</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GOODWIFEY:
<strong>

I told him tonight that I was not leaving, he was not leaving that we could work on this but I needed to know the truth. He admitted that he was attracted to her but it never went any further than that.

....But he is holding to his story. So if I don't do anything about the lie dectector test, I have to believe him and move forward. Very hard to do.

I need to believe that this marriage is salvagable. But I need to know the truth as well, but it may come at a steep price. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Goodwifey:

First off I should say sorry for your pain <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

This is certainly one way to handle it. If you don't want to handle the "steep price" by finding out the "truth" ---> (which I am sure in your heart of hearts you all ready know), then by all means, you should believe this "story" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> by your husband and move on.

This message board is "littered" with stories of women and men who have taken the exact course you are about to. There results are all here for your review.

Best wishes.

LM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Here's my suggestion (for what its worth) :

If you've got the dough and he won't confess then hire a PI to get the real truth.

This he said, she said junk could go on for months and drive you completely around the bend. WS's are famous for making up fabulous lies to hide their A. This board is littered with examples.

Miker

To answer your question in a word NO!! It is simply amazing how clear these cases are to everyone but the BS and I include myself in that group. It is crystal clear that there is something, you may never know exactly what, wrong here.

I would second what WAT said. While trying to figure out what he did or didn't do start plan Aing your [censored] off.

And always remember that IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!

Hello everyone,

I wish now I had not confronted so early, but I felt like I was under the gun as we are in the midst of making some very life altering decisions, all centered around my husband's job.

We went out of town, my husband had his interviews and I let the issue go for the last couple of days. We had a good couple of days, with no mention of the e-mails, the OW or my husband's actions. My husband probably thinks, I'm over it and is probably surprised that I have let it go so quickly. But the whole time I have been thinking about him writing "I ache for you, when can I see you" and I feel sick. He has class tonight and if we don't move then he has this semester and 2 semesters next year before he finishes the program (May 2006). It is the same group of people that have attended the classes from the beginning and they will be together till the end. So if we stay here then we will see her at least once a week.

Last Thursday, he did admit that he was attracted to her, that she was fun and fun to be around. He had not admitted that up to that point, in fact when I would tease him about her previously he would say "she's not my type".

I'm going to let him know in the next couple of days that I am going to follow-up on the polygraph and set an appointment. We will see what he does and how he reacts.

But how do I go about finding out how I can get a polygraph test?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GOODWIFEY:
<strong>I'm going to let him know in the next couple of days that I am going to follow-up on the polygraph and set an appointment. We will see what he does and how he reacts.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is a mistake.

What are you trying to "prove"? Seems you have all the proof you need that an affair was/is in progress.

By forcing the crazy polygraph idea, you're trying to force a confession out of him. This is what you're really after, right? An attempt to force him to do anything is a huge mistake.

EVEN IF you go through with this and he's stupid enough to agree with it, he'll just deny any "proof." "Everybody knows," he'll say, "polygraph tests are falible - that's why they're not admissible in court."

Save your money.

Again, you already have all the real proof you need.

For analysis sake, let's assume he DOES get tested and he DOES confess - to something you already know. Then what? What would you do differently THEN that you wouldn't do right now?

See? If you truly want to save your marriage - it doesn't matter right now whether he confesses or not - the actions you need to take ARE THE VERY SAME!

No further proof, no confession > Plan A, confession is just a matter of time.

"Proof", confession > Plan A.

The ONLY reason to obtain more proof is if you intend to divorce him. Even then, a polygraph won't suffice. Hire a PI with a camera and save those e-mails.

WAT

WAT,

Yes you are right, the end result would be the same. I have no intention of divorcing my husband. Because other than a few up and downs, we have a great marriage, like spending time together, have a great life and four wonderful kids and things are only looking better.

But I just need to know. I need to know so I can better understand what drives him, what made him go there (if he did go there) and what we could do to stop it from happening in the future. Prior to these incidents, I had no clue that he was the type of guy who could act this way with a woman. He has always made me feel like I'm it, I am the one for him. But if his actions are different than his words to me, how do I know who he really is. What was he seeking when he acted this way (assuming it was just flirting) with her?

Why, why, why...that's what I need to know. I can't let it go...

I have to say that I agree with WAT. Your insistence for a polygraph turns you into a prosecuting attorney and you don't need to be cast into that role.

Plus, he can still deny the affair even with an unfavorable polygraph. And if he is innocent, which I doubt, it is a huge unneccesary lovebuster. I would try and get more undeniable, relevent evidence, via a P.I. and/or putting spyware on his computer. That type of evidence will rule it in or out without the humilation or ambiguity of a polygraph.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GOODWIFEY:
<strong>I need to know so I can better understand what drives him, what made him go there (if he did go there) and what we could do to stop it from happening in the future.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's what Plan A will do for you, along with some of the other guidance in SAA.

You have an excellent opportunity here.

From your description, the affair may already be over and was doomed from the start. You have four children together to provide all the motivation you both need to keep the family together, and you have plans to physically move away from OW.

Don't blow this.

Please consider putting all your energy you have to "know" what happened into actions that we know will prevent it from happening again - and building a better family environment to boot.

Drop the polygraph. Drop the PI.

Pick up Plan A. Pick up SAA. Pick up your marriage.

WAT

I've been doing Plan A since last week, all is going well. I will get a copy of SAA this weekend. I know what you are saying, it's just so hard to make my heart and head follow along.

But it's so easy for someone who has been in this position before, had knowledge of thier spouse's affair to tell me to let this go. The need to know is all consuming, not that he is aware of it at this point. But the longer I keep this in and pretend all is well, Plan A my [censored] off, I'm not being real, truthful about my feelings. Just like he was doing with me as he carried on a relationship/flirting with this woman. Why should he be allowed to get away with a suspected affair? If he is not being truthful then what would the marriage be based on?

Goodwifey,

Those emails ARE your proof. There is nothing remotely innocent about them. The only reason you are questioning them at all is because your WH denied that they are what they are.

Some WH will tell a BS they were NOT in the sack with the OP when the BS walked in on them and caught them red handed.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why should he be allowed to get away with a suspected affair? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This statement baffles me.

You have two choices here - divorce or continue with the marriage and start working the plans.

Well one more as well and that would be to sweep it under the carpet like he wants you to do and slowly go insane, but I don't really consider that a choice. More of an "unchoice".

Stop listening to his lieing words, they are only confusing you. If the affair is ongoing than believe me there will be more signs and proof will present itself. I might higher a PI if I were you to find out if it is ongoing or over however.

Good luck to you Goodwifey.

<small>[ March 03, 2005, 05:33 AM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

The more I think about it, I'm really not sure what I would do if I found out the truth, meaning that there was more than flirting going on.

Part of me says that I would stay, but also a part of me says that I would leave because I could not live forever the way I have been feeling right now. This is not the first time he has acted inappropiatley with a female. He has had fliratious relationships with other co-workers before, but those were innocent compared to the e-mails that I found. I don't know if I can do this anymore, not trusting him.

So part of me says, push the polygraph test, so I will know the truth so that I can make the decision to stay or go. I feel once I know the WHOLE truth, then I can make a decisison and right now I don't feel like he has been completely truthful about his relationship/feeling for this OW. All I know now it that I can't go on feeling this way for too long, checking his every move, wondering if he is really telling me the whole truth or just what I want to hear.

The sad part is he is a good father and husband, but I don't know if I can live with the side of him that I clueless about. How can someone who tells me I am his everything, he would be lost without me say the things he did to the OW and tell me he was just flirting...