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To Ahuman:

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How long has the A been going on?
How long have you been married?
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The PA has been going on since Sept. 04. I believe the EA is well beyond a year.


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Also, you mentioned the H of the OW is devastated. Have you told him about this site and the books? Does he know that your husband is going to be gone for two weeks?---a good time for OW H to try and spend time with OW. (Working all of your angles).
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When I spoke to him, he found it too painful to be with his W, so they have physically separated (they have a place in the country and an appt. in town - grown children - easier to do) He was seeing an IC to help him get through the ordeal. He didn't seem interested in working M at this point. Either way he was seeing a difficult road ahead. He seemed to prefer a healing process to get past it and move on, and letting OW live her life without interference.

Had other circumstances been in place to our advantage, our M may have had a chance (ex. OW did not want to leave H, two didn't work together, if OW had small children, or couldn't so easily separate, etc. etc.)

This is how I feel today. From all the readings I have done, it seems to me this is the worst case scenario of an A. It started as an EA, went on to a PA. OW always knew H was married man. OW is serious enough to let go of her 27 year M. OW has told her H and family about A and they are now separated. H is prepared to let go of our 20 year M. They work together. H is on his way out.

What's holding him back? The two of us getting together to figure out how we will handle property, finances, the kids. If our R is no go, he definitely cares about the kids and wants to work with me on how to best provide for them.

I am slowly but surely getting tired of the lies/omissions and rejection, which are getting to my self-respect and self-worth. It has now been three months, at Xmas time, since I know about the A (when I accidently found a "love" note from OW to my H). Since then, H making it clear that he is in love with OW, and will not give her up.

I don't want to necessarily make things easier for him to leave, but I do need to sit down and work out details re finances and kids. Right now though, after that, because we will need to speak to each other re decisions about kids, and finances, etc. I can't see being able to go totally DARK, which is recommended for PLAN B. I do care about him very much, I will avoid LBs, etc. (because this is good in any R), I am prepared to tell H that I may be open in the future if things don't work out with OW to reconsider our M, depending on where I am at the time, and because I do not want our R, although limited to parents, to deteriorate any further. I want as good a R with him as possible and work with him on how to best raise our kids.

More importantly, the other problem I have with PLAN B is that unconsciously I would be hoping for positive results re M, and I find that somehow this will not help me heal. I feel I would be left in a temporary LIMBO. My body is now starting to give me signals that somehow I need to move on and heal (and not hold on). From what I know of physical symptoms, if ignored, body will continue to aggravate the signals until heard. Somewhere deep down in me I sense two things: first, this A is going for the long haul, all evidence points to that (even my H tells me if this was a simple PA, he would have ended it); second, the survival instinct in my body is giving me non-stop signals to take care of things or else...

I am now asking myself: Is it time for me to be honest? I certainly would like to work on my M, and would be willing to work at recovery of M. But there is a deal breaker: my H does not want to.

I don't think I will be chummy chummy with him, but at a certain level, we can work well together and be there for our kids. I may have to settle for that, and move on.

I may have to move on to grieving my R and to heal. Today, that's where I feel I am headed.

I am very very sad about it. I find the pain intoxicating and need to seriously consider moving on before very serious damage occurs.

It may be premature to feel this way, but today, it definitely feels that it is where things are headed.

It seems to me that this is a major shift in my position since I have started coming here. I don't know what the future holds, but I sense I am being more realistic when taking everything into account.

I hate the way H went about it, because I feel I am mostly paying the price/damage of having my trust/confidence betrayed, and will probably for a long time.

You never know what life holds for you. This is definitely a dark period for me. I am slowly seeking/wanting the sunlight, and pray that I will have the courage to move on, if that's what I need to do.

I will wait to see how I feel tomorrow. I will wait to see how this position sits with me and my body, because I know somehow it will give me signals of either peace or chaos. I need to be working on myself.

How to learn to let go? Will we know when to let go? The answers are not easy.

***I certainly would like to work on my M, and would be willing to work at recovery of M. But there is a deal breaker: my H does not want to.***

Luna -- you do not yet realize that doing something like Plan B *IS* working on your marriage. And it does not matter one tiny bit whether your WH "wants to" or not. It is something you can do all by yourself to help your marriage, save your sanity, and ease the physical stress on yourself all at once.

