hello everyone. i am new to the forum. i havenot told my story yet, but want advice. my husband had an affair last year during a bad stretch for us. iwas not treating him the way he needed to be treated and i think i was just not feeding him his emotional needs well. this site has helped us understand how it happened and why. i have taken alot of the responsibility for the affair, and husband has given me some forgiveness for the way i made him feel. he has professed sorrow also for his actions in this affair. he was feeling bad for himself and other woman went after him many times at work. she would not give up, even when he told her many times that he was married with 3 children. she never stopped pursuing him, and he was to weak to stop her advances. he admits this to me. i know that my husband is a great man and great father. he is a man of honor and integrity, and a church going god fearing man. everyone in my family looks up to him as the leader of the family. my three children adore him, and rightfully so. this ow has ruined our lives. i have not even got to the worse of the story. she got preganant she says by my husband. she has a 2 month old son, and she name him after my husbands name. my husband says that child is his probably, but is angry now that the woman did not have abortion for it, and he did give her money to do this. she has attorney and is trying to get us to pay cs. she is a horrible woman who comes from trash family with no honor. my dh is sickened at her for coming after him when he got rid of her after the affair.

my husband is very angry with this all and he says he will not pay one nickel to her for cs as he did not want child. the woman lie to my husband and say she was on birth control and he did not use condom once and that is when she got pregnant. i am so angry now at the ow for doing this to my husband and family. my husband is a very proud man and i know that he will not pay any child support ever for this. i am afraid that they will place him in jail. can they do this. ow say so. my dh has threatened her if she continues this. i am afraid for him as he is so angry with her. he says he does not care. he has always been very hard and controlling with money and he is so angry about this all now. i don't know what to do. my dh is angry that people may know and he will not stand for anyone looking down on him or our family. i am so sad for him. we don't deserve any of this. there are rumors already spreading in our community. my husband yells at me if i cry or worry to. what can we do.? please help us. i don't want to pay this ***** money for tricking my dh into pregnancy. he did not want this. we will hire lawyer and fight her till the death before we pay any money. he says he doens't care about anyting now except that she pays for doing this to us and my family. i know that my husband did not mean for this to happen. he would never do anything to hurt me or our children. i am so proud of my husband for standing up for us like this. the ow should burn in **** for what she did to us. can you beautiful people help us and advise us on what to do with the situation. we want to forget this and deny anything about paternity and pay no money. my dh will not have anything to do with this ******* child and will deny any and all assocaition with him. i agree with this. to me that child is a child that should not be born. i dont feel the trashy ow and her child should bring any harm or shame to my dh or family. please help me. please.

maria

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 05:44 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Maria,

Sorry to hear your story but I think that you are not headed in the right direction. You can't deny the child. Your husband made a mistake and now he has to be held accountable for it. He will have to pay child support and face his family and tell them the truth. If he doesn't then he will not be the man of honor you mention. Everyone who looks upto him will be being lied. If he is as good as you say then he will recognize that child (if it is his). If I weer you I would be a little more concerned about your H doing something to hurt the OW and her child. Seek professional help ASAP.


SM.

Maria, my advice to you would be to tell your H to act like A MAN - instead of a coward - and start paying child support for the child he helped produce.

You see, when you sleep with a liar there is a chance that said liar will lie to you about birth control. That is just common sense. That is a risk that he willing and knowingly took.

Y'all need to accept the fact that your H is responsible for bringing a child into the world and will have to pay for his child. This is the CONSEQUENCE of having an affair and the sooner y'all accept that, the better off you will be.

The alternative is to go to jail. Take your pick.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> my dh will not have anything to do with this ******* child and will deny any and all assocaition with him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Frankly, the only ******* I see in this situation is your H so it would benefit the child greatly if your H disavowed him. This child did not ask to be born to 2 pigs in heat or to be the product of a sleazy affair. But yes, for the child's sake, I would only hope and pray that your H never even darken his doorstep with his unsavory presence.

