Time is my friend, right?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Fear that this "thing" will always be hovering over your head, always having power over you. Fear that you won't be able to change enough to satisfy your partner. A LOT of fear.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very profound, NOW*. I never really thought of it that way. Hmmm, lots of thinking to do. Thanks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When I told her that I wanted a divorce, I didn't want a divorce... I wanted her to hurt just as much as I was hurting... Her answer totally blew me away.

Hope this helps... Semper Fi,
RIF

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, that makes sense. He is hurting, he is horribly angry but the more we talk the more he understands me too. See, last year during his 2nd A I told him to leave. Not angrily but because he chose to continue the relationship I could not allow him to live with me and be with her. We spoke and saw each other every day and I was always nice as I could muster and really worked on me. Sort of a plan A since I didn't have MB then. But he is angry because I punished him for behavior that I myself had done. I said yes that is true but you told me you wanted to be with her and I thought our M was over. I told him I had accepted that he was going to D me and M her so I did not see how we could live under the same roof. KWIM? I told him I would have handled the D and property disolution fairly. That seemed to calm him down some and he is beginning to understand that even though I had an A before, his A's hurt me deeply.

I think I am rambling. Thank you, your POV is so helpful to me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Indulge those selfish and expensive thoughts that were verboten when in danger of losing all against his wishes?

Noodle
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, Noodle you really write expressively. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Yes, maybe I have provide a safe enough environment for him to really express himself. I will continue to meet his needs as much as he will allow. I will continue to make it safe for him to express himself.

Not much sleep last night. We talked way into the night after we went to bed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> RH, that is why I was so shocked to hear him mention D. We are engaging and communicating and being loving more so than ever in our life together. Even our arguments are more productive. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His security is low. He may be having doubts. This may be partially why he has said what he said. To see how you react. Be strong, as RIF often says, you'll get through this. Gotta head to a meeting now. L8r.

Hey FF - I agree with RH in that he may just be testing you to see how you'll react... It's getting really late over here so I'm going to sign off... I'll check bck in the morning.

Hang in there and keep loving your H... You guys will make it through all of this.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

'night, RIF and thanks.

Hi FF,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> For me the walls are coming down and we are truly talking for the first time in our 13+ years. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Could you see this is a part of your truly being more open in your communication, since he is being honest with you about his feelings and thoughts, even the difficult ones?

Maybe he is coming to see that it might be possible for him to survive alone, without a W. This could also be a good thing, because if he sees this, works through it and then eventually decides to stay with you, then it will be a true choice for him. He might see this as a contrast to your past together, when he felt he wasn't free in his choices because he didn't have all the information.

Hope you can work through this together, and keep on being patient with him. (((FF)))

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Maybe he is coming to see that it might be possible for him to survive alone, without a W. This could also be a good thing, because if he sees this, works through it and then eventually decides to stay with you, then it will be a true choice for him. He might see this as a contrast to your past together, when he felt he wasn't free in his choices because he didn't have all the information.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, I love all you! Smur that makes perfect sense. Yes, I would rather be his choice rather than his prison sentence. Ok, I am slow on the uptake but I am getting it. Thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your H's grieving time w/b longer than your A. How much longer is varies but it w/b longer.

Does your H know the grieving stages he may experience as a BS? This c/b helpful to him to know his feelings are not weird but part of the healing process.

There are still days where I just want to boink H on the head. Good thing he is over an ocean away. LOL!!! Nah.... but note the days still happen. Triggers exist. They are getting less with time but they may never go away.

Knowing that is helpful in that I know they exist and won't try to hide them.

Did your H ever read the 5 stages of grieiving thread in my sig link?

L.