I have three things to say:
#1--Caren, did you see the part where I waved and said "hi"? That's 'cuz I likes ya! You're my friend and I didn't take it as a personal thing...BUT since it's a public forum and there are other folks out there who lurk who don't know you (and thus, can't tell what ya meant like I can) and who don't know me (and thus, don't know all the stuff I've been through)--I wanted to make it publicly clear that sometimes there CAN be a situation where the BS does not believe in D, works to save the M, the WS won't do their own personal work, and thus a BS ends up filing.
In my own PERSONAL instance, I tried for 3 years...I went to both IC and MC with or without my WS, and he continued to have A's, had mental illnesses he refused to deal with, and had a horrible rage addiction--it was a mess!! After 3 years and finding yet another A, I finally did recognize that it was not me that was ending the M, it was him and his actions...even though I'm the one who filed. In my instance, my WS had no reason to ever file, because he had a live-in maid (whom he could blame for not cleaning his messes), a live-in babysitter (so he could be out running around without thinking of his kids), and live-in sex when he couldn't find any other way to get any Why would HE file?? He had it made in the shade!
Soooooo...just so ya know, we're cool. We're even KEWL! I loves ya--not mad!
*****
#2--about tqt's comment about being overwhelmed and sad, I just wanted to say, "YEP. I feel the same way." In case you didn't notice, I've been signed up here at MB for creeping up on 5 years now, and I lurked for months before that! I'm totally a Feeler kind of person, and lots of times it gets hard for me to hear the pain and anguish that people go through...to hear the stories of infidelity over and over. Yeah, I can "go clinical" a little, but my nature is to jump in, care, and be empathetic, so at times, to take care of myself and make sure I'm not emotionally overloading, I do have to take a little time away from the board...or limit my time...or limit who I respond to.
tqt (and tanelorn), I personally do feel
VERY sad when I see a marriage end. It may be what is best, or a wise decision--it may save a lot of heartache or end the suffering of the children--but any time that one of the members of a marriage refuses to acknowledge their role in the A and the demise of the marriage, and refuses to join their partner in recovering the love they once had...
...It's SAD!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
For my own WexH, to this day I still wish that he would stop running away from himself, deal with his issues, and find the love he so desperately seeks! For most BSs whose WS saw the light and now won't recover...or WSs who refuse to face themselves...it's sad that hiding is more important than the lives they are going to damage.
Sooooo...what a cheerful post, huh??
**********
Finally #3! Pete, since this is your thread, I thought I'd save your stuff 'til last! haha <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
You mentioned above in passing that you are not sure what you should be documenting, and since I am sort of an organizational wizard (and maybe you're not) I thought I would help you with that! First, "document" facts, so you'd include things like: DATE, TIME, NAME OF ITEM OR PERSON AFFECTED, ANY IDENTIFYING NUMBERS (if applicable--like policy #, etc.), AND A BRIEF
FACTUAL DESCRIPTION OF WHAT OCCURRED. The things you should be documenting are the things that are directly relevant to child custody AND division of assets. So, if she has canceled or changed insurance, whose name bills are in, names on titles--anything like that--document it.
Here's an example of one documenting entry. Let's say its for the day that she gave the kids pop and let them stay up so late that the next day she didn't take them to school:
Date:
Tues., March 2, 2005Time:
The incident occurred from 9pm - 1am on Mon., March 1, 2005--I found out about it Tues. March 2, 2005 at 10am by calling the schoolItem/Person Affected:
DS and DDIdentifying Numbers: n/a
Description of Incident: I called the school at 10am 3/2/05 to arrange to drop off lunches, and was told that they were not IN school. I called WW's home phone and cell phone 5 times each and no answer. At approx. 2pm she finally called and said they had stayed up late and were too tired to go to school. Picked up kids at 6pm 3/2/05, and they were lethargic, snappy, and sick. They told me that they had stayed up until 1am playing video games and drinking Pepsi, and then couldn't sleep. This impacted their normal daily routine for DAYS, and their normal homework load was impacted for almost a week.
Now, here are the "topics" about which you want to document:
1. LIST all the furniture and possessions that were bought in the marriage: one column is furniture and stuff SHE got, and one column is furniture and stuff YOU got.
2. Any credit cards: joint, hers and yours. List the balances BEFORE the affairs began, the affair charges (to show financial impact), the balances NOW, and any that she "ran up" and then left you with.
3. Any bank accounts: joint, hers and yours. See credit cards above.
4. Any changes she has made to bills, insurance, etc. without your consent. If she cut off your home phone because she changed the name on the account, for example.
5. Disposal/Sale of any property--ANY!! If she is selling stuff, even HER stuff, write it down using make, model, serial or model #, age, and approximate value. This is primarily to show if she took property, sold it, got the "profits" and then wants to divide up what is left.
6. Extraordinary expenditures. If she suddenly shows up with all new furniture, or a 42" flatscreen TV...write it down. If she puts a new car on your credit card...write it down. To me extraordinary would be any expenditure that would not be ordinary in the course of your married life, so if she's taking her OM (plural) out to dinner, wining and dining them...write it down. She may try to claim that "she has no money" when in real life she has no money LEFT OVER because she spent it all on caviar and champagne! My exH tried this by paying his mistress a SALARY out of his company and then claiming he made no money!! NOPE--the court counted the money made BEFORE paying the mistress, not after.