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 05:46 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

i also want just say sorry for my errors in my posts above this one. i am not good in writing these things out. i feel that if we can just forget about this child and not pay child support then my husband wont be so mad about everything. how do you make sure noone else finds things out.? the ow ***** is telling people who the father is of her ******* child. i feel sorry for that boy as he is a child of sin. and i know my husband wont ever ackowledge his life. if we can just stop any one from knowing about this and force the trashy ow to stop going for child support than i know god can bless us and we can move on. have any of you ever been in this sad tale and survived your marriages. i know we can do it if the ow would just let us. she will never know the hurt and pain she has made for me and my husband and god forbid my family and children if they find out. someone please help me what to do to stop all of this.

maria

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 05:47 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

If he refuses to pay child support, then my advice would be to buy the man some soap on a rope because he will need it in the big house.

Maria,


Wake up and smell the coffee!!!!! If there is someone to blame for all this is your husband!!!! If you trully believe in God then worry about saving your H soul becasuse he is going to burn in **** for all eternity!!!! Stop calling the OW *****, stop calling the child *******. Get a grip please.

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 05:49 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Maria, some of the answers you have received here may sound a bit mean, but I agree with the advice you have received here. I also agree that both you and your husband have faulty thinking that can only make your situation worse. Here's a list of the problems I see:
1. Your husband focuses on your "fault" in causing this affair. Fact is, he's the one who did this, not you. Sure, we can always do things to make our husbands happier with us, but he has no excuse. He made a bad choice.
2. You want to blame the other woman. You say she pursued him, the wonderful, honorable Christian man that he is. If he was so honorable and was having trouble fending off her advances, he should have come to you and told you about it, so that you could fend them off together. Your involvement would have made the difference. But that's probably the exact reason he didn't involve you, huh?
3. It sounds like your husband knows this child is his -- he gave her abortion money, after all. Still, I would suggest a paternity test, followed by regular child support. Your fine husband needs to step up to the plate. In fact, there are a few plates he's avoiding, as I see it.
4. How can you hate someone if you are a Christian? When there is sin in your life, it gets between you and God. This hatred is a sin that you must repent. The OW doesn't have to be your friend, but if you're a Christian, you must try not to hate her. (Besides that, it was your husband who was in the same bed, you know.)
5. The child, as has been pointed out already, has no fault here. You don't have to do contact with the child, but you can't hate the child and call it names, either. Not if you're a Christian.

I wish you blessings as you deal with this mess. It's horrible -- the worst thing that ever happened to me, bar none. But, ma'am, your focus is in the wrong place. Look to God.
PM

melony, thank you for posting to me. i am sad to read your opinion. my husband already said he wont pay support. how can i change his mind on this.? we have some money he got from grandfather. can we pay the ow to go away forever from our lives.? my husband made some mistakes in his life, but he is a man of honor. i read so many stories of support for husbands here, why cant i get support for mine. i love him more than live itself and have raised our children for him. i dont work out of the house and i cant make money. he is in charged of all of the money. i know that i cant make him pay the support. he gets so mad when i bring this up. i know that he is not gonna like your advice to me. i want to be happt for us and hopeful for the future, but the ow wont let us do that. if she would just drop this support and raise that ******* child herself than we could move on.
i feel so lost at times when this happens. i vowed to love, honor, and obey my husband. he is the man and leader of our family. i trust him with my life and he says he knows what to do. if we fight her long enough, i pray to god that he will make the ow pay for this and banish her from our lives and we wont have to pay. there are truly sick and terrible people on earth and the ow is one. she and her child have ruined my family. thank you for your responses, they help me to know there is help for us.

maria

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 05:51 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

“””i know that my husband is a great man and great father. he is a man of honor and integrity, and a church going god fearing man.”””

Well I guess the proverbial proof will be in the pudding. A ‘great man’ will make mistakes, as your husband did but his greatness will show in how he handles the err of his ways. A ‘great father’ will take care of his children. A ‘church going God fearing man’ will accept responsibility for his actions and not try to flush them out of site and out of mind.

