Lunamare

People who post here do it voluntarily. People do not have guns held to their head to force them, nor are there any kind of committments or quotas. People post here because they WANT to.

People post here to assist others who find themselves where we were, in one way or another, in the not to distant past. We KNOW your anguish, the shock, the dispair, the pain. We have first hand knowledge of what you are going through. From one instance of betrayal to another, there are differences, yes, but the general theme, is Affairs are as common as it gets. Every single one of the posts you have received are intended to assist you through this very difficult time.

Nearly everyone here is a better person than they were before they found MB. This program is not in place JUST to help you save your marriage, more accurately, it is here to save yourself. This program allows you to be a better partner, should your marriage survive. Perhaps even more importantly, it helps you be a better, stronger, wiser person if your marriage does NOT survive.

Posting here is our way of "giving back". Trying to save the next victim of infidelity from taking the "long and uneducated" road some of us took till we found MB. We care about the well being of those of you who have joined in search of answers to your current situation.

Lunamare, the bottom line is this. At some point in time YOU have to OWN the situation you are in, face it with dignity and reality, and CHOOSE what path you will follow. Your actions right now will determine WHO you are, perhaps for many years.

As WAT stated in an earlier post, you can choose to be a spineless victim who never stood up for herself, or a "blind eye" person, just waiting around to see what happens next, or take the path all your friends and people close to you will suggest.... bail out, get the divorce, and be "over it".

The 4th choice is to make up your mind to follow this MB program, and be active in what your future will bring, and empowered to make a difference in your own life's outcome. We have taken this 4th option, and it has made a huge, positive difference in our lives. It will for you, too.

Your posts suggest you are a conflict avoider, and have very little self confidence. You have become paralized by this fear the A has brought into your life. Please get with an IC and start working on Lunamare, and make her strong enough to have some say in her future. Each day that you choose NOT to take any action is a day lost to you forever. Otherwise, you will still face the same issues you are facing now, with your lack of confidence, and perhaps self-esteem, for the rest of your life, regardless of your marital status. Please think about taking steps that will make a positive difference in the rest of your life.

Best wishes,
SD

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 06:01 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Luna -

I think one mistake that many woman...and men...make in a situation like this is they become accustomed to being a Martyr. I'm not saying that you are being a martyr but some folks do elect to take that path. They become comfortable being uncomfortable....I know that probably doesn't make much sense to you right now but I hope it strikes a cord with you.

You have to decide that you will not be a martyr. The key word in that sentance is...YOU. No one else can make that decision for you. It's up to you in the end.

One thing that I learned from the torture of my experience was that I could sit back, do nothing and continue down my path of self destruction....it was my path after all...or I could take responsiblity for my part in what went wrong in my marriage and I could make a change within myself. You have to start with you...if you want to save your marriage and I think that's what you want.

You start that change by exposing....this will stop the cycle of pain you are in. You feel helpless right now and that's understandable. But how long do you want that helplessness to last? A year? 3 years?

I'm not trying to trivialize your situation. Many folks on this board have suffered and are suffering as you are now. We know far too well what it's like to not want to get up and face the chaos that has become your life. It's terrible.

I'm telling you that you can and you WILL get through this. Not only will you get through this but you'll be a better person for having suffered this way. You will be a testament to your children and all the people around you. You can show them that this doesn't have to end your marriage or your life.

Start today. Make today be the day you decide to take charge and hand over the title of martyr. Expose this A and then put as much focus on you as you possible can. Go see an IC if your H won't consider going as a couple...you go alone. Don't let him continue to juggle your emotions. You are responsible for your reaction to his actions...it won't be easy but it's possible.

I've rambled on enough. I hope you are well.

I'll say a prayer for you and your family.

I am considering sending an "unsigned" letter from a concerned parent to the school.

I know. I am a real chicken. I know. It might not be taken seriously.

Go ahead with the 2x4s.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lunamare:
<strong> I am considering sending an "unsigned" letter from a concerned parent to the school.

I know. I am a real chicken. I know. It might not be taken seriously.

