sure, can you email me at the above address?

I recommend that you stick to the MB SYSTEM.

Develop a PLAN A and stick to it.

Have you read up on PLAN A? Do you have the book SURVIVING AN AFFAIR?

Do you not understand that you are doing in LBs. No LBs is an important and essential part of the MB System.

<small>[ March 09, 2005, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

From just reading your byline, it seems like you have been in Plan A since last September? He moved out, and has access to you and the kids whenever he wants?

In my opinion, you are WAAAAYyy overdue for Plan B.

My H, like yours, is a PA person. Plan B helped in our situation.

PAers like to feel in control of every situation. Like to hold the strings, like things to be predictable...to know when there is going to be conflict, love, etc. Plan B drives them NUTS, and gets them to try to control the situation from afar...unlikely.

What Plan B does FOR YOU is to get you out of the manipulations. Gets you out of hte contact with him that is sapping your love. Gives you BOTH a dose of what a D will be like...

You have already split things up...time to take the next step.

What is holding you back from Plan B?

From the way he is acting he has been continuing with the OW, or a new one. It is likely he is going out prowling and is continuing his single behavior. My FWH acted the EXACT same way when he was still in contact with OW, even though he told us he was not... If the OW wasn't an issue, he would have moved back home.

The reason why I say PLAN A some more is because PLAN B is not effective if he is not left with pleasant memories. Also, you need to feel good about how you have left things before you go into PLAN B.

There has been a lot of recent LBing. I would do a limited GREAT PLAN A, at least, prior to PLAN B.

Sounds good mimi,

Also, think of some of these Plan A activities (EN fulfillment, and no LB's) as permanent changes!!!


Edited to add: Have you done much research about the PA person? It is easy to stay in an eternal angry state. Often that is what the PA person wants...to keep you off balance. Knowledge is power and learning what their manipulations are, and how to counteract them can bring a real calm. Want some websites?

<small>[ March 09, 2005, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: StillHereMakingIt ]</small>

Mimi...The last I left is was for him to think about coming home to try to work on things together. I am backing off to give him some time. If he contacts me I will do the PLAn A thingie. If he comes back that he just can't do it then I think I need to do the PLAN B. And if it leads us to D then I need to recognize it's time to let go. Yes i know the crying and pleading are big LB's and I hadn't done either for well over a month. But when he questioned my integrity as a parent I got defensive and hurt. I didn't lash out at him in anger. I just got hurt. I tried to get him to believe that I would never do anything like keep his kids away from him or abandon my kids. I doubt that he believes that even after my crying. he continues to find poison in every situation involving me. Even when I am running the perfect PLAN A he holds me in contempt. I think it justifies his leaving, I have done fairly well with letting it slide off my back...but it gets to the point when I don't want to be around him because he is such a downer and I don't deserve to be treated with such disdain. So the deal is how can I do a PLAN A when he finds a negative in everything I do.

Problem is that we are scheduled to go on a family vacation in 10 days. He already mentioned he plans on sleeping on the floor/seperate room. I plan on taking meds along because I know that he will try to sabotage and be critical of me the entire time.

SMI...I just read "Living with the PA Man" and check into a PA site once and awhile. He has always been this way and it is not something that came up after the A/seperation. I still have honey dews around the house that I asked him to take care of from 5-6 years ago. He currently refuses to answer simple questions because he ays I am trying to control him. He still has the OW's info on his PC and won't delete it ...he says he will do it when he is ready...not because I have asked him to do it. He sees all of my EN's as manipulation and control.

As I said before I am really afraid of PLAN B because he is so PA. He will just ride with the wave I create. I am trying to give the control back to him since it seems to be his big EN.

God....I just can't believe how much energy I am actually spending on this.

Ok. I'm going to try to help you with the MB System. I'm coming into your situation late so please excuse me if I make mistakes here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am backing off to give him some time </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What PLAN does this fit into? You do not need to "back off" and he is not entitled to "time".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If he contacts me I will do the PLAn A thingie. If he comes back that he just can't do it then I think I need to do the PLAN B </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, IMO, you are mistaken in this mindset. You are putting the ball in his court. You are the one that needs to come up with a PLAN regardless of what he does. I would recommend that you begin with PLAN A to be done at any time that you have contact with him. You can call him, invite him over, etc. if you choose to do so in YOUR PLAN.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I tried to get him to believe that I would never do anything like keep his kids away from him or abandon my kids. I doubt that he believes that even after my crying. he continues to find poison in every situation involving me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The issue is your mindset that you can control him. You can only be in charge of yourself. He can believe anything he wants but that does not mean that it is true. Also, this assumes that he will tell you the truth about what he believes. He is in the fog (temporarily insane), liable to do or say anything.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even when I am running the perfect PLAN A he holds me in contempt. I think it justifies his leaving, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is up to you to judge how "perfect" your PLAN is. He will not tell you if you are being effective. He wants you to believe that it is not working. You are right about this. He wants to justify the A to himself and throw you off course. He wants you to fail so that he can justify continues use of his A drug.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So the deal is how can I do a PLAN A when he finds a negative in everything I do.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is he finding negative in EVERYTHING that you do? Really? Then you might need to change your plan.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Problem is that we are scheduled to go on a family vacation in 10 days. He already mentioned he plans on sleeping on the floor/seperate room. I plan on taking meds along because I know that he will try to sabotage and be critical of me the entire time. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is not a problem! This is great! Plenty of time for PLAN A. What kind of outfits are you taking? Why is he mentioning where he is going to be sleeping? "OK, sleep on the floor but you are welcome to sleep in the bed if you want to." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 09, 2005, 01:42 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>