As for you, don’t get so swept up in this drama that you can’t see the situation for what it is. Your husband voluntarily had unprotected intercourse with another woman that resulted in a baby being born. Your husband created that child and is responsible for it legally. The support that is due that child is for expense of raising him/her, so you are not “paying” the mother, you are supporting the child.

Now y’all have a choice to make, will y’all stand up and do the right thing?

now, then Sadman. Her husband doesn't have to burn in hell. He does, however, need to accept responsibility (repent) and turn from his evil ways. If his sin sends him straight to hell, we'll all have to meet him there.
PM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mcorpus29:
<strong> my husband already said he wont pay support. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One of the great things about our court system is that he won't have to write the check, it'll be automatically taken from his paycheck...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mcorpus29:
[ melony, thank you for posting to me. i am sad to read your opinion. my husband already said he wont pay support. how can i change his mind on this.?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maria, you don't have to change his mind on this. The judge will do that when he throws your H in jail for refusing to be a man and support his child.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">she and her child have ruined my family.
maria [/qb]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No Maria, your HUSBAND ruined your family. HE made a choice to commit adultery and has fathered a baby. She didn't get pregnant by herself.

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 02:25 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

PM,

I'm just trying to bring some sense in to this woman who seems to think that her husband is a wonderfull man but the truth couldn't be further away.


Maria,

We are here to support you in making the right decisions, but so far we haven't heard anything coherent from you. Please don't let your H hurt this OW and her child.

Did you read LostHusbands words, Maria?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A ‘great man’ will make mistakes, as your husband did but his greatness will show in how he handles the err of his ways. A ‘great father’ will take care of his children.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As a wife, you should encourage your H to be a good man, not a BAD man. A good man takes care of his children and accepts responsibility for his mistakes. If you love your H, you will help be a GOOD MAN, not a BAD MAN.

Maria, I want to ask you a question.

Let's say one of your children made a mistake that caused a problem, such as taking a toy from the neighbor's yard and hiding it in their own room.

Then, let's say all the other neighbors helped look for the toy, then YOU found it in your child's room.

What would you do? Here are some choices:

1. Throw the toy away and never say a word to anyone.

2. Take the toy to the neighbor and tell them you found it in the alley behind their house.

3. Talk with your son and explain his wrong. Then, go with him to the neighbor's house to return the toy and apologize.

Maria, only choice #3 would be honored by God. Yes, people would know he took the toy, but they would also know that your family is honorable when the going gets tough.

Your husband WILL pay child support, even if the court has to order it taken from his pay before he ever sees it. That is the law.

He doesn't have to see the child or spend time with his son/daughter. You could even try to keep the information from your family, but I imagine that will backfire and be MUCH worse sometime in the future.

You seem very concerned with your husband's being angry, Maria. Does he scare you? If so, are you safe with him?

melony, this site and dr harley profess christian values and we need to forgive. i have forgivven my husband for his acts of betryal. god has forgiven him. my marriage is the most sacred thing for me and my husband. he had a lapse in judgement casued by the ow and her evil. am i and my family gonna have to pay for her trapping my husband with pregancy and support for a child that he gave her money to abort.? the laws need to change. i dont understand how politicans and senators can have laws to make men pay for the children they dont want created out of the bounds of a marriage. there needs to be change. my husband did not want to have this baby in his life or our lifes. he should not have this death sentence wrapped againt him for the ow getting pregannt and choosing to keep the spawned child of sin. my three children were made in love and committment and under gods grace. god did not grant this ******* child life. satan did. it makes me so sad to see this happening to us. my husband has been reduced to tears at times for all of this. the penalities are to great for his one mistake. there are murderes who get less time in jail for their crimes and yet my dh has to pay for the rest of his life with his honor and integrity being questioned and pay our hard earned money to this woman and child. i just cannot accept this. i know that god is powerful and he will protect my family from the evils of this womna and her child. i know he will.

i know that you people are wonderful and mean well for my husband and family. i am just sad. sorry for being so upset at your advise. i asked for it. thank you. bless you all.

maria

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 05:54 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Dear Maria.
You are NOT going to hear what you want to hear because what you are thinking is the solution to this problem, is just not right...You wish this could just be swept under the carpet. It can't.