What's not to love about that?

Mulan

Luna

Both Plans, A and B, include working on yourself. Making you a stronger person to deal with whatever live deals you.

You said "your WH's affair was the worst kind". Not true. It's just another very ordinary affair, where people who worked together became too chummy, and crossed boundaries that should have not been crossed.

The biggest mistake you are making right now is putting any "stock" into your WH's words. You are listening to his words, taking them to heart, and making your decisions on his words. In other words... you are REACTING.

Your WH is living in the FOG. He will say anything to get what he wants. He "wants" two women wanting him. Replace the word HUSBAND with LIAR. Think of him in that way. He's a common, ordinary, affair driven LIAR. That's all.

The longer you REACT to his words, his LIES, the longer you are buffaloed into thinking you are powerless in this situation.

The sooner you QUIT listening to his lies, and evaluate the situation as a "disinterested" third-party would, you will begin taking the ACTIONS that have been recommended to you since you began posting.

Are you willing to continue this role as the victim, powerless to do anything until your WH "tells" you what to do? Or are you ready to believe in lunamare, and begin to mold her into a person who is strong and independent enough to take the steps to forge her own future?

Best wishes,
SD

<small>[ March 15, 2005, 11:30 AM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Mulan,

The problem I have with PLAN B is that it requires going DARK to be effective, and right now I can't see this being totally possible. With kids and financial decisions involved on an on-going basis, at this point I can only see keeping contact to a "minimum" as possible. We are co-owners of property (have tenants), decisions will need to be made, it may be to our best interest not to sell and therefore would need to communicate, each continue doing their job (ex. H does repairs, I administer). Were we to sell, we would all be penalized. It may not be the only source of income we have but selling the property would add financial strain to both of us. I don't need financial problems on top of it all, because with our separation, it will create already a financial strain.

Is PLAN B of any use if total N/C is not possible?

Have any of you heard of a modified PLAN B to have ever worked? i.e. Recognize that have contributed and need to improve/work on answering HNHN, but that at this point need to separate is necessary so as to not further diminish love I have for him, and therefore minimum contact would be taking place (business or kids). Should H ever want to reconsider our M and work on recovery of M, his R with OW would need to end. All in the name of the future, and not knowing always what it may hold for us (as has happened!).

Would appreciate comments.

Luna,
I know that I'm likely to offend you here, but sheesh girl, you really need a wake up call.

I've read through your posts, and all of the advice you've been given. I want you to stop and look at all that's happened since you found out about your H's A. What have you DONE since then to save your marriage???? What results have you had from your actions???

Look, your husband is sitting right where he wants to be, and you have done not one thing to make a change in your life or his. You've let him continue this farce on for weeks, and he's suffered NO consequences for his actions.

My wife was involved in an online emotional affair about a year ago. When d-day hit, we had the biggest explosion you can imagine. I won't go into details, but the bottom line is that I heard much of the same "fog talk" you did. She was convinced that we'd all three be friends...that the kids would love him too, etc, etc, ad nauseum.

I never heard of MB before, knew nothing of Plan A or B. But I DID know that I wasn't going to sit quietly and let it go on. I exposed it to our whole family (hers and mine). I refused to let her just go and "see if what they had was real"...she wanted to go there, see if it would work, and quietly come back to me if it didn't!

The bottom line is this. You have consistently avoided every opportunity you've had to put an end to this. You KNOW that there is no way your marriage will survive in its current state, but you still hem and haw and find excuses to do nothing.

You want an option for plan B? Tell him that if he can't make the choice to come home to YOU, then don't come back after his trip. Tell him you're tired of his garbage...and that you will not tolerate him living in your house with your kids while he's seeing someone else.

Right now, he's not being forced to do anything, and is taking advantage of that! Quit finding reasons not to do anything. Start taking a stand for yourself, and for you kids!!!

If you continue to do nothing, I can pretty much assure you that you're going to lose your marriage. Doing something now will give you a CHANCE at keeping it...which you don't face at all on your current course of inaction.

Sorry if I come across strongly friend...but like I started this post with...you really need a wake up. Inaction is a choice too...and its the ONE choice you can make to ensure that your relationship with your husband is OVER. Your call.

