Thanks WAT, Gimble, Suzet are you out there?

FL

BTT

Gimble, Suzet are you out there?

FL

BTT

Gimble, Suzet are you out there? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

FL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong> BTT

Gimble, Suzet are you out there?

FL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi, FL

I rarely get to check the BB before 11 am, but I always check on you first thing.

Your wife is not to the point where you can trust her. She s still having an affair. Remember what I posted to you about cheaters?

Having said that, please realize that she is a real person and has real feelings. The problem with her current state is that those feelings are a scrambled mess. That is partly your fault, and that is a good thing right now. Your treatment of her is causing her doubt as to her previous bad choices.

So, the answer to reading tea leaves it to continue what you are doing because it is OBVIOUSLY working. Don't stop what you are doing.

Previous bad behaviors by YOU are partly responsible for the mess you find yourself in. No, you did not force her to have an affair, but you did contribute to leaving your marriage in a bad place. That behavior is what you have fixed. IT didn't work, so don't return to it.

The worst mistake you can make right now is to get comfortable and slide back into old behaviors.

Next time your wife wants to talk about the other man, tell her that you will be glad to do whatever it takes to restore the marriage, but that the two of you can NOT repair the relationship as long as the other man is involved. Marriage is for two people, not three. You can talk to her about a 'NO CONTACT' letter and about her never contacting the other man in anyway, ever again.

Your wife will want you to help her feel okay about the bad she has done. Don't go there. What she has done is not okay. What she is currently doing is not okay. That is why it must stop before your marriage can be recovered.

You job is NOT to make her feel less guilty, it IS to facilitate the ending of the affair so that you can recover your marriage.

Please repeat that last line at least 50 times :-)

Gimble

Thanks Gimble, I was hoping I could get some insight before going home tonight.

FL

Gimble, About the SF, not sure how WW could use this to manipulate me?? This was one of the things she "enjoyed" and said she "loved". Now I know I said that I would take the problem in hand but, but, but, I don't really think I could resist.

Also just received my copy of SAA in the mail, they also threw in Falling in Love cassette to my suprise. Can't wait to start reading it!

FL

FL - consider safe handling of SAA, i.e., do not try to force it on your wife. Be prepared with a good response if your wife asks you about it. She may be offended at this stage of the "affair" title. Does she consider she was in one? If not, "How dare you!!!!"

I suggest that if she sees it and asks, simply reply that this is a really good book for how to handle these things. If she wants to see it, ablige her. But be prepared for ANY reaction. Conventional wisdom is that info like this should NOT be provided too early. My WS used HN/HN to support her decisions in her lone session with Steve H.

WAT

WAT I plan on keeping this under wraps for now. I agree that this is too soon for this info. She again asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said "just suprise me, anything you give me will be charished, We could go out and just have a good time somewhere". So I left it at that this was after the serious emails this morning.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Does she consider she was in one? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not sure about this but I have stated a few times to her that it's is an emotional affair.

FL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong> Gimble, About the SF, not sure how WW could use this to manipulate me?? This was one of the things she "enjoyed" and said she "loved". Now I know I said that I would take the problem in hand but, but, but, I don't really think I could resist.


FL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay. Here is the deal. This is going to be hard for you to hear.

You don't know for sure what your wife has done with the other man. From what you have posted, she worked closely with him for a year. The word 'closely' infers opportunity.

Utilization of that opportunity by a person who is feeling entitled to their 'needs', is likely. This is strictly from a logical perspective, the actual truth could lie elsewhere. Maybe it is only an emotional affair.

At some point in time, you are going to have to know. She already knows, and it appears to me (but I am tea leaf reading here) that she is telling you in a subtle way that the affair has possibly been more than emotional ("you really shouldn't love me - I'm not a good person").

The problem with that assumption, is that it is just that, an assumption, with nothing more than weak circumstantial evidence. Intuition tells me it is more. What does yours say to you?

If sex is going to be a major issue between you two (and don't feel bad, it would be with me as well), then you can do other things.

Get creative, use your hands on each other. Wear a condom and keep your mouth to yourself. You could also come right out and tell your wife of your concerns. No accusations, but legitimate concerns.

"Wife, I really want to make love to you, but I am concerned that if you have been physical with the other man, that I may potentially be exposing myself to diseases."

Will she like that? Nope. Her handling of the concern, (no accusations) could well tell you everything that you need to know.

Is it a love buster? I don't think so.

Will it be pleasant? NOPE.

You will have to eventually deal with the affair and all of its ugliness. This will require gentle honesty from both of you. It is not going away, and you can't ignore it.

You have to make your own decisions. That is what a steely-eyed hero does. Our hero will also take into consideration, the warnings and concerns provided by others when making said decisions.

Tell me what your plan is.

