Hi Kerenasha,

Whisper's thread is here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=037412

There is a lot of information there and links to other basic information about the website.

Also, one thing that you said struck me:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Melody Lane is making me feel so much of pain </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your feelings come from yourself, not from others. If it is painful for you to answer ML's question, maybe you can try to think about why that is.

My A (ONS) happened while I was away on a 2 week work trip. I confessed to H on 15/6/04, 6 months after. It completely devastated our M. He was shocked, hurt and very, very angry. We were living OS with no support network. For several months he decided he was going to have his own A in order to cope, and distanced himself from me. I reached my lowest point due to pain, guilt, remorse, isolation and lack of self-respect. H gave up the A idea eventually.

Now, 9 months later, I have spent 6 months in IC, discovered a lot of things about myself. We are in MC and discussing everything, and things seem to be improving a lot between us. One thing I think we both learnt is that it would be possible for us to live apart if we chose. We chose to work on the M.

I am a man. Both my Wife and I have had an affair. While we were separated, I found a girlfriend.

At one point, I found myself in a situation a little bit like yours. On one hand, I had a lover who loved me and wanted to be with me. On the other hand, I had a wife who is so hurt she doesn't want to be married to me. And I have a child who will have to live with my decisions.

And I want to do the right thing for my son. I also want to do the right thing for me.

Well, I love my wife and I love my son. So I am right now living with my wife, trying to work things out. We have separate bedrooms and it is very hard work. I think it will be a long time of hard work.

But I think it is worth it. For my son, and for me. Hopefully I can prove to my W that it is worth it for her too.

dewt

Your sitituation is similar to mine i agree to you that you choose your son, but to me of course my daugther means alot to me. But do you know how i'm treated each time i cal or talk to my husband nicely. Sometime i find that he is using me. Like when it was my daughter's birthday we met he call me girl and spoke to me as if nothing happen. But now after the Birthday he acting that i'm no one to him. Like yesterday i had a man calling me at 5am as if I'm slut asking to have sex with him. When i told my husband he just bother to hear the story but not bother about my safety. He said he dont even want to check who is it. I gave him the no but he said i'm not interested.I'm very hurt and sad.Ive help him for the past 10 years with him tho we are married only 3 years. I mean even a friend would be concern over a friend's safety. Do you think i should try still. I really feel disheartened and just want to be with my lover and give the best to my daugther when he does this. Please give a chance i feel like screaming. Can you hate your wife? I tried puting myself in his shoes.But will i forgive him for the sake of my daugther and remember all the good deeds he did for me? Maybe i would maybe I would not? just really cant be there. At this moment work is also very pressuring for me. If you dont mind may i have your email adress and where are you from? Does your wife know you are on this line? At least you are trying to reach your marriage. Happy for you.

No, I cannot hate my wife.

I have given my life and my heart to God. He is in my heart and with Him there, there is no room at all for hate. Not for my wife, not even for her lover.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kerenasha Raj:
<strong>Please give a chance i feel like screaming.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read your posts and I think you feel like screaming because you are confused. You are scared and hurt and don't really know what you want most.

I think if you calm down, stop scrambling, and decide WHAT YOU REALLY WANT things will make a little bit more sense for you. That way, you can make a PLAN and stick to it.

A plan helps you stay on track even when you get sad or afraid.

You need a PLAN.

Before you get a plan, you need to figure out what you want. Then you make the plan to get it.

Please be patient with your husband. He has been very badly hurt by your affair.

I have a question for you.

If your husband was the one who had an affair. If your husband was the one who was saying he can't decide between you and another woman.... how would YOU feel? How do you think you would act?

Please be patient.

Another question:

Do you believe in God?

dewt

Well its really really hard i read whisper case but in her case her husband is wiling to work out the marriagw and i think they are staying together in my case its my H just dont want even meet me. Please help me. I do believe in God but sometime when bad things most often happen to good people i just feel like he is nit existing. I am in meditation line and believe in Karma. But i do wish we are given the choice to change our fate.Well I know my husband is hurt but where is his little love thar he claimed he love me before but not now. Wherelse there is another guy who just want me to get the divorce and marry me and take my daugther but than I would not be happy tho i know i tried working on the Marriage but my H prefer to be single or married with someone else. Help me i just very very worried about my daugther. She is very beautiful and intelligent.

I read whisper case is similar to mine but she dont have a daugther and i think her husband wiling to help her wat bot me. He so persistent that he doesn't want me and happy away from me. How can i work this M if he is not beside me? What even if he choose to be but he tortures me with his family. I now listen to his parent who are very much against of making me together with me. I'm very much feel they are the culprit who is poisoning his mind and he is staying with them. How is it possible for me to work this out. I find it so demotivation and to give up on my M.

Kerenasha,

How are you today? Have you talked to a counsellor or doctor yet?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> in her case her husband is wiling to work out the marriagw and i think they are staying together in my case its my H just dont want even meet me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand that you are feeling as though you could not survive alone.

But you are still living with OM.
Try to imagine how it seems from your H's point of view. Would you trust, love and care for your H if he had left you and was living with another woman, and then lied about that to you?

I am trying to be gentle because I know you are in a lot of pain. But I think the point is that you cannot expect support from your H right now. He is probably hurting badly. He might change his mind later. But if he does, it will be because he can see that you have REALLy changed in yourself, and be prepared that it might take a LONG TIME!

That is why a plan is so important. This is a plan for you - the focus should be about how you can become the person you aspire to be, what your most important priorities in life are, and practically how you are going to achieve them, step by step. It might involve having to do things which are new to you and very, very scary. Its scary to face up to people you have hurt, apologise and admit you are wrong. Its scary to have to look for a job or find a new home. The problem is, if you don't make and follow a plan, you have no control over your future at all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But i do wish we are given the choice to change our fate. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We are given the choice to change our fate. Its very difficult and painful, but its the only way.