PS. Its been 10 months since my D-Day...and my wife is still with me, and we're happier now than we'd been in years. Once the fog breaks, it's amazing how things can change. But if you do nothing to break the fog, there will be no change.

lunamare

Please read this thread started by "confused42"

This is what we are trying to get you to understand. How MB works!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=037626

Best wishes,
SD

Hello everyone,

Just to let you know. I am 'hanging in there'.

H left country for 2 1/2 wks. I can use the break.

I am tired.

Compared to what some of you are able to be doing in your lives, at this point, I am totally out of the game.

Sorry but that's how it is. Wish it was otherwise.

Luna,

Okay, I have a clearer picture of your situation. I didn't realize you happened upon a note, I thought he came to you with the news.

I am so saddened that this situation has crippled you the way it has...I wish I could say something that would shake you out of this and get you to stick up for yourself.

The way you write sounds like you just want to let him come and go and keep whatever ties (finances and kids) that you have with him and that will just be the extent of your relationship. And my guess is that you will have this because that would suit your husband well.

He can have woman #1 take care of the boys and leave them the house (so they are not visibly disturbed by Dad's selfishness--and most importantly Dad won't feel so guilty about leaving them) and woman #1 will be there to handle the finances and other long term investments you have made. (Of course the marriage itself doesn't fit into the long term investments).

Then woman #2 can tell him how smart and interesting he is and talk to him about his work and fulfill the physical needs he has.

Voila! Your WH is all taken care of and so the OW!

I just get so mad at how unfair that is...aarrhhh!!! The liars and the cheats get what they want. Luna stands at the side line and hands them the key.

And the worst part is--the boys are the one's that pay in the end!!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Update,

This morning I feel better, or at least I seem to be functioning better. H is out of the picture for a couple of weeks. I am trying to consider different scenarios and see if I can see myself in them.

Ahuman is right in the way he has described it. H setting up his life to so that certain needs are served by me and certain others by the OW. That's OK with him, and maybe the OW has to settle with sharing him given the circumstances, but my whole body is set against this direction. In his fantasyland we will all be one day a lovey lovey trio.

But for me, it's like being in love, than being told I am not 'in love' but I do love you can we be friends. No thank you! All or nothing at this level, which I intend to make clear to him, and for the moment, will want to leave the door open to him (until when? I don't know) but at the same time will want to have as little direct contact with him as possible.

What I like the most about PLAN B is the going DARK part. I don't want to see him if all he can offer is "can we be friends". I am either in a R with him or not.

Now, how to deal with the part about having children in common and business affairs and knowing that for now we don't have the means to finance two places? I need to be creative, at least temporarily. If there are money problems, it will not be just for H, it will affect me and the kids.

At this moment (as my positions at times seem to change day by day) what I would like to be doing is on the evening he comes back, ask him what his decision is (as he is supposed to think about his options ie. continue R with OW, or not (unfortunately, they work together and cannot ask N/C at this point), or has he decided to end A and work on our M. I expect his reply to be that if he has to choose, he chooses the new R with OW. What I then need to do is be ready to let him know, in writing, that if that's the case, this is how I see the two of us work it out (having as little direct contact as possible). I would like to prepare the boys for this scenario and reassure them that whatever happens between us, they will be a top priority for both of us. That given the circumstances and dad's choice, I personally could not stay in the same house as their dad (or at least for now at the same time).

For the first couple of weeks, to try to create the least chaotic environment for the boys, I would prefer they don't leave the house, but at the same time, not stop them from seeing their dad.

My plan is to suggest to H that for at least a couple of weeks, he spend the evenings with the boys but leave by 10ish (I would not be there and would go out and enjoy myself by seeing my friends, going out, etc.) He will have to make arrangements about where he will be spending the nights (rather than me), we can all guess what his first choice will be, don't we? I expect he will agree because he will have missed the boys and will want to spend time with them. He would have access to the house for work reasons during the day while I am at work. Over the years routines have been established on how to run the house, and so that should not be a major problem to continue to do so for a couple of weeks. For any other communication, I will suggest a notebook where we exchange "factual" info. that must be dealt with.

In the meantime, we will both need to think about some "financial" arrangements so that we are all the least penalized. Remember, he is the father of my boys. I would want him to be able to do his part as well as possible.