Gimble

OK, Before she shut down her HotMail Account, There was talk between them about possibly never getting to meet each other. This was mid-jan. I know she has always been home or at work and only been unaccounted for short periods of time. The last SF for us was 2/6. I can't imagine OM flying or driving 1000 miles for a quickie. I really think it would be more lengthy don't you. One of her emails suggested him comming in for the entire weekend, "Please can't we just meet" was a quote from it. Fri, Sat & Sun which was Jan21,22 & 23. This never materialized. I know I was with her the whole time. So there you have it. If they have consumated their relationship I am already exposed, but I don't think so.

FL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong> OK, Before she shut down her HotMail Account, There was talk between them about possibly never getting to meet each other. This was mid-jan. I know she has always been home or at work and only been unaccounted for short periods of time. The last SF for us was 2/6. I can't imagine OM flying or driving 1000 miles for a quickie. I really think it would be more lengthy don't you. One of her emails suggested him comming in for the entire weekend, "Please can't we just meet" was a quote from it. Fri, Sat & Sun which was Jan21,22 & 23. This never materialized. I know I was with her the whole time. So there you have it. If they have consumated their relationship I am already exposed, but I don't think so.

FL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hear your logic.

Believe it or not, I have been praying that she hasn't consummated the relationship. Still, there is no way to know for sure yet.

As for the 1,000 miles, if you read this BB for long, you will find out that other wayward spouses have gone to far greater lengths to consummate their illicit relationships.

I am not trying to instill fear or doubt in you. I just want you to face the possibilities and potentialities straight on. That means the realization that you may be putting your health at risk.

Learning to deal openly and honestly with your wife about everything, is what you must learn eventually in order to truly recover your marriage.

Your old marriage is history. You can't return there. It was broken. You are working on establishing a new relationship with your wife. You must leave the old broken ways behind you. She will eventually have to do the same.

A steely-eyed hero looks at his situation, sizes it up, and takes action. That is what you are learning to do.

Feels good doesn't it?

Gimble

I understand Gimble. Honesty is the best policy.

FL

WOW, WW, DS and I had the best weekend ever!! WW has been more loving this weekend than pre discovery day. Hugs, Kisses, Closeness, SF, Divider in bed gone!

Now I'm not so caught up in this that I am forgetting WW is still in the EA. Now funny thing WW has unlocked her cell phone. Actually gave it to me to charge and jumped into the shower? Of course I had to look. WW has taken off all references to OM. But, has put her co-worker females name to his phone number? She is not a good deceptor and never has been. A couple notable messages were. (1) from OM on March 1st "It's a distance thing and you always disapear on the weekend" (Mabye it's because I keep WW very occupied on the weekend! (2) from WW to OM "Who went with you to the rodeo". She had an incomming from OM and I deleted it. OOPS!!

No serious talk about OM or us, but we did go to look at new homes, WW wanted to?? WW also talked about redoing the rooms in the house one at a time.

WAT, Gimble, Suzet anyone want to read the tea leaves today??

FL on a cloud

Sounds positive. Keep doing what you're doing. You're beyond me!

Consider getting a copy of "Fall In Love, Stay In Love," and leave it someplace accessible to her while you read it. Don't ask her to, but allow her to pick it up.

Eventually you will likely need some personal, professional counseling.

WAT

Thanks for you encouragement WAT, I'm forever in you debt for encouraging me to move back home. I feel that was the turning point. I owe it to you and all the others on this forum that have helped me.

Thanks FL

Gimble, Suzet are you out there? Had a good weekend please see this mornings post.

FL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong> Gimble, Suzet are you out there? Had a good weekend please see this mornings post.

FL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good morning FogLight.

I am very glad that you had a good weekend.

No tea leaves, but the hiding of the other man's number is a deception, and a reminder to you that your wife is not to be trusted.

You got to relax over the weekend. This is good.

So, what is your plan to negotiate the end of the affair?

Gimble

Gimble I'm not quite sure how to proceed, any suggestions??

FL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong> Gimble I'm not quite sure how to proceed, any suggestions??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why don't we start with a list of things that you would like to see different in your marriage. Let's look at where you are, and what needs to change in the immediate future. I will start, you add to it, and eventually, we can come up with a basic script for you. After each item of change, let's add a reason or reasons why that change needs to occur.

What you say to your wife needs to come from you. I could easily write something out for you to say, but you need to do the work here. This is steely-eyed hero work, and you are the only one in your family, so you get the job.

Here is the start of the list;

1) The other man needs to be out of your marriage.

Marriage is for two people. Marriages where third parties are involved, fail unless the third party is completely removed.

2) You need complete disclosure of the details surrounding the affair.

Your wife must become an 'open book'. Marriages without trust rarely survive. You can't trust your wife until she has given you complete truth.

Add some of your own now.

Gimble

Gimble, I can definately add a third but then I draw a blank.

1) The other man needs to be out of your marriage.

Marriage is for two people. Marriages where third parties are involved, fail unless the third party is completely removed.

2) You need complete disclosure of the details surrounding the affair.

Your wife must become an 'open book'. Marriages without trust rarely survive. You can't trust your wife until she has given you complete truth.

3) We must be honest and open to each other about our emotional needs.