7. Any behavior or event that interferes with the kids usual residence--like if she won't let them come home...or tries to take them to another school district. Your kids have a foundation with a school, a bedroom, friends, a home--and the other party's decision to have an A or D should not disrupt the children's stability. Write it down!!
8. Any behavior or incident that interferes with the daily schedule of the kids.
9. Any time that she tries to hide or keep the kids from you
10. Any time that she interferes with your usual parenting time. NOW--on this one, I don't believe you guys have regular, established "parenting time" and this is going to be to your detriment, so get a set schedule going: every Thurs. and Fri. with mom, Sat. through Wed. with dad...something! Make it regular and dependable and predictable.
11. Document how the kids have emotional ties between you and each other...how they love their friends who all live by your house...etc.
12. Document how much time and interest and activities YOU do with the kids, and how much time and interest and activities SHE does with the kids. Do you know their friends, their friends' parents, their school schedule, their homework, their teachers, their dreams for the future, their fears? Does she?? (BTW, this is not being "mean" to her, it is being strong and supportive and positive about YOU and how much you know your kids! If she doesn't, then that was her choice in her life, huh?)
13. Document reasons why continuing the current relationship between father and child is important and what the impact might be if the relationship is changed or taken away. Pete, you know your kids--how would they be affected? Write it down!
14. Abuse. Okay, this may be a hard one for you, but be honest and don't be afraid of the truth. Was she abusive toward you? Did she do abusive behavior? Verbally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, sexually, financially, physically? Was there a PATTERN of abuse--in other words, not "one time, in 18 years" but reoccurring and gradually getting more frequent? Do you even know what verbal abuse IS?? And being a man, is it hard for your ego to admit that maybe you WERE abused? I know it's hard to think about, but if you were verbally, emotionally, mentally or physically abused, YOUR CHILDREN SAW IT and they were IMPACTED!! If they saw abuse, they may learn that abuse is an acceptable way to deal with things AND abusive behavior does not stop with a D--so that if she can't abuse you, she might abuse the kids! I'm not trying to frighten you, just strongly encourage you to be honest with yourself, and if you have to, protect your kids!! The judge NEEDS to know what did or did not occur, when, what she did, what you did...all of it...because if there's an unstable, abusive parent the judge may need to act to protect the kids. Does that make sense? So if she once pulled a knife on you in the kitchen--dude that's scary! Write it down. If she screamed at you for hours, write it down. If she threatened you or your pets--you get the drift. BTW--sorry it's scary.
15. Primary care giver--once again, document who has spent time with the kids...when? Who takes them to school and brings them home? Who wakes them up in the morning? Who goes to scouts and soccer with them? The point of this documentation is to show that either you BOTH were very active parents, or in your case maybe even spent more time invested with the kids than she did! Dude, you may be a GUY, but you may still be the primary care giver!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
16. Willingness of each parent to facilitate a close and continuing relationship with the other parent. Document how you are willing to live near enough for daily contact, let them talk on the phone every day, etc. Document how she may or may not be facilitating their relationship with you. Document who has
demonstrated the ability to maintain a close and continuing relationship with the child, and the ability of to cooperate in matters affecting the children. How did that person Demonstrate??
17. Misconduct of the other parent and how it has affected the children. Document how she left; when she left; what behaviors the kids have exhibited as a result; do they need counseling; are they now silent and withdrawn; etc. The goal is to document that emotional harm was done by this misconduct. Also document stuff like not wanting to make lunches because it's inconvenient to care for the kids...not wanting to watch them on Sat. nights because she can't go out on her date...those kinds of things. These have a DIRECT and SERIOUS impact on child custody and parenting, and they won't be able to be introduced or allowed if you don't document!
18. Social environment/lifestyle of the other parent and how it affects the children. (see #17 above, keeping the focus on physical damage or emotional damage)
19. YOUR social environment and lifestyle. Document it! Take pictures of the inside of your house on a normal day, to show that yeah it's not neat as a pin, but it's sanitary and "lived in". Take photos of the kids' rooms and family areas and the kitche. Copy your "social calendar" and show that you are HOME AT NIGHT dedicating your time to the kids and not "partying".
20. Your positive involvement with the kid's lives, and your ability to accurately assess and meet the emotional, intellectual and physical needs of the children. Document YOUR good stuff.
Okay--I know this is long and overwhelming, but I'm hoping you are starting to see the TYPES of things you should be documenting...some of it going back a little!! And BTW, I know lawyers LOVE piles of papers, but this doesn't need to be that kind of documentation either--filing out a form or something! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> As an example, I documented stuff in my daytimer--since it was already a calendar with hourly times in it, all I did was write on the right day, and briefly write the facts. THEN...I photocopied six months of my daytimer and just showed the judge my other 13 YEARS worth of journals, and she said, "Thanks, this 6 months worth will do." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
CJ
