Dani,
So they contacted you? That's a good sign.
Sounds like someone will finally look into this case from your POV (the real POV <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

Have a nice weekend.

L.

It is a good sign! Hopefully Monday I will know more...and then Friday is court.

It has been one week and one day since I last talked to WH. He has not tried to call me since last Friday when I wouldn't answer...
He took the money and got what he wanted...so I guess he feels no reason to try and call me. I don't have time for him right now anyhow..

When I gave him the tax money he paid $400 (I think that is the amount, I don't remember) on his credit card. I am an authorized user. Well I looked this morning and guess what? He charged $75.00 to FTD just flowers. What a nice guy! Glad he is giving he all the things he should be giving me..

I have been looking in the paper for a house to rent in Maine. I came across the BEST house for WH. It is up in hunting/fishing country where he would LOVE to live...
My loving self would like to forward the add to him...
My plan B self says 'look what you missed...'

Today is my daughters birthday party. Two of her freiends from a playgroup are coming over <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Looks like I better get cleaning.....
Danielle

<small>[ March 05, 2005, 07:22 AM: Message edited by: DanigirlinVA ]</small>

Danielle,

For some reason, the fact that you're getting a bit sarcastic is encouraging to me.

Hang in there!

Dobie

That's good...you need to focus only on your kids now...do cut that post to you out earlier and read it several times daily. You need more strength. YOu're doing a good plan B...but you're still thinking of wh.

Please understand some ws come back. Others do not. MB is a plan to restore a marriage, even if one side is doing all the work. But there comes a point where we have to just stick to the plan B deal period. What is concerning me is the talk of your WS, or alien. I will just call him E.T. from now on. Et babbles on and says he's not going to pay CS. And you gotta take that as a direct financial threat to your kids. You print off any emails from him, and record all phone convos...and you print off the receipt or proof of purchase for flowers. You may also call, since it's on your joint account, to the flower shop and get the address of floral delivery...which should work nicely for proof.

Don't worry about court. You're having a hearing in which the judge will hear your side, and he will hear from two aliens. He will be able to understand you, as you speak English and not whatever in the heck language aliens speak these days...sure, it sounds like english, but it's riddled with lies, incorrect facts, and a bunch of verbal garbage.

When the thoughts of "if I could only talk to him...I'd finally one day get thru to him" hit you...Imagine ET sitting in your living room...No wait, not ET (et is too cure)...I'd imagine a tall, skinny, grey skinned, big eyed alien. Imagine this alien wants to take over the world...and you stand in his way of accomplishing his goal. Do you think your words could effectively make this creature stop his efforts? No way. HE has his alien reality and you have yours. He's thinking of how great life will be when he controls the world and you just want him to quit wanting to take over the world. Plus you two do not speak same language. Sometimes he says one or two words in english, but most of the time you cannot get a grip on what he's saying.

That's your WS now. He's on the affair high and his brain is not working properly. It may switch into the "on" position but for now, it's on "off". Only he can turn the brain back on btw...you cannot. Give that part up for now. Don't worry if he finds a house. Don't think about him.

Instead, think of what you can do...in our little story, our analogy, the alien wants to take over the world...your world. And you have to keep that from happening. All you need to do right now is keep your XH from taking over your finances right now. And you have to think of ways to keep that from happening. My first inclination is to make sure that as of NOW you get a legal separation and have it secured that he has to pay CS and other family expenses.

When you're dark, at first it's great. yOu don't have to deal with the facts surrounding the aliens anymore. You get happy with that. I did. And you just kinda work on you and get on with things....what needs to happen with going dark, a plan B, is that we need to add in there for the BS to immediately address issues of necessity and finances...When things, life calls for plan B, you gotta get some personal security. That part is forgotten by alot of BS who are just at this point tring to get some healing of their wounds from the Affairs and betrayals. And yes plan B is merciful b/c you just dump off the crud and all that is the WS. But that is also the time for clear thinking and it's never good to wait if we have a wild, outta control WS or Alien out there trying to keep our kids from having food, clothes, and a home.

Don't wait on this. Get legal aid now. Secure this now...and have your legal aid lawyer find and communicate w/legal aid in your new area of residence so this can be easily amended or noted in the new state you will be living in. YOu can do this. It's going to take some work but get it going now. Look at at this way, it's gonna be a good distraction now. During B you need all the work and focus you can get.