I know more drastic measures would me more effective rigth off the bat. I know, what I am basically doing is only taking myself out of the picture (he would still be accessing the home). But for now, it's the best I can think of. I know he would prefer direct contact and consult me for this and that. But he will have to do without it. And although this will be hard for me, too, it would be harder for me still to be in direct contact with him given the decision I expect he will make.

I know it's not a true PLAN B, and so it may actually be enabling the A even more. I don't know. All I know is that it's getting harder for me to be in his presence while he is seeing someone else. I am trying desperately not to lose all my love for him so that I can keep an open door, and at the same time start healing somewhat because of what happened, how it happened, and where this is headed.

I have thought about exposure at their work, but have decided that since they are being very discret and are liked, they will most likely both get sympathy for their predicament, so I don't think I will. (To be honest, I don't really know how I would do it - tell the Principal? What would he do about it if they are keeping it private? I got info. from the board re any disciplinary measures under these circumstances? His question was: is it affecting any of the students in the classroom? Are they displaying improper behaviour? Of course not, it's a "secret". I don't know anyone really well at the school. It's definitely his turf.

I do intend to inform as many close friends as possible because I will need their help and they need to know.

I am starting to gather legal information on steps involved in case of separation.

I know I fought hard not to go that "step" because one of my fears is that by taking this step, once I/we start taking this direction, separation will then become inevitable, and more importantly, I may be the one to not want to keep the door open for very long, and then the daily routine of living separate lives will take over and it will be the end of M.

So, one of my biggest fears is that if I let "go" and move forward, and let H live out his "fantasy" which we all know will at some point have a reality check, it will have been too long, with no returning back!

But, I have to let "go", really let go, or get sick, and so the choice is made for me, and M may not survive.

I will see how all this sits with me until tomorrow. For now, at least, I am not all in knots.

Take care all of you. We all seem to have our cross to bear. I appreciate your being there.

PS. The reason I feel the A (new R) will last is because H does not intend to live with OW necessarily, and when he is not looking after the boys, he intends to devote all his time to new R and avoid the pitfalls of our R (not devoting sufficient time to us!). THis may actually work to keep the fantasyland going for a long time I am afraid. He would actually be doing what would needed to have been done in ours. Argh!

PSS - I think that whatever I do will be somehow answer some of his needs. If I do seem to take "charge" and "move on", it will help him in the feeling less "guilty" department. Right now he is convincng himself that, even though it's hard right now, in the longrun it will all be for the best for all of us, and that in a few years, I will also find someone else, and we will have gone through this in order for all of us to have a better life, better partners. He's projecting far far into the future, and you can bet he will do everything not to be wrong.

***I have thought about exposure at their work, but have decided that since they are being very discret and are liked, they will most likely both get sympathy for their predicament, so I don't think I will. (To be honest, I don't really know how I would do it - tell the Principal? What would he do about it if they are keeping it private? I got info. from the board re any disciplinary measures under these circumstances? His question was: is it affecting any of the students in the classroom? Are they displaying improper behaviour? Of course not, it's a "secret". I don't know anyone really well at the school. It's definitely his turf.***

Luna -- what parent would want their child spending all day in a school where the married staff is cheating with each other? I sure wouldn't!

As long as you say nothing to the school about this, your WH and his girlfriend are free to float about the idea that you are crazy, cruel, cold, controlling, etc etc etc and that your poor WH is JUSTIFIED in cheating on you.

Think about it.
Mulan

Luna said: **So, one of my biggest fears is that if I let "go" and move forward, and let H live out his "fantasy" which we all know will at some point have a reality check, it will have been too long, with no returning back!**

Okay, so consider the alternative? You don't let go, you don't move forward...your husband will STILL be living out his fantasy and you are probably delaying any sort of reality check. Plus, your tolerance threshold will be even shorter.

**But, I have to let "go", really let go, or get sick, and so the choice is made for me, and M may not survive.**

All you are letting go of at this point is a threesome. You M already did NOT survive.

All you can hope to rebuild at this point is a healthier Luna. And a healthier H may some day recognize what was good about your 20 years together--the daily habit comfort, the holiday traditions, the friends in common, the family trips taken, etc. Wanting to spend the future with common grandchildren, more common holidays, weddings etc.

As to the Plan B stuff. I think you are very wise to move to Plan B if H chooses OW.

