legato - I hardly EVER believe a BS who claims their WS's affair was EA only.

Wishful thinking, denial.

That said, I do get these cases confused and I cannot remember ALL of Mark's details. If he has a firm basis for concluding this, my apologies. But this would take something extraordinary - like for-sure geographical distances and for-sure no traveling, full knowledge of whereabouts of the WS. Even THEN it's only a reasonable assumption.

In the end, it doesn't matter - especially for female WSs.

WAT

Mark, I have been here for YEARS and I am here to tell you that exposure is probably the MOST effective tool in ending an affair. Harley is adamant about exposing affairs, and has YEARS of professional experience. It is bar none, the most effective tool there is.

It goes without saying that the WS will not "like" exposure and will threaten, scream, rant, rave about having their nasty little secret exposed to the light of day. No one likes being exposed when they know they are being bad!

BUT........if it can help them STOP being bad, which it does, it is all worth it. If it can save the marriage, it is all worth it.

The marriage can survive the temporary anger that comes from exposure, it cannot survive and endless affair.

Secondly, one must consider that the marriage is DOOMED if the affair is not ended. Exposure hastens the end of the affair because it cannot survive for long in the light of day.

Exposure, on the other hand, will not doom the marriage, but will doom the AFFAIR.

Oh she rants and raves, but not about her affair. Its all about hate. She hates me or close too, she says both. I blew something up on her. She flat out denies any affair. Most likely it was confined to an EA, and had a LOT of secrecy surounding it. I first discivered her thing in July and kind of accepted the just freinds agrument. This Dec I unnintentionally did the exposure thing.

SHe rants thats it over and the best we can hope for is a loveless marriage for the sake of the kids. She's pretty unstable too. I honestly think that in her mind she did absolutely nothing wrong. How do I get her to start accepting the blame instead of me? SHe got to own up to what she's done, but how.

Mark,

Here's some phrasing that might be useful: Infidelity is not just about sex. Sexual energy is not just intercourse. Anytime someone takes emotional or sexual energy outside of the marriage and invests that energy in someone who could be a potential partner...it's infidelity. There is no innocent investment of these things outside of marriage. It weakens the bond between husband and wife and it devastates the other partner.

Also markny

What is your plan now...

has the affair that went even more secret after you got a little to close to confronting...
officially ended...

how do you know there is no contact...
and what was the last contact date...

is your wife in serious withdrawal..
which must move through its phases...

anger
knee jerk blame on others.
severe pain from rejection from OP...upon disclosure did he drop her like a hot potatoe?

then the time needed to lick her wound and process how she got to this place and be this person...

and while she's off doing all these things...
what is your plan?

ARK

While I can't say for 100% certainty there is no more contact it does look like its done. Now how do both parties feel? I think if allowed they would go back to old ways in a heartbeat. OM has kids in our school, attents our church, in our cicrle of friends, etc. Makes it real hard, his name comes up frequently.

I think there last contact was aroud Jan 27 when my wife asked his wife a favor. He called back and said OMW does not want my wife to have anything to do with them. That day my wife was livid and told me I ended her freindship, etc. Oh yeah on 2/19 my son went to their kids's (twins) birthday party. My wife was attiment about going. She didn't stay though. OMW was definitely there. She comes to church now too (rarely did that before). It looks like he's been read the riot act.

Her EA went on for about a year that I can tell. I'm sure she hasn't accepted the fact he's out of her life. I'm at a point where I must decide when to give up and move on. Right now thats the last thing I want to do, but my IC tells me I have to throw in the towel sometime (he's not urging me to give up). Some tension is easing, but my wife makes it clear almost every day things are not 'fine'.

All blame is on me in her mind. She's also seems to be suffering a mid life crisis at 38. This is a very complex situation to say the least. I almost wish I walked in on them in a PA, then there would be no denying anything.

Mark,

I have been following your story very closely. My WS also has an EA and she denies it (except once she admitted a "strong" attraction to the man). If you have read my threads, I exposed the EA to the OM (strange huh?). He is not married and dates lots of women so if it does turn to a PA, it will not last. However, I now have a suspicion she is seeing someone else.

The bottom line is, your WS and my WS don't think that an EA is inappropriate. If the tables were turned they would.

My heart goes out to you. I know the terrible feelings that go along with this. No sleep, anxiety, depression, etc...

all righty markny..

basically you have a spouse in serious withdrawal...

with barely a full month of no contact....

the blaming of you .
the anger..
typical...

and even more importantly ....the good news is that the affair is over....

would be wonderful if it was over because she chose it to be over...but even if it didn't play out that way...

it's done...
and withdrawal time is here...doesn't really matter how it got here....

here it be...

the truth is no matter who she wants to blame..
the OM chose his wife..

and no matter how you slice it..that's the reality...;

and that reality is hard for her to face..
so she will rant and rave and blame and gnash her teeth...

and in the words of
Annie Hall...
laddi da...laddi da...laddi da...

so your spouse is in withdrawal...and though it might not seem so..it can be a very painful part of the recovery process....

very painful for you...

so you read bobpures posts...who tolerated vitriol at his spouses withdrawal..
and zero zero visibility in her post affair fog..
and you my friend weather the storm..

beleive it or not you plan a from a distance...

you make the house light hearted and joyful
you pick up the slack
you invite in to some type of respite without it being over the top....

you ask her how she's feeling
bring her small treats that are not overt signs of love....

you just be there...
strong
steady
charming.

do not power struggle...


in her mind she feels abandoned...and no matter how she shifts the blame...the choice was the OM not yours...
and she will have to face that and herself...

I suggest you don't abandon her as well right now...even though she pushes you away...

don't powerstruggle...
don't argue;....

smile and walk away....

I'm at a point where I must decide when to give up and move on.

I say ride this out...

read up on bob pures posts...

ARK

Mark, like Ark says your wife is acting just like a spouse whose affair has been exploded. She is furious and she is in withdrawal. But.....at least now you have a chance. I don't think you understand that this is a good thing because you are panicking. It is a normal phase of recovery. You have to go through the swamp to get out of the swamp. Hang in there and stop despairing.

I'm backing WAT and noodle on this one.

Exposure isn't a punishment.
It's a consequence.
Big difference.

And exposure wasn't the nuclear bomb.
The affair was.
Big difference.

It's not comfy now, that's true. But it HAD to be done.

dewt

I pray you folks are right, that this is some 'normal' reaction that will burn off someday (sooner than later). But I can't help to think maybe she does hate me, maybe it is over. Me just 'sitting tight' will just end up a spectator to my divorce.

Yeah it's anxiety producing, I'm losing sleep, trouble concentrating, etc.

Even if she does stay what will my marraige be like?

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Courage to change the thinks I can.
and The Wisdom to know the difference.

Mark,

No one here has a crystal ball. I will not make you a promise that ANY thing you do will salvage this relationship..but I will promise..PROMISE you that IF you divorce..it will not be because you exposed the cancer that was causing the decay. No one ever died from knowledge, they die of illness. Do you see the difference?

In this one thing..truly you can be at peace.

Noodle