I just want you to make wise choices now. You're doing well. Keep up the good work. Let the WS crumble. Let them just fly around on that little damn flying saucer until the thing runs outta rocket fuel and crashes. Stay dark, get some wise work done so the kids and you are secure and safe, while working on your personal healing and growth. That's your focus today.

Just peachy,
Thank you for the post...
I will reply in a bit.

Thanks Dobie...I am trying...

Right now I am actually sitting here crying..
I am not exactly sure why.
My best friend called me on her way home from 'date night' with her husband. They went to the movies. She doesn't rub it in at all, but just the fact that she is happy makes me upset. I know I should be happy for her...her husband had an affair a little over a year ago and they are doing so well...
I didn't cry when she told me I just said 'yea yea, let's not go there' She said sorry and we changed the subject.
Now I am sitting here crying............
Honestly, if marriage is this hard, then heck with that. I wish someone would have let me know this 6 years ago, and I would be single today.

Danielle

Dani-

I understand. This sucks big time, it's just all I can do to take it. I am going to be going back to plan B after tommorrow. Tonight my WH was here and I denied him SF for the first time since we separated. He actually looked like he was going to cry, now I feel like I just got my @$$ kicked.

I hope everything goes well with the move. You and your family are in my prayers.

-Caren

Please...help me before I BLOW UP!

Okay, so the last time I talked to WH was the 25th...

On the way home from bringing my son to the therapist WH calls from a number I don't know.

He says 'I have your orders on the ship, come pick them up tonight, I will meet you on the QD'

I just acted like a deer in headlights...I didn't know what to say.
Then he said 'and you can bring my sea bag and suit too'

I said 'actually, I am not going to be in charge of your things'. I didn't know how to respond.

Then he told me that he is probably getting out of the Navy on April 1 because the OWs H called the ship and was upset and causing trouble so the CMC and his Chief suggested that he put in a chit to get out early.

He said 'when I get off restriction on the 23rd I will be over to get all my stuff, oh and btw, I don't owe you **** till next month because you didn't give me my tax money'

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I don't care about the one months of money right now. Especially if he is getting out on the 1st, I won't see a penny from him.

So, I need the orders, I can't stand my WH. What do I do? I am in tears...
Danielle

Why do you need to meet him at the QD? Don't play it that way. He can leave it there in a sealed envelope and someone else can pick it up for you. He's just trying to drag you into another conversation so he can make you doubt yourself again and you both get your "fix".

I emailed you my instant message info if you want to talk.

Dobie

I just tried calling the CMC and left him a message saying that WH called me and I needed to speak with him asap.

I am thinking of calling the ship and telling them to give a message to Adam to leave the orders at the QD in an envelope..
Or should I wait to see if the CMC calls me soon?

I wonder what OWs Husband did...
I would call him, but I want nothing to do with him either.

Maybe I could hide in my bed all day?

Good luck, Dani. I don't understand all this military stuff -- but I second Dobie.

Actually, the fact that the OW's husband is causing your WH and the OW some trouble, and that your WH is so upset, is pretty good news.

The affair isn't so much fun once it's no longer secret and complications start to surface.

I agree with Dobie about having somebody else go pick up the stuff from your WH. Don't contact WH, just let him assume you will be doing as he instructed, but then somebody else shows up to get the stuff instead. Your WH want's to have his OW and have you still be 'respectful' (obedient) to him too... cake-eating and you do NOT have to do what he says. Also your WH keeps linking his cooperation in giving you what you need and have a right to, with obeying his orders. I'd sure love to see his expression when somebody else shows up to get the stuff from him instead of you. How would he explain, to the person who does this favor for you (let alone to the OW), why he would be angry about not getting to see you in person? LOL My WH tried to make up all sorts of excuses to demand my having to have contact with him (even when there was a restraining order). Then later, during Plan A he wanted me to go out on dates with him behind OW's back! Of course because I was in Plan A I did spend time with him, but whenever possible, made sure OW found out... tee hee. Then when I went to Plan B he at times would promise to meet conditions for reconciliation in order to get to talk to me or see me. BUT my BIG MISTAKE was not waiting until I had enough PROOF he was ready to change and make a total committment.