Go ahead with the 2x4s. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It will NOT be taken seriously. It will be dismissed as rumor.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lunamare:
<strong> I am considering sending an "unsigned" letter from a concerned parent to the school.

I know. I am a real chicken. I know. It might not be taken seriously.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">file 13.........

How about we discard the "old" lunamare, and replace her with a brand new "butterfly" who is bright, beautiful, and brilliantly colored with a new inner strength, who has the resolve to live life without fear?

SD

To MelodyLane:

What's: file 13.........?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lunamare:
<strong> To MelodyLane:

What's: file 13.........? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">the trash can. That is where it will go.

LM

I know from my work and from life that every system is perfectly aligned to achive the results it gets.

Your life, right now, is perfectly in place to enable youe Hs affair while you get trampled.

How is that result going to change unless the system changes?

Your WH doesn;t want to change it. Maybe CAN'T change it ( affairs are like addictions, so I am told). OW certainly doesn't want to.

Are you scared your WH might disrespect you if you do such a thing as expose ? Like f'king anothe rwoman in your plain sight while you hold their metaphorical clothes isn't the worst thing on EARTH he could ever do to you ?

Get a grip. FORCE them to respect you. If he leaves you after exposure it is because he is having an AFFAIR NOT because you exposed.
Trawl this site, find me how many examples there are where exposure has caused worse problems. very very few compared to the ones where it has helped significantly.

It will be the hardest thing you have ever done possibly ( it was me) but HOW ELSE can you change the system to produce a different result than a live affair ?

DEAR Lunamare I wish I could do it for you but i cannot.... it doesn;t work that way. And anyway, your doing this: your seizing the whip hand in his mess - will make you proud - joan of arc rather than a victim.

All blessings. Whatever you choose to do, make sure you can see self worth in your reflection afterwards.

Luna,

What is YOUR goal in exposing?

Please think about this and get back to us.

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: Freefromlies ]</small>

To Freefromlies,

Quote:
----------------------------------------------
What is YOUR goal in exposing?
----------------------------------------------

Hopefully burst their bubble a bit more, or not.

Are you afraid that your husband will get mad at you for embarassing him and leave?

Are you embarassed that he cheated on you and that you are having marital troubles?

Hello, Lunamare.

I have read your situation with great compassion.

I was *chicken* to expose my WxW at her and OM's work.

I didn't want to upset her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I never did expose.

I am divorced, and she still sees the OM.
(Coming up on 3 years from D-Day, and *now* she is telling me 'you were right, he is a jerk.' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> *But she still sees him!!*

Seeing you now where I was then causes my heart to go out to you. If I could have been a little less worried about what WxW thought, and more worried about what was right, things could be different.

I can fully appreciate your reluctance to expose at work. I didn't want to make the problem any worse than it already was. I didn't want to make her any more mad at me.

Exposure causes the A parties to look at themselves in a different light. And that light is not flattering. Exposure removes the excitement of sneaking around. I would also bet a paycheck that OW's H has no clue.

Someone described exposure like an onion. You start exposing to OW's H, then parents, then siblings, then church, then work. Take the layers one by one, as necessary, and *DON'T* tell him what you are about to do. Take control!!!

Looking back, I had a weak, wimpy attitude. In this (very serious, but for lack of a better word,) game, attitude is everything. If you need a primer about attitude, check out CarenMC's threads <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Best of luck to you, and may you find your own inner strength to fight for your kids and your marriage! It's there right now, you just have to look for it!

Sincerely,

WST

P.S. (Oh, and if you aren't already, get on anti-depressants. They help you be alot more rational and objective about this stuff.)

<small>[ March 02, 2005, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: Was Sad Tiger ]</small>

To top.

luna

You have been blessed with some of the most respected and committed people in these forums responding to your threads. WAT (worthatry), Melody Lane, Pepperband, B0b Pure, mulan, Heroswife. All have "been there, done that". Others are posting to you from first hand experience of the downside from not having exposed.

Look in the mirror and "see" the person that we know exists in your body. The feeling of empowerment you will get in taking steps to paly a part in your future will bring you added strength.

Have you finished reading SAA yet?