The thing is, it happened and now you have to decide the right thing to do and not worry about what others will think...RISE ABOVE THIS, honey, make God proud of you.

This precious baby is NOT a [censored]; he is just an innocent little baby.

If your husband is the father, he is responsible not only for child support but in my opionion to also BE A FATHER.

There are many women that get pregnant in an affair with another man...And I can't tell you how much I admire their husbands when they forgive their wives and raise this child as their very own child.

I am not saying you need to help raise this baby, although it would be nice of you!
(If your H is the daddy.)

Listen to what your friends here are telling you.
They are giving GOOD ADVICE.

Your Husband made a mistake but a bigger mistake would be to deny this child. (If it really is his.)

Sincerely, Julie

Maria, please don't feel that we are attacking you, because we don't mean to be mean to you. We just want you to understand what's really going on here.

This is NOT just the OW's fault!! Your husband must accept responsibility for his part.

Also, she is not just going to go away. Your husband fathered a child with her, and she can force him to accept some responsibility through the courts.

I also disagree with you about the child. Satan did not cause this child to be conceived, and neither did God. Your husband and the OW did that all by themselves. God allows us to suffer the consequences of our sin. But, when we start pointing our fingers at everybody else and trying to shift those consequences and all the blame at others, God is not too very happy with us.

We think that is what you are your husband are trying to do. That's been pointed out to you repeatedly, and you refuse to consider the possibility.

Therefore, I'll wish you luck and will not post here again.
PM

Maria,

Go talk to a priest and ask him what would be the right thing to do. If he agrees that he was concieved by satan then maybe he will perform an exorcism.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> god has forgiven him. my marriage is the most sacred thing for me and my husband. he had a lapse in judgement casued by the ow and her evil. am i and my family gonna have to pay for her trapping my husband with pregancy and support for a child that he gave her money to abort.? the laws need to change. i dont understand how politicans and senators can have laws to make men pay for the children they dont want created out of the bounds of a marriage. there needs to be change. my husband did not want to have this baby in his life or our lifes. he should not have this death sentence wrapped againt him for the ow getting pregannt and choosing to keep the spawned child of sin. my three children were made in love and committment and under gods grace. god did not grant this ******* child life. satan did. it makes me so sad to see this happening to us. my husband has been reduced to tears at times for all of this. the penalities are to great for his one mistake. there are murderes who get less time in jail for their crimes and yet my dh has to pay for the rest of his life with his honor and integrity being questioned and pay our hard earned money to this woman and child. i just cannot accept this. i know that god is powerful and he will protect my family from the evils of this womna and her child. i know he will.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">STOP !!! READ !!! LISTEN !!!

You just do NOT get it. NO matter how hard people are trying to help you..you are NOT listening.

STOP BLAMING SOMEONE ELSE FOR YOUR H'S ACTIONS.

If a MAN doesn't want a child....he should use birth control...PERIOD. Your children were conceived in the same physical manner as this little boy. STOP CALLING HIM A *******...HE IS YOUR HUSBANDS SON.

Why should a man NOT have to pay for a child he fathered ??? He is responsible for bringing this sin into your lives, NO ONE is forced into anything. Was he threatened, held at gunpoint to sleep with this woman ? NO it was HIS choice.

But this man...you claim to love and honor...won't COMFORT YOU WHEN YOU BECOME SAD ???
THAT is not a leader of the family...that is a RULER..and there's a BIG difference.

IF THIS CHILD IS HIS...HE WILL PAY....FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS...HE WILL PAY...NO LAW IN THE COUNTRY WILL ALLOW HIM NOT TO PAY...GET OVER THAT PART...IT'S ONLY MONEY.

You are dependant on him...you blame yourself for his A.

WAKE UP HERE.

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>