I've read a lot of Fog's posts...and Coach is right in a lot of what he says.

Fog, you need to confront when you've got evidence that the affair continues (i.e...still texting). You know that, but you still haven't stepped up to do that. If she's still in touch with the OM, then the affair is still ongoing. And you're fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

Don't accept the BS of "I can't send him an NC email", or "I don't see why I should copy you on it". You need to force the issue...you need to make her make a choice. Because if you don't, she's going to sit on the fence forever. She's going to continue to suck up all the fulfillment that you provide her...AND take it all in from the OM too! Why not? She's not facing any reasons to change her behavior right now, is she?

Think about it. If you're trying to teach your kids to stop jumping on the bed, you might have to let one of them bounce off the floor once...and learn WHY they can't jump on the bed.

Friends I have no intention of not continuing to be on top of contact between WW and OM. As well as pointing out that our relationship cannot move forward and the pain it causes myself and DS. This is prority one for me right now!

FL

Foglight, how are you? How are things at home? Time to report back in! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey, FogLight.

I hope everything is well.

Gimble

Goodmorning Gimble, Suzet and WAT. Here is the latest. No contact with OM via cell phone or text messaging since March 3rd and WW has unlocked her phone. Email don't know but, WW has stated that it is over and that she realizes how this was nothing more than a fantasy. WW gives me plenty of attention and affection. She is not staring off in the distance like she was before either. MIL is comming in tomorrow to spend a week with us. I have had regular contact with her and she is very releived that I stayed strong and didn't give up on her daughter. DS is very happy also. We have the begginnings of a better relationship than we had before.

FL

FogLight,

This sounds wonderful and very promising! I’m especially glad to hear there was no contact via the phone with the OM from the 3rd of March and that she has unlocked her phone. However, I’m still a bit concerned about the e-mail since you don’t have any access to it, but from what you’ve posted today, things sound very positive. Your W are not aware that you have access to her phone to check her activities and just the fact that there wasn’t contact with the OM from 3rd of March speak volumes IMO! I'm really happy for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

Thanks Suzet, I keeping my eyes open though and WW also understands that trust will come back with openness. This would not have been possible without You, Gimble and WAT.

FL

Good news, Foghorn.

But your work is no where near done. A NC letter from her to OM can help nail this shut - I've been told by former WSs that the symbolism of this was a powerful tool to them - not to mention a powerful vote of confidence to the BS.

Has she looked at your copy of SAA?

WAT

No WAT she has not however that is my next step. Question should it be hand written by FWS?

FL

Well, not having the opportunity to participate in a NC letter, I am not the best giver of advice on this.

BUT!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I don't think it matters if it's hand written or in smoke signals > as long as the WS does it, sharing the act with the BS.

The OM in your case will not care. An NC letter to him will soon be forgotten, if it's even read. I don't think he was ever really invested in the affair. That said, your wife thinks he was invested and for her, the writing of a real NC letter may be more meaningful than smoke signals. Continuing her fantasy, she may get huge value out of "cutting him off" even though she really is only cutting herself off. Know what I mean? She may have a sense of empowerment and control over the end of the relationship.

WAT

Hi, FogLight.

quote:
================
We have the begginnings of a better relationship than we had before.
================

This is outstanding news!

Like Suzette and WAT have told you, there is work yet to be done. The next two hurtles are the email password and the No Contact letter.

Continue the way you are going. Make the steely-eyed hero a permanent resident at your home.

Please keep us posted on your progress.

All the best,
Gimble

Good morning, FogLight.

As I recall, your wife is due out of town at the end of the month.

What are your plans for the No Contact letter, and her potential proximity to the other man during her training?

I had mentioned her possibly looking for another job a little while back. You said she didn't like her job. Now might be a good time to find a different one.

If she is going to training and the other man is going to be there, I see three possibilities.

1) She begs off the trip due to family issues (true).

2) You go with her (not a likely possibility).

3) She quits.

What are your thoughts on this?

All the best,
Gimble

Foglight, please note I left you a message on my other thread this morning (the one where I've made out a callout to you and the other members I posting to regularly).

Suzet

Gimble, he does not work for the same co. any longer and I have since disclosed some info to her about OM. He told her he was 49 when in fact he was 56. He also lied about his childrens ages to match his as well as some other facts. FWW seems to be totally over this and we discuss it very freely and she has admitted how wrong it was several times. She has totally come back to me. I'm not worried one bit about the trip to Pitt. I have still been monitoring her cell and still no calls or text msg sent to OM or incomming from OM.
So far so good!

FL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong>He told her he was 49 when in fact he was 56. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wowie, zowie - good sleuth work! How'd you determine this??

We have GOT to remember to emphasize to all BSs that the infidels lie to each other as much, if not more, as they lie to their spouses. This is an excellent example and I bet it has had a big impact on Fog's wife as it represents something she can point to help her realize how unreal the fantasy was.

BTW, I'm only 39. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WAT

WAT - first I did a reverse lookup on OM's phone number. That gave me home address. Used that on a few free info sites and got a match with his address and It showed his name and age. His XW name, no age and his childerns names and ages. FWW and I talk fairly freely about this and I started naming his childern and their ages and FWW said that they were younger. That's when I asked her if she new that OM was 56 and FWW said no OM is 49. Then I showed the print out to her.
All I can say is the info is out there just don't give up. Also for about $40 a background check can be run, but I didn't have to go that far thank goodness.

Also get this --- FWW told OM in the beginning that she was divorced and he ran a check and told her that she was still married and gave her my full name! That simple fact may have kept him from investing any true commitment into their relationship.

FL

<small>[ March 18, 2005, 10:06 AM: Message edited by: FogLight ]</small>

Will you share the "few free info sites"?

Please consider starting a new thread to describe this for the benefit of others.

Oh, we didn't tell you? You are obligated now to give back to this site and other BSs/WSs. With an MB name like Foglight, you'll have instant credibility! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

WAT

Started a new post for this info WAT.

FL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FogLight:
<strong> Gimble, he does not work for the same co. any longer and I have since disclosed some info to her about OM. He told her he was 49 when in fact he was 56. He also lied about his childrens ages to match his as well as some other facts. FWW seems to be totally over this and we discuss it very freely and she has admitted how wrong it was several times. She has totally come back to me. I'm not worried one bit about the trip to Pitt. I have still been monitoring her cell and still no calls or text msg sent to OM or incomming from OM.
So far so good!

FL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is great news.

I do want to remind you that the way you trust your wife from now on has to be different. No blind trust in your marriage.

You sir, have become a true steely-eyed hero, and I am very proud of you!

Gimble

I could not have done it with you Suzet and WAT. I was very reluctant to move back in. That single act of fighting for my marriage turned this around in my favor. Just today right before lunch my FWW came to my work and brought me soup and crackers and 2 candy bars. She came unannounced and it was a suprise since she drove so far out of her way. SHE IS BACK !

FL