SD

I have read SAA up to 'recovery' (because I don't know if I'll ever get there!). Got very depressed after reading the examples given.

Right now I feel like I don't have a chance in hell, because NC will not be possible - they work together!?! H is in fog and will continue to remain in the fog, therefore would never consider leaving job - why would he? He "loves" the OW, and plans to leave me - when? Not sure - when he feels the least guilty - meaning me accepting his decision - which I have decided NOT TO DO. He will have to leave without my blessing, unfortunately, if (HA HA) and when the discussion comes up again.

Am I getting mad at H? Am I losing respect for my H? Maybe.

But, I just decided to start getting back doing my YOGA, until reality hits me again, and then I'll deal with it. Your are probably all right when you say I may be an 'avoider'. But, at this point, I am taking a break from it all. Day by day. It's the best I can do. Sorry.

But, I don't seem to have an 'unsteady' stomach like I have had for a while. Am I getting used to, accustomed to the situation? I sure feel weird.

I may be in some type of fog myself!

P.S. I guess I don't get it. I am trying to avoid LB, but at the same time, this may be seen as 'avoiding'. I thought PLAN A involved some "doormatting" and I just needed to put enough distance not to be too hurt by it, like work on myself, and not take seriously what H says. Since I don't talk anymore about the OW, or our R, I really don't know what's up. I figured, H will either leave me, or I will get fed up - or not.

Right now, the situation is livable. But I am basically still somewhat in shock I think. Sorry people. That's the honest truth.

P.S. I guess I don't get it. I am trying to avoid LB, but at the same time, this may be seen as 'avoiding'. I thought PLAN A involved some "doormatting" and I just needed to put enough distance not to be too hurt by it, like work on myself, and not take seriously what H says. Since I don't talk anymore about the OW, or our R, I really don't know what's up. I figured, H will either leave me, or I will get fed up - or not.

Right now, the situation is livable. But I am basically still somewhat in shock I think. Sorry people. That's the honest truth.

Luna,
my situation is the same as yours. OW is WH's personal secretary, has been for about 6 years. He refused to talk about the A and would only say it started in august although EA was probably going on for a long time. I'm not even sure I believe that. dday was late october. I plan A ed for 2 months and exposed to family and friends and co workers. On Dec 26th I asked him to leave.
I don't think he would ever RESPECT ME if I hadn't. Unfortunately I am still in plan B so I don't have a happy ending for you, but I'm sure I feel better now than when he was at home and I knew he was continuing the A with OW.

The condition for us to get back is that OW disappears from our lives, not easy to achieve but otherwise I know I would always have to share him and that is not a MARRIAGE, at least for me. So there are no other options.

I believe I am doing what is best to fight for my marriage. It is hard, there is a lot of despair, anguish hopelessness, etc but at least I know I am respecting myself, and keeping my dignity.
It can be done.
Be brave.

In some cases I have read here exposure is all it takes to end the affair. My WH is so fogged up he didn't even get angry when I exposed. I think he got angry afterwards when I asked him to leave and he then realized he was completely exposed.

You have experts giving you advice. Please listen to them.

Since H has told me he misses OW, I gather they may have made a 'pact' that they would next be together after each of them 'settle it' with their partner. So, I gather, because they work together, EA is on, PA may not be - until lovers meet again with 'no strings' attached, and the reunion is expected to be that much sweeter.

This is where H is putting some pressure to 'separate' amicably - in order to be free to see the OW guilt-free, but he may just 'go off the wagon' before this happens, because I don't intend to do anything - but, on the other hand, he knows he needs to 'tend' the other garden, or else... Poor him! I noticed H refers to OW, work-related of course, more often. Is he trying to get me used to her being part of his life? Is he testing my reaction? Am I being paranoid? Does he figure that with time I will warm up to the idea? I try to treat it as if he is talking about any other co-worker, and I actually ask for updates on progress of project.

I expect H to be mad at me or blame me for dragging it out purposely - I need to get ready for him to be real mean to me. H may just succeed in making me ask him to leave - I know it's what he wants, but it's not what I want.

It's going to be tough.