Do NOT break Plan B to have contact with your WH!
He'll just string you along. To prevent accidently talking to him again (when he calls from a number you don't recognize or a blocked number - my WH tries this too LOL) let all calls from numbers you don't recognize go to the answering machine. Also, your WH sounds a LOT like mine and when you do have contact with him he will lie and tell OW that YOU are the one insisting on contact with HIM.

Get a separation agreement ASAP that specifies what you and your child are entitled to for support. Then stop thinking of your WH as a source of ANYTHING until/unless the alien invasion ends. You don't want to be dependent on him for anything he can dangle in front of you. Have somebody else contact WH on your/child's behalf if there is a need you can't find help with elsewhere. I know this sounds like letting your WH off the hook, but your dependency on your WH is being exploited by him.

I am struggling with the same thing right now.
I get child support and even 'maintenance' money for myself for WH. But it's not nearly enough to pay for all expenses, let alone daughters' sk8ing. So WH has been giving us extra money now and then.

I actually came here today because I was considering contacting WH to ask for some help.
But I really don't want to break Plan B. I don't know anybody who will serve as an intermediary and WH has refused to cooperate with all previous attempts to have a go-between. (He even refused visitation with his daughters when restraining order was in place because he demanded to pick them up at my home instead of at a mutual friends.)

Right now the rent, electric & sk8ing fee are all overdue, hotel reservation needs to be made for daughters' sk8 competition in two weeks, car broke down and is at shop, car registration expires tomorrow... (and we're out of milk and cat food LOL)

I have put off going back to work because I am homeschooling daughters, busy taking daughters to sk8ing, would need to go back to school to update my career skills, two daughters are suffering with depression and behavior problems and need to have at least ONE parent around, have been advised by doctors to reduce my stress (LOL) because I'm being treated for severe hypertension and depression, and I have no relatives in this state to help out.

I have considered moving closer to relatives but that while that would ease some stresses it would increase others... This is the first place my daughters have gotten to stay more than just a few months and they don't want to move away from their friends and activities again.

I feel like I should just tough it out until the homeschooling is done and daughters and I can get jobs.

I'm really looking forward to someday not needing ANYTHING from WH - ALL my our needs met elsewhere.

Keep track of ALL attempts by your WH to manipulate you because of your dependency on him.
Make sure your local domestic abuse workers, lawyer, relatives, etc. are aware of such attempts to control you. It is actually considered an abusive behavior to threaten non-support or any sort of backlash if you don't submit to the abuser's demands.

In my case I also made sure my WH's relatives, WH's coworkers, OW, and OW's relatives knew about my WH's demands and manipulations. It helped (some of) them to see he was expecting more contact with me, and more influence over me, than somebody claiming to want to divorce me was entitled to!

The WS wants their freedom FROM you.... but they sometimes don't want YOU to have the same freedom. If the OP becomes aware of this motive of your WS (even if they claim not to believe you) they will become aware of the WS cake-eating and will try to put the WS on a short leash. And THAT will take a LOT of the fun and fantasy out of their fling!

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

My wenchy side just started snickering when I remembered how he told you that you should accept the situation because OW's H does and they're all great friends.

Dobie

Dani -

How are things going?

Did you get the papers you needed from WH?

Did you send somebody else to get them so WH wouldn't get to see you in person?

Are you letting unidentified phone calls go to the answering machine?

Dobie - Oh yea! sounds like the OW's BH is real buddy-buddy with the adulterers (NOT!)

Thank you for thinking of me..

Well after WH called me, I called his command master chief (CMC, who is 'in charge' of my WH) and left a message for him to call me back regarding my WH and seperation orders. I waited about an hour and then sent this e-mail to my WH.

"Dear WH,
It is very urgent that I receive the paperwork necessary to move my family home. However, as we have previously discussed I am unable to have contact with you in any way under the current situation. I will come to the ship to pick up the 5 copies of orders. Please give them to the QD watch in an envelope. I am able to pick them up without having any contact with you.
Danielle"

I did not recieve a reply. About another hour later the CMC called me back and said 'Do you have a fax machine? There is no need for you to drive all the way out here, let me fax them to you' I said 'that would be great, Thank You' (he had previously told me that he couldn't fax them) He then said 'I have had enough crap with the OW and her husband, I don't need WH acting out of line again tonight, so this will be the best thing' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
I gave him my fax number and they arrived via fax within minutes.