It seems to me that what is CRUCIAL about Plan B is that the WS must REALIZE that he DOES have some EN that ARE being met by you--which were invisible to him during the A (since during an A the WS is focused on what they DONT get from M and seem to overlook what they ARE getting).

The point is you have to take everything away that you give your H, so that he sees the value of it. There is, of course, the risk that the OW could start fulfilling those ENs once Plan B is in effect...but at the sam time she may also be showing him her annoying habits, etc. (plus you are not in control of THEIR relationship--if he chooses that route it just has to go its course).

List what you think his ENs are? Family support, financial support, etc. When you go Dark--don't just be invisible--don't meet his needs!

The problem with your present scenario is that all you are removing is your presence. He will still feel the "family support" if he can go home to the family house and play with the boys each night.

He wants to split--then let him taste what it means to split--share the boys time, share the finances. And no more Luna can you pick up this, or Luna can you do that.

Make him handle some of the stuff you have been handling. He has to figure out just what it is that Luna does and that makes his life better.

(BUT certainly make him clearly agree not to have boys with OW--that is a TERRIBLE role play for your sons!)

Oh, and I hope that you are taking care of yourself these two weeks. Go to a spa, get a facial, a new hairstyle--go out with friends and do some fun stuff!

<small>[ March 19, 2005, 08:04 AM: Message edited by: Ahuman ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Bump up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hello everyone,

I am still here. You are all right. My inaction is pitiful.

I have decided to see another MC who supposedly is not "neutral", by myself, (as opposed to an IC for myself). I am wanting to find someone who values marriage.

A good friend of the family is providing me with great support, as well as H's sister who is a psychologist!

Taking it day by day. I am not at a good place.

And how all this must be frustrating for you all! I see all the suffering ahead, and can't seem to move. My younger boy is telling me he "loves me", that helps a lot. My older one seems to be collaborating. They certainly help me to keep going. There is a lot of emptiness.

When H comes back, will likely take up friend's offer to stay with her for awhile to take a break, and already I see myself missing the boys.

I hate my 'victim' role but can't seem to get passed it.

I told about my situation to my co-worker, after seeing how much good it did telling one of our "friend of the family". I am getting a lot of support, and it feels good, am getting a chance to talk about it, and get it out there. I am hoping that past the talk, action will follow. That's what I am hoping, before it's really too late.

Anyway. I am writing away what I think, and I am not really thinking about you all and what a boring read this is going to be. I feel in spite of it all, you all feel for me. I really really do appreciate that. You will all never know how much. You are all in my heart, because you all came into my life at a time I will never forget.

I know you all have gone through the pain, but I know that some of you are at better place now. I am so glad for you.

I have actually set up appt. to have a free consultation with lawyer at the YMCA about "separation" issues at the suggestion of another friend (and did it just for her sake!)

I am not looking forward to seeing "facts" about separation, but I need to be realistic, even though I don't want to go there, really.

I could write all this and then through it out. But, I owe you the truth for all the energy you have all put into me. Just letting you all know, inspite of the lack of results, I know you all have made a helpful difference somehow.

Lunamare,

At least, when the pain becomes too much to handle, or when things have not progressed for you, and you are ready to begin, you do have sufficient information in your threads to begin the work.

You, of all the people I've seen on these forums, need to develop the strength to stand alone as an individual, and, to stand up to your WH. Not a criticism, mind you, just an observation.

I have a feeling you will be a much stronger individual in the future.

You have the tools to join the MB program at your disposal. I hope you choose to take advantage of them before your marriage slips away.

Best wishes,
SD

Hi Luna,

I am trying to figure out if your inaction to this situation IS the situation or whether you are generally a passive person?

Would you consider yourself passive by nature? Throughout your marriage have you generally just "gone with the flow" or were you guiding the relationship and giving your feedback in it?

Glad to hear you have started some exposure. I was wondering does WH have a friend you can go to? His best man maybe? Afterall, he was there and witnessed your WH make his promises to you. What about WH parents?

Well,

I also am trying to figure out what's up with my passivity and inaction.