Later that night WH sent me an e-mail that read "Bring my seabag and we have a deal. love ya baby gurl"
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I didn't reply.
I have an appointment Thursday with the Navy moving center to find out the specifics and set up the move...

Court is Friday... I have had enough of his 'baby gurl' crap too...

Danielle

Good Morning!

About 8:30 AM I get a call. I answer it and the female voice on the other line says 'Hello, is this Mrs. Cicci?' That is the OW. WHAT? I said "No, you must have the wrong number' She said 'is the XXX-XXXX?' I said 'Yes, but this is not Mrs. Cicci.' She said 'I am sorry' and hung up.

Excuse me?
What is going on here?
Now I have people calling for HER on MY phone?
Yea, time to change my number. If I didn't worry about WH being able to claim that he had no way to get in touch with me about the kids because he didn't have a number I would!
Danielle

Hi Danielle! You are doing so well! I know how hard this is for you! Does your WH have your cell number? Can you change your home number and keep the cell number the same? or vice versa! That is really bizarre someone is calling YOU and thinking it is OW...I would imagine it is either the OW herself or a pranker to get you all riled up!

You hang in there sweetie!

I think it's more likely that it's a bill collector. OW probably gave them Dani's phone number instead of her own as a contact number.

Maybe Dani could give whoever calls her H's number?!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

LC

My evil twin thinks Dani should give any bill collectors or such the number to the CMC. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Let us know how your meeting with the moving people goes, Dani.

Also, from the reaction of your H's command, I'm wondering if there's a Congressional inquiry or something.

Dobie

I am thinking the call for the OW might have been from a friend of hers....
Since she CAN'T call me, she finds someone else to try and bother me. Oh well, shows how bored she is.

I went to the Navys class today about moving. They NORMALLY give you 60% of the payment up front, and the other %40 after you move. The upfront payment is direct deposited into the active duty members bank account and the money at the end is sent in check form to the address that *I* list. Because of the circumstances and I explained the issues to them....I am requesting NOTHING up front, and the complete payment be MAILED to ME after the move. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I hope this all works out...

Court is tomorrow...my lawyer said she was going to call me this afternoon after she went over some paperwork that I had brought her earlier in the week. I have not heard from her yet, and I did call and leave a message with her... I am a bit worried.

On the way home from the class I heard a new song by Blake Shelton, called Goodbye time. I believe that he knows me...like he wrote it for me...
The lyrics are as follows

"It's your life
You say you need a change
Don't all the dreams
We've seen come true
Mean anything

You say it's different now
And you keep staring at the door
How can you walk away
Don't I matter any more

Chorus:
If being free
Is worth what you leave behind
And if it's too late
For love to change your mind
(Then it's) goodbye time

If we had known
Our love would come to this
We could have saved
Our hearts the hurt
Of wasted years
Well it's been fun
What else can I say

If the feeling's gone
Words won't stop you anyway
(Repeat Chorus)

Goodbye baby"


Of course I started crying my eyes out.. When I came home I decided to pack up WHs clothes. I started putting them in a tote...
Some shirts I would see, and think of a time he wore it, and how special the time was...then I just threw it down.
Question is....Do I pack up all of his clothes? I feel like keeping the nice ones, or the ones I gave him, or something...
I am grasping...oh well. Then I thought about keeping a uniform for the kids...
Maybe I shouldn't pack them at all. I KNOW 100% when he gets off restriction on the 23rd he is either
going to come by or call and say he is coming for his stuff. So do I just ignore him? Pack them up and say their in the yard?
I am moving April 1... Advice?
Danielle

Danielle,

Too sleep deprived to be of much help today, but good luck in court tomorrow!

Just get a couple big boxes and throw all his stuff in them for him to pick up when it's convenient for you and you can have a witness present. You know that if you hold anything back it'll turn into more drama and drag you down. I suspect that's what you may be subconsciously hoping for, but that's not healthy.

I'll try to be of more support tomorrow.

Dobie