So, I am asking myself questions. I seem to be in a 'depressed' state of mind. Apparently, this may mean several things:

- depression is anger going "inward"; if that is the case, I am in denial about my anger...?? which I am told is nothing else than frustrations, disappointments - a cover up for other emotions - that I feel towards myself, my H, life, my own family/parents,....? and it must come out somehow, or else.... but I don't seem to be doing anything towards this goal; I am not sure how to go about expressing this anger/frustration/etc... I guess I would like to express it without causing undue damage, and don't do it because it can't be done
- I seem to want to maintain a status quo at all cost; why? everything is up in the air? My whole life is a mess? and I am trying to keep a status quo? How ridiculous can it get.

- am I afraid of what would happen if I let "go", let go of the control of my anger,etc.? Am I afraid to face/name my frustrations, disappointments, fears... Give it a voice? Does this scare me? Is there so much anger that I worry about where I would end up - like going over the edge.... YES, I think this is a definite fear.

One thing is certain, I feel better when I am "in action", ex. at work, doing things with friends, even though the thoughts remain everpresent, I do feel better, even though afterwards when I am all alone, the "down" time seems greater, the loniless is greater, but I need to be prepared to live the down times to enjoy some "time"! I certainly wouldn't want me for company right now.

How can I try and enjoy myself, when inside I hurt so much? But this I have got to try and do, I think.

Other fears to face: I think that someone needs to believe that M is not over for it to have a chance, but my wanting to believe in this, it seems to lead me to inaction. On the other hand, "action" would mean that I do not believe it any longer, and therefore M is really over. I may be ready for Plan D, and that's the end of that.

Is there a medium place? Continue to believe in a possible reconciliation while at the same time continue the route to separation because it is what H wants.

Well,

I also am trying to figure out what's up with my passivity and inaction. I wasn't always that way.

So, I am asking myself questions. I seem to be in a 'depressed' state of mind. Apparently, this may mean several things:

- if depression is anger directed "inward"; am I in denial about my anger...?? which I am told is nothing else than frustrations, disappointments - a cover up for other emotions - that I feel towards myself, my H, life, my own family/parents,....? and it must come out somehow, or else.... but I don't seem to be doing anything towards this goal; I am not sure how to go about expressing this anger/frustration/etc... I guess I would like to express it without causing undue damage, and don't do it because it can't be done
- I seem to want to maintain a status quo at all cost; why? everything is up in the air? My whole life is a mess? and I am trying to keep a status quo? How ridiculous can it get.. all because I don't want to bother people... don't want to upset them.. don't want to be a burden.. I accept everything??

I do feel like I am lost.

- Specifically, now am I afraid of what would happen if I let "go", let go of the control of my anger,etc.? Am I afraid to face/name my frustrations, disappointments, fears... Give it a voice? Does this scare me? Is there so much anger that I worry about where I would end up - like going over the edge.... YES, I think this is a definite fear.

One thing is certain, I feel better when I am "in action", ex. at work, doing things with friends, even though the thoughts remain everpresent, I do feel better, time passes more quickly, even though afterwards when I am all alone, the "down" time seems greater, the loniless is greater, but I need to be prepared to live the down times to enjoy some "time"! I certainly wouldn't want me for company right now.

How can I try and enjoy myself, when inside I hurt so much? But this I have got to try and do, I think. Maybe say, that between such and such a time you will cry and be sad - the rest of the time do what you got to do.

Other fears to face: right now, I think that someone needs to believe that M is not over for it to have a chance, but my wanting to believe in this, seems to lead me to inaction. On the other hand, "action" would mean that I do not believe in it any longer, and therefore M is really over. I may be ready for Plan D, and that's the end of that.

Is there a medium place? Continue to believe in a possible reconciliation while at the same time continue the route to separation because I don't have the choice.

I think it's trying to do the two that keeps me from doing nothing. They don't seem compatible. It's all or nothing. For me to move forward, it means letting go of M forever, but on the other hand, I would have to deal with H for the children, and therefore, I cannot totally let it go. That's one of my frustrations. If I needed to let the M go, I wouldn't want to deal with H anymore, and that's just not going to be possible, and everytime I will/would see him, the pain of it all would always be there. I feel doomed to pain. How pathetic!

Sorry everybody, it looks like venting to me, but if it helps... I know you will understand.

Any suggestions on how to get the anger out without having to kill my H or myself?

Have been reading Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis. Any